Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “It was fine, but I’m gonna get going. Will I see you at Mase’s?” I look at her and wait for her response.

  She’s still focused on her phone.

  “Riley?”

  “One second.” She looks up, and then back down.

  I try to be patient. I can see whatever she is dealing with on her phone has her frazzled, but I’m not even sure why I agreed to stay here with them in the first place. I should really just get going, but I feel rude walking away without a proper goodbye. My mother used to drill manners into us, and even on my worst days when I hated the world, I still found myself saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ instead of ‘go fuck yourself.’ Sometimes things are rooted so deeply in us that we couldn’t cut the roots even if we tried.

  Riley stands, placing her phone down, and crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry. Work is never-ending today, and Nate needs me to finish up too many things before the day is over.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna head out. Are you stopping by Mase’s tonight?”

  Worry lines crease her face. “I would like to, but like I said shit is crazy today. I swear I never have this much work to do.”

  “If you have a lot to take care of, there’s no need for you to come help Mase. He’s doing good, and I’ll be there.” Reaching out I place a hand on her shoulder, trying to ease her worry.

  She nods her head, agreeing, but something about her demeanor has changed drastically since she first came up to me on the trail.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, her behavior causing discomfort in the pit of my stomach.

  Tears brim in her eyes. “I don’t know. I had a close friend pass away last week, and things just seem so fucked up since then. I’m trying to be strong for Ki, but I’m just drained.”

  “I saw you at Mase’s last week. You never mentioned anything.”

  “I know. I just didn’t want to bother the both of you with my problems. Things are going well for Mase and it’s not like either of you knew him.” She wipes her nose with the back of her hand.

  What kind of person thinks they have to hide if they lost someone close to them? I know we haven’t given her that impression, especially not Mase. He accepted her back into his life, no questions asked.

  Her tears are tugging at my heart. I hate to see her cry. I never did like it, even when I found myself wishing heartbreak on her, if I would have witnessed it, it would have broken me.

  I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her. “I’m sorry about your friend.”

  It’s strange how normal this feels now after seeing her so often. A year ago, I never would have thought this was possible. She’s quickly worked her way back into my life. It’s actually freeing to not feel hateful toward her like I used to. Hate is consuming, but it’s one of the easiest things to hold onto and one of the hardest things to let go.

  She pushes against my chest and wipes her face. “Gah, I’m being silly. We’re in the middle of a park.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t get to pick and choose when to grieve the loss of someone close to us. It’s okay to be upset.” I tuck my hands in my front pockets, fighting the urge to reach out and comfort her again.

  “No, I can’t do this here. I have to hold myself together.” She frantically gathers her things and calls for her daughter. “Thanks, Jon. Look, I’m sorry. I have to go and you’re right. I’m gonna take a break from Mase’s tonight. I’ll see you soon though, okay?”

  I don’t understand her mood swings. It’s not the first time I’ve seen her go from seeming fine to completely panicked. I’m at a loss of what to say or do, so I just stand here and watch them walk away, more confused than I have felt in a long time.

  Twenty-two

  Riley~present day

  It’s never been easy for me to process my feelings. As stupid as that sounds, but when I was younger, my feelings were always shut down. First by my mother and then by Dave. My mom just never cared, and Dave told me how I was supposed to feel, always shutting down every emotion that stirred to life inside of me.

  I still mix things up and confuse them in a way that troubles my mind. The only real feelings I can be confident about are the ones I have for my daughter. My love as a mother is true and pure. I hope Kiley can feel that, because if she ever thought of me like I’ve thought of my mother, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. She deserves everything this world has to offer, and I want her to know her worth, unlike I did.

  Add in Jon to all of that fucked-up mess, and my mind is completely twisted into a chaotic mess. My heart still flutters with passion, while my stomach twists in guilt over all the trouble I caused. Being with him is exciting and thrilling in a way I can’t describe. When he put his arms around me in comfort, I snapped.

  Do I deserve that kind of a sentiment from him? Hardly. Here he was though, in true Jon fashion, holding me in a park while I cried over so much more than the loss of a close friend.

  I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m angry at Nate. He’s piled work on me so deep; I’ll never dig my way out. It’s a form of punishment, even though he would never admit it. And here I am, silently trudging through it all as a way to show my appreciation for everything he has done for Kiley and me. I also need my job.

  I grab the small bag of groceries from my car and head up to Mase’s condo. I can’t stay long since I’m just on my lunch break, but I need something else to focus on, and taking care of Mase makes me feel good.

  I don’t deserve him after the way I cut him out of my life, but he understood and welcomed me with open arms. He’s the only person who knows every detail about what happened with his dad, and I’m thankful to get all of it out in the open with him. He was shocked but also knew I wasn’t lying, which I think was always my fear. What if he wouldn’t have believed me? Dave was his father and always took care of him. His relationship was completely different than the one I had with him as his stepdaughter.

  I felt shame while explaining all that happened, but when I finished with tears rolling down my face, afraid of how he viewed me, he wrapped his arms around me and apologized. He apologized to me, after everything I did, and explained that I was just a kid, lost in a world his father used to manipulate me. As much as I know he used me, I still can’t use it as an excuse for how I treated Jon.

