Crushing Desire

by April Dawn

  “Why is Joshua here?” she whispered vehemently.

  Emily leaned in, whispering as well. “I know that you didn’t wish to see anyone, but there is said to be safety in numbers. Besides, dear, it is Joshua.”

  “Joshua is the last person I want to see right now.” Her fingers compulsively clenched at the gun in her muff. The heavy weight of it helped her raw nerves to calm, and she took a long slow breath to clear her mind. “What if he… What if—”

  “It will be all right.” Emily squeezed her elbow. “Calm yourself and stop squeezing that pistol. You’ll end our evening far too quick and in an extremely unpleasant way.”

  Reena opened her mouth, but Emily held up a hand, silencing her.

  “Listen. I know you. I know the true reason why you insisted on going on this late night picnic is because the thought of it terrifies you.”

  Reena’s mouth snapped shut. She couldn’t dispute the honest statement.

  “You have never been one to let fear rule you, and you can’t avoid Joshua, because you dread what will happen or what he will hear. You will hate yourself for giving in to that fright. Especially if you lose Joshua because of it.”

  Unbidden, Michael’s face came to her mind, and she winced. She fought the burning sensation that signaled tears and told herself that what had happened was done and in the past.

  “All right.” Her words were no more than a whisper, but she held her head high and started back to where the men awaited their return.

  They began to walk in a procession, the four picnickers in a row with a few servants that were appointed to help this evening following behind them. She knew that some had been hired to carry and serve food. Uncle Howard had never been one to serve his own meals even at a picnic, and he had insisted that Reena shouldn’t either. There was also one powerfully built man dressed in black with rich brown skin and dark straight black hair who walked the edges of the shadows that were growing in the evening light. He was burly, and his eyes darted about quickly. He was protection, she supposed.

  9

  “Well now Joshua, did you hear of our little excitement?” Howard asked, his hands clasped behind his back.

  Joshua, who stood between Reena and Emily, reluctantly dragged his gaze from Reena’s downcast eyes and dour expression to Howard’s guarded one.

  “What excitement?”

  He ground is teeth as he considered the possibilities, fear twisting in his gut like a knife. Had Reena accepted a suit? Was she returning home to America? Would she leave him, never to smile at him again?

  He realized with quite a bit of a shock that it would in fact hurt if she did. He couldn’t expect her to be around forever, to spend her life alone, visiting with him when he came to the manor. She was young still and didn’t deserve to be a spinster. She merited a loving man that would take her home to the people she loved most in the world and had missed during her sojourn in England. She ought to have those things and warranted them as much as she did an influential title and hoards of wealth. Perhaps he should have courted her. How would another man know what she truly needed?

  After Joshua’s line of thinking, Howard’s words were even more of a surprise.

  “Our dear Reena and poor Ms. Benton were nearly assaulted by ruffians.” Howard looked at them while he spoke.

  Joshua rocked back as though he’d been hit in the chest with a boulder. “What?”

  Reena frowned, and her expression seemed to darken further when Howard told him what Joshua suspected was a modified version of what had really happened. It was obvious that something more had taken place, because Reena’s cheeks flushed scarlet, and her eyes fixed on her shoes as she walked. She was hiding something, and Joshua hoped that what she was concealing wasn’t too terrible. Howard, it seemed, suspected the same thing, because he glanced at Reena often during the telling of the story.

  For a while after the telling was complete, no one spoke, not even Emily, which was truly unusual. In fact, Emily hadn’t spoken at all this evening, which was very suspect, indeed.

  “Well I certainly hope that you’re all right.” Joshua put his fingers on Reena’s elbow for strength, though for himself or for her, he did not know.

  “I’m fine.” Reena gave him a weak smile that melted his heart.

  They made idle chit chat as they walked, but Joshua’s mind never left Reena. He decided that he would clear her conscience. The lie was eating her alive, and he intended to find out the truth. She would feel much better when she told the whole story—to someone anyhow.

