by Summers, MJ
Claire gripped him with her legs and arms as firmly as she could, willing every single cell of her body to show him how much she loved him. She held his face in her hands and kissed him, showing him she was sorry for all of her harsh words and her anger. Claire could feel the fervour in his body, how much he wanted her and needed her. She knew that they would always be connected even if they never saw each other again. She had finally known real love, the unconditional kind, and although she would have to leave, she would leave knowing what that felt like and to never settle for less.
They made love like this long into the night until finally they both gave in to their bodies' need for release, clinging to each other as they came. Tears streamed down Claire's cheeks as Cole collapsed onto her. He could feel his eyes welling up as he heard her try to stifle a sob.
He moved off of her and lay beside her, pulling her into his chest to cradle her body in his as she cried. Silent tears rolled down his face as he held her. He didn't know what to say - it would be meaningless to say it would be alright, because it wasn't going to be.
Finally after a few long minutes, he spoke in a low voice, "Claire, I'm always going to love you. Always. I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry for everything."
"I am too, Cole," she said in a whisper, "I wish I could have been stronger and had handled this whole thing differently."
"You wish you could have been stronger?" he asked with disbelief. "Claire, between the two of us you are the strong one. I was a coward not to tell you what I was doing and I never would have been strong enough to leave you, even for my son's sake. You made the choice we both knew needed to happen and you did it selflessly for my little boy and I. You're the most incredible woman I've ever known and it makes me wish I could keep you here forever."
They both struggled to stay awake for as long as possible, knowing that sleep would bring the morning in an instant. They kissed and caressed each other for hours, making love again. Sometime around four in the morning they could fight sleep no longer and drifted off, bodies intertwined.
Less than two hours later, Claire's alarm went off. She shut it off, with a feeling of doom. It took all of her strength to slip out of Cole's arms and get out of bed. As she crossed the floor, she turned back to watch him sleep for a brief moment. Her perfect cowboy would soon be nothing more than a memory. She stepped quietly into the en suite to shower.
A horrible emptiness crept over her as she dried off and slid on her jeans and a white long sleeved t-shirt. When she walked out of the bathroom with her make up bag, Cole was no longer in bed. She could hear him downstairs making coffee.
Reaching the kitchen, her heart broke at the sight of him. He was dressed in jeans and a grey t-shirt. He looked up at her, his expression grim. Claire's face twisted as she tried to fight back her tears. She blinked quickly, looking up at the ceiling. 'Come on Claire, keep it together' she told herself.
Cole walked over and wrapped her in his arms, pressing his lips to her forehead. "You sure you want to do this?"
"Every fibre of my being is begging me not to, but I have to," Claire said, resting her head on his chest and pressing her hands to his abdomen.
"I don't think I can let you go, Claire," he said squeezing her tighter, "Even if you leave, I won't be able to stop loving you."
Claire nodded her agreement, unable to speak.
"Can I at least drive you to the airport? I don't want to miss a minute with you."
"No, I can't handle a terminal full of people seeing me saying good-bye to you. As it is I'm feeling bad for the unlucky cab driver that will be here in a few minutes."
They stood holding each other until Claire's cell phone rang to notify her that the cab had arrived.
"Let me take your stuff out. You have a coffee."
"I'll grab one at the airport. I need to get some fresh air."
The pair silently loaded themselves up with as much of Claire's things as they could, heading out of the cabin together. It was still dark outside and the air was cold enough to see their breath. The world seemed completely still and devoid of life, the only sound was their feet crunching in the snow. Cole went back to the cabin for the rest of the luggage while Claire helped the driver arrange things. Once Cole was back with the second load and everything was packed in the cab, the driver got in and shut his door, giving them some privacy to say good-bye.
Claire stood beside the backdoor to the cab. "Well, this is it then," she said, wishing she could think of something better to say.
"I guess so," he pulled her to him, holding her close. "Claire, I..." his voice trailed off as he felt a lump in his throat again.
"I know," she whispered, "Me too, Cowboy." With that she gave him one final kiss and stepped quietly into the cab. She was grateful that it was still dark out so the cab driver might not see what a complete wreck she was.
Cole stood in the cold air, with the first signs of light appearing in the sky. He watched as the cab disappeared around the bend in the road, taking her out of his life forever. He turned and noticed a light on in Gabriela's cabin, then walked slowly over to go get Tomas. He needed to see his little smile right now to remind him why this awful pain was worth going through.
Chapter 7
London – Present Day
Ted arrived at their townhouse thirty minutes after Janet had texted him. He had been teaching music at a secondary school nearby. He had just wrapped up his last lesson for the day when the text arrived.
