Moore than Forever

by Julie Richman

“Well I don’t know about that.”

  Insisting, “No, trust me, you will love this. I had left a client file on the dining room table that I needed for a meeting, so I went home to grab it and have some lunch. When I got into the apartment, I thought he had left the TV on in the bedroom, so I went to turn it off.”

  Schooner’s mouth opened, “It wasn’t the TV, was it.”

  Shaking her head, “Nope. He was fucking one of his students in our bed.”

  “And you walked in?”

  Mia was smiling, the memory not at all painful, “I did and quite the scene ensued. I threw the girl’s clothes and shoes out the window, which was on the sixteenth floor, and pushed her out of my apartment wearing a bed sheet.”

  Letting out a laugh, “Only you.”

  “I know. So me, right?” she released his hand.

  “Well, what about him?” Schooner wanted this guy gone.

  “I threw his ass out, too,” she was proud of the memory.

  “Good girl,” equally as proud of her. “Did you ever hear from him again?”

  “Not for a long time,” Mia swirled the amber liquid in her glass, “and then I got a call from him on December 31st, 1999. It was a surprise call, but it was a nice call. A lot of time had passed and I’m guessing he was just a little melancholy,” Mia smiled at Schooner, “and probably all of his students were home for the holidays and he had no one to fuck.”

  “Where does he teach?”

  “He’s at NYU.”

  Schooner was shocked. This guy was downtown, not all that far from where they were living. “And you’ve never run into him?”

  “Surprisingly no. Which is pretty amazing,” she took a deep breath, as if gearing up for something. “Well, after it ended with him, I went a little wild for awhile. My behavior became more than a little destructive and risky. Rob had been bugging me since sophomore year to get into therapy and work with a professional to deal with what happened freshman year and I just kept thinking it wasn’t an issue and I could handle it. But it was an issue and I couldn’t handle it. Right after I was raped, I had you there and you were so protective and I was so happy that you really loved me, that I could just push it away from reality. Just lock it away. I think by the time I left at the end of freshman year, I had somehow convinced myself that it never really happened. I just wrapped all my self-worth into my relationships with men, and after Tom, when I wasn’t in a relationship, everything I’d locked away started to bubble up. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t feel anything and I wanted to feel. And the more out of control I got, the more I thought, let me just go a little farther, a little closer to the edge, and I’ll feel something, I will. But I never did. And I kept getting closer and closer to that edge. And I didn’t care. I didn’t love me. I knew Tom never loved me and I just didn’t feel like I was lovable. I was the girl that got used and raped and thrown away and cheated on and left. That’s who I was, that’s how I saw myself. And I guess that is who I had become.”

  Schooner could not breathe. Mia Silver was probably the strongest, most resilient, self-sufficient woman he had ever known and hearing her verbalize the struggle, knowing that he had added to it - whether it was his fault or not - was shredding his heart. How could this amazing woman think she was anything but wonderful?

  “Mia,” he reached out his arms for her and she held up her hand, shaking her head no. A wave of devastation enveloped him. What the hell was going on?

  Continuing, “I got really bad. I was a mess and I kind of had to hit rock bottom and get to a place where I didn’t even recognize myself anymore before I finally took the advice that both Rob and Seth had been giving me for years, and that was to get into therapy, find someone who specialized in working with victims of sexual assault.” Mia sat quietly for a few moments, “I worked really hard in therapy,” their eyes met, “it was really hard and really, really painful, but it got me to a healthier place,” again she paused, looked down, brows knitting as she worked through her thoughts. It was a moment before she looked up at him again, “And it was only then, when I’d faced some painful truths and learned to identify and control my triggers, that I could get into a healthy relationship.”

  Oh God, here it comes, thought Schooner, feeling impending doom. Remaining silent, he was afraid his voice would crack if he spoke and asked her to go on.

  “That same New Year’s Eve when Tom called me, the millennium, I met someone really special,” she paused, smiling, the look in her eyes beaming pure love. “His name was Michael Portman.”