  When they arrived at their picnic spot, a large fallow field that was covered with bright green grass, they sat and watched the sun setting while the servants prepared the area by lighting lanterns and setting out the meal. The sky demonstrated beauty with oranges, reds, and purples mingling with the gray clouds that were spread throughout. For a while at least, she seemed to be occupied with something other than her thoughts. Joshua studied her as she surveyed the changing colors with wide eyed wonder until the horizon faded, and the pale moon rose high in the darkened sky.

  “That was so beautiful. It makes me wish that I had the talent to express it.” Her words were soft. “But even if I were the greatest writer in the wide world my pen would surely lack words beautiful enough to express the amazing magnificence of that sunset.”

  Reena always astonished him. Her enjoyment of the simple things was wonderful. She viewed things like flowers and sunsets in the same way that one viewed priceless art: with awe, reverence, and a distinct pleasure that only true appreciation could bring. To Joshua, she was the work of art.

  “Yes, stunning.” He let her believe that he meant the sunset.

  Looking her over as he seemed to do of late with ever-increasing frequency, he forced himself to admit that she was not a child anymore. He’d always found it difficult to keep a distance from her unless he reminded himself that she was a girl and forced himself to see her that way. He was no longer able to do so. Her slightly rounded face still held a hint of childishness, and when she smiled in innocent delight, the whole room seemed to smile along with her. Aside from that, everything about her, the way she moved, the way she spoke, the sound of her laughter, all of it screamed of her womanhood. She had no idea what she did to a man—to him.

  She looked at him for a moment, her eyes seeming to penetrate all the way to his soul. He swallowed hard, fighting the urge to turn away.

  “I’m sorry about the other day.” Her words were strained. “I just… I was…” She peered off into the distance, hugging herself tightly and rubbing her arms even with the heavy coat she wore.

  Even as he pulled his overcoat from his shoulders and drew it around her, his mind flew to her bungled attempt at what he assumed was a kiss. The innocent action had more than shaken his resolve, it had toppled it. There had been something in her eyes, a charming and naive longing, which had crumbled all the walls he’d built around himself. Walls that had taken numerous battles and the loss of a wife and child to build. He had years of training and mastery of his self-control, and in minutes, this woman made him lose it all. Unsure of the best course of action, he drew his gaze from her and cast about for something to say before glancing back in her direction.

  Reena stared at the river beside them with a distant look on her face. Joshua wanted to see her laugh again. He hated this shadowy mire that had overtaken her soul.

  “Have you ever seen Orion?” He indicated a group of stars overhead with a sweeping hand.

  She looked up at him for a moment and then favored him with a warm smile.

  “No, I don’t believe I’ve met him,” she said, her brightness making Joshua’s heart leap.

  “It’s a constellation of stars.” He pointed. “See.” He drew a line with his finger from one star to another. “There. And there is his sword.”

  She followed his finger to the pinpoints of light.

  “He protects the lonely wanderers. And that”—he pointed again to another spot in the heavens�
��”is the big dipper.”

  “How fascinating.” She pointed at a small cluster of stars. “What is that?”

  He followed her finger to the point where a number of constellations joined. “That is the milkmaid, being chased by a bear constellation.”

  She flipped around, eyebrows furrowed. “No… Really?”

  He held his eyes wide, trying to appear angelic and honest as she studied his face, eyebrows drawn together speculatively.

  “You’re teasing me.” A small grin formed at the corners of her mouth, working its way inward.

  “No really,” he replied, pointing to a star. “See there are his teeth, catching her skirt.”

  A laugh broke free from Reena’s lips, and the quiet conversation that Emily and Howard had been having stopped abruptly. It was a wonderful sound, especially after an evening of its absence.

  “Oh, yes. I see,” she replied, her giggles growing louder. “And there… She dropped her milk bucket.”

  “Precisely.” He nodded. “And if you look over here, you can see the young farmhand in love with the dowager constellation. You see there is cupid’s arrow still protruding from his posterior.”

