Life as We Know It (Love Not Included) (Volume 4)

by J. D. Hollyfield

  I’m not disagreeing with her, but…

  But what? There is no but. Henry, on paper, was all that wet dreams were made of. But in real life he fell short. Like way short. Like I was always waiting at the starting line, waiting to get going.

  “I love you. I just want to see you happy.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you want to talk about it? I promise I’ll behave.”

  “No, I really don’t.”

  She hands me a full shot of tequila, and I stare at it.

  “All righty then. So we won’t talk.” She clicks her tequila shot with mine and we slam them down. Others might cringe at the taste of tequila, but I love it. It’s my drink of choice. I can take em’ down all night and shoot tequila like it’s my job. A quality Henry would never have appreciated.

  Patti refills the shots and again, we clink. When we complete our third round she starts again. “So where does that leave your vacation?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know, I guess nowhere. He transferred the money into my bank account a few weeks ago and told me to book whatever I wanted. I found this seven-day cruise I wanted to go on, but obviously, that’s not going to happen now.”

  My poor pale ass is not happy with this turn of events.

  “So it’s all paid for?” Patti asks, not missing that mischievous tone to her voice.

  “Yeah, I mean technically if you call the butt load of money sitting in my bank account paid for.”

  “So then you can still technically book it, it just doesn’t have to be Mr. Suit Douche and the perfect, beautiful Ms. Summers.”

  I see where this is going. And I am not sure I like it.

  “Well yeah but…”

  Before she even lets me finish, she pushes another shot in my face. Clink! And we both slam. Number one rule in girl code is never to let a girl drink alone, especially when it’s delicious tequila. I also have a feeling she is using my love for tequila against me. Because anytime I attempt to argue she shots me.

  Three more shots down and a body full of tequila, and I’m warm and in agreeance with anything she says. Like I said, sucker for tequila.

  “SO… Like I was saying, the funds are there. He owes you. It’s the least he can do, send you on a vacation. Consider it a mourning vacation. Time for you to get away and clear your head. You can come back and be a new woman.”

  “Why would I want to take a vacation by myself?” I slur. “That kind of seems pointless, don’t you think?”

  By the look on her face, this idea was never meant to be a solo trip. Her mischievous face lights up and I fully get where she is going with this.

  “Ahhhh…”

  “Ahh is right. You won’t be going alone because I’ll be coming with you!” She drunkenly squeals.

  “I don’t know, Pats. I feel like this is kind of a bad idea. He’s probably going to expect me to return the money.” I’m actually shocked his secretary hasn’t called to put in the return money transfer already.

  “Pen, listen to me. You don’t owe this guy anything. He owes you. He just dumped you because you ran around topless! And for the record, if I haven’t said it enough I’m sorry. I would have fessed up to the pot sooner, if I was conscious.”

  Who seriously doesn’t love Patti right now? BFF.

  She continues, “—and I mean, who does that? You have been nothing but perfect for him. Who does that to someone they are supposed to love?”

  She is making all valid points and the tequila is starting to bubble with anger in my belly. I gave that guy everything. I let myself fall into this fake world just so I can make a man happy. This, I am confirming, is not cool.

  “There is it. Let the wheels turn girl…”

  Oh they are turning, all right. If anyone knows me best, it’s Patti. Therefore, she knows the firecracker side of me is begging to come out. I’ve hidden my inner wild side for the past two years to please him. But this? This is unlocking the gates to a very untamed, and wild, angry beast.

  The thought that is creeping out of my brain is this…

  What a total asshole.

  “Fine,” I bite out.

  “Fine what?” she perks up, waiting for my answer.

  “Fine, let’s book us a seven-day cruise to the Bahamas.”

