by Autumn Avery
I open my mouth to speak, but before I can, Shannon chimes in again.
“Now!” She repeats. “Or should I call public safety?”
Tommy gives me one last look like, “Are you gonna say anything?” But I’m stuck, frozen, and just stare back at him like an idiot. He gives me a look that hurts my heart, then gets up and moves toward the door.
“W-wait,” I say, holding my hand out. But Shannon’s having none of it.
“No, don’t wait,” she says to Tommy. “Grace, I got this, okay?” She turns back to Tommy. “Keep it moving, big shot. That’s right.”
All I can do is watch Tommy go. I feel like the biggest bitch in the world and am screaming at myself inside for not doing something. But what can I do?
If I tell Shannon it’s all right, that I wanted to kiss him, she won’t believe me. And if I tell her I actually have real feelings for Tommy, then I’m admitting it right in front of him and we’ve barely gotten to know each other! That’s not how I want to have that discussion with him. It would ruin everything. He’d know I’m crushing on him and then he’d have me at his mercy. The last thing I need to do right now, if I have any hope of surviving this semester as his partner, is give him more power over me.
When he’s gone, Shannon slams the door and sits down beside me.
“What the Hell?” Shannon asks. “Are you okay? Did he try and force himself on you?”
“No, no, no, no,” I tell her, making sure she gets the message. “It’s nothing like that. It was my fault.”
“Your fault? How? You kissed him?”
“No, not exactly…” I trail off. How do I explain this? “I mean – he moved in and kissed me, and I just didn’t—”
“Didn’t know how to tell him no?” She says, finishing my sentence.
“Well—” She’s not wrong. I definitely did not know how to say no to him, but it’s not like I wanted to. “It’s not what you’re thinking. It was definitely my fault. I must have just given him that impression…”
“That you wanted him to kiss you?” Shannon asks, looking dumbfounded and concerned. “Grace, I’m going to tell you something, okay?”
She straightens herself up and takes a breath like she’s about to tell me some seriously bad news.
“Last year there was a girl who hooked up with Tommy. Her name was Victoria, and she was just like you, smalltown girl from somewhere in Vermont, straight-A student, the whole nine yards. And she was a virgin.”
Shannon pauses and takes my hand. My heart is still racing and I wonder what Tommy is doing now – what he’s thinking.
“She fell for Tommy, and everyone knew it. All she’d do was talk about him all the time. People tried to warn her about him, but she wouldn’t listen. She slept with him. He took her virginity and then never called her back. She went nuts. It drove her crazy. She tried to get in touch with him but he blocked her calls and eventually she ended up dropping out of school.”
“Shannon,” I start to protest, but she waves her hands and silences me.
“I do not want that to happen to you,” she tells me. “Look – I’m sure you’re attracted to the guy. If you want me to be honest, I’m attracted to the guy. Any girl in her right mind would be. But that doesn’t make him the best choice for either of us.”
A spiteful part of me wonders for a moment if Shannon is actually in love with Tommy and this is just her way of getting me off her turf, but when I look at her I just don’t see that being the case. She’d be a master manipulator if all of this concern was actually just a big act to get me to stay away from him while she found a way to move in herself.
No, she actually does care about me, and every time she tells me something it’s like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head while taking a nice warm bath.
“Is that really true?” I ask her. “About the girl?”
She nods. “Yup. Ask anybody. They’ve all heard about her. The story went around on Facebook and even I heard about it during my senior year of high school. She dropped out of school. She was in the top of her class too.”
Could that really be true? Maybe I’m being naïve, but that doesn’t sound like Tommy. I know he’s got a reputation, but would he really do that to a girl…a girl like me?
Maybe Shannon is right – maybe I’ve made a big mistake.
15
Tommy
Tommy
* * *
Man, what the fuck!?
My fists are clenched at my side as I kick open the door to my room.
She slapped me! She fucking slapped me!
My cheek still stings where her hand touched my skin. Talk about the biggest boner killer in the world! First her stupid fucking roommate comes in, catching us like she’s Grace’s mother or something, then Grace freaks and hits me in the face. Unreal.
What the Hell does that girl have against me anyway? Did I piss her off last year or something? If I was a better man, I’d put money on it being one of two things. Either she tried to get with me last year, it didn’t happen, and I don’t remember, or she wants me for herself. And honestly, it could be either one.
Obviously Grace cares what she thinks, or she wouldn’t have slapped me. I’m trying not to be too pissed off about it. Obviously she wants me, or she wouldn’t have let me kiss her. Not only did she let me kiss her, but she kissed back, and she was getting into it too. I’d be closing the deal right now if it wasn’t for that bitch roommate of hers.
I don’t even know why I’m putting up with this. I’m Tommy Mason! If this was any other girl, I would have been gone the second she walked out of that bathroom. Or maybe I would have put in a little bit of effort to give her a chance to change her mind, but that would be it.
But there’s something about Grace that’s just got me and won’t let go.
Am I catching feelings for this girl?