He saw Claire sitting on their front step, now wrapped in a blanket over her clothes, singing softly to herself what sounded like Maroon 5. Her eyes were closed and she was swaying back and forth, "In the daylight, I'll be all alone, but tonight I'm gonna hold you so close..."
"I had no idea you could sing, Claire. Those aren't the words but, you have the tune anyway," Ted said, smiling at her.
Ted was tall and wiry with long blonde hair pulled back in a low pony tail. He had on a dark grey wool coat with a purple, black and white striped scarf tucked in and black dress slacks.
"Teddy!!!! Theodore!!!" Claire screamed, "My favourite broooothhherrr!! Come here you," she slurred, pointing at him with her last bottle of beer, causing some of the liquid to spill on her shoes.
Ted climbed the steps two at a time and gave Claire a big hug as she teetered on the top step, "Well, this is a surprise, Claire. How are you?"
"Teeerific. Never better!" she said as he unlocked the door and pushed it open.
Claire slung her purse over her shoulder, picked up the nearest box and carried it into the house. "Oh shit - I forgot... Surprise! I'm here!" she giggled.
"Why don't you go sit down, I'll bring your things in for you."
"Sure, my balance is a bit off - I haven't got my land legs yet."
"I thought that was only from a long time at sea."
"Right. Then it must be because I am hammered," she was talking in a loud voice and over-pronouncing each word as she flopped onto the couch.
She sat humming to herself as Ted brought all of her luggage and boxes and placed them down in the front hall. He quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to Janet, "Claire is her and is wasted. From the amount of luggage, it looks like she's planning on staying."
By the time Janet got home, Claire had managed to drink a good portion of her gift to Ted. She got up when she saw her big sister come through the front door and stumbled over to her.
"Janet!!! Surprise!!!" She then turned back to Ted, "I remembered to say it that time," she said in a stage whisper, winking at him and giggling to herself as though she was a genius.
Ted and Janet exchanged stunned glances. Janet had only seen Claire this drunk once in her life, during her senior prom. She had managed to down a ridiculous amount of rum and coke before she got to the dance and partied hard for about thirty minutes before spending the next twelve hours vomiting.
After giving Claire a long hug, Janet walked over to the kitchen and retrieved a cleaning bucket from under the sink,
bringing it into the living room.
Claire watched her and shook her head and her finger at her, "Oh no. You think I'm going to puke, but I'm not. I'm fine, sista! Just a little 'welcome to my new life' party I'm having. You two are invited...." her voice trailed off as she stumbled over to the kitchen in search of two more glasses. Janet and Ted followed her.
"Claire, honey, what's going on?" Janet asked finally.
"Nothing, I just can't remember where you keep the ice. I wanna make you a nice drinkaroo for celebating...brating... celebrating.... the freezer! Same as in America!" she said, tapping her head and nodding.
"...Oh! you meant why I am in England! I had to get away from Gabriela. Did you know Cole has a son? Weird right?" she said, opening random drawers.
"He has a son named Gabriela?" Ted asked.
"No, silly. That's his ex. Do you have a lemon zester? I want to make you a Cuban - mmmmmmmm, Cubans..." she said, walking over to the liquor cabinet and rooting around for some peach schnapps and gin.
"...So you want to know why I'm here and I'm gonna go ahead and Dr. Phil it for you..." she paused, trying to remember what she was looking for.
Ted gave Janet a confused look, "Dr. Phil it?"
"She's gonna tell it like it is," Janet said quietly to him.
Claire looked up at them, "I'm gonna make you supper tonight. Something delishish...delisus - shit - something yummy. It's the least I can do since you are letting me stay here for a while."
Claire paused, "Thanks for that by the way," she said winking at them and making guns out of her fingers and thumbs and pointing at them. "Now, I was going to tell you something. Why I'm here...I flew here to get away from Mr. Perfect and his adorable baby and his sexy Brazilian ex-lover."
Claire took on a horrible imitation of a Brazilian accent, "Meu amor, here iz your baby. Doesn't he look just like you? And my body iz exactly as amazing as before. I can resume my career as a swimsuit model, escept I don't need to work cuz I'm really reech."
Ted and Janet stood staring at her with their mouths gaping.
"You prolly think I'm bitter, but I'm not. Lemons are bitter though and I need one for our drinks..."
"Ummm, Lemons are actually sour..." Ted started, holding up one finger to Claire.
Janet put his hand down, "Nope. No point, babe."
Claire rambled on, not noticing them. "I can't believe it's taking me so long to make these Cubans. Ridiculous. How are you guys doing? I haven't even asked you yet. Rude Claire, just rude."
"Fine. We're doing fine," Janet said, nodding her head.
"Good. Good. You know what? Fuck it. Let's just go out and I'll buy you dinner. Quite honestly, I don't think I should operate the stove right now."
