Crushing Desire

by April Dawn

  Reena eyed it, wondering who could have written it. She could see that it had been opened already, so she dashed to the bed and read the missive.

  As she read the words, all other thoughts rushed from her. All thoughts of Joshua, Michael, Uncle Howard, and everything in her current life fled.

  Your father is ill. Doctors are doing all they can. We don’t know much yet.

  Love to you,

  Mother.

  She reread the letter, then held it to her chest, thoughts of her family filling her mind. After a moment, Reena ran to her uncle’s study, opening the door without even requesting an audience. Her uncle stood regally in front of the fire. His uncharacteristic glass of brandy swirled beneath his nose as though he were deep in thought. He turned his head and looked at her, but his posture never changed.

  “Oh, Uncle. It’s terrible, Father is ill, and I must return to him. You must send me home immediately. The groom says that there is a cargo ship leaving at the end of the week, and two passenger ships leaving at month’s end. I am certain one could be convinced to take us to America.” Reena spoke quickly, shoving the paper into his hands and pointing at the words as she did.

  He took the missive and read it, his statuesque composure never cracking, not even faltering. When he was done, he turned to Reena.

  “We don’t even know that the illness is serious, Reena. He might even be well already. I think that you should remain until we know more.” He moved to the large wooden desk and took a seat.

  She glared at him, hands on her hips. How could he treat this all so flippantly?

  “They sent a letter, Uncle, which means that it is serious. They also say that the doctors are doing all they can, and that tells me it’s very bad, perhaps even deadly. If not, mother would have it well in hand. I want to return,” Reena insisted.

  “Out of the question. I see a proposal from a very powerful and well-respected man on the horizon, and I’ll not let you leave until I get it.” He sipped from his warmed brandy.

  Reena clutched at the paper, her hands closing fiercely around it. Her father was more important than any suitor, no matter how powerful.

  “Uncle—”

  “That is enough, Reena.”

  “You act as though you were the one who is getting the proposal! I don’t want to think about that while—”

  “I’ve had my say, Reena!” His voice boomed. “This conversation is over.” His hand extended toward the door.

  Reena stomped her foot so hard that the impact reverberated through her leg. Wrenching the letter from his grasp, she ran from the room.

  Emily stood in the hall, hand resting on her throat, eyes averted. Reena reached for her arm and pulled Emily silently with her to her room.

  “We have to leave here, Emily, we have to go to my father.” Reena closed the door behind them as she spoke. “Look.”

  She handed the letter to Emily, and she read it over, eyes hooded. Her face was hot, but her temper was cooling some with her certainty that Emily would help her.

  “You want us to leave together? Just you and I? Impossible.”

  Reena’s jaw dropped. She stared at Emily for a moment, then trudged to her bed and plopped down upon it. Emily came to her and stroked her hair, gently freeing it of the pins, which had come loose when she’d stormed from her uncle’s study.

  “You know we can’t. I’m sorry, but until your uncle gives us permission, we have to stay.”

  “I don’t understand this.” Reena fell back on the bed, hands covering her face. Emily, the woman who had always been the one to see what was important and to help her find the answer was telling her no.

  “It’s not safe, Reena. Two women traveling alone...”

  “But we traveled alone when we came here, and we have our pistols,” Reena sat up and faced her. “Besides, you’re not afraid of anything, and I… I shall try not to be.”

  Emily shook her head, her eyes soft. “The captain on our first crossing was a friend of your fathers, he had several loyal men aboard, and you were still quite young. Things are different now. Maybe if we had a man along…” Emily shook her head, looking at Reena as she spoke. “We can’t do it. Two small pistols will not stop a ship’s crew. We need protectors for a long voyage at sea.”

  Emily hugged Reena to her. “Your uncle will come around. Give him a day or two and then ask again. Now, I want you to go outside. It’s a superb day for a little reading, and the sun will greatly improve your disposition.”

  Reena opened her mouth, but Emily placed a finger over her lips. “I’ll not argue about this right now.”

  Balling her fists, she brought them to her lips. She would have to find another way. Grabbing the letter, she ran from the room.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Joshua walked back from the river where he’d spent an hour to give Howard time to sober himself. Reena had not been reading by the river. He glanced around, hoping, yet not wanting to see her as he went. The thought of another man having taken her virginity… He rolled his head on his neck, relieving the strain. Part of him wanted to propose to her, to give her the shelter of his name and spare her the humiliation that would come if she was with child. The remainder wanted to throttle her.

  “Devil’s hangman!” Joshua picked up a rock and threw it hard into the river.

  His emotions had been out of control, each fighting for the chance to come to light. During the past few months, Joshua had slowly come to the realization that he not only wanted her, but also deeply cared for her. He hadn’t been able to convince himself, however, that he could accept Michael having taken her virginity. The war inside him was still rampant as he stepped into the gardens that ran alongside the river. When his foot finally hit the bottom of the stairs, dark thoughts vied for control of his mind, but all was forgotten when Reena came running out the door and into his arms. Her hair hung loosely around her shoulders, forming a golden halo that framed her face. The tears that streamed down her cheeks and the crumpled note in her hand sent the white flags flying. All he cared about at that moment was fixing whatever troubled her.