  At that I get a crazy squeal. Patti jumps off the couch and starts doing her happy dance. I get up and walk over to my kitchen table and grab my laptop. I walk back over to the couch and Patti is pouring us more shots. Right about now things are getting a bit blurry. Okay very blurry. I know I said I could handle my tequila, but my vision is another thing. I sit down and whip my computer open. I have all my vacation links saved so it’s no problem getting to the page I need to be on. That Son of a bitch. Breaks up with me over coffee. And to top it off leaves by kissing me on the head like a little child. The only thing the tequila and I can think about is how this shit is so whack. I have a little freak out in my head. Tequila brings out a whole other side of me. Including a whole new vocab, hence the word, whack.

  The remainder of our night consists of more shots and a bunch of key bashing on my laptop. I remember hitting enter a lot until I vaguely remember Patti boasting about a pretty sweet itinerary. It’s also pathetic that, as I punched in all mine and Patti’s information and confirmed our trip, I sadly thought that this might be the best thing that has ever come out of my apparently superficial two-year relationship.

  A parting vacation.

  Two weeks later.

  THERE IS NOTHING LIKE spending a week-long vacation on a boat and taking in the sun around you. Sipping on cocktails from sun up to sun down, while indulging on food galore is what I call a vacation. If you are wondering if at any point in the last two weeks that I have felt guilty or regretted this decision, well the answer is hell to the no. First reason, is because less than forty-eight hours after I was fired from my relationship, a box full of my stuff landed on my doorstep. He seriously had his secretary box my shit up and then had it couriered over to me. He even packed all the photo frames of us that were spilled throughout his place. The icing on the cake was the file on top, that being my police record.

  What. A. Douche.

  If there was any remorse or sad feelings about how my relationship was in the dust, then that washed it all straight down the toilet.

  Because I was pissed.

  I was pissed at Henry for being such a tool and treating me like I was just another transaction in his life. How can you be so vain and not care about another human being’s feelings like that? Did he not stop and think about how I would feel? I obviously said I loved him. Didn’t that mean something? Did I love him? I did. I had to. I stayed with him for two years! Was I one hundred percent happy? Eh, well not fully. I mean isn’t it a given that no relationship is that perfect? Happily ever after’s were child’s play. Fairytales. I know relationships take work and that in the real world where we live, life demands way too much out of us to be able to give our full attention to little things like love and perfect relationships. Whatever, the point is, I put in more effort than he did and now I was the one on the loser end. The only conclusion swarming around in my brain is that he used me. He got what he wanted out of me, and now that my not so clean past threatened to tarnish his perfect façade, he dropped me like a bad habit. And I bet Cassandra loved everything about it. I bet she was just twirling with glee in her little Dolce mini dress at the break up. Well she can have him.

  I slam the rest of my margarita and set it down on the chair next to me. I turn over to see Patti dipping her sun glasses off her eyes, scoping out the scene.

  “Do you see that group of guys over there?” I refocus my eyes and pull my shades down, looking in the direction her finger is pointing. “Yeah, what about ‘em?”

  “I’ve been watching them for the past twenty minutes. And I haven’t noticed any wives with them.”

  “So?”

  “So! They’re all insanely hot. Which means we have open game.”

  Leave it to P
atti to scope out prey on a vacation. Not that I couldn’t use a good break up bang but I’m not one for random hookups. Then, I think if that’s the case, the next time I’ll get laid, and not by my vibrator, will be when I’m in another relationship. That also makes my stomach turn. Because it may be never. Men suck. Not going there.

  “Look!” she squeals.

  “What am I looking at?”

  “Them! Dude they’re all so hot. Let’s go over there.” She sits up and starts to adjust her bathing suit.

  “Dude, no way!” Bolting up, I grab for her arm. “Stop, what are you doing?”

  “Going to say hello. Come on.” She stands and I shake my head and lay back against my chair.

  “Nah, no thanks. I’m not interested.”

  “Oh don’t be a sour puss. I’m not telling you to drop down to your knees or anything, just say hello!”

  Who said anything about dropping to my knees? Geez.

