Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  Touching her soft skin, and hearing her sweet little moans, ignites something in my soul. When I’m with her I see my future, my everything. I started saving every extra penny I have to hopefully get my own place, once I’m in college, and get her out of there. She’s a beautiful, intelligent girl who needs the freedom to spread her wings and soar.

  Thirty minutes later, I’m quietly climbing through her bedroom window. There’s a soft glow in her room from a small desktop lamp on a desk, in the far corner of her room. She leaves it on every night so I can see enough and not trip over anything and cause a disturbance in her room in the early evening.

  I used to wait until well after everyone was asleep before risking coming in her room, but as time has gone on, we’ve been taking a greater chance of getting caught with me coming here before everyone is asleep.

  Riley is snuggled in her bed, covers to her chin, looking at me with the biggest smile on her face. I know I make her just as happy as she makes me. My only hope is that I will have the chance to keep that smile on her face for the rest of her life.

  Once I’m fully in the room, I walk over and stand in front of the bed, looking down at her. I grab my shirt behind my neck and pull it forward over my head.

  She lifts the covers, allowing me to slide in next to her. “Hi.”

  We are both lying on our sides, facing one another. There is no contact between our bodies, but I know there will be. Every night gets a little more heated, and while I love touching this girl, I love to listen to her talk more, about anything and everything.

  I tuck a stray strain of hair behind her ear. “Hi.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t have to babysit tonight. I was starting to plan my descent out the window so I could sneak into your house. I missed you coming to visit,” she says, her smile still wide.

  “Getting impatient to see me, huh?” My hand reaches up on its own, wrapping my pinky around hers.

  “Of course, I missed you. Seeing you is always my most favorite part of the day. Besides, there’s not much more for me to look forward to,” she answers in all seriousness.

  I can’t help but laugh at her underhanded comment. She doesn’t even realize she made one. “Gee, thanks. So seeing me ranks at the top of having nothing else to do. I feel special, Ri Bug.”

  “No, no, that’s not what I meant. I get very excited to see you and it would be the same even if I had plenty to do. You would still be my favorite part.” Her words are rushed.

  She’s afraid she has offended me, I can tell by the panic lacing her voice, but it’s quite the opposite. I know how she really feels for me, and I understand how being stuck in this house all the time is total bullshit.

  “I know. I feel the same about you. You’re my favorite part of the day, too.” My words bring that beautiful smile back to her lips.

  Her hand brushes across my jaw. “How was training tonight?”

  “Long.”

  “I wish I could come see you guys at the gym one night, but I know he’ll never let me.” Her voice ends in a whisper.

  I study her, as she watches her hand travel down the length of my neck to rest on my chest. Her touch sears my skin, igniting emotions I’m not sure I’m ready for, but know I’ll never deny. I place my hand over hers, moving it to rest over my left pec: the drum of my heart palpable even through the thickness of her hand. “We have plenty of time.”

  “I feel like I’ll never break free.”

  Gently placing my index finger under her chin, I lift her face slightly until her eyes are focused on mine. “I will do everything I can to get you out of here, but you have one more year of school.”

  She nods. I hate her nonverbal answers. They give away her sadness. I pull her to me, offering the only comfort I’m capable of providing at this point. I want to give her more than this, and if I could figure out a way, we would run away tonight. Her happiness is all I think about.

  “JT?” My name a question on her lips. “Make me smile.”

  This has become our thing, when life gets too heavy, Riley always pushes herself to focus on the good. Another thing I admire about her.

  “Shit, Ri, I’m shirtless in your bed. What more could you need to put a smile on your face?” I feign shock.

  She scoots back, pressing against my chest and laughs. “You are so full of yourself.”

  Chuckling I add, “Damn right I am. Have you looked at me lately?”

  “I missed you like crazy.” Her eyes now bright.

  It’s just us in this room now. Not the dark cloud of a life that follows her around. I don’t ever want this light in her eyes to dim, but I know it won’t last. Not yet, but one day it will. I promise her and myself that I will spend every day bringing light into her life.

  Concentrating on that light and her adorable, quiet, whisper laugh, I move my hands quickly, reaching out to tickle the spot on her inner thighs I know makes her crazy.

  Her cheeks bulge as she tries to hold in the laugh I’m causing with my circulating fingers. I wrestle to keep my hands on her thighs, her body flailing around as if she’s on fire. Maybe she is, just not the type of fire that consists of flames. The burn I feel in the pit of my stomach for this girl is more than I can explain. I’ve been with other girls but I’ve never felt like this.

  “Mercy,” Riley screeches, still jerking in response to my torment.

  When our bodies settle, I take in our position. Her body is somehow now pinned under mine. A smile still stretching wide on her face. Allowing my eyes to roam over every inch of her beauty, I map out her features in my mind. Every ounce of soft slightly freckled skin, blonde hair, and the most beautifully green eyes I’ve ever seen. The color of her eyes almost mimics mine, but is more vibrant and inviting. Her eyes draw me in until I can’t form a coherent thought.

  “JT, we have to be quiet,” she whispers.

  “I know.” I do. I know how quiet we need to be. If he finds out I’m here, this is over, and it’s the only time I get with my girl.

