Crushing Desire

by April Dawn

  Movement in the balcony across from them drew Reena’s attention. Joshua stepped into the empty balcony box, and her world froze. Martin’s voice droned on in the background, but she heard nothing. She held her breath, waiting for him to turn. Joshua’s gaze met hers, and he stilled as well. The intensity of his stare made her pulse race, and the air seemed to charge around her. After what seemed like an eternity, but surely had been no more than moments, Joshua averted his eyes. Reena’s breath expelled in a soft whoosh.

  “They think he may need to be destroyed, but we will not know yet.”

  In her peripheral vision, Reena watched as Martin rubbed the top of one fisted hand with the other. She blinked, realizing that he had been telling her a story.

  “Oh dear,” she said, thinking it the correct response.

  Martin’s arm stiffened against hers as he straightened, but Reena’s gaze never left Joshua.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I see someone that I must speak with.” Martin pushed from the chair. He bowed over Reena’s hand, kissing it quickly and then turned and kissed Emily’s. She tapped his cheek lightly with her fan and called him a rogue.

  Reena’s gaze returned to Joshua and found he was watching her. Their eyes met for a moment, and she glanced away. Still, even after all this time, she couldn’t cease her body’s reaction to him. Her mind filled with images of their kiss, and her body tingled with the memory of his caress. Closing her eyes, she willed herself to forget him. To let go of the childish fascination with a man who had proved many times over that he held no interest in courting her. She needed to focus on what was happening around her.

  “What was the story that he was telling?” she asked Emily quickly.

  “I thought that a certain gentleman might have drawn your attention from the conversation,” Emily raised an eyebrow at her, grinning.

  Reena’s cheeks were so warm she didn’t doubt her face glowed brighter than the sun.

  Emily told her about Martin’s horse, achille, who’d had a fall, and the precarious health problems that had followed. It was a sad thought that the horse might have to be destroyed if the injuries were too severe, but even that thought couldn’t hold her mind with Joshua sitting in the box across from them.

  His dowager aunt had joined him now, and Joshua whispered something in her ear. He hadn’t brought a young woman with him tonight. The very idea sent a thousand butterflies taking wing inside her stomach. And they seemed to grow every time his gaze turned her way. He looked so handsome. His dark blond hair shined in the theater lights, and his deep black greatcoat and maroon waistcoat were a dashing combination.

  Martin returned then, bringing Reena’s attention back to their box. “Did you miss me?” he asked in her ear.

  Reena turned to him, and the happy gleam in his eyes made her smile. “Of course. Your business went well?”

  “I saw the veterinarian. I told him that I should be here for the evening, and he came to seek me out.”

  “I take it from your expression that your horse will be well?”

  “Yes. No internal injuries, he will heal. I have to say, that does put the sparkle in what promises to be a very lovely evening.” He winked, his hand stroking her forearm as though it were his.

  Reena fixed her gaze on Joshua again. He sat up straight next to his aunt, his stare locked on the empty stage. The lights were extinguished, and the few that remained lit were near the stage. Martin’s fingertips intertwine with hers, and she didn’t protest. He held her fingers as the curtain came up, gently rubbing her thumb with his.

  The story enthralled Reena. In point of fact, the main characters were not the couple to be married, but a couple that were loath to admit their obvious feelings for one another. In the end, when they spoke their love, she glanced at Joshua, who was staring at her from across the theater. The darkness could not hide them from each other.

  A shiver ran through Reena, and she pulled her shawl across her chest, sheltering her vulnerable heart. When the curtain fell, signaling the intermission, the audience moved out of the theater and into the lobby. Martin left her to find the servant with the refreshments.

  Waiting with Emily, Reena studied the crowd. The stairway leading from the balcony box darkened, and Joshua descended. His muscular legs led to slim hips and upward to a broad chest. Unable to stop herself, she waved when his head came into view. How was she ever to get over this infatuation if she continued to seek him out at every opportunity? She scolded herself silently, lowering her hand.

