The child didn’t understand what the words meant, but because of his mother’s reassurance, he relaxed and continued to play, ignoring the camera. Her reaction signalled to him that it was safe, and then he reacted to her state of mind. If she had said something else with the same tone of voice and energy, it wouldn’t have made any difference. The baby’s brain picked up no sign of danger from his mother, and felt safe enough to move on.
You can use your tone of voice and your facial expressions and smile when interacting with your child so that they feel safe enough to develop themselves. If you find it difficult to do this, or know yourself to be very anxious, then seek support from your family and friends or a professional.
The look of love
A baby’s brain develops most when it is in ‘connection’ with others. It doesn’t develop by watching screens or people or characters on a screen, but through real-life interactions. When you look into your baby’s eyes with soft, smiling eyes, seek out eye contact with them. Connect with them non-verbally with your warm gaze.
Generally speaking, baby boys tend to feel flooded or overwhelmed by an extended gaze. They might look away, or look distracted, before coming back. Baby girls, on the other hand, maintain eye contact more easily – without interruptions. I won’t bore you with all the evolutionary explanations behind this phenomenon, but I will say that eye contact is equally important for boys and girls. With boys, keep offering eye contact, and be present and available for them so they can safely explore around them when they feel overwhelmed, or over-stimulated, then return their attention to you once they are ready.
There’s no age limit for making eye contact like this. In his book Loving Hands: The Traditional Indian Art of Baby Massage, Fredrick Leboyer invites parents to think about eye contact with their newborns during bath time. Following his guidance regarding a ‘holding position’ he writes:
“Be passive. Entirely passive. Although totally aware. Do not try to direct. Do not interfere. Your baby is in his own element! Don’t come between them. Let things happen. And watch! Watch how the whole body comes to life. And plays. Just watch, let it happen.”
CHAPTER 4:
KINDNESS GOES A LONG WAY
‘“Often the only thing a child can remember about an adult in later years, when he or she is grown, is whether or not that person was kind to him or her”.
- Billy Graham
This chapter explores ways to bring more kindness into our relationships with our loved ones. With the everyday pressures of life we sometimes forget that kindness is the most effective and healthy way to live. How can we bring more kindness to our daily interactions with our children? Start by committing to kindness. The tips below offer options for you to try out.
From the mouths of babes
Several years ago, when I was just about to leave home to give a lecture about positive parenting, one of my daughters, then four years old, asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to talk to other mums about positive ways to parent and asked her what she thought the most important thing was. She said: ‘Just tell them to be kind. That’s all!’. Jim Henson, the American puppeteer and creator of the Muppets, said:
“The attitude you have as a parent is what your children will learn from, more so than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them, they remember what you are.”
I concur: your children will remember who you are. So, be kind!
Take it outside
The article called What sleeping babies hear: A functional MRI study of interparental conflict and infants emotion processing by Alice Graham and her co-authors suggests that even when infants are asleep, their brains are more than capable of taking in information from the tones of the voices around them. Moreover, infants who came from homes with a lot of conflict showed, when they were asleep, greater reactivity to negative tones of voice in certain areas of the brain – areas that are important later on for the child’s ability to regulate emotions and function well. In other words, if you want to argue loudly with your partner, it is not enough for your children to be asleep! You need to take your negativity elsewhere.
Buddha wisdom
If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?
- Buddha
There’s a lot to say for this piece of wisdom as it relates to parenting. We should keep reminding ourselves that saying less and doing it in a kind and respectful way will bring much more peace to our lives and joy to our parenting. Parenting, as I said before, is a muscle that you need to exercise and stretch. One way to do this is to keep a diary of your parenting experiences. It is a great way to follow your own growth as a parent, and also to learn from about what works – and what doesn’t – and to explore other options.
This week, try recording some of your interactions with your children, and explore whether they are in line with the quote above. Were they true? Were they necessary? Were they kind? If not, write down some alternatives, things that you could do or say instead. Investing this time and thinking now will stretch your parenting muscle so it will be readily available to you in the future.
Emotional bank account
One of the greatest questions to ask yourself at the end of the day is – if I were the only example my child has from whom to learn right from wrong, what would she have learned today?
- Dr Michelle Borba
Not every day is full of positive experiences. We all share the experience of surviving a day of tantrums, stress and negativity – and I’m not talking only about the children! The good news is that tomorrow is a new day. Then we can address whatever issue or situation has arisen in a more positive and productive way. It’s sometimes helpful to see your relationship with your child, and your child’s emotional state, as your emotional bank.