  The resonance of her soft giggles made his heart sing and soon the others joined in, making up their own asinine constellations. Joshua listened to her laughter, loving the sound. At that moment, he decided that he wouldn’t let her have another melancholy moment if he could help it. He would make every effort to give her exactly what she really wanted, no matter the cost.

  By the time they’d returned from the picnic, everyone was beaming, Joshua more than most.

  Chapter Twelve

  The remaining days before Reena’s nineteenth birthday were spent in preparation. Fittings, tastings, organization, and other duties filled her time. Emily said that no woman should have to work to plan her own birthday party, but Reena insisted on helping. She needed to keep busy, to keep her mind off of things for a while. She had noticed that Joshua came by each day, offering his help with the planning. He’d happily done work that any other man would have balked at. He helped with linens and tastings, turning quite red when the chef tried an experimental pepper stew. She hadn’t had any time alone with him, but she hadn’t wanted to. Emily remained by their side the entire time, steadfastly awake. She had worried that he would ask about the attack, and she didn’t want to lie to him.

  By the day of her party, she’d finally begun to think that she might enjoy herself.

  “The guests are beginning to arrive,” Emily said from the doorway.

  “Well, I’m nineteen now. Another year and I shall be a spinster, and we can find a little home of our own.”

  She smiled as Emily’s eyes sparkled with amusement.

  “Yes, and perhaps we can get some dogs or cats to keep us company until the spinster and widow hunters come calling.” Emily winked. “The guests will be lining up to greet you soon.”

  Reena nodded, knowing that she was hiding. She had seen George speaking to her uncle and knew that he would likely propose tonight. She would have to break the kind old man’s heart and wasn’t expecting it to be easy. There would be lots of questions as well, and she didn’t want to answer them.

  She scrutinized her reflection in the mirror and swallowed hard. Her hair was piled atop her head, the end coming from a knot at the nape of her neck and curling down her back. Golden ringlets framed her face, completing the Romanesque style. The gown that she wore fit wide on her shoulders, showing the bones that formed a vee on her upper chest, and a bit too much of her swelling bosom over the neckline. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to care enough to fight about the alterations of late. The lace on the sleeves and the hem of the gown were a beautiful peach. A lovely compliment to the cream colored gown and the peach ribbons that trimmed the dress and adorned her hair as well.

  “Let me add a few things.” Emily stepped forward with a container in hand.

  Reena eyed her lips as Emily smoothed the tint onto them, giving her mouth a rather full appearance and her face a flush. It gave the impression of her lips having just been kissed. Her eyes, now blue, shone bright in the mirror, making her appear excited even though she wasn’t sure that was what she was truly feeling.

  Emily pulled a delicate little jewelry box from her pocket and reverently drew a pearl necklace and earrings from inside. They had been the last gift that Emily’s late husband had given her. Reena had been begging for years to be allowed to wear them and had repeatedly been denied the privilege. As Emily put them on her, Reena stared in amazement.

  “You are a stunning woman, Reena. Every man here tonight will be fighting for your hand, perhaps even the married ones.” She surveyed Reena’s reflection.

  “You’re only saying that because you have to, or I’d never let you forget it,” Reena said, as they hugged.

  “I mean it, Reena, you’re turning into a fine woman, and I am glad to share some of the responsibility for that.”

  Reena fanned her tearing eyes.

  “Stop. Are you trying to make me cry? You only want to make me weepy eyed, all red and puffy, so that all the men will be at your beck and call instead of mine. Trying to rid yourself of the competition, aren’t you?”

  The pair laughed and headed for the door arm in arm.

  The substantial tree filled lawn where Reena had decided to have her party was filled with flowers. Chairs and tents were set up all over the grounds to keep the guests cool and relaxed. The tables of food were lavishly spread and thin material and glass balls had been used to decorate the nearby trees and out buildings. The attractive glass balls that hung from the trees held candles that could be lit if the party should continue on into the evening.

