by Leah Murray
`Jo?’
She couldn’t meet his gaze, didn’t know what to say to him, how to explain that seeing Jack again, feeling his hands on her, had somehow ripped open the wound she’d felt healing over the past few weeks. `I just don’t …’ she couldn’t continue, stared down at the duvet, wished he’d simply go away and leave her in peace.
`Right,’ he said, and she could hear he was angry. `What the hell have I done now?’
She bit her lip, frowned, torn between wanting him gone and not wanting to hurt him. Compassion won. `It’s not you,’ she said in a small voice.
`What the hell are you on about? Are you trying to say you want to end this?’ he asked and she looked up, shocked.
`No. Why on earth would you think that?’
His frown deepened. `What the hell are you trying to say then? Giving me the “it’s not you it’s me” speech. What do you expect me to think?’
Oh God, how had things gotten so out of control?
`That’s not what I’m saying,’ she said carefully, weighing every word, trying not to aggravate the situation.
`What the hell are you saying Jo? If you want this finished then damn well say so.’
She couldn’t believe the sudden anger in him, the obvious hurt.
`Will, I’ve already told you that’s not what I want. I just … well, I mean … it was only last night that Jack was here and I can’t stop those feelings from coming back.’
`God, so now I remind you of him? Great,’ he turned and stormed out the room.
She hesitated then clambered off the bed and went after him. `Wait, Will.’
He turned at the bottom of the stairs, looked at her with a blank expression and she felt a sudden chill in her heart, didn’t realize how much she’d come to rely on him being open with her, warm, caring. Now he simply looked cold and distant and she was scared at how bereft she felt.
`What?’ he asked.
`Where are you going?’
`For a Goddamn cigarette.’
He turned, stomped out the front door and slammed it hard behind him.
She stood on the stairs, biting her lip, trying to decide what to do, what to say. At last she decided whoever’s fault it was, arguing like that was stupid so she breathed in, swallowed her pride and stepped outside.
He was sitting on the steps, smoking, staring out at the horizon. Even in the dusk you could still see the blackened char of the field on the hillside opposite them, a sight that only magnified her sense of guilt. She sat down next to him, cuddled her knees against the slight chill and tried not to notice that he didn’t even look at her, instead took another drag of the cigarette, kept staring at the hillside. Intensely aware of him next to her, she stared at the oak tree, still trying to find the right words.
`I’m sorry,’ she said eventually.
He shrugged, stubbed out the cigarette and looked down at the ground, scuffed at the butt with his foot.
`Will?’
He looked at her then and she felt a sharp jab at the expression in his eyes. `What do you want me to say Jo? Do you think I can simply forget what you said to me and we can go on like it didn’t happen?’
She frowned, looked away. `No … but surely you can see it’s not about you? It’s him.’
`How the hell can it not be about me when I can’t touch you because it reminds you of him? Do you know how that makes me feel?’
`God Will, that’s not what I meant. Not like that.’
`No? Well you said it and the damage is done now.’
She tried to put a hand on his arm but he pulled away and she sighed.
`I don’t know what to say to make this better,’ she said after a pause.
`Yeah well join the club. I don’t think you can make this better. I don’t know how I’m supposed to touch you without knowing you’re thinking that about me. It’s not exactly an inviting thought.’
It was breaking. The closeness that had been building between them over the past few weeks was suddenly evaporating and she was chilled to the bone. It couldn’t end like this. God, she really didn’t want it to end like this.
`Will please,’ she said, hearing the tears in her voice, trying not to give in to them.
He shook his head, clenched his jaw and didn’t say another word.
She stared at his profile, the hard lines of his face, saw that he had decided, closed her out, and suddenly she was overcome with an intense anger.
She stood up and knowing it was all over then anyway, she didn’t particularly care about what she was saying, started yelling at him. `How dare you close me out like that? You decide and it’s suddenly over? You don’t have that right! You don’t! I’m part of this too you know. I said I was sorry, there isn’t anything more I can say but you just sit there all high and mighty. Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a change you big …. big bully!’ she spat out, at a loss for a better word.
Then she stormed down the driveway, determined to walk home.
He didn’t come after her, simply sat watching her and that somehow made it even worse.
She walked on, tears flowing freely now, trying to think of where to next. She’d move again, go somewhere Jack couldn’t follow her, change her name this time. Maybe go to the States, California, start a whole new life. Meet someone new, someone better, someone who’d come after her when she was upset not shut her out, someone who actually cared.
That released a flood of new tears and she sat down on the side of the driveway. She didn’t want to go to damn California, she didn’t want to pack up and leave. She just wanted Will. But he didn’t want her. What a God awful mess.
`Come back to the house Jo.’
She tensed as she heard his voice, saw him standing in front of her. She’d been so busy crying she hadn’t heard his steps on the gravel.
`What’s the bloody point. You don’t want me there anyway,’ she said, studiously avoiding his gaze, staring at the gravel.
He sighed, crouched down. `Just come back inside.’
She noticed he was avoiding touching her. It hurt.