  “Hello, Ms. Benton.” Joshua bowed low over Emily’s hand, but his eyes focused on Reena. “Miss Harrison...”

  “Hello.” Reena’s found a spot on the carpet, sweeping her toe over the miniscule stain. “It’s a pleasure to see you here.”

  He took her fingers in his and bent his head to kiss her knuckle. Her mouth parted at the soft contact of his lips -- the first since their stolen kiss. Body aching with longing, she clung to his fingers. He held her hand for a lifetime, it seemed, until Emily’s foot nudged her back to reality. Over Joshua’s shoulder, Reena glimpsed Martin as he maneuvered through the crowd, drinks in hand, toward the intimate party. She drew her hand with care from Joshua’s hold.

  “I hope you are enjoying the play.” Joshua straightened, lowering his hand to his side once again.

  “Very much, Mr. Sinclair. It’s a wonderful tale of love.” Reena extended a hand as Martin rejoined them. “You remember Monsieur Dubois?”

  Martin’s eyes shot fire at Joshua, and Joshua seemed to shoot it back. They’d become a bit hostile lately, though Reena wasn’t sure why.

  “Of course, how do you do?”

  Martin stepped in, taking Reena’s elbow in his hand, but he didn’t reply. Joshua glowered at Martin in silence, and Martin glared back. Reena extracted her arm from Martin’s grasp, watching Joshua all the while. She hated it when a man touched her in front of Joshua. She wasn’t sure why, it just seemed wrong. Glancing back and forth between the men, she feared that whatever was causing the trouble between them would lead to blows. It was, she was sure, a business matter. Men were so concerned about that sort of thing.

  In an attempt to break the mood, she turned to Martin. “We should be getting back to our box, I believe the curtain is about to go up.”

  “Yes, that’s a wonderful idea,” Martin said, his voice with an edge as sharp as a blade. He took her elbow again and attempted to guide her off toward their seats. She resisted his hand for a moment.

  “It was wonderful to see you, Mr. Sinclair,” she said before giving into Martin’s persistent nudge at her arm. She walked away, mouthing a silent apology for their hasty retreat.

  “Now don’t you go following us up their Mr. Sinclair. We wouldn’t want the whole room to know that you’ve been chasing after my skirts ever since we met, now would we?”

  Reena glanced back, hearing Emily’s words and wondered if she would ever have the courage to be open in her manner the way Emily was. Plus, if ever Reena needed a plan, if ever she had a problem, if ever she needed to talk, Emily was there. Reena told her everything, and Emily never reprimanded her for her behavior even when it was warranted. More than that, when she was feeling low, Emily always knew the right thing to say to cheer her up even if it was a bit of a fib.

  Chapter Three

  Later that night, Reena stood in the middle of her room. Here in England, her uncle’s estate was much larger than her home in America had been. She had a bedroom and a dressing room which were hers alone. The room featured attractive furniture and the designer draped it in fine linens. Her bed was big and soft, softer than the small bed that she’d shared with her sister. Yet for all that, she longed to be with her family. They’d always been a close family, and Reena missed them terribly. The letters that they sent back and forth were all she had to sustain her in her darkest hours. These moments were made all the more difficult when the correspondences didn’t arrive. Unfortunately, this happened often because of the bitterness between the Col
onies and England over the Revolution. It was difficult to get a ship from one shore to the other without incident, even this long after the end of the war.

  Her mind wandered over memories long fuzzy, and she ached to see her family. She liked her life in England. Her friends were wonderful, and her suitors were fun, but truth told, the solitary thing that made the separation bearable was Joshua. Because of him, she could never truly regret coming here. If she’d stayed in America, they would have never met.

  “Lift your arm.” The small dictator of a seamstress demanded.

  Reena lifted her arm and glanced down at the exquisite material that was being pulled and pinned around her body.

