Melody of Us

by A. L. Wood

  But this tour isn’t allowing for any free time, not since my record dropped and it’s hit the charts. Now everyone wants me everywhere all the time.

  If I’m not playing before an audience I’m promoting said album on television, radio shows, appearances. It’s been non-stop and I just keep thinking that once this all dies down I’ll be taking a month long vacation where I’ll spend every waking hour with Lyrik to remind her how much she means to me.

  I’ll spend the time convincing her that she and I are it for life.

  Lyrik

  Getting my tickets was easy, I said my name and they had my ticket. The Times Union Center is packed and he’s the headliner. Everyone is here to see him.

  They want to hear his voice singing his songs. A voice that once I was the only audience member too. My ticket says that I’m in the front row off to the side. I find my seat quickly, toss my coat over the back of the seat and sit down. I made it in time to hear the opening band’s last song. There isn’t anyone else coming on stage until Anson.

  Right now, people remove instruments, wind up chords and place new equipment on the stage. It’s loud in here as everyone is talking, you can hear the excited chants of Anson’s name over and over again. Women my age are all around me, dressed without leaving much to the imagination.

  Four girls sit next to me, all friends I take it because I overhear them discussing Anson and how much they want him. One claims she saw him at his last show and managed to get a backstage pass where she ended up staying the night with him. Her friend laughs and mentions how she already got a pass and a special invite for later, that he gave her his room number at a hotel around the corner.

  He has time to stay the night in a hotel, he could’ve stayed with me. My stomach churns.

  An announcer comes out introducing Anson to the stage.

  Girls jump up, roaring with excitement.

  The girls next to me join in the celebration as Anson swaggers on to the stage dressed in a pair of jeans and a shirt that I recognize as one he’s had for years.

  I slept in that shirt once, I smile to myself.

  I don’t think he knows where my seat is and as he makes his way to a stool, I see him looking through the audience, specifically the front rows. I bow my head, not wanting him to spot me yet. I’d be uncomfortable if he decided to pluck me from the audience or if he called me out when surrounded by Anson lovers. It wouldn’t be an enjoyable time. I want to watch him perform as if I were a stranger with no connection to him.

  I want to close my eyes as he strums away at his guitar and feel his words.

  He doesn’t seem to spot me, for that I’m happy. He sits on his stool, yells out that he’s happy to be in Albany and gets into the first song.

  It’s a song about long distance love, one I’ve adored for years. I remember him writing it.

  The girl next to me sighs then begins to sing along. Nearing the end of the song, she reaches behind and under her shirt. I watch her.

  What is she doing?

  Ahhhh…She slides her bra straps off her shoulders and pulls her bra out then does something I did not expect.

  She throws it to the stage and miraculously it lands right at his feet. He sings the last notes then bends over to pick it up in his hands.

  His bare fucking hands.

  I expect him to throw it to the side of the stage or back the way it came, at least.

  Nope.

  Instead he holds it up for all to see with a grin on his face then asks the audience who threw it up there because he wants to meet them.

  I’m disgusted, this isn’t the Anson that I know.

  He’s not perfect and of course he’s a sexual person. Hell, he’s a sexual icon according to magazines, but he’s never been derogatory in any way or encouraged shit like this. He’s flirting with a stranger. Someone he doesn’t even know, while thinking I’m here.

  Not for long.

  I don’t want to be around to see what he says or does next, I hightail it out of the venue, find my car and begin the drive home while trying not to think about what I just saw.

  My heart, having been shattered twice already, breaks for the last time.

  Anson

  Two hours after the show ended and she never showed.

  Why would she say she’d come and not ever show up?

  I’m done.

  We’ve been sacrificing us, even if unbeknownst to her that we have, and she doesn’t even try.

  Over two years of this long distance thing and the one time I take a leap hoping she’d come to a show, I personally invite her and she has the audacity to accept but never show up.

  I could understand it if I missed seeing her during my performance, it gets crazy in there and people push and shove. It’s why I gave my best show ever, just hoping she was out there as a witness.

  But when the meet and greet comes to an end and she still isn’t here it tells me all I need to know.

  She doesn’t care.

  She’s done and has moved on. I should’ve known with how her replies to my emails are few and far between.

  So, that’s it. I won’t bend over backwards begging her for an ounce of her time. I hate for us to end it this way, but unless she can come up with a damn good reason for not showing up after saying she would, then this is it.

  December 10th 2013

  Lyrik

  Dear Anson,

  I’m so sorry. I fully intended to show up. I think I ate something bad, my stomach is not feeling great and I’d hate to be there sick. Or chance getting you sick, you have a busy schedule and all. Maybe we can get together soon or I can go to another show. Sound good?

  Miss you,

  Lyrik

  I’m hurt and angry, but I’ll still always love him, just not be in love with him. Not anymore. I can’t continue falling for a person that doesn’t want me. So, I’ll settle for his friendship regardless of our distance apart. I click send on the email, hopefully convincing him that I meant to be there. I can’t confess that I was there and how what I saw had hurt me.

