by Diana Currie
They both laughed at my expense, just like old times, and I chided them for leaving my living room a mess. The clutter really was starting to make me antsy.
“So why did you guys crash here anyway?” I asked, picking up soda cans and empty food wrappers from the coffee table. Shane shuffled in to help me and started folding a blanket that was draped across the sofa.
“It started raining and your place was closer than the dorms,” Shane answered.
“Well, we have that third bedroom upstairs if you guys ever need it. We should put a futon up there or something,” I suggested.
Butterflies invaded my stomach at the thought of Shane sleeping in the next room. I was suddenly incredibly thankful the house we rented had three bedrooms. I‘d chosen one of the two smaller rooms upstairs and Rachel had the master on the first floor. I didn’t mind being in a smaller bedroom since there was more privacy upstairs and a second bathroom. In the few short weeks we’d lived here I’d already noticed that Rachel spent as much time studying boys than she did any other subject. I couldn’t blame her, really. She was tall and lean and beautiful. Everywhere we went guys were coming up to her and she welcomed the attention so I was thankful to have a place to hide when she had male company over. Rachel was really enjoying college life.
“How’s this?” Shane asked. He’d folded three blankets neatly and stacked the pillows on top.
“Very impressive,” I said unable to hide my relief that the room was clean again.
“I’m sorry we aggravated your OCD,” he joked. I couldn’t think of a comeback so I just grinned at him like an idiot.
“Hanny, I’m gonna take off,” Ethan said walking into the room. “I’ve got a ton of stuff to do before practice.”
Ethan had made the freshman football team. It didn’t come with a scholarship like Penn State but after changing his mind about schools so late in the game he was lucky to have been chosen to play. He took football very seriously and expected us to always be in the stands supporting the Blue Hens.
“Okay, thanks for the donuts,” I said.
He gave me a hug and walked towards the front door. To my dismay Shane followed him. He must have sensed my displeasure because he said, “I’m going to walk back with Ethan. You wanna come hang out later? You can meet my roommate.”
“The tool? Sure,” I said as casually as I could manage; but inside I was thrilled by his invitation.
“Cool. I live in Chestnut, 3B. Around four o’clock?” he asked.
I nodded and smiled. And then they were gone. As soon as the front door slammed shut Rachel emerged from her room.
“You just missed the guys,” I informed her.
“Ugh, I know,” she replied. Rachel looked exhausted. She usually wouldn’t even lounge around the house without full makeup on, not that she needed it. Rachel was a natural beauty.
“I didn’t get much sleep. I found Ethan and Shane after you left and we hung out there for a while. Then we went to that diner that’s open twenty four hours and ordered breakfast. It suddenly started raining so they wanted to come back here. They acted like they would melt if they had to walk back without umbrellas.”
“So why would diner food and lack of umbrellas make you hide from them this morning?” I asked.
She flopped down on the sofa causing the pillows in Shane’s neat pile to crash back onto the floor. I let it slide and went over to sit on the edge of the coffee table so I could face my friend.
“I made out with Ethan last night after we got back here,” she confessed.
“Oh,” was my only thought. It’s not like they hadn’t done that in high school a time or two.
“I really wanted to start fresh here, Hannah. I like Ethan, but I just wanted to be able to have fun and meet lots of new people. Now that he’s at UD I feel like its Pittsgrove High all over again.”
“I know what you mean,” I muttered. I was having the same problem freeing myself of my own past. Except my problem was the opposite of hers: the high school crush that was still crushing on her. If only I had Rachel’s problems!
“How did you wind up making out with him?” I asked honestly curious.
“We were soaking wet after walking home in the rain and he asked to borrow a towel. He took his shirt off and followed me into my room. I just feel so comfortable with him, and he got really ripped over the summer!”
“Where was Shane during all this? He didn’t need a towel?” I asked. I was mostly worried there was a damp towel stashed somewhere in this room that needed finding. Musty smelling towels are the worst.
“No,” she said casually. “I think he just stripped down to his boxers and fell asleep on the couch.”
Oh my. I really, really missed out.
“Rachel, you just need to be honest with Ethan. If you don’t want to date then you need to tell him, otherwise you’ll end up stringing him along all year,” I warned.
“I know. You’re right. I’ll talk to him,” she sighed.
“Good. They left us breakfast and coffee in the kitchen. Are you going to be okay? I need to get cleaned up and hit the library,” I said.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replied and gave me a small smile.
I was relieved because I needed to make myself look as good as possible and then get some studying done. I was going to Shane’s dorm today! I went back upstairs to make my bed and pick out clothes for the day. I was what you might call a casual dresser. Without Ally around to help me buy clothes I was afraid my wardrobe might get even blander. I seriously missed Ally. I knew she was probably miserable at high school this year. Her brother graduated, all her friends, and her boyfriend too. I sent her a text message to ask her if she’d take me shopping over Thanksgiving break. That ought to cheer her up.