  “Hey, I’m here. I’ve got some groceries for you.” I sit the bag on the counter and start to put things away.

  “Thanks, Ri. What are you doing here in the middle of the day?” Mase says from the doorway.

  “Just figured I’d bring them over on my lunch break.”

  He chuckles. “Ever think of taking a break on your lunch break?”

  “Not today.” I put the milk in the fridge and turn to look at him. “I just needed to focus on something else for a bit.”

  “And that something is bringing me groceries I didn’t really need. Not that I don’t appreciate them.”

  I squeeze past him and take a seat on the couch. “I guess so.”

  He sits next to me, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “What’s going on, Ri?”

  I just shrug my shoulders, unsure of where to begin.

  “Jon said you had a close friend pass away. Why didn’t you mention it?”

  “I don’t know. I guess because Kiley had enjoyed coming over here to hang out with you and so do I. It’s nice to come over and be disconnected to that part of our lives. He was like a father to her and always there for me, even if I could make him crazy. I liked not being asked about how I’m doing or how my daughter is doing.” I pick at my nails, trying to focus on something else, other than the empty pit of sadness losing Dalton has left behind.

  “You know, I’m not just here for the good stuff. I’m here for the bad stuff too. Even if you just want to tell me and not hear my opinion.”

  Mase reaches out to grab my hand. It’s both comforting and sad at the same time. I could have had him in my life all along.

  “Is there more
? You don’t usually come by at this time of day.” His hand squeezes mine, reassuring me.

  I release a pent-up breath that has been strangling me for days. “Everything seems to be a problem. Nate being the worst of it. I compared him to Dave. Can you believe it? He’s been so kind to me. He loves me and I compare him to Dave. Then, Jon fucking hugs me at the park the other day, and I can’t stop thinking about everything we had in the past.”

  Mase smiles at me. Not just a there you go, let it all out smile but an I was right kind of smile.

  “What? Did you hear anything I said?” I ask, confused as to how he can be smiling right now.

  “Yup, I heard.”

  “Well, what the hell, Mase? You’re smiling about all of this.”

  He turns toward me. “Look, I don’t know what to say about Nate. I’ve never hung out with the guy. I think you need to figure out what brought that feeling on, because you don’t just feel like that for no reason. My smile, that was my reaction to what you said about Jon.”

  I look at him confused. “Why does that make you smile? Maybe you should hear the whole story first.”

  “Okay, shoot.”

  I guess there’s really not that much to tell. I just remember the frustration Nate caused by sending back work I did throughout the day, telling me I had to fix numerous things. He’s been treating me differently since I didn’t invite him to the funeral. It was worse, actually. I refused him coming along with us. As wrong as it sounds, looking back at it now, I just didn’t want him there. Reagan hadn’t met him yet, and I wanted to be available for her without some stranger hanging on my arm.

  While dealing with his critical comments, I looked up to watch Jon pushing my daughter on the swing, and they were both smiling. That moment etched itself into my memories, and not because of the happiness Kiley felt at that moment, but because of the joy it brought me seeing them together.

  Once I remembered the future I always pictured with him was trashed a long time ago, my heart sank. I went from feeling low, to feeling elated, to feeling lower than I had all day. I was all over the place that day and still dealing with the pain of losing Dalton. I broke, right in front of Jon. The one person, who for some reason, keeps seeing me at my worst.

  “So?” Mase interrupts my thoughts.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know where to start, or how to explain it, but I was in a bad place, which always seems to happen in front of him and he comforted me,” I explain simply. It’s the best I can do at the moment.

  “Want to know what he told me about that day?”

  Feeling uncertain about what Jon might have said, my curiosity gets the best of me. “Yes.”

  Mase smiles brightly again. “Well, first he was interested in knowing why Kiley calls me Uncle Mase. I didn’t explain a thing. I think you need to talk to him about that, not me, because he seems relieved by it. He also said how worried he is for you, and that he has a feeling that the way he has perceived everything all this time has been wrong.”

  He’s questioning everything, just like I have my entire adult life. Have I perceived anything correctly? I don’t even trust myself anymore.

  “I wish he would let me explain how things were for me back then. Every time I try, he shuts me down.” I walk to the kitchen, suddenly in need of a glass of water.

  “I’ll talk to him. I think he should hear your side too. Trust me, you both have different stories of what happened back then.” He’s behind me, following me as I move around his condo.

  “You would do that for me? I don’t know why I feel so compelled to explain everything to him, but I do.”

  “I’d do anything for you, Ri. That’s never changed.” Mase walks over and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “I think you do know why you feel compelled to tell him. It’s just a matter of accepting what’s in your heart.”

  I mull over his words, digging deep into myself and trying to understand why I need Jon to understand me, and why I did what I did. When I finally allow myself to feel the truth behind it, my heart shatters a little more as a soft wail bubbles from my chest.