  “What is it Reena?” He cupped her face in his palms and pulled her gaze up to meet his.

  She leaned her cheek into his hand, basking in the comfort it offered. Her eyes, when she handed him the letter, showed a depth of misery that crept into his very soul. He read the missive and handed it back to her.

  “When do you leave?” he asked, paying no heed to the stab of pain that shot through him at the thought of her departure.

  Motioning for him to walk with her, Reena plodded down toward the path, which led back the way he’d come. Joshua wandered along the path until they reached the small garden at the rear of the house. When they were finally seated in the gazebo, which stood at the center of the garden, Reena bowed her head, smoothing the crumpled paper lovingly in her hands.

  “My uncle won’t let me go. He says he’s waiting for an offer from a powerful suitor and until he gets it, I’m not to leave.”

  A twisting sensation in the vicinity of his heart nearly felled him, and he dropped onto the bench next to her. At that moment, he no longer wanted her to marry any of them. It didn’t matter what had happened between her and Michael. He wanted her to be with him, and him alone. All that he had to figure out now was how to convince her of the same thing.

  “I have a plan though.” She looked down at her wringing hands. “I must ask your help with it. Normally, I would ask Emily, but she sees eye to eye with my uncle this time.”

  He lifted her chin, staring into her eyes. They were red from tears, and her cheeks had pinked beautifully. She seemed so frail and helpless despite her tall stature.

  “What plan?”

  Head high, Joshua steeled himself. He could see that she was desperate, and any plan she may have would reflect that desperation.

  “I require some large men’s clothes and packing cloth. The clothes need to be very plain and poor.” She tugged out a pouch full of coins. “This shoul
d be enough to pay for it. I need it by the week’s end. Can you do it?”

  Joshua gaped at the pouch and back at Reena’s expectant face. “What are you planning?”

  “I intend to gain passage on a ship,” she said. “I know the passenger ships won’t take me for so little coin, and they don’t leave for a while anyhow, but the Pampered Princess is sailing to America. It may be a cargo ship, but I think I can gain access. “

  Joshua’s eyebrows rose with his tone. “I heard how difficult it was on you when you were a young girl, crossing from the Colonies with the war so recently won.”

  Trade, travelers, and mail had to be smuggled to and from the ports most of the time or risk the anger of those that caught them. Even now as the century came to a close, it was still difficult, and at times, dangerous to travel to or trade with the Americas.

  Joshua knew that her father, Richland, sent her abroad to free her mind of all the carnage. Carolyn, her mother had been caring for the injured men and had no choice but to take Reena along when the battles were at their bloodiest. As Joshua knew too well, all hands were needed during those battles. At the end of it, Richland had taken great faith in a captain he’d befriended and sent her on the perilous journey. Joshua still wasn’t sure that if he were the one to decide, he would have made the same decision. And now it seemed that the same decision was on his shoulders.

  “I shall be fine. I’m no longer a child.” Her chin rose, and she glared at him, daring him to dispute it.

  “All right, how will you get aboard?” Joshua waited for the illogic of the plan to strike her.

  “If I can convince the captain I’m a man, he might take me on as part of the crew, and I can sail with them. If he refuses then I can stow away and hope that I’m not found until we are too far to turn back. The Princess leaves at week’s end, and I intend to be on that ship, one way or another.”

  Joshua choked loudly. She could never pass for a man. She would surely be discovered if she tried. If Reena were caught, she would pay her passage on her back. The thought of a lonely crew of sailors finding Reena, alone and unprotected, made Joshua’s bile rise. He’d be damned if he would leave her to the mercy of a lustful crew of sailors or even at the mercy of fate.

  “You mustn’t do this. Your uncle will come around. Speak to him again, and you’ll see.” He attempted to hand her back the coin.

  She looked at him, and then glanced at the pouch that he was trying to fold into her hand.

  “Perhaps I can... Well no, that would never work.” She took the small bag and turned from him, still muttering her plans.

  Joshua surveyed her for a moment. He knew he had to talk her out of this imprudent plan.

  “You’ll do nothing, or I shall be forced to tell Howard. This foolish notion may very well get you harmed or killed, and I won’t have you running off with some impractical plan that—”

  She turned silently, but her expression froze the words on his tongue. Her jaw was set, and her eyes blazed such as he had never seen in her before.

  “I swear to you, Sir, if you even think to tell my uncle of my plan before I can execute it, I shall never speak to you again.” Her voice was deathly calm at first, but rose as she continued to speak until Reena was very nearly shouting. “I don’t understand how you all could decline to help. This is my father’s health and possibly his life that we are discussing. I do not know how you can be so callus and uncaring as to deny me—”

  “Miss Harrison.”

  “What could well be the last opportunity—”

  “Reena!”