I smiled to myself thinking back to the fun times we had in Pittsgrove. I didn’t really miss the town. There were too many pine trees and mosquitoes for my taste, but I missed the people. I wondered how Mark was doing at his parent’s auto garage and how Andrea was getting on in New York City. I hoped my father wasn’t lonely without me. I felt bad that he only got to live with me for the four years I spent in high school, and now I had left him again. I knew it was hard on him all the time I’d lived down in Baltimore with my mom. They divorced when I was four and he spent the next ten years living alone; until my mom started a new job with long hours and I decided to move to Pittsgrove.
I thought about the parties Ally used to throw and sneaking off to spend alone time with Shane. It occurred to me that now that we were away at school there was no one to interrupt our quiet time together. No parents or sister barging in. No friends coming upstairs to see where I'd wandered off. I became even more excited about our plans to hang out later. Maybe I didn’t need to distance myself from him after all. Perhaps this change of location was enough to shake up the dynamic of our relationship and start building towards something more? As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I hadn’t given up on the idea of Shane and me being together. He had told me a while ago that I was his best friend. I just needed him to want to take that friendship to the next level. Perhaps now that we were in college he’d start looking at me differently.
I chose the brightest colored top I owned, a red thermal v-neck, and some skinny jeans. I took my time in the shower, making sure I lathered and rinsed thoroughly. I shaved all the important places. I brushed my teeth again and plucked my eyebrows. I may not be a fashionista but I enjoyed grooming as much as the next girl. I figured it didn’t matter what panties I chose but you never know so I picked lacy pink ones that had a matching bra. I added a silver cross necklace and some small hoop earrings. Once I was dressed I grabbed my books and purse and made my way over to the library.
I found it easier to read my assignments in the school library rather than at home. Rachel had a knack for interrupting me, and I also felt much more studious there. I tore through the first book and was busy writing my answers to the follow up questions when someone sat in the chair across from me.
I looked up and smiled politely. It was a boy who looked somewhat familiar. I might have a class with him but it had only been a week so I couldn’t be sure. I turned back to my work which clearly wasn’t the response he was hoping to get.
“Hi, I’m Aiden,” he said enthusiastically. He had a wide bright smile that simply lit up his face and short brown hair with dark eyes. He was tall and looked like he came from Italian roots. He looked young, barely eighteen I’d say.
“Hannah,” I replied.
“I think we have Public Speaking together. Wednesday/Friday mornings?” he said.
“Yeah, I think you’re right. I hate that class.”
He smirked. “So does everyone else. If you ever want to practice a speech for class I could help you. I don’t mind it. Speaking in public, I mean.”
“I can see that,” I said. I should have been more polite. He was perfectly friendly, but unfortunately like I said, my heart beat for only one man and his name was Shane Decker.
“Well, I don’t want to disturb you,” he said looking a little crushed.
It occurred to me that maybe this kid just wanted to make a friend and wasn’t coming on to me. I didn’t want to turn away any new friends, especially someone I’d be seeing twice a week for the next four months. I wanted to make up for my ill-mannered comment so when he got up to walk away I stopped him by saying the only thing that came to mind, “Wait, Aiden... so, what’s your major?”
CHAPTER 2: A NEW PERSPECTIVE
When I left the library around 3 o'clock it appeared I'd made friends with Aiden DeLuca. My first friend at the University of Delaware outside my high school gang. It felt good, like I was growing.
I stopped at the food court on my way to the dorms and picked up some Subway sandwiches to take to Shane's dorm room. I didn't know if he'd had lunch but I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I'd never seen Shane turn down food before so I figured it wouldn't go to waste.
I climbed the stairs to the third floor, no elevator, and stopped in front of a door with a dry erase board attached. The words “Shane and Dante's room” were scribbled in what I recognized as Shane's handwriting. Someone else with comparably worse handwriting had written “Suck me, Dante” underneath. I knocked twice.
Shane opened the door and greeted me with a wide grin. He stepped aside to let me enter and I got my first look at a real college dorm. I mean a real, male, college dorm. There were two single beds, one against either side wall. Two particle board desks obviously supplied by the college were next to each bed and centered under the only window in the room. I could immediately tell Shane's side of the room was on the left by the door. He had a small dresser made from the same faux wood material as the desk and had a few pictures and toiletries on top. Dante's side of the room was more cluttered, and he had the closet. Or what I could only imagine was supposed to be a closet.
“That's, um, interesting,” I said pointing to the wobbly structure. I giggled and stepped closer to inspect the cardboard boxes stacked in two mismatched columns well over six feet high.
“Yeah, I kind of feel like he's building a nest,” Shane replied chuckling.
The boxes were cut and duct-taped together to form shelves and the largest one even had an untwisted wire hanger poking through the cardboard at each end to hang clothes from. The cardboard box flaps serves as doors to the makeshift closet.
“Impressive,” I said smiling. “Is he an engineering major?”
“Yeah, right. He’s graphic design.” Shane snatched the Subway bag from my hands and peeked inside.
“I thought you might be hungry so I picked up some subs,” I said.
“Hannah, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re not in Maryland anymore?” he asked teasingly.
I rolled my eyes like I always did when this debate came up. “Fine, fine, whatever! I bought us hoagies; are you happy?”