  “JT?” My name sounds like an uncertain question.

  I’m still lost in her beauty. “Yeah?”

  She seems uncomfortable under my appraisal. “What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Is my staring at you really that uncomfortable?” I ask, trying to make light of the fact I just lost my heart. Maybe it’s because I missed her badly when we were apart, and now seeing her here—under me—vulnerable to every move I could make, has shaken something in me. I knew I loved her, but this feeling is different. It’s almost as if she leaped inside my chest, wrapping herself around my heart, hugging it until the point of pain; maybe pleasure. I’m not sure, but I do know it will never beat right again if she ever let's go.

  “A little. I’ve never seen you look at me like this before. I don’t know what’s wrong.” Her eyes are looking everywhere but at me.

  Placing my hands on the sides of her face, I turn her to look at me, slowly caressing her soft cheeks with my thumbs. I smile down at her before lowering my lips, placing a soft tender kiss on hers, then pull away. “Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right. Being here with you is right.”

  “Yeah?” she whispers, hope now present in her voice. Her head raises from the pillow, lips searching to touch mine. This moment means something. This moment is a first.

  I let her continue, not budging as she closes the gap between us. When her lips take mine, I know this is all too real and she feels it too. Never has she ever initiated a kiss. It’s always been me, and while I enjoy being the one to lead the way, knowing her comfort level with me is rising also feels good.

  Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me down until my weight is pressing her into the bed. Placing my forehead to hers, I take a few deep breaths. “Tell me about your childhood, Ri, before this, before your mother met Dave.”

  “There’s not much to tell. Mom’s been with Dave for years now. I guess I was around ten when they met and before then it was a new man every week,” she w
hispers.

  Rolling onto my side, I pull her to me. “Has he always been this controlling?”

  “No. The older I get the worse things seem. I swear, he doesn’t trust me to do anything. I’m not sure what he thinks I’ll do. I stay to myself at school. I try my best to get good grades. He told me once that he was protecting me from turning into my mom.” Riley pulls away, staring up at the ceiling, after rolling onto her back.

  I reach up, slowly tracing her features with the tip of my finger. “And what does that mean?”

  Turning her face toward me, she responds, “I guess he doesn’t want me sleeping with every man I meet.”

  “But you’ve never slept with anyone, why would he think that of you?” I ask.

  She rolls back onto her side, her body flush to mine. “I don’t know. I could never sleep around. There’s only one person I want to touch me in that way.”

  I lean forward, brushing my lips against hers. “Oh yeah? I’d like to meet the lucky bastard.”

  I can feel her smile under my lips. “Stop. You know it’s you. Who else would it be?”

  “I wish things were different.”

  Riley’s hand searches for mine, wrapping around it, bringing it to our chest. That was always her boldest move, holding my hand, until tonight. “I know things aren’t perfect. Trying to be with me is hard. I know, but this is my life, at least for one more year. It’s easier to just go along with his rules instead of fighting them. It would only get worse. Let’s just make the best of the time we do get. I feel fortunate that we get our nights together.”

  I bring her hand to my lips, kissing her soft skin. “I love our time together, too. I just want things to be different when we finally make the decision to be together in that way.” Rolling her onto her back, I place my hands on the backs of her thighs, spreading her legs and wrapping them behind my back. “I want to take you places, make life special for you. I want to love you in more than just a physical way.”

  “I thought you did,” she says.

  “Did what?”

  “Love me.” Her hand reaches up and settles over my heart. “In here. I know you’ve never said it but I always thought I could feel it.”

  My eyes search hers in the faint light of the room. Time almost standing still. Our time of freedom feels so far away, but at the same time, the minutes of our night together tick by so quickly I’m afraid to blink. If only she knew what I felt. If only there was a way to show her. Maybe I already have. Leaning down I take her lips with mine, parting them slowly. When our tongues meet, I pour every ounce of my full heart into this kiss.

  Our lips glide over one another’s with ease, tongues sweeping, tangling with such gentleness but determination. I feel this kiss in my toes. It would be easy to take this further.

  I pull away, needing to breathe. My hands still rest against her naked thighs. “You’re not wearing pants.”

  “You’re just now noticing,” she laughs.

  “No. I’m just now having a hard time thinking of anything else. Your skin is the softest thing I’ve ever felt.” My hands travel up and down her outer thighs, reveling in the feel of her tenderness.

  Boldly, she reaches between us. I lift my weight to give her hands room, uncertain of their destination. Before my mind can process what she’s doing, her overly large T-shirt is gone. Swallowing the lump in my throat seems almost impossible.

  My eyes slowly roam over her almost bare body. The only fabric covering her now is her small, delicate pair of panties. Her breasts on display, full and begging to be touched. Except I’m frozen in place, unable to formulate my next move.

  Swallowing thickly again, I ask, “What are you doing, Ri Bug?”

  “I want you to feel my softness.” Her voice shakes as she speaks and I can hear how nervous she is.

  She’s asking me to touch her, only I can’t. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop. “I don’t think this is a good idea. Please put your shirt back on.”