  The men and women turned when she stepped down the porch steps and into the sunlight. A murmur went through the gathered guests, and then her uncle was escorting her into the crowd.

  There was a blur of greetings, and the lawns were soon teeming with guests. It seemed that most of the local gentry were there for her party, and she found herself wishing that she’d thrown a lavish ball instead. Many were playing the prepared games and dancing near the hired orchestra. The party was a success, but not fitting the stations of some of the attendees.

  After many greetings and quite a number of small gifts, George made his way toward her. His white hair and clothing gave him the quality of an apparition. His eyes were bright, and their blue depths sparkled. Reena licked her lips again, suspecting that this would be the day that she would have to break his heart. Emily, who stood at her side, straightened to greet George. He bowed his head over Emily’s hand. Reena watched the exchange quietly, waiting for George to turn to her.

  When he approached Reena, George bowed deeply as the other men were doing, but the expression on his face changed unexpectedly. He didn’t stand and didn’t move from the bow, but instead put his hands to his back. It took everyone a moment to realize that he was stuck. Everyone observed the poor man struggling to stand, unsure of what to do. She caught sight of Dan’s laughter from across the lawn, but did not return it. The sweet man didn’t deserve to think she was laughing at him. Emily reached out, putting her arms around his waist and helped him to stand fully erect. After a weak smile, George turned and hurried away from them.

  Joshua was there when she turned back to the crowd once more. Their eyes met, and the energy that flowed through her made her jump. His eyes never failed to astound her. They had a quality of strength and softness that she found incredibly appealing.

  Reena’s gaze moved to his mouth as he walked toward her. His lips looked so soft, and all she could think about at the moment was kissing those seductive lips. When finally he stopped, Reena was mesmerized by his masculine beauty. He stood before her a roman god, arms folded across his chest, feet braced apart.

  “How are you enjoying yourself this afternoon, Miss Harrison?”

  It took her a minute to process his words, her eyes fixed on the deep dimples in his cheeks.

&
nbsp; “Wonderful,” she said. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

  “Much more now.” His eyes sparkled.

  Reena smiled brightly. “As am I.”

  He drew her to the side of the large group that had been surrounding her. Reaching inside his blue waistcoat, Joshua drew out a book with a red ribbon tied about its center.

  “I brought you a small gift. I hope you like it.” His eyes never left her face as he held the tome out toward her.

  Reena took the book. She removed the ribbon, tying the dark crimson material around her wrist with his help. Then, turning the cover toward herself, she read the title.

  Her jaw dropped, and she gaped up at him. The excitement in his eyes showed that this was no coincidence. He’d bought her the book, because he’d remembered how badly she had wanted it.

  “Oh Joshua, The Divine Comedy! I’ve wanted this book for so long, but it has been too difficult to find. How did you get it? It wasn’t too terribly expensive, was it? If it was, I must insist on reimbursing you.”

  Joshua laughed, a deep rumble that made Reena want to laugh as well.

  “I’m pleased that you like it, and I insist that you keep it. You wouldn’t want to insult your uncle’s business partner, now would you?”

  “Heavens.” She pressed a hand to her chest, feigning horror. “I never wish to do that!”

  “Reena, I should like to introduce Lord and Lady Waverly.” Uncle Howard’s voice brought her back from the pleasant little world that she seemed to share with no one but Joshua. She lifted her brow apologetically, and the good wishes and introductions continued.

  When all the greetings were exhausted, Reena found that she was enjoying herself, at least until she saw Michael and Martin arrive together. Michael had a smile pasted on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes.

  As soon as the coach had rumbled to a stop, they came to greet her. Martin made jokes and behaved as though all was well, but when Michael asked to speak with her, Martin silently slipped away. They moved together to a bench between the trees that would afford them some small privacy. Michael’s appearance was that of a man in a funeral procession, making the sound of laughter and happy chatter seem out of place.