  Her words ceased at the tone of his barked command, but her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over. At the misery he saw in her, Joshua found himself experiencing an emotion that he hadn’t encountered in years: helplessness. Pulling her into his arms, he held her close, offering her the warmth and strength of his body.

  “What if he dies, and I never see him again?” she whispered softly through her tears, and Joshua kissed the crown of her head.

  “That will not happen.” He knew that she couldn’t be talked out of it now, not when it meant so much to her, and he wasn’t so heartless as to try again. There was another solution to this problem.

  “I’m going with you.”

  “What?” Her brow furrowed.

  “I’m going with you. I won’t let you travel alone. Anything could happen, and I should prefer you have someone to protect you, should you need it.”

  “You could say I’m your younger brother,” she said excitedly, warming to the idea. “And we could tell—”

  “No.” He cut her off, knowing her thoughts. “You won’t pass as a boy.”

  He looked at her exaggerated curves, and then back at her face, which had reddened slightly.

  “I understand that I don’t have a petite figure, but that is what the packing cloth is for. I should bind and appear as though I was only somewhat hardy, nothing more. Besides, with my height it will work. It has to work.” She shifted to face him more fully.

  “No, Miss Harrison. It won’t do. You are too feminine, too graceful, and that disguise won’t work.”

  “You don’t have to tease me so unkindly. If you won’t help, say so, and I shall find another way.” She folded her arms over her breasts.

  “Don’t misunderstand me. It’s a good plan, and for any other girl it might work, but not you.” He held up his hands.

  “Well, I do have an alternative. We could go as brother and sister. Or…husband and wife?”

  A jolt of excitement shot through him unlike any since his boyhood. He paused, behaving as though he were struggling with the choice when he knew that it was the only one.

  “We shall go as husband and wife. I could speak with the captain and convince him to bear us along. With the right coin, I’m sure he will agree.”

  Like a silly schoolboy, he was eager to take the trip and have time alone with her. Her frown turned into a grin, and she hugged him tightly.

  “Thank you, Joshua. Thank you so much.” She pushed the coin pouch into his hands. “Let me know if this isn’t enough to cover the fare, and I shall give you the rest as soon as I can.”

  His refusal of her money was on the tip of his tongue, but he realized that if he turned it down, she would not accept it.

  His mind turned from the problem at hand to the warm body that pressed against his. The soft supple form that pressed close to him was magnificent. The not inconsiderable breasts, though bound, were still much more generous than the small waist that he slipped his hands around now. The rounded hips and bottom beneath were firm as they brushed his side. Her fingers moved to smooth an errant hair at the nape of his neck, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the tingle of pleasure that began where flesh met his.

  “I should go.” He cleared his throat, trying to relieve some unknown blockage. “I have to meet with your uncle, and then I must see the captain of the ship.”

  Joshua looked into her eyes, seeing the emotion there and wondered how he would get through the long nights in the same room with her without touching her, without her body beneath his.

  “Yes, of course.” She glanced down at the letter grasped in her fingertips.

  “And I shall return for you Saturday, midnight. Be prepared.” He turned, leaving her to stare after him, wide eyed.

  He had almost agreed that they should pose as brother and sister. This would mean they would have separate rooms, but it would also mean that he wouldn’t be able to provide much protection. That was the most important thing to him, keeping his promise to protect the woman. He didn’t know how he would manage to be alone in that room with her, but he certainly would not be her brother. Husband is what he would be when they left here, though the letter he would leave behind for Howard would mention no such thing.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The week came and went in a flash. Reena waited in the gardens, small bags shaking in her hands. Would they stay in the same room? In the very same bed? Surely they would
have to if they were to pose as husband and wife. The worst part, the unanswered question that troubled her most was an important one: could she protect her virtue from herself?

  She reached onto the bench next to her and fiddled with the rock that held her note to Emily safely on the bench. Worry had run through her all week. Fear that she wouldn’t be able to find her self-control and would disgrace herself by attempting to seduce him. What if she tried to kiss him and then couldn’t stop herself? Worse yet, what if she kissed him and he stopped her, or said that he didn’t want her. If she did lay with him, could she be happy as a mistress? Could she face her family?

  A coach stopped down the road some ways from her home, and she shook those thoughts from her mind. She shifted the smaller bags to one hand, grabbing the case that held her travel clothes and started for the coach. A male figure jumped from the back and came toward her. When Joshua was close enough to be seen, she smiled at him, enjoying the brilliant, dimpled smile that came back to her. He was a magnificent man. His muscles were clearly visible beneath his deep blue waistcoat as he moved swiftly to take the luggage from her. What would it be like to touch those muscles? What would it be like to explore his body? To find its secrets and to have him find hers. For the moment, however, she basked in the light of his bright eyes, the problems of the world melting away.

  “You’re sure about this?” The sparkle faded as he studied her in the moonlight.

  She followed the square set of his jaw, her gaze running over his chin, lips, and then beyond to meet his eyes.

  “Positive.” Reena pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

  Nodding, he handed her into the coach and jumped in behind her with a catlike ease and grace that enthralled her.