  Mrs. Whitmore had been her seamstress for a long time, and her manner was such that Emily often spent hours standing behind Mrs. Whitmore, trying to make Reena laugh by mimicking her. When Reena would dress in one of her completed gowns, Emily would often take on the high pitch of Mrs. Whitmore’s voice and tell her not to crush the fabric.

  “Turn.” Mrs. Whitmore ordered and pushed on Reena.

  Reena turned, and Emily made a stern face, fisting her hands on her hips. Reena giggled.

  “This is not a game young lady,” Mrs. Whitmore chided. “Balls are the most important social events of a young girl’s life, and you have two in the next month. You had better understand the social implications.”

  “I am sorry, Mrs. Whitmore. I’ll try not to do it again.” Reena held her mouth firm to keep from smiling.

  She shot Emily a glare of warning. Emily only shrugged, as if to say that she couldn’t help doing what must be done. Reena tried to ignore Emily, but the more she did, the more outrageous her actions became, and soon Reena was laughing again.

  A needle pricked her skin, and Mrs. Whitmore glowered at her. “You’ll never get a proposal if you continue to behave in this childish manner.”

  The words struck a chord in Reena, her chest constricted, and she averted her face to hide the blow. The remorseful furrow of Emily’s brow and her soft eyes sent Reena’s insides reeling. She followed the rest of her seamstress’s directions with her eyes downcast, and Emily made no more efforts to entertain.

  When the seamstress had completed the alterations and the measures that she needed, Mrs. Whitmore took the dresses and promised to have them completed by week’s end.

  “I’m sorry dear,” Emily said when the woman was at last gone. “I know the new dress gets your nerves, and I was only trying to give you a bit of a giggle.”

  “I’m not angry with you. We both know that there isn’t much chance of a love match for me.” Reena kicked at a small scrap of delicate silk which lay at her feet. “Besides, Martin and Michael are very fun, and Dan is rather dashing. Being courted by the Dubois brothers is never dull. I should have nothing to complain about.”

  Reena threw herself into the high backed chair near the window and perused the gardens below. The countryside in England was beautiful, but never more than at that moment did she wish she was home. She missed the attractive little home that her father took great pains to keep in excellent shape. The fabulous meals that her mother could make out of even the simplest ingredients. And there was the playful companionship that her brother offered. Most of all, she missed her sister’s ability to cheer her in even the most devastating situations. Diane would have known what to say to a younger sister who loved a man that thought of her as a little girl.

  Emily put a hand on her shoulder and gazed down at her. “Things aren’t so grave as you think. You just need to give it time.”

  “Give it time?” Reena took Emily’s hand, pressing it between her own for a second before releasing it. “How much more time does it need? My coming out was almost a year ago. If Mr. Sinclair… If Joshua was going to court me, he should have come by now.” She picked at a small bit of lint which hung from her chemise. “You should have seen him the other day. I mentioned our kiss in passing, and he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. He would have run if his military training hadn’t been so extensive. He would have run screaming.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Emily walked to her side. “He stared at you like a fool tonight. Couldn’t keep his eyes off you for more than a second.”

  “You just wait and see, Emily. Nothing will have changed. I will not leave this house today and find him pining away for me, a huge bouquet of flowers dangling from his lovesick fingers.” Her throat held a dozen stones, and she sought to swallow around them for a moment.

  “Give it some time, Reena. That is all I ask.”

  She stood, and Emily carried the pieces of a simple blue gown to the bed.

  “I don’t know how much time I have. Martin keeps trying to kiss me.” She wheezed as the string on her stays was drawn taut. “Sooner or later I will have to end things with him. And if he goes, so goes his brother.”

  Emily clicked her tongue. “You really don’t know much, do you girl?”