That is so not a Tommy Mason move. I had a girlfriend in high school. Her name was Julia. We started dating sophomore year and it was great. We never had any fights, we had all the same friends and she loved coming to my games and cheering me on. No matter how many other people were cheering for me, how many other girls wanted me, seeing Julia in the stands was what would drive me to win.
Then senior year rolled around, and we picked our schools. Julia applied to UCONN, but she was accepted to Berkeley as well.
“Are you going to go?” I remember asking her. That was the last time I felt really vulnerable. She took so long to answer that she almost didn’t have to. I knew what she was going to say.
“Yes,” she nodded. “I’m sorry, Tommy.”
I was heartbroken. I got up and walked away and we haven’t spoken since. That was when the wall went up. It wasn’t intentional, but I just remember how bad it hurt knowing that the girl I loved was going away. She sent me an e-mail telling me how it wouldn’t be that bad and we could try it long distance, and I almost considered it, but then I got the news that her family was moving to California too.
I guess her mom had always wanted to live there, and now that Julia was going to school out there it just made since. They bought a house and I knew I’d never see Julia coming back to Connecticut. So I stuck to my guns. That was it. No more Tommy and Julia.
But not only that – no more Tommy and anyone. I came to UCONN and was the big man on campus, and I was only a freshman. I had girls lined up and basically just drowned myself in pussy to keep my mind off her. Over time, my feelings for her faded and my new lifestyle just become the norm. And not a bad one at that.
But now, I can feel a chink in my armor. Grace…
I lay down on my bed. Joey must still be out. I wonder if he’ll be back tonight. Hopefully he finds some girl and stays at her place. I just want to be alone for now.
And what’s up with Grace’s roommate? Is she going to go around campus running her mouth about me? I can see her being that kind of overly protective friend that starts telling everyone I was trying to force myself on Grace or something. I doubt anyone w
ould believe it, but shit like that can ruin a guy’s reputation. Hell, shit like that can ruin a man’s life!
But what the fuck am I thinking about all this right now for? I can’t even believe this is pissing me off. I don’t know why I’m so upset. Maybe the fact that I got turned down for the first time since I got to school here has me more weirded out than I realize.
That, or the fact that I was this close to getting somewhere with Grace and her roommate ruined it. I feel like I just got served the juiciest steak in the world at the best restaurant, and then just as I took a bite, some dickhead came over and ripped it out of my mouth and threw it in the trash.
I can still smell her.
Joey has a can of spray deodorant on his desk and I grab it and douse the room, trying to get Grace’s scent off me. I just can’t handle that right now.
I lay back down on my bed, trying to make sense of this whole situation. I don’t know what to do at this point. If I go down there to see Grace, and her roommate’s there, how’s that gonna go down?
I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten her number. She’s right down the hall from me and I can’t even contact her. Maybe the professor has her e-mail or something, or I guess I could look her up on Facebook.
But to be honest – I’m kind of pissed off. I mean, she slapped me! Why the Hell should I be the one trying to get back in touch with her? If anyone is going to have to make the first step, it’s her. Not me.
Imagine if somehow word got out about that?
“Yeah, Grace fucking slapped Tommy!” I can just hear the voices laughing about it. “And he still tried to hook up with her! And it didn’t happen!”
I’ll be damned if I’ll let that go down. No, if Grace wants to talk to me, she’s going to have to make the first move. I don’t have to go to sociology if I don’t want to. Someone from last year will have a copy of the exam, or I’ll just get my tutor to help me out, and that’ll be that. And if Grace is worried about the fucking research paper, well, then maybe she can apologize to me.
Fuck it, I’m going back to the party!
I grab my keys, kick open the door and am down the stairs and outside before I can think twice. I walk quickly back down to sorority row, passing a group of drunken freshman who recognize me instantly.
“Yo, Tommy-fucking-Mason!”
“Ayyyye, Tommyyyyy!”
I wave casually and take a side route through one of the parking lots. I’m steaming, and the breeze is doing nothing to calm me down. I guess that’s what I get for being a nice guy. This is exactly why I never let my guard down around girls. You give them an inch, and they take a mile and keep going.
I can’t believe she fucking slapped me.
The part of me that wants to care and understand her situation starts to rise up, but I push it back down as I round the corner and the sorority houses come back in sight.
I should just find some slut and fuck her brains out. If Grace isn’t interested, then why the fuck should I be? I apologized to her. I said things I’d never say to any other girl, and still she’d rather impress her roommate than be honest about her feelings for me.
As I head back down the street, I push Grace out of my mind.
If this is how she wants it, then this is how it’s going to be. It’s too bad too. I would have been good to her. But she messed that up. This is on her, not me.
I take a deep breath and head down the road toward the party. As I pass a group standing by the big oak tree in front of a really corny dance party, I hear a girl’s voice call out behind me.
“Hey, big fella,” she says. I turn around to see a total fucking babe wearing short, ripped jean shorts and a white tank top – and no bra. “How’d you like to buy me a drink?”
“The drinks are free around here,” I say suspiciously.