  July 4th 2014

  Age: Twenty-Two

  Anson

  Lyrik,

  I’ll be home tomorrow. Don’t make dinner plans. I want you to meet Alyssa.

  Talk soon,

  Anson

  Alyssa and I have only been together for three months, it feels like a lot longer than that though. I’m bringing her home to meet the parents and Lyrik as well as showing her the house I bought. This will be my first time staying the night in it. After I purchased the house I had it furnished while I was away by a local interior decorator.

  Of course, it’s to the specifications that Lyrik would like, not that it matters now. It’ll just be odd wandering around a home I had made for us only now it would be Alyssa. We’re taking things slow, but she seems like a keeper. I know I’m only twenty-two but I spent the majority of my life thinking I’d already found my soulmate.

  I was so wrong.

  Lyrik wasn’t it for me.

  She didn’t love me, if she had she would’ve fought alongside me for us.

  That’s all changed now though.

  She and I barely speak, I don’t think our friendship will ever be the same. I’ve loved her and at one time I knew she loved me, even without her saying it. Well, not after that first time.

  Alyssa knocks me out of my thoughts, “Babe?”

  “Yeah?” I click send before looking up at her.

  “It’s time to board, six hour flight then hopefully the car will be waiting for us to take us to your house. You didn’t forget to schedule the car service, right?”

  “I didn’t. The car will be there,” I reply.

  Lyrik

  Anson,

  Where and what time? I’ll be there.

  See you soon,

  Lyrik

  I purposely try to sound distant and cold-hearted. Especially now. Since he got himself a girlfriend that’s not me. I should say no to dinner, but I miss him so damn m
uch that I’m willing to put my heart in a blender for an hour while watching Alyssa and him bat love filled eyes at each other.

  So much has changed between us, not that I tried to change it either. We both just let us fall apart. I don’t want to attempt picking any of the pieces of us up now. He’s happy.

  I’ve seen the pictures.

  What we had, it was never like that for him. He’s never looked at me the way he looks at her. At first I felt sorry for myself because I had believed we shared that kind of love and that I could act on it when the time was right. Whenever he gave me that signal I would’ve pounced on it, but he’s moved on.

  Anson

  Lyrik,

  We’re in town now. Be there in forty-five, meet at the Diner?

  Anson

  Anxiety claws its way into my body, I don’t want dinner to be an awkward affair, but it’s sure to be. Alyssa knows who Lyrik is, she isn’t aware that I was ever in love with her though and if Lyrik still feels that way for me she’ll see right through it.

  Lyrik’s love is hard to shy away from, she’ll try with all of her might to hide her feelings but her eyes are easy to read. For me anyway. Love is the one emotion she’d never been able to hide, even when I called her out for lying about loving me.

  I knew she was telling the truth all those years ago, but I wasn’t ready for it, I had a plan in motion. I knew we’d spend our lives together since the day I first met her when she was five. That brown hair and those brown eyes were my weakness instantly. That’s why I wrote her those letters, why I told her she had to move, looking back it was silly.

  Most of what we said or did was, but I knew then what I know now, she’d be the death of me if I let her be. She was my only weakness.

  You could take my parents away, steal my music, break my fingers so I couldn’t play the guitar ever again, silence my words but never could you ever take Lyrik away. It would kill me.

  Now, I guess it’s still the same. I don’t go a day without thinking about her. She’ll always be the easy way to get to me, the best way to hurt me would always be through her but now she isn’t my death.

  She’s my life.

  Not because of love, but because of her and who she is.

  At the end of the day she’ll always be my best friend.

  No matter how far away in distance and in heart.

  Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to send me her words anymore, all of my words will always be for her.

  I just won’t be with her in that way.

  “We’re here.” Alyssa informs me.

  She exits the car and I follow behind her, I see Lyrik’s car in the parking lot so I direct Alyssa inside knowing that Lyrik probably got the table in the back corner already. The table with the best views to observe people and to see every dish leaving the kitchen so you can decide what to eat by view.

  Lyrik

  I can’t see him again. Dinner was too much. I should be stronger, I’ve been through more crippling pain in my short life than most have ever known and I came out on top, scarred, bruised and battered, but on top all the same.

  Tonight, is the first night I almost fell.

  I sat at our table in the back, the one we’ve always chosen. He walks in holding hands with her. The one he wants to be with. She was polite and had kind eyes, she looked at Anson as if he were her everything. She’d fallen head over heels in love with him in such a short amount of time.

  I wasn’t one to believe in a love like that, first sight or within a few months of dating. It wasn’t realistic in my eyes. You have to spend time with someone to truly know them, they hadn’t had time like that since they’ve been together.

  I know, gossip columns are full of just that, gossip. Magazines make exaggerations to sell copies, but I always believe there’s three sides to a story, theirs, yours and the truth. So, while something may seem dramatic, there’s always a hint of the truth that started the drama. So I know they’ve only been together for a short time but they’re moving fast. He claims they’re taking things slowly in the public with media but he wouldn’t be here, bringing her home to meet me or his parents if he didn’t love her back.