“Yes, thank you. Which one is for me?” he asked innocently.
“Turkey, lettuce, bacon, ranch, no tomato,” I rambled off proudly.
“Yes, I love you,” he said taking his sandwich out and plopping down on his bed. He didn't seem at all surprised by his declaration. He had meant it in a best buddy kind of way, but it still made me feel warm inside. I sat at his desk and unwrapped my own sub. That’s right, in my own head I’ll always call them subs no matter how much Shane and Ethan try to change me.
“So where's the roommate?” I asked.
Shane shrugged. “Probably out somewhere pulling the wings off birds,” he joked. At least I hoped he was kidding.
He'd mentioned before that he wasn’t too fond of the guy. He explained how Dante was the stereotypical nightmare roommate every freshman dreaded. He’d get strange phone calls in the middle of the night, wore only green from head to toe, and would bring all kinds of weird people back to the room without any warning. Shane said that’s what he got for requesting a dorm assignment in mid-August.
“Even his underwear is green, Hannah,” Shane complained after taking a big bite of his sub. He got up and pulled open Dante’s top dresser drawer pointing to the kelley green boxers and rolled up lime green tube socks. I was sipping a can of soda as Shane pulled a pair of green briefs from the drawer and I spit a little out, laughing uncontrollably.
“This is serious!” Shane said with a straight face before giving way to his own laughter.
“Well, it certainly makes me thankful that I get to live in a normal house with someone I've known for years,” I conceded.
“So, you like living with Rachel? I always thought she might be kind of difficult to handle in large quantities,” he said.
“Sure, her personality is strong, but she's a really good roommate and a good friend. She just brings home a lot of guys which can be a bit awkward when I run into them unexpectedly.”
“Ethan won't be happy to hear that,” he said.
“I know,” I replied sadly. Ethan and Rachel dated on and off throughout high school and his feelings were always stronger than hers. “She isn't trying to lead him on,” I said defensively.
“But she is. She loves the attention even if she has no intention of committing to him. People should always be honest about the way they feel about someone else. Otherwise people just get hurt,” he said.
I felt like there was subtext to his rant. Could he be talking about me? Did he want me to admit my feelings for him?
“What about you? Are you always able to be honest?” I questioned, swallowing a nervous lump in my throat.
“I try to be. Like with the girls I dated in high school. I was always upfront with them that I didn't want anything serious. It was better that way; neither of us wasted our time,” he replied.
I pondered that for a moment. “I always wondered why you never had a girlfriend,” I said softly.
He chuckled. “I suppose I could have. But I knew I'd be going away to college and didn't want to start something that would end in a painful separation. Just look at Ally and Jack; she’s so upset that he chose a college on the other side of the country.”
“Yeah, maybe. I think they have a chance though. For them it's worth the pain to try,” I countered.
“I hope so, for my sister's sake. For me it was easier to not get in too deep. Now that I'm here it's a different story.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean I’m not going to keep girls at arm’s length anymore. We’re going to meet so many new people here in class and at parties. I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend if I find someone I really like. It’s going to be a fun year,” he said flashing me a devilish grin.
I just nodded my head. This conversation was making me emotionally exhausted. I changed the subject before he could ask me again why I wasn't putting myself out there.
“I missed this,” I said. “You and me, just hanging out in your room.”
I couldn't help reveling in the smile that came over his face in response to my words. He took my hand and pulled me onto the bed next to him. I sat facing
him and pulled my legs underneath me Indian-style. He'd finished his sub in record time and tossed the wrapper into the wastepaper basket by the desk.
“Don't laugh, but over the summer I started feeling like maybe you were avoiding me,” he confessed.
“Well, maybe I was just a little. It was hard on me watching all our friends leaving for different schools one after another. First Jessa left and then Andrea and Tommy. It was going to be the worst when you left,” I admitted staring down at the comforter.
He chucked lightly and said, “At first I thought I was making a huge mistake deciding not to go to my dream school, but now that I'm here with you, and Rachel and Ethan, I think I made the right decision.”
“I’m happy that you three ended up here, even if this wasn’t your first choice. It’s nice to have friendly faces nearby,” I commented.
“Yeah. It’s like we were able to bring a small part of our old life here with us instead of diving headfirst into a completely new environment like I would have done at NYU.”
“Why did you decide not to leave?” I asked nervously. He'd avoided this subject on several previous occasions. I hoped our candid conversation would convince him to finally spill the beans.
“The truth?” he asked. He was stalling.
“You said honesty is the way to go,” I reminded him, taking the final bite of my sub.
He took a moment to gather his thoughts and said, “It’s complicated. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to tell.”
“You know you can trust me. Whenever you’re ready to talk I’ll be here,” I said not wanting to push him. This was what I loved about my friendship with Shane. I felt closer to him than any other person I knew, even Andrea or my mom, and he felt the same way about me. I was completely comfortable with him even though he sometimes said things that made me blush or start my heart racing. I didn’t know how I’d have survived if he’d really gone to live up north. I needed him in my life in any capacity I could get.