  I miss my next opportunity to grab for Patti’s arm to stop her because she’s already off. I watch her strut across the ship and make contact with her target. I’m not going to lie, they all are pretty hot, standing there with no shirts on, all their muscles on display. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind taking a set of hands to those toned abs, letting out a bit of aggression on those smokin’ bodies. Use my dirty mouth to lick my way down to their hard…what the fuck? Dude, when did my thoughts turn into a sexual scene out of a porn movie?

  I blink out of my horny fantasy to see Patti waving at me, and the group of guys all staring my way. Great, was I just gawking at them all? Probably licking my lips like I’m some sort of hungry feline waiting to feast. Ahh it would be nice though. A good shake in the sack. Rumble under the covers. Snake in the—

  “Penny! Come over here!”

  Back to Reality. I force my eyes over to Patti who’s waving me over. Dammit. Now I can’t just sit here. It would be rude. I shake it off and get up, walk over and make it to Patti just as she grabs my arm to pull me closer.

  “Hey, these guys are all here for a bachelor party. This is Pete. He’s the groom.” I make eye contact with Pete who is extremely attractive. Light brown hair, hazel eyes and a body to die for. I stick out my hand to shake his, “Hey. I’m Penny. Nice to meet you.”

  “You as well. Your friend over here was just telling us how you two are on a girl’s vacation.”

  “Oh yeah. Just us two celebrating being girls and all.” Could that have come out any lamer?

  “That’s awesome.”

  “Congrats by the way, I guess?”

  He offers me a handsome smile, “Oh thanks. Yeah, finally settling down. Well, come grab a drink. Let’s celebrate the last day on the cruise and making new friends.”

  It turns out these guys are not only super-hot, but super cool as well. We learn that they’re from all around the states, all reunited on the cruise for Pete’s bachelor party. They all met in college at Dartmouth in upstate New Hampshire and have been really close ever since. As they say, small world because Pete who was only thirty-two was actually an attorney in downtown, New York. His fiancée, Amelia was a paleontologist for New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art and they were getting married at the Plaza on Fifth Avenue in Central Park. Since I was in my happy drunk state, I awed at everything he said. It just all sounded so wonderful. Yep, keep drinking, Penny.

  There were five guys in total, all mostly single, which I was shocked by since they were all complete hotties. I learned the whole trip was funded by Pete’s best man, who wasn’t with them at the time. He had decided to do an on shore adventure instead of spending the day on the ship, day boozing. Not sure there was anything wrong with day boozing, I was having a great time!

  Dinner time came and went, which may have been a bad idea, but drinking and having a good time sounded like a way better plan. Being our last day and all, we thought to make the best of it. It was getting dark when everyone decided to break away. We made plans to meet at ten o’clock at the dance club on the ship and spend the remainder of the night together. Spend an entire day boozing, and you seem to make a whole group of new best friends.

  “Holy shit, I’m drunk.” Patti slurs.

  Dude she can say that again. “I’m not sure I’m going to make it till ten o’clock to go to this club.” I hiccup.

  “Pen, it’s already like nine!”

  “Oh.” I look at my watch. Oh, wait I’m not wearing one.

  “Pull your shit together, sista. Those hot pieces of ass expect us there and I swear if I don’t end up in one of their beds, I’m going to be pissed. Did you hear they’re all staying in suites!?”

  “We’re staying in a suite,” I remind her.

  “Yes but they are in the Presidential suites! Those are big money! Whoever Pete’s best man is has to be loaded. Like way loaded. I hear he’s single too. Maybe I’ll get a piece of that action. If he ever shows.”

  “All yours, chica.” I wave. I would probably end up yacking on a guy if I attempted to do any sort of sexual movement right now.

  We fumble into our room and I hit the shower. There is nothing more difficult than trying to shower while drunk on a ship. I talk myself out of going out a billion times, because I have had way too much to drink, but then since I have had way too much to drink I keep managing to forget why I talked myself out of it in the first place.

  Stupid tequila.