“I know,” she says with a seductive smile as she walks toward me, her hips swaying in just the right way. “Just a figure of speech. What I’m trying to say is…how about you and I get out of here?”
She bites her lip and looks up at me with total fuck-me eyes. This girl is a knockout. But I’m still feeling some reservations. On any other night I’d take her home with me – but for some reason I’m having my doubts.
“Come on,” she says, sliding her arm around mine and pressing her tits against my bicep. “I’m fun. Don’t I look fun?”
“Yes,” I admit. “You do.”
She smiles and slides her hand against my thigh. “So what do you say?”
16
Grace
Grace
* * *
I splash water on my face and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. This is where it all began. This is where I met Tommy Mason. It’s weird to think it hasn’t even been a week since we met and he’s already one of the most significant…events in my life.
No matter what happens between us, and it looks like that’s going to be nothing, I know I’ll never forget him. I am worried about how class is going to go with him being my research partner. Maybe I’ll just do the whole project on my own and tell him not to bother. Lots of work is nothing new to me, and how much of a help is he really going to be anyway? He doesn’t even go to class!
I shouldn’t have hit him. I should have said something. Basically, I screwed up. Is it too late to fix things? If he was here right now I’d apologize. At least, I’d try. Obviously I’m not good at these things. Maybe if I had to write him a two-page paper on what I was thinking and where I went wrong then he would understand, but when I try to say things…they just end up coming out wrong, if they come out at all.
Still, I can’t help wishing things had gone differently. But what was I supposed to say? “Hey, Shannon. Yeah, could you just give us the room for a few minutes?”
But why do I care what Shannon thinks about my love life – or whatever it is? Don’t I have the right to like who I want and do what I want? This is college after all! I’m supposed to be my own independent woman and all that jazz, and I think seeing the guy you want to see is a big part of that.
I get that she’s just looking out for me, but at the same time it seems like she’s being overly cautious. I mean, that story about Tommy and the girl who supposedly dropped out of school because of him? That seems…fishy. Any girl who could get herself that worked up over a guy, so much so that she dropped out of school – I don’t know, it just seems…overboard. I may be wrong, but I feel like there has to be more to that story.
I need to apologize, I realize as I dry my face. Even if things don’t go anywhere between us, it’s the right thing to do. Tommy’s a big boy, and I can’t imagine he’s that upset, but I feel bad.
I step out of the bathroom into the hall and turn right toward his room. I hope he’s there. My steps seem to slow down on their own as I grow closer to his door, and I can feel my heart rate start to rise. But I press on and will myself forward. I reach his door…and knock.
No answer.
For a second, I feel like I’ve been let off the hook and contemplate just turning around and going back to my room – back to safety. But I’m not going to let my fear get the best of me. I stand my ground, raise my hand and knock again. This time, I hear the sound of someone inside. Actually, the sound of two somebodies. One of them shushes the other and a male voice responds.
“Who is it!?”
Unbelievable! He’s got a girl in there!
I whirl on my heels and stride away back toward my room. But when I’m halfway down the hall, I stop dead in my tracks. How is this possible? How could Tommy come to my room, kiss me, then leave and have another girl over just like that? I guess he has a million bitches on speed dial like some sort of rapper or something.
The thought makes my blood boil, and without thinking, I turn around and race back to his door. I pound my fist against the wood and shout.
“Get out here, Tommy! Now!”
More muffled whispers from inside and I hear a girl’s voice.
“Who the fuck is it!?” She soun
ds really pissed off. Oh, well. I don’t care right now. I hear some scrambling around from inside and then footsteps approaching. The door opens.
And I find myself staring now at Tommy, but at Tommy’s roommate.
“What!?” He just about shouts at me, a loose pair of gym shorts the only thing covering his body, and judging from the bulge in his pants, I’m pretty sure I can guess what they were just doing inside.
“Oh—” I stammer, suddenly feeling like I’ve just been caught in the middle of committing a crime. “You’re not Tommy.”
“Yeah, no shit,” he replies angrily. “Now if you don’t mind?”
He moves to close the door, but I stop it with my foot.
“What, girl!?”
“I need to reach him,” I tell him. “Do you have his number?”
“Aren’t you like – his partner for history or something?” He asks.
“Sociology,” I reply, my voice dripping with sass. “But close.”
Joey looks at me like he can’t believe what’s happening and is contemplating hurling me out the third floor window. But I manage to pull off my best sad puppy dog face and he gives in.
“Let me get my phone,” he says with a sigh. He shuts the door behind him and I hear him arguing with the girl he’s got in there. After a moment the door opens and he holds his phone up for me to see. “Here. That’s his number.”
Quickly, I pull out my phone and enter it in. “Great! Thank you!”
“My pleasure,” he says sarcastically, slamming the door behind him.
I smile to myself as I walk back to my room. I knew Joey wasn’t that much of an asshole. As I step back into my room I type him a text:
I’m sorry. Can we talk?
Shannon looks up as I come in. Her eyes move to my phone, and I must be the most easily readable person in the world, because she instantly understands what I’m up to.
“No…” she says with dismay.