`Why? Because you feel guilty? Can’t leave me alone in case Jack gets me? Just put me on a damn plane and I’ll go home, you can forget about me and get on with your life.’
`Jo get up. I’m not going to get into another stupid argument.’
She laughed. `See! You decide and voila, no argument. It doesn’t matter what I think, what I feel. So long as you’re happy that’s all there is to it.’
`Goddammit,’ she heard the tone, knew his patience had snapped even before he reached out and picked her up.
`Put me down!’ she yelled, struggling, wriggling so much he almost dropped her, had to bend down and put her back on her feet.
`For fuck’s sake!’ he swore, stood glaring at her, no longer cool and distant but very much there and very angry.
She stepped back unconsciously, but glared right back at him.
`Oh do what you damn well like. I’m going back inside before my Goddamn house burns down too. The damn oven’s on,’ he said, storming off back down the driveway.
She stood staring after him, chest heaving with angry breaths, but finally followed him back to the house, knew she’d never had any real intention of leaving anyway.
And he had come after her. That was enough, it showed he still cared.
CHAPTER 24
THEY ATE IN SILENCE. HE avoided her gaze and after sticking his plate in the dishwasher went upstairs and she heard the shower start. She sighed, swallowed the last of her food, didn’t even know if it had been a decent meal or not as she couldn’t taste it, couldn’t focus on anything except the churning emotions grinding away in her stomach.
Finally, she stood up, started cleaning the kitchen to give herself something to do, then went upstairs. He came out of the shower at the same time as she stepped into the passage and he didn’t even look at her, didn’t say anything, simply went into his bedroom and slammed the door.
She stood staring at t
he wood, half wanting to kick the damn thing down but not really having the energy. So she sighed, went into one of the spare rooms, climbed under the covers and cuddled Whiskers, cried herself to sleep.
She woke around three am, heard the sound of the TV coming from his room and knew he wasn’t asleep. Deciding she’d given him enough space, she stood up, went to the door and turned the knob, not bothering to knock, knowing he’d probably ignore her anyway.
He was sitting with his back against the headboard and looked up briefly, turned his attention back to the TV. She sat on the edge of the bed, deliberately blocking his view.
He narrowed his eyes at her, clenched his jaw, but didn’t say anything.
`How long are you planning on ignoring me for?’ she asked.
He met her gaze then, his own steady, assessing, and it took all her self control not to look away.
`I’m not ignoring you,’ he said, his voice even.
She sighed, found a loose thread on the duvet and started twisting it with her fingers.
`Will … please don’t do this. Don’t let him ruin this too.’
He sat still, didn’t reply, simply kept watching her and she shifted, uncomfortable under his gaze, looked down.
`I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted some space, time to clear my head. You …’ she took a deep breath, decided if she was going to bare her soul she may as well bare it all at once, `you’re the first person I’ve been with since … since what happened. You’re the only one whose been able to make me forget all that. It’s just this was so soon after seeing him again and I couldn’t help but think of it …’ she heard her voice break, bit down on the tears, determined not to cry yet again.
He sighed. `Come here Jo.’
She looked up, hesitant, saw that the hard lines had disappeared from his face and went over to him, curled up, leaned her head on his chest and felt his arm around her back as he pulled her closer, pressed his lips against her hair.
`I don’t know what we’re going to do about this but I’m sorry for reacting like I did. I should have thought about it from your point of view,’ he said after a moment.
`Will, you’re not like him at all. You have to believe me when I say that.’
She felt him nod.
`I still can’t forget what you said though,’ he said, his voice low.
`I didn’t say that Will, you assumed it.’
He sighed, pulled her closer. `I don’t know what to do now,’ he said after a long pause.
She sniffed, tried to think of something to say, was at a loss herself. `I don’t know either but as long as we’re still talking to each other it will sort itself out eventually.’
He nodded, started running his hands through her hair and she smiled faintly. It was a tentative peace but it was better than the cold, hollow despair she’d been faced with earlier.
She woke before he did, looked over at him sleeping and felt a tug at her heart as she remembered the events of the night before. She decided she’d try make up for it, make him breakfast. So she went downstairs, busied herself making batter for pancakes and brewing a pot of fresh coffee, humming to herself under her breath.
She heard him come downstairs and tensed but didn’t turn around, not sure what to say. He came into the kitchen and she sensed his hesitation before he walked over to her, stood directly behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissed her neck.
`Morning,’ he said.
She stood still, awkward for a minute, then she grabbed what courage she had left and turned, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him hard.
Finally she stepped back, grinned at his bemused expression.
`Morning. Sit down, I’ll get you some coffee,’ she said.
He looked puzzled, sent her a searching look but went and sat down, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.
She poured the coffee and took it over to him, smiled as he met her gaze.
`Why are you being so friendly?’ he asked.
`No reason,’ she replied, returning to the stove and finishing the last pancake. She flipped it onto a plate, rolled it in some cinnamon and sugar, added a spritz of lemon juice and took it over to him.
`Breakfast,’ she said, setting the plate down.
The grin was very much in evidence now and his eyes were dancing.