The metaphor for a bank makes it clear: if we just pay out, without paying enough in, it’s no surprise when the bank manager calls to air their concerns. If, on the other hand, we pay in regularly and from time to time take small amount out, the balance stays positive and healthy. It’s the same with your emotional bank. If you are generally a warm, available and reliable parent, but lose your patience or have a difficult day, your emotional bank account is probably still in credit. With regards to Dr Borba’s question above, children can learn many positive things from their parents, including the fact that we make mistakes too, that we take responsibility for them, and that we work to resolve them.
Sow your values
There’s a Buddhist metaphor that describes the seeds of love as a range of all emotions. The seeds that we invest in – the ones we water, take care of, nurture and focus on – are the seeds that will grow to be tall plants. If you imagine a circle representing the ‘self’. The bottom part is the store of the self (the unconscious mind) and the upper part is the conscious mind. All the seeds are inside the store, and the ones that are nurtured grow the mind. The more time their shoots spend ‘in the mind’, the more their roots will expand in the store.
In the second part of the book, I explore options for working with what I call the ‘negative seeds’ – but for now let’s keep thinking about all the positive seeds we would like to develop with and for ourselves – and our children. The simple rule is that the more you water a seed, the more it grows; when you stop watering it, it dies. It’s finished. What are you watering in your child’s garden? Are you watering appreciation, compassion, understanding and love? Every minute of the day, you can stop, reflect, be conscious, and react with those seeds in mind. We need to provide numerous opportunities for the positive seeds to grow, and when the seeds are ‘in the mind’ then we need to do whatever we can to keep them there for as long as possible.
How do you put this idea into practice? All you do is choose a seed you would like to water this week. How can you do that? You can notice it and describe it. You can encourage it. You can you ‘model’ it – act i
t out, or be it! Take, for example, the seed of kindness. Look out for kindness in your child and other people, and whenever you see it tell your child what you observed. Be careful not to make any interpretations – just describe what you see. Here are some everyday examples:
‘You saw that the dog was sad and you gave him a hug although you were in a hurry. That was a kind thing to do.’
‘It’s very kind of you to ask whether I needed help.’
‘She was very kind to lend me her book.’
‘I appreciated the kindness those children showed to the new boy. What do you think about that?’
‘That driver stopped the car so that we could cross the road safely. It was very kind of him.’
To grow the seed of kindness, simply notice kindness – and provide opportunities for it. Whatever seed it is you choose to grow this week, bring it to your consciousness throughout the week and see it flourish.
It’s an educational road
You’re in the kitchen and you see your daughter opening the cupboard doors under the sink where the cleaning products are – after you have already told her many times not to do so. What do you do? What is your instinct? (Don’t over-think this.) What do you say? You may say with an emotion like anger ‘I’ve told you a hundred times not to open that door – it’s dangerous for you!’ or ‘I need to send you to your room to think about it,’ or ‘Why don’t you listen?! I told you not to open those doors!’.
Messages like these will probably need to be repeated (and modelled) time and time again in the process of educating our children. However, when we react emotionally, we lose our children’s attention. They switch from listening to being defensive, and the message is lost. But being assertive and kind will get the result we want more productively and quickly. There are alternative responses to the scenario above. First, meet your child at eye level, then say calmly and confidently:
‘Daddy told you not to open that door. You can open this door instead, and see what’s inside.’
Short and sweet. Rather than responding only with ‘No’, you have offered an option to take their curiosity to a different place. No shaming. And no blaming. Kind and clear.
Play-date patience: remembering the real you
I’ve noticed that when I’m short on patience, I can react sharply to my children. One of them isn’t too bothered by this, but the other is much more sensitive about the way I communicate. I’ve also noticed that if I’m hosting one of my children’s friends for a play-date, then I’m much more pleasant – even when I’m short on patience. If the friend is making a mess with paint, for example, I’ll encourage them to fix the situation in a nice way. So why is it that we hold ourselves to a higher standard with other people – even strangers – but not to the ones who are most important to us?
When talking about this with a couple in a session once, they suggested that the way we are at home is the ‘real’ us – we are free to be ourselves. This begs the question, then: can’t we be real and be ourselves in a kind way? Why, when speaking with a stranger in a kind way, is it not the ‘real’ us? To the people who are most important to us we allow ourselves much more leeway than we should. So I remind myself of this whenever I can, and when I’m short on patience I imagine myself talking to a stranger when I communicate with my children. I’d prefer them to remember this me as the ‘real’ me.