  Wanting to know everything, yet not wanting to hear another word, “How did you meet?”

  “Charles and I threw a joint New Year’s Eve party and he was there. He had been Charles’ roommate and frat brother in college.”

  Nodding, “You met through Charles,” he repeated the fact that she had just disclosed. Charles, who had become his best friend in the past sixteen months. They all knew. They all knew everything. Only he didn’t know and now for the first time, he felt like he’d inserted himself into their group - a group with a bevy of secrets - and he was the outsider. The only one that didn’t know. Was he ever really one of them?

  As if not taking note of Schooner’s clearly disturbed reaction to her admission, Mia continued, “Michael was an amazing man. He was so good to me, Schooner. You would have liked him.”

  Schooner remained silent. Where the hell was this going?

  “For the first time in a long time someone made me feel special and loved and worthy. Although I don’t know that I was ever worthy of someone as wonderful as him. He was so good to me and he was so good for me.”

  “When I told you that I’d never loved anyone but you, you told me that you never loved anyone as much as me. That told me that there was someone you had loved. Was it this guy?” he needed to know. He needed to know everything Mia and all their friends knew and he didn’t.

  Mia nodded.

  “And your Facebook picture, the one in front of the mansion. Was that him?”

  Mia’s face showed surprise that Schooner even knew about that picture. “Yes, that was him. That was Labor Day Weekend in 2001. We were up in Newport.”

  Starting to fidget, she played with the glass in her hands and he could see that she was on the verge of tears.

  “Well, what happened with you two?” he had to know - this was becoming painful. The anticipation. Would it all crumble? Was it all that fragile? These thoughts had never even crossed his mind before and yet now, he was filled with dread.

  Reaching for a box of tissues on the nightstand, Mia dabbed her eyes and took a deep breath, but didn’t speak.

  Wanting to reach out and pull her to him, hold her tight so that she knew she was his, Schooner just sat there, not moving. Everything about Mia’s body language was saying, “Don’t touch me” and he was paralyzed by it.

  Glancing up, she looked Schooner in the eyes, her bottom lip trembling, “Michael worked on the 105th floor in the North Tower of the World Trade Centers.”

  There was no air in the room. Someone had stolen his air, forced it out of him with a sucker punch. The ultimate blindside. There was no way to have anticipated this. His ears were ringing. Where was the air?

  Feeling the sting of tears as they filled his eyes, he heard his voice saying, “Oh my God,” but didn’t remember saying it, “oh my God.”

  Tears steamed in a torrential river down Mia’s face and Schooner no longer cared whether she wanted to be touched or not. Closing the space between them, he pulled her to his chest, holding her tightly, rocking her, kissing the top of her head.

  “Your office, your windows face the Trade Centers. You saw it, didn’t you?”

  Looking up at him, she nodded. “We just watched it. We couldn’t do anything, we just watched it. We watched them burn and fall and Michael was in there,” she sobbed into Schooner’s chest.

  Remembering his anxiety attack that day, he wondered if in some cosmic way if he was feeling her pain, if he was somehow with
them on that day.

  “I talked to him after the first plane struck and they were trapped, he couldn’t get out. We stayed on the phone, I stayed with him, until the call cut off and he was gone. He was just gone.”

  The pain in her eyes was so overwhelmingly profound at the memory that Schooner could not control his own tears. The thought of Mia’s pain watching it all unfold and being totally helpless, the thought of Charles losing an old and dear friend, ripped into him deeply, but more than anything else, the thought of this man, not just a name on a list in the Los Angeles Times, but an actual person that the people he loved, had lost, and what he must’ve gone through on that day, as he awaited certain death, crushed Schooner so completely that his chest physically hurt. It wasn’t an event on TV for these people. It was their reality, it was their friends and loved ones and they were as helpless as the people trapped inside the burning buildings. Schooner’s heart broke for Mia and her friends. And his heart broke for Michael Portman.