  “You never wear a shirt and I love the feel of your skin. Please, I want to know what it feels like for you to run your fingers over my body. We don’t have to do any more than that. I don’t think I’m ready for more than that.” Riley runs her hands up and down my chest, her eyes watching their movements. “What if this ends? What if Dave finds out, or you get tired of climbing through a stupid girl’s window?”

  “I could never get tired…”

  Riley cuts me off. “I look at you, JT. You and Mase are the type of boys all the girls want to be with. You could have your pick and all of them would be easier to be with than me.”

  I roll off of her, lying on my side, propped up on my elbow. “I don’t want other girls.”

  She won’t look at me. “You say that now, but you’ll be leaving for college. Then what? You’ll travel back and forth at night to climb through my window. How will that work?”

  “I don’t have all the answers, but we’ll figure it out,” I say, unsure of the future myself.

  Riley’s eyes meet mine, as she takes my hand in hers. “Touch me. I want memories of this with you. I want your hands to be the first that I decide to let touch me. Please.”

  Her soft voice, pleading for my touch reaches deep into my soul. She needs me and I can’t deny that. I want to give her everything. I love her. Is that such a wrong circumstance to become intimate with someone? I’ve focused all of my energy on wanting more with her, but I’m missing out on the time we do have together. We need to be us.

  I have to tell her though. I want her to know that these hands feel more than just the need to get off on her body. My heart is pounding in my chest. I’ve never been this nervous in my life, but this is Riley. I’ve always felt different around her.

  I rest my hand on the side of her neck, pulling her lips to mine. Our kiss is soft and full of tenderness. Leaning my forehead to hers, my nose drags across hers, and I place her hand over the pounding drum of my heart. “ I do love you, Ri Bug. You do things to my heart no other girl can. It’s only you.”

  Her lips crash back onto mine, tongues tangling in a dance with no routine. It sloppy and messy, but she giggles and this kiss turns into the best one yet. I feel her smile under my lips and I could bask in her happiness. This is how she should always feel.

  Riley flops back on the bed; a look on her face that I will seal into my memory forever. This memory will be called the moment. Right now this moment means everything. It defines us and our future. It will lead us to every place we’ll ever want to go. It will lead us there together.

  “You’re my forever, Ri,” I confess.

  “I hope so. I can make it through this last year stuck in this house if I know you’re waiting for me at the other end,” she confirms.

  Rolling her back until my body hovers over hers, I do as she asked. My fingers lightly trail from her neck, down her chest and back up again, to circle each one of her perky breasts. Her chest rises and falls with staggered breaths. I trace my touch with my eyes, and when my fingers reach the curve of her hip, she shivers under my touch.

  “JT.”

  I hear my name but I don’t answer, unable to form words, I continue on my exploration of her soft skin. When my fingers ascend this time, I trace around her hardened nipples, wanting to taste them under my tongue, but I don’t want to rush this. Every second, every minute, I want to savor. I want to savor the feel of her skin under my touch for the first time. I want to savor the sound of her wimpers with every trace of my fingers. I want to absorb it all.

  There’s friction in the air. A tension building, maybe it can be described as anticipation. It’s hard to think with the hard pumping of my blood through my veins: pounding, drumming, thumping through every part of my body.

  “Kiss me,” she whispers, “everywhere.”

  I spend the rest of our night together doing just that. There’s not an inch of exposed skin my lips don’t greet. By the time I need to slip out of the window and return home, I’ve decided that the next time I crawl back into
her room I’ll be memorizing the most intimate areas of her hot little body.

  Ten

  Riley~present day

  “Pass me the bottle. I need a refill.” I laugh.

  Rea picks up the bottle of cheap wine I brought over, handing it to me as she speaks, “I’m glad you came over tonight. I needed some R and R.”

  I want to say no more than I needed it, but that can’t possibly be true. My best friend is watching her husband die; my problems seem less severe as I sit here with her.

  “So we’ve laughed and now we have a good buzz. Tell me what’s going on, Ri. Do you have some new man in your life you’re not telling me about, or should I say men?” Rea chuckles, thinking she’s making a joke.

  Most days I would laugh right along with her, telling her how amazing sex with strangers is. I used to poke fun at her displeasure with my freeness of my body. The truth is, I’ve always hated myself for whoring around town. My perception of how to get a man has always been fucked. Thanks Mom and Dave.

  Sitting here with her now, knowing that she had a past that she was afraid of, just like me. I want her to know me, too.

  I quit all the giggling we were up to a minute ago and look at her seriously. I watch the shift in her demeanor. She looks afraid of what I might say.

  “What’s going on?” Rea asks.

  We are both lying back in our lounge chairs on Rea’s deck, heads turned so we are facing one another. I don’t move. “I haven’t slept around in months.”

  Yup, she’s up now. Rea swings her feet around fast enough for me to question if maybe she is supernatural, and there is more to her life than just being able to lure in good men.

  “Months! You haven’t slept with anyone in months.” It’s a statement, but said in the form of a question.

  She’s in shock. I get it. Most days, I can’t even recognize myself anymore. “No, I said I haven’t slept around in months. Six, to be exact. There’s a man I’m seeing.”