  After placing our orders, I gulp my water down, keeping my mouth full and busy while she blabs on and on. She tells me about the fashion industry and what she does, while Anson looks on with his arm wrapped around her shoulder.

  I make eye contact with him twice before deciding I can’t look him in the eyes any longer.

  He loves her.

  Is in love with her.

  He looks at me as I’m a friend or sister.

  None of that life-long familiarity warms me, instead he’s warming her with all of him.

  I force myself to smile at Alyssa as our food comes and while we eat, she doesn’t deserve my hostility. She hasn’t done anything wrong, she just fell in love. I can’t blame her. Anson is just…he’s him. He’s honest, courageous, kind, gorgeous, and once mine.

  I eat quickly, ordering simple buttered pasta. As soon as our plates are empty the waitress asks us if we’d like dessert, I answer first, “No thanks.”

  I can’t stay for dessert. I can feel my face heat, embarrassed that I let him go, that I still feel this way for him. I can’t sit here and pretend that all of my feelings just washed away.

  That he doesn’t affect every part of me.

  Reality is he will always affect me as long as I’m around him.

  If I want to not hurt anymore I can’t be around him.

  As long as he’s with someone else, I will always hurt.

  The check comes, Anson pays for it.

  I let him.

  They both walk me to my car.

  “Will you come over to the house tomorrow for lunch? Anson and I don’t have anything to do until tomorrow evening, dinner with the parents. Maybe you can give me some tips?”

  I’m off tomorrow and I do want to help her…I can’t. “Sorry, I’ve got to work tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see you both around while you’re in town. Have a nice dinner with the parents,” I say to both Anson and Alyssa.

  She pulls me in for a hug, I just go with it. No need to embarrass her. When she lets go I hold my hand out to Anson for a handshake. Hugs aren’t needed.

  I can’t touch–

  He hugs me, hard. He holds me there, in place. I wrap my arms around his back, holding him for the last time. When he lets go I get in my car and don’t look back.

  March 30th 2015

  Age: Twenty-Four

  Anson

  “What time does the next flight leave to Albany International?” I ask the lady at the counter of Southwest Airlines. I fell asleep around four in the afternoon having been awake since the day before, then woke up this morning with a strong need for Lyrik. I remember dreaming about her and the last time I saw her. How forlorn she was, lost and desolate all because of me.

  Because I gave us up.

  I know that now.

  I was so set on blaming her for the falling out of our friendship, that I was blinded by the fault I played in all of it. I moved on and didn’t look back. I didn’t think of how she would feel, of how my moving on would affect us as a whole.

  She won’t talk to me and now eight months after seeing her I have some time off. One day to be exact. It took all day to get that one fucking day.

  Alyssa and I broke up in December, we weren’t meant to be. I believe she loved me, but I couldn’t give her any of that back. She wasn’t who I wanted and it took me starting a relationship with someone else to see that.

  It took me hurting Lyrik bad enough so that she won’t reply to any of my phone calls or emails to see how big of a mistake I made.

  “The next flight leaves in two hours and we have three seats left,” the lady replies.

  “I’ll take one.”

  She cashes me, only seven more hours until I’m home with Lyrik to begin repairing this. I won’t reach her until late this evening, she might even be sleeping, but I still have a key. After all
these years, I’ve still held onto it.

  Lyrik

  “Lyrik?” Someone whispers from beside me on my bed.

  I shoot up out of the bed ready to hurt whomever decided to break in.

  “Relax, it’s just me,” I hear Anson say.

  “What are you doing here?” I shout.

  I haven’t heard from him in months. I hadn’t replied to him after last year, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to have Anson in my life.

  I could go through anything difficult, I’d be okay but losing Anson time after time? I can’t. I know when to walk away.

  It was time.

  “I needed you.”

  “You can’t just show up whenever you need someone Anson,” I say into the darkness, “We’re not friends anymore.” I admit.

  “Don’t say that,” he says with a break in his voice.

  “It’s true. You left, moved on. I get making your career your number one priority and I never would’ve asked you to, but leaving and not coming home or keeping in contact with me yet getting a girlfriend doesn’t fly with me Anson.”

  “You’ve always been my number one priority, nothing else. No one else.”

  “That’s a lie,” I reply. Maybe before I was, but he left me completely.

  “No, it’s not.” He grabs my hands and pulls me to him.

  I pull my hands away. “Yes, it is.”

  “You’re always on my fucking mind, I can’t get you out of my head. I tried so hard Lyk. I really did. I can’t quit you. I can’t leave you for good.”

  “But you did.”

  “I know!” He yells. “I know I did and I wish I could take it back, if I could I would. I gave up on us, Lyk. But you did too. You stopped replying, you didn’t show up to my show…”

  “I did too!” I cut him off. “I left. I couldn’t stay, some woman threw her bra onto the stage and you loved it. You loved the idea that those women wanted you. I couldn’t stand there and watch it all unfold. It wasn’t the Anson I knew.”