The “Thank you!” way
Observing several teachers at nurseries and primary schools over the years has helped me understand what works best with children. There are the teachers who say: ‘Don’t disappoint me on this trip’ or ‘I’m so disappointed!’ or ‘Did I ask you to do that? So why are you doing it?’ or ‘Why aren’t you tidying up with your class?’. Then there are the other types, who use more respectful and positive language, and say ‘thank you’ at every opportunity:
‘Thank you for being such a wonderful class during the trip.’
‘I’m so proud of you today!’
‘Can you help me with this? Thank you!’
‘Good listening to instructions. Can you wait for your turn?’
‘I’m so proud of all of you for sitting so nicely. Give yourselves a clap.’
I’ve also noticed that the latter type of teachers use more questions than statements. For example:
‘Thank you for bringing me this drawing. Would you like to help your friends to tidy up?’
‘Do you want to put the plates in the big box?’
The difference might not seem too dramatic, but after many observations over a long time, I have come to a number of conclusions. The teachers who say how disappointed they are reduce motivation in their classes, which results in a continuing sense of the teacher’s disappointment. The teachers who use appreciations and respectful words of ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ achieve far more cooperation and have reason to feel proud of their classes. Not only this, but the teachers who use questions more than statements motivated the children to cooperate more. I have to say, it was much more fun and relaxing to sit in on their classes. And when we feel relaxed, we have energy to be curious to learn and develop. Whatever your child’s experience at school, you can bring this tip into your home. Thank you.
Don’t play the shame game
The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention
- Oscar Wilde
Coming from a country where people need to learn to say ‘Thank You’ more often, I am very impressed with the English culture of manners, and people are generally kind to each other. However, I sometimes hear parents trying to teach their children to be polite and I cannot ignore the dissonance between the lesson the parents are trying to give and the way they deliver it. Some shout hysterically and aggressively (Say thank you! … Did you say thank you?) even when the child has already said it! Some shame the child into saying it (You’re old enough to know better … Why didn’t you say thank you? … I didn’t hear you say thank you). Some even say thank you on behalf of the child with a tone of voice and attitude that expresses sarcasm or anger or disappointment.
We cannot teach politeness by being mean! We cannot teach politeness and respect to others by not acting politely to our children in the process of their learning. So, how can we do it, you may wonder? Look:
Child: ‘Mum can I have a cup of water?’
Parent: ‘Please can I have a cup of water?’ (without sarcasm or a negative tone of voice)
Child: ‘Please can I have a cup of water?’
Never embarrass your child in front of other people. You can kindly and gently ask if they want to say thank you. If they are young or struggle with that, then you can say ‘thank you’ on their behalf and talk to your child about your expectations when it’s just the two of you and you’re in a good space.
CHAPTER 5:
WHAT YOU SEE FROM HERE, YOU DO NOT SEE FROM THERE
Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask ‘What else could this mean?’
- Shannon L. Alder
There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.
- Miguel Ruiz
Understanding your child’s view of the world can change the way you connect with them. Here I describe the ways you can enter your child’s ‘inner world’.
Understanding the code
I start my positive parenting workshops with this game. I ask for two volunteers to leave the room. Within the group, I hide an object. When the volunteers return, they ask the whole group or particular individuals ‘Yes/No’ questions to find the object. Sounds easy, right? But there’s a catch. I guide the group to answer their questions using specific codes for ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. The rules of the game are made very clear to the group, and all their answers make sense once you know the code, but the two volunteers don’t know it and soon they feel misled, frustrated, angry, and helples
s. A level of frustration is always there even though it is just a game.
In many ways this is how parents and children communicate, because they speak different languages! And when we don’t understand each other, it creates negative feelings. In my workshops this can be funny because we know it’s a game. For our children, however, it’s daily life. For example, children might say their tummy hurts when they feel anxious or nervous. They may complain about having boring homework when in fact they find it too hard to complete. They might ask what you do with the dead fish you find in the fish tank, because they are concerned about the death of a relative. Or they might tell you about another sick child at school who waited for his parents to pick him up, just to be assured that you will be able to pick them up if needed. This is not manipulation – this is how they experience the world and how they make sense of things. Try to learn their language, and to work out what your child is trying to tell you.
A world of giants
It is said that ‘to the world you may be one person, but to one child you may be the whole world’. So how do toddlers experience us? First, we are huge! We are giants! Our body is gigantic, our bags too, and our plates piled with food. What they see from their height and perspective is very different from what we see. Have you ever been back to a place you frequented as a child – and found to your surprise how much smaller it was than you remembered? Imagine spending a day on your knees. This is how toddlers experience their environment. From their perspective, they really see, feel and experience ‘reality’ differently.
Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 5