  Mase squeezes me tighter as I cry against his chest. “It’s okay to love him. The love between the two of you has never been wrong. It’s been perfect. Reach out and grab it, Riley. He deserves that kind of love and so do you.”

  ****

  I return to Mase’s that evening, Kiley in tow. I hear his voice as soon as I enter and the words Mase said to me earlier blare in my head. We’ve grown more comfortable around each other recently, but now I’m feeling edgy. Swallowing my nerves, I follow the sound of their voices and find both Mase and Jon cooking in the kitchen.

  Kiley squeezes past me. “Uncle Mase and Mr. Jon!”

  Mase hugs my daughter like they’ve known each other forever, and it makes my heart smile. Jon is her next victim, and I can’t help but laugh at the shock on his face. Kiley can be a little much at times, but I think lately she’s just excited to have more people to call family in her life.

  She told me after the park that she could tell she would be best friends with Jon, just like Uncle Mase was. I’m glad that Mase has made her comfortable in such a short time. They’ve missed out on too many years of knowing one another, but the idea of her becoming attached to Jon scares me. Our friendship is delicate at best, and I don’t want Kiley to get hurt if something changes between us.

  Over the years, I’ve had men in and out of my life, or bed I should say, but I never introduced them to Ki because I know she deserves consistency and balance. Unfortunately, I haven’t had that in my life with a man until Nate.

  “How about we finish that game we started the other day?” Mase asks Kiley.

  “Is it still set up?” she asks, beaming from ear to ear.

  “You bet. I was winning. Of course I couldn’t put it away.” Mase follows behind her as she skips to the dining room.

  I walk over to Jon at the stove as he stirs something in a pot. “I’m sorry about her. She’s just excited to have an uncle now, and it seems she thinks you’re a package deal as his best friend.”

  “She was telling me something like that other day at the park. Hand me that beef stock, please.”

  I hand him what he needs. “What are you making? It smells good.”

  “Beef stew, my mom’s recipe.”

  “How is your family? I bet your brother is almost grown now.”

  Sadness seeps into his expression. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t talked to them in a long time.”

  “What?” I’m shocked by this. His family was close from what he used to tell me, and he loved them more than anything.

  He looks at me briefly before returning his attention to his stew. He doesn’t say anything else about it and I decide to leave it alone. “Can I help with anything?”

  “Nah, I got this. Grab yourself some wine and go relax. It’ll be done in a while.”

  I do as I’m told, not wanting to upset him further. About an hour later, we are seated at the table, Kiley leading all conversations while we entertain her and devour our meals.

  We finish and I clean up the table before starting on the dishes.

  “Thank you for dinner. It really was delicious.” I take the plate from Jon’s hand and wave him away from helping.

  He leans against the counter near the sink. “I was hoping we could maybe go for a walk, just the two of us. Would you be okay leaving Kiley here with Mase for a bit?”

  I’m caught off guard by his request and my nerves pick up again, fluttering in that nauseating way that causes your stomach to clench. I’m hoping we can finally get things out in the open.

  “Of course, as long as Mase doesn’t mind.”

  “I talked to him before you guys came over and he was fine with it.” He hands me a towel for my hands.

  “Okay.”

  ****

  It’s still fairly warm outside, even though the sun has set. We walk side by side on the trail that wraps around Mase’s complex. It’s quiet except for th
e sound of chirping crickets. Jon’s hands are tucked in his front pockets, and I can tell he’s thinking over what he wants to say. I give him the time he needs, even though I’m dying to hear his words. Nothing about us is easy.

  Jon points in front of us. Following his lead, I take a seat next to him on the bench. I sit watching him as he stares ahead into the trees that line the parking lot.

  He takes a deep breath, releases it, and finally turns to face me. I’m on the edge of my seat, my heart beating rapidly with curiosity and what seems a lot like fear. His eyes bounce back and forth between mine, as if they are looking for an answer to his unasked questions. I want to scream at him to just spit it out already, but I can tell this is hard for him. I can’t push and make things worse.

  “Ri, I…fuck. This isn’t easy for me.” His eyes leave mine and fall to his lap.

  “I know what you mean. It’s not easy on me either. I have words upon words floating through my head that all want to explode out of my mouth at the same time. It’s overwhelming.” I turn away from him and we both stare into the night.

  “I want to forgive you.”

  I’ve wanted to hear those words for a long time. “You do?”

  He closes his eyes tight, looking like he’s in pain. “I want to, but I don’t know if it’s possible.”

  “Oh.” My heart sinks a little further into the hole it’s resided in all of these years.

  “It’s engrained in me to hate you.” His sardonic laugh echoes amongst the insects. “It’s also engrained in me to love you.”

  My breath catches in my throat, caught off guard by his words.

  “And I hate myself for it. All this time, and a couple random moments spent together, and you got my mind racing with all these feelings I didn’t think I was capable of anymore.” He jumps from his seat, frustration radiating from every part of him. “I really thought I could come back here and not think of you. I was doing pretty fucking good at it too. Then Mase got hurt and we’ve had to spend a lot of time together. Time I never wanted with you, but little glimpses of the old Riley sneak out and they gut me.”