  “I’m so sorry, Mia. I am really so sorry,” and he was.

  Wiping her eyes and nose, “You would have really liked him, Schooner. He was just a really good person and you would’ve been really happy with the way he treated me and cared for me. He was just a good, good man.”

  In that moment, Schooner knew she was right. In his absence, he would’ve welcomed someone who took good care of her, loved her and made her feel loved. Silently, he thanked Michael Portman for taking care of their Baby Girl.

  Pulling away from him so that she could face him again, “I wanted you to know all this because,” looking for words, “do you believe in signs?”

  “I’d like to, but I think I’d need to be hit over the head pretty hard to believe it. What signs have you been getting?”

  “That little girl, the one they call, Baby Girl, I took to her before I even knew about the name. And then we learned about her name, and yes, it was a cute coincidence. Every day she comes running to me and doesn’t leave my side and she’s like a ray of sunshine. She just makes my heart sing,” Mia paused. “Well today, I took a look through her paperwork as to why she was orphaned,” again pausing, this time she took a deep breath, her bottom lip trembling again with emotion, “and Schooner, her birthday is September 11th. She was born on September 11th.”

  Silent for a moment, he stroked her hair, “You have a really big heart, Mia Silver.”

  “I feel like she is a gift from Michael, that she is supposed to be ours and a way for me to honor his memory. Does that make sense?”

  Nodding, Schooner could feel the smile rising on his face, but he was too moved for words.

  “I want to name her after him. All day today, I was thinking Portia and that we could keep Msikana as her middle name.”

  “A little girl,” Schooner was smiling, as he rocked Mia in his arms. Several minutes passed before he spoke again, “Well, tomorrow we’ll find out what adoption laws and procedures are and figure out how to get this done. How does that sound?” Being a businessman he knew this was going to take contacts and filling some people’s needs and wants to pull this off. It was not going to be easy, but it was a negotiation he knew he would win. For Mia. For Michael. And for that sweet little girl.

  “You’re ok with this? You’re ok with adopting her?” Mia looked up, searching his eyes.

  “Mia, I think it’s wonderful on so many levels. We get to make a significant difference in this little girl’s life, we give Nathaniel a sister close in age and they can grow up together, and you get to honor Michael in a really profound and meaningful way. And through this, I get to thank him for taking such good care of you when I wasn’t here.”

  Their eyes locked, then he bowed his head to softly kiss her lips.

  “You are such a good man, Schooner Moore. Such a good, good man,” smiling, her thoughts taking her back to the soulful-eyed little girl. “She just really got into my heart and then when I saw her birthday, it just felt like it was meant to be.”

  Placing his hand on her cheek and nodding, “It was meant to be, Baby Girl. Portia was meant to be our daughter.” Pulling her to his chest and kissing the top of her head, Schooner felt a thousand pounds, that he didn’t even know were there, lift.

  Tonight’s conversation was not going to break them up - it wasn’t going to test their fragility. Just the opposite. Tonight’s conversation forged their strength. He chastised himself for his lack of faith, for allowing old fears to invade this house they had built. This little girl was the catalyst in bringing about a very special moment, a moment that would strengthen everything he and Mia shared. The secrets were no longer secrets.

  One little girl, looking to be loved, held the key to finally bridging the past and the present. One little girl, who would now be a part of their future.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Holding her until she fell asleep, Schooner covered Mia and drew the sheer mosquito netting around the bed. Standing outside the drape for a moment, he watched her sleep and tried to process everything that had just happened and all that he had learned.

  Refreshing his glass with ice and scotch, Schooner stepped out onto their private verandah, letting the cool night air rush over his face. He felt flushed and keyed-up, yet drained. Sitting in one of the high-backed wicker chairs, he stretched out his long legs and hoisted his feet onto a matching ottoman.

  Silently, he sat and reviewed all she had told him. A seven year relationship with a dirt bag who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Schooner hated insecure men like that, hated guys who had to prove their manhood in sheer numbers. He had a woman like Mia and was fucking students in her bed. Only a fucking moron would do that.