  Thankfully the shower sobers me up a tad and I’m able to dress myself and apply makeup. I decide on my tight red mini dress. It is completely form fitting and if it didn’t compliment my perky tanned boobs, I would ask for my money back. This was a new purchase, after the breakup of course. Henry didn’t do sexy. That wasn’t even in his vocab. He is crazy conservative, hence why I owned a lot of long dresses. Those are going to be burned once I get home, by the way.

  “Holy shit, Penny. I think I want to have sex with you in that dress.” I turn to look at a gawking Patti. She is looking pretty hot herself. She opted for a green mini halter top dress. It might even be tighter than mine. “Look who’s talking, hot stuff.”

  We both laugh. Back in the day, pre-Henry, we would always dress up like complete skanks and go out. We both had the bodies, so we chose to flaunt them. As I stated, I was never big into one-night stands so I always went home alone, but I did get to live vicariously through Patti, with her crazy ass stories.

  Patti looks at the time, noting it’s exactly ten o’clock. “Okay, girl, let’s do this. Let’s end this ladies trip with a bang,” she says as she emphasizes the word bang by thrusting her hips back and forth. I’m pretty sure she plans on, and will succeed in, doing exactly that.

  Making our way to the upper level where the club is located, I notice it’s surprisingly packed. We see Pete right away waving us to the bar, so we walk over while getting an eye full of all the guys dressed up and looking as delicious as ever. I really need to rethink my one-night stand policy, because it would truly be a waste of my libido to deny any one of these guys.

  We walk up and Pete greets us. “Wow ladies, you both look great! What are you drinking?”

  I go to answer, but my voice box all of a sudden malfunctions. Out of the corner of my eye, with my mouth hanging half open, I catch the newest member of their party. And I think I may have just died and gone to heaven. Next to Pete stands a god. There’s no other way to describe him. Lean build, shirt tight enough to see his pecs flexing, dark rich brown hair. The bluest eyes I have ever stared into. I could get lost in those eyes. I don’t remember him from earlier, so he can only be Pete’s best man. My vagina is begging to reach out and shake his hand and then ask him back to my room. I start licking my lips thinking about running my tongue down his—

  “Are you okay, Penny?”

  Huh?

  “Huh?”

  “I asked what you’d like to drink and you kinda zoned out on me.”

  Patti, bless her heart, catches wind of my glitch and does the honors, “I’ll take a Cosmo and Penny will take a tequila, on t
he rocks.”

  “Wow just straight tequila?” Pete asks, looking impressed.

  “Yeah, our Penny here likes it rough and straight up.”

  She did not just say that. My cheeks flush. I’m about to knee Patti in the vagina for embarrassing me, when I hear the most magical sound.

  “So you must be Penny. The one who likes it rough?”

  The god steps forward and reaches out to shake my hand. I, unfortunately, don’t move a muscle. I’m frozen in time by this man whose shirt I may end up ripping off before dousing him in tequila and spending the rest of my night licking it—

  “Penny! Earth to Penny!” I snap out of it and turn to look at an inquisitive Patti. “Shit sorry. What were you saying?”

  “Sam. Pete’s best man was asking you about your drink.”

  Sam. I just want to purr that name. Saaam…

  I turn back and crash eyes with the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Real people just aren’t supposed to look that good. But this guy sure pulls it off. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me since ours met and it takes everything in me to act like a civilized human.

  “Hey,” I croak, my voice all of a sudden hoarse.

  He sticks out his hand again in a second attempt to shake mine. This time, I follow suit, and once our fingers touch, I feel it. That cliché spark shooting straight down to my core. I know I’m not imagining it either, because the moment his fingers thread through mine, his gazing eyes intensify. That’s when he brings my palm up to his mouth and places a gentle kiss to the top of my hand.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Penny,” he says in a sultry, sex-dripping voice.

  Holy. Fuck.

  I hope he’s as strong as he looks because I’m about to swoon and hit the club floor. It completely makes sense now why he’s the best man. I assume he’s probably the best at everything. For starters, swooning girls with that voice and asking them back to his room and showing them just what those sexy lips can do. Which I will kindly accept if he asks.