`Okay, correct me if I’m wrong but I thought you were pissed off with me last night. Now I’m getting breakfast and coffee and –’he broke off, his gaze moving down to her mouth.
She bent down, kissed him again, lightly.
He reached behind her, pulled her closer to him, deepened the kiss and she sank into his lap, went with the rush of feeling overpowering her.
Finally, she pulled away, looked up at his still bemused expression and smiled, walked over to the kitchen bench to make herself some coffee.
`I was pissed off. Now I’m sorry. So let’s forget it okay?’ she said.
He didn’t reply and when she turned around he was still watching her, but he smiled.
She sat down, sipped at her coffee and stared out the window at the garden, tried not to notice the way he kept his eyes on her as he got started on the pancakes.
`So, what time do we have to see Shaun?’ she asked after a minute, looking back over at him.
`Two. We can just hang around here in the meantime unless there’s something else you want to do,’ he said.
`Well we can go get Jess and Nemo then come back here.’
`Are they ready to come back?’
`Yes, it was just a sedative and Ian will have made sure there weren’t any lasting effects. It’s odd though, I don’t understand why he used the darts.’
`I’m just grateful he did.’
`Hmmm.’
He finished eating, sat back in his chair. `Have you got something to put on your eye?’
She raised a hand to her cheek, having forgotten all about the black eye.
`I’ve got some cream upstairs. Why? Is it looking bad?’
`Let’s just say there’s a nice purple tone to it now.’
She groaned. `Thank God it’s sunny, I’m wearing sunglasses for the next few weeks.’
He nodded, suddenly serious. `He’ll pay for that Jo. All of it. It’s only a matter of time.’
She felt a slight chill at his words, shivered and rubbed at her arms, didn’t reply.
They left for the clinic at 7.30, arrived just as Ian was opening up. He greeted them warmly and left Jo to give Jess and Nemo a final check-up while he got things ready for a day of surgeries. Both dogs seemed to have recovered well and greeted them with barks as they walked into the room.
Will walked over to the cages and patted each of them. He sat rubbing Nemo’s back while Jo hefted Jess onto the examining table and listened to her heart. She was surprised when Laura walked in, not having expected her to be there at such an early hour.
`Why are you in so early?’ she asked.
`I got a lift, I’m going out tonight. You’re not the only one who has a life you know,’ she said, walking over to them.
Jo clenched her jaw as she saw Laura look closely at her eye.
`Up to his usual tricks is he?’ she said and Jo drew in a sharp breath.
`Fuck off Laura,’ Will said, his voice even but the violence in his tone unmistakable. He didn’t move, kept looking at Nemo and Jo looked from him to Laura, not quite sure what was happening.
`Don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ Laura said finally, flounced out the room.
Jo swallowed, very aware of the sudden heavy silence that had descended on them. Will kept his gaze averted, was still patting Nemo but he was tense and a small muscle was pumping at the corner of his jaw.
`Will, why did she say that?’ she asked eventually and he looked up, narrowed his eyes at her.
`Do you believe her?’
Jo frowned. `I don’t know. I don’t think so but why would she say that?’
He met her gaze, his own steady and dark with anger. `It’
s simple Jo, either you believe her or you don’t. I’m not playing these damned games.’
She stared at him for a moment longer, returned her attention to Jess, pushed down the sudden doubt. The peace they’d brokered last night was still fragile, she wasn’t going to labor the point because she really didn’t think he’d do something like that. True, he had a temper, but she somehow couldn’t see him ever hitting her.
So why had Laura said that and why did he refuse to defend himself?
After saying a hasty goodbye to Ian, they took the dogs out to the car. Jo went round to the front of the Land Rover while Will whistled for the dogs to jump in the back.
She glanced up at the windscreen and felt herself grow cold.
Slowly, she reached out and picked up the bouquet of white roses leaning on the bonnet of the car.
`What the hell?’ Will asked from beside her.
`He’s been here,’ she said, heard her voice shaking as she gripped the roses tightly, didn’t even notice the blood from several thorns as they stuck deep in her fingers.
`How do you know it was him?’
She looked at him, eyes wide with fright. `Because he always sent me white roses, they used to be my favorite flowers.’
Will grabbed the bouquet from her hands and threw it in the bushes beside the car, opened the door and stood waiting as she climbed inside.
`We’re taking the dogs to the farm then we’re going to Shaun. I’m not waiting till this afternoon. I’ve had enough of sitting around doing nothing while he keeps on at you,’ he said, getting in the driver’s seat and slamming the door.
She nodded, stared down at her hands, saw the faint rivulets of blood from the thorns and choked down the hysterical laughter.
…
The flowers had been brilliant. He hadn’t been able to resist, had seen the car, the florist a few hundred yards down the road, and decided why not. He grinned, felt a sense of satisfaction. She’d be wary now, panicked.
Just where he wanted her, reeling her in slowly. Only a few more days now.
He tapped the steering wheel as he drove, enjoying Mozart’s Nachmusik, narrowed his eyes at the woman walking on the side of the road, recognized her from the pub and had a sudden flash of inspiration. What better way to prove he was serious? It was about time Jo learned what he was capable of. Appreciated his talents.