  Feeling a testosterone fueled fantasy coming on, Schooner hoped that they ran into this Tom someday so he could show him how a woman like Mia, the mother of his children, should be respected and to let him know that she was with a real man now. A man who only needed one woman to be happy. A man who could make and keep one woman happy.

  Staring at the star-studded black sky, Schooner began to verbalize what had been an internal monologue, talking to the stars, as he often did.

  “Well, I knew there had been someone and I knew she loved you. And yeah, I was jealous. But realistically, I certainly didn’t expect or want her to live her life without love. I knew the first time I saw that picture of the two of you together, that she loved you. She looked so happy. Really happy. And at peace, if that makes sense. So thank you for taking care of her and making her happy. And thank you for making her believe she’s as wonderful as we both know she is. It sounds like she had some really rough times, really lost her way there for a while before she met you.” Taking a sip of his scotch, he collected his thoughts.

  “When she started to talk about you tonight, my heart was in my throat. You’re the other guy she loved and she was so despondent all day, I just really didn’t know where she was going with it. I had no clue. I didn’t know if you had come back into the picture or what. I never in a million years expected to hear what she told me.” Shaking his head and slowly exhaling a lungful of air, “I can’t even imagine how horrible that was. For you, for her, for your family. I remember watching it and falling to pieces. But you and Mia, you were living it. That was your freaking goodbye. That was the end. That is how you said goodbye to one another. Holy shit,” he wiped a tear away with the back of his hand and took a healthy slug from his glass, “I don’t even know how to process what the two of you went through that day. I can’t imagine the hell you endured being trapped in there. How do you come to terms with that in the timeframe you had?” Schooner sat silently staring at the stars.

  “I’m glad she was there with you at the end and that you got to be together in those last minutes. I am just devastated for you both and it hurts knowing that she’s been carrying this pain around inside of her this whole time. I’m glad she finally told me. You shouldn’t be an off-limits topic for us. You won’t be an off-limits topic for us. I promise you that. She should be able to honor
you as much and as often as she needs and wants. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life taking care of her, just the way you would have. She’ll know that she is loved and cherished every single day. I will take care of that for the two of us. You can count on it. Mia will always know that she’s our Baby Girl.”

  Standing, he raised his glass to the night sky as if in a toast, “To you, Michael. Thank you for entrusting me with our daughter.”

  Chapter Forty

  “What time is it?” Mia was startled and slightly disoriented. “Aren’t we supposed to meet the Castillo’s for breakfast?” Her eyes were still swollen from crying the night before.

  Schooner reached for her and pulled her to his chest, “No, I cancelled. I’m having breakfast brought to the room,” he kissed the top of her head and tightened his arms around her. “You know you can tell me anything, Mia. There is nothing that is ever going to make me stop loving you. I hope you know that,” he tipped up her chin, so that he could look into her eyes.

  “I think I didn’t tell you about Michael because we were so new last year and then we got caught up in the L9/NYC opening. In the back of my mind, it was a conversation I thought we’d have right after the opening. 9/11 was the following week, it was your first 9/11 living in New York and when it came around, I was in the hospital barely conscious, so we never talked about it. 9/11 had passed before I was even aware of what day it was. The rest of that stuff isn’t good stuff for me, Schooner,” her eyes reflected pain.

  Smoothing down her hair, “I know that, Baby Girl, but those experiences are what make you so incredibly strong and wonderful. I can’t even express to you how proud I am of you for seeking help and working on getting healthy. I know that had to have been both painful and difficult. And I have to be honest, for me, it makes our time apart feel even more distressing, because you know how I am about wanting to fix things.”

  She nodded, her eyes ready to spill tears.

  “That takes guts, Mia, something you are not short of,” his eyes crinkled with his smile. “I don’t know if you realize how much I admire you and your strength. You make me stronger.”