Claire closed her eyes and pointed one finger up in the air, "I'm just gonna say one more thing about Cole and then I won't ever mention him again, okay?"
With that she turned her head and vomited in the sink.
* * *
The next afternoon Claire woke up in the spare bedroom laying on the top of the bed, rather than in it. She was still wearing the clothes she dressed in almost two days earlier, except now they reeked of vomit, booze and body odour. The smell caused her to gag as she sat up. She had spent most of the night in the bathroom, either with her head in the toilet or laying with her face pressed against the cold tile. Now she felt like someone had driven an axe into her skull and her abdominal muscles quivered as she stood up. Her throat burned and her mouth tasted like something had died in it.
"Fucking hell," she mumbled as she opened the door to the hallway allowing the light to come in. She looked ahead to the embarrassment she would feel as soon as she stopped feeling so ill. It wasn't going to be pretty. She wandered down to the kitchen, where she found Ted and Janet having a late lunch.
"She lives!" Ted said, grinning at her.
Claire gave him a deadpan look, "Barely," she croaked.
"Mimosa? A little hair of the dog might do the trick," he said.
Claire gagged and turned back down the hallway, "Shower. Must shower."
Chapter 8
Over the following week, Claire spent most of the day sleeping. She would come out of her room in the late afternoon to cook for Janet and Ted. She drank glasses of wine back to back and barely ate more than a few bites at each meal. At night, she would lay awake crying or staring into space, restlessly.
Janet hadn't brought up Cole, waiting for Claire to be ready to talk. She watched her sister with concern; by the time Janet arrived home each evening, she found her sister already three sheets to the wind. She could see Claire spiralling down at a furious pace, almost as if she was wishing to self-destruct.
On Friday night, Ted had a gig. He left earlier to get set up, allowing Janet and Claire to have some time alone for the first time since she got to London. Claire had been feigning enthusiasm about getting out for the evening, but it was obvious that her heart wasn't in it. As the two got ready in Janet's large bathroom, Janet decided to approach the subject that was so clearly being avoided.
"So Claire, when do you think you'll be ready to talk about what happened?"
Claire looked down at her makeup bag, rooting around for her mascara, "Never."
"Okay. I want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk. I'm worried about you, sweetie. I've never seen you drink like this and you don't eat. Ted said you haven't gotten up before two in the afternoon all week and you somehow manage to be drunk by the time I get home."
"It's fine. I just can't sleep at night right now. I think it's the time difference. I'll get it together though," Claire still hadn't looked at Janet, who was staring at her.
"You know you don't have to handle this all on your own. Ted and I are both here for you. We love you so much and you know you can always talk to either of us. It might help to get it off your chest."
Claire's shoulders drooped suddenly as she dropped her eyelash curler on the counter, tears pouring down her cheeks. She sobbed into her hands as Janet wrapped her arms around her, letting her cry into her neck. After a few minutes, Janet led her over to a love seat in her bedroom. She helped Claire sit down, still holding her as she cried. Claire let tears of humiliation and anger pour out of her as she started talking, spilling the entire horrible story. Janet listened without saying much.
"Shit. Now I've made us miss Ted's gig," Claire said, blowing her nose.
"They have another gig tomorrow," Janet said with a shrug.
Claire nodded, "Thank you. I needed that."
"I know. I'm so sorry you've had such shit luck with men, Claire. Seriously, this is just fucking awful."
"I know, right? It's just so shitty. We were perfect together and now I don't know what it will take to get over him. I don't know how to do this," Claire sighed heavily.
"I don't know either, sweetie. I wish I knew what to tell you."
"You know something weird? I met this French guy on the plane over here who said to give myself two weeks to get over him and then to seek every pleasure life has to offer. Lots of sex with lots of people, food, booze, dancing, whatever."
Janet considered the notion, "Maybe he's right. Hanging around here won't help. Whatever you do, you need to start eating more and drinking less."
"I will. I just don't have an appetite these days."
"Well for tonight, why don't I make a huge bowl of buttery popcorn and we could snuggle up and watch a movie."
Claire nodded, "Sounds good."
* * *
Colorado
It was mid-afternoon as Cole sat in his office waiting for the day to be over. He stared out at the window, watching the snow fall in swirls, wondering where Claire was at that moment and what she was doing. His chest felt the crushing weight of his anguish every time he thought of her. He had never in his life felt this type of pain before; it was nothing like when Gabriela had gone back to Brazil. That time he was hurt but also a part of him took comfort in the fact that they weren't really right for each other. Other t
han in bed, they had little in common. This time, there wasn't even a hint of relief for Cole, knowing that Claire was out of his life for good. He felt somewhat less worried that he would lose Tomas, but other than that, he felt an overwhelming sense of grief.