  “What? You know as well as I that the twins are merely courting me because of their rivalry. I still remember the day in that alleyway. They fought each other so that each ended with the other’s head in his arm. It was rather ridiculous.” She grinned at the memory, in spite of herself. “Anyhow, they are competing for me. Remember when Uncle Howard had to turn them away when they started to bring me flowers? It started with a single red rose from Michael.”

  Emily grinned as she grabbed the dress from the bed. “Your uncle was quite put out with a house full of flowers and poor Martin on the doorstep with four dozen roses.”

  Reena laughed with Emily, the image of her uncle’s red face filling her mind.

  “All right. I won’t argue about the twins anymore, but I don’t agree with your opinion. What about George and Dan?”

  “George?” Reena lifted her eyebrows and smirked.

  “He is a wonderful man. Handsome and kind.”

  “For his age… Besides, he’s a somewhat wealthy man seeking an alliance with my very wealthy uncle. He doesn’t need me. They will ally with him without my help.”

  Emily’s eyes lit up for a moment, and then she disappeared behind her, dress in hand. “You really think so? Hmm… Okay, Dan then.”

  “No. He is interested in me, because I let him kiss me.” Reena’s words muffled a little by the dress as it slipped over her head. “I never should have let him. That stupid and dangerous curiosity… I should have left them in that alleyway alone with my hat, instead of kissing him to get it back. I was a stupid girl.”

  “Dear one, it is all right to be curious about men. It is more natural than society allows women to believe, and I think views will change on it very soon much like they are in France. France always did set precedent.” Emily smoothed the dress to her ankles. “Why when I met my husband, God rest him, I was so enamored that I kissed him right on the spot. Boy was he surprised, because I didn’t know him from Adam.”

  She giggled, envisioning a young Emily kissing the unknown boy who struck her fancy.

  “Yes, but you’re so different from me. I couldn’t possibly grab Joshua and kiss him… Could I?” Reena’s grin widened. “Could you even see me in your mind’s eye grabbing him by the greatcoat and kissing him?”

  Reena hadn’t seen any true affection from Joshua since she was eighteen and even that could merely have been grieving. She shook her head. “No, he would avoid my company as he did the night of my birthday. I have to accept my lot and become an old spinster woman. You and I can live together, surprising all the young men with our reprehensible and forward banter.”

  Emily smiled as she finished the last of the buttons that fastened her gown. She hugged her forcefully and spoke in her ear. “I don’t think we’ll get the chance, but I would love every minute of it.”

  Chapter Four

  Reena waited with Lily, her best friend from school, as she prepared to go down to the ball. The large ballroom had to be full by now. She could hear the introductions being given. Lily’s father insisted on introductions. He said it was because
he wanted an air of formality, but Reena and Lily knew it was because he couldn’t recall the visitor’s names without it.

  They stood in her dressing room, Reena’s petite friend staring at the ornate standing mirror. Lily opened a tiny bottle of perfume, and the smell of roses permeated the room.

  “You must make them wait, Reena.” She dabbed the

  liquid behind each ear in turn. “The anticipation is half the battle.”

  “I suppose,” Reena replied, fighting a smile. The girls from her school had so many rules that she found to be silly, but she couldn’t begrudge them when they were fighting off more suitors than they could count.

  “It makes you appear more mysterious. Makes them wonder what you spend all your time doing.” Lily placed the stopper back in the bottle.

  Reena skimmed her reflection in the mirror. She still couldn’t believe that she had agreed to wear the chemise dress for the evening, even though Mrs. Whitmore had agreed to double the cloth at the bust to ensure it held her firmly. Reena had to admit that this new style was a charming change from the unwieldy hoops that some of the women still wore. The striking outfit was gathered high around her neck, and without her stays, her bust came across as quite bulky. The creamy folds of the dress were gathered by a thick expanse of ribbon wrapped around her waist, and from there, flowed down to sweep along the floor. Reena peeked in the mirror at the petite, pale beauty of her friend. Her lip found its way between her teeth. She appeared to be a mythical giant standing next to Lily.