by Diana Currie
“I do want to talk; I just think Dante might come back soon. You want to take a walk?” he asked.
“Sure,” I replied smiling. “Let’s take the umbrella just in case.” I pulled my little green umbrella from my backpack and we headed downstairs. Once outside, I followed Shane as he started walking down the sidewalk that weaved through the different dormitories and led to the student Rec Center.
“The real reason I only strayed an hour from home was because of my mom,” he began; a noticeable melancholy in his voice. “In July she found out she was pregnant. It was a huge surprise to all of us. Then in early August she lost the baby. She was eleven weeks. She was completely devastated, and is still really depressed about it. See, she thought she couldn’t have children.” He looked at me to see if I was following the conversation but my face must have shown my confusion.
“Ally and I are adopted,” he stated.
I did not see that coming. I was too shocked to speak but he didn’t give me a chance to respond anyway.
“Elise and Colin tried for a long time to have a baby, but it never happened for them. So they decided to become foster parents. Ally and I were taken out of a bad home when I was 3 and she was 2. I don’t remember any of it. After many years with them, and a lot of legal garbage they were finally able to adopt us. My mom always said we were the answer to her prayers, and she never made us feel like we didn’t truly belong to them. But I guess she never stopped hoping for a biological baby, because when she lost this one last month, I thought it was going to kill her. I’ve never seen her so sad.”
Without thinking I took his hand in mine as we continued walking. “You’re very lucky, you know. You have great parents,” I said trying to think of something encouraging to say to him.
“I know, and I wanted to do what I could to help her. When I suggested putting off NYU for a year she seemed to perk up a bit. She got weepy when I talked about leaving for college even before the miscarriage.”
“So you decided to stay,” I said. “You’re a good son.”
“Yeah, well, Ally calls me every time mom has a bad day and I feel guilty even being this far away. Ally is so worried about her; I think I’ll be putting a lot of miles on my car this year.”
“Do you think you’ll start at NYU next year then?” I felt selfish asking but I had to know how long I’d have with him.
“No, I don’t want to establish myself here and then move in a year. I’ll probably apply there for graduate school,” he said.
“And how’s your dad?” I asked.
“He’s taking it better than her. They’re both 43; I think he’d given up on getting pregnant a while ago. He’s mostly concerned about how Mom’s handling the loss. We argued about my decision to go to UD. He said I was missing a big opportunity at NYU; I had a partial scholarship. We both agreed that I shouldn’t g to the community college so I suggested UD since it wasn’t too far from home and I knew you and Ethan would be here. My dad was still unsure but once he saw my mom’s reaction to my new plan, he knew he couldn’t change my mind.”
Shane let go of my hand as we made our way back towards his dorm. My body felt the loss immediately.
“The worst part for me was feeling jealous of that baby. For weeks it made me feel like I was less her child than before. I know it’s stupid. And then after it was gone, I felt so guilty,” he admitted.
He frowned and looked at the sidewalk. I had no idea Shane was carrying around so much pain. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything would be okay. Considering he had just released my hand I thought I probably shouldn’t try to touch him again, even though every cell in my body was screaming at me to do just that.
I decided to just say, “thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for listening,” he replied, a smile creeping over his face.
We walked back up to his room so I could grab my backpack. It hadn’t rained so I shoved the umbrella back inside. I needed to get home to call my dad, as I promised I’d do every Sunday night, and told Shane so.
“Tell him hello for me,” he said.
“Are you going to Ethan's first football game next weekend?” I asked.
“Like I have any choice! You know he'd never forgive any of us if we missed it,” he said grinning.
“I thought maybe you’d have to go home for the weekend,” I said cautiously.
“I’m going to head up Thursday after my last class but I’ll be back in time for his game Saturday,” he said.
“Good. Well, you'll have to sit with me and Rachel then. You can explain to us what the heck is going on down on the field,” I replied.
He laughed and said how that effort would be a lost cause. “I’ll see you before then, Hanny,” he said reassuringly. He must have been able to sense my hesitation to leave him. “We should get dinner one night this week with Rachel and Ethan.”
I nodded, quickly saying goodbye and turning to leave before my blushing face betrayed me again.
I took my time walking back to the house. It was about a twenty minute walk from Shane’s door to mine. I thought about everything he’d said to me in his room and while we were walking.
I worried about Elise. She was like my Pittsgrove mother since my actual mom still lived in Baltimore and I haven’t seen her much since moving out of her house. I tried thinking of something that would help Elise but there was really nothing I could do.
I realized now why she must have always enjoyed having all of us in the house. She’d always wanted more children and had to settle for entertaining Ally’s friends. Even in our obnoxious teenage years Elise loved having us around. I thought of Ally and wanted to call her to see how she was holding up. It must not be easy dealing with that situation every day. I promised Shane that I’d keep his confession to myself so I could only hope he would tell Ally that I knew their secret and maybe she’d call me if she needed to talk.
My mind shifted back to Shane’s dorm. I really didn’t like what he’d said about his attitude toward dating now that he was in college. I knew he’d gone out with a lot of girls in high school, and I suspected he even slept with one or two of them, but I’d never had to deal with Shane having a girlfriend before. The thought of having to hang out with him and another girl made me cringe. He was so open and nonchalant when telling me that he was looking forward to meeting lots of girls. He obviously had no idea how his words would hurt me, which meant he had no idea how I felt about him.
That wasn’t a surprise to me, and I really couldn’t blame him. I’d never tried to give him subtle hints or flirt with him in any way. I decided that we both had plenty of opportunities to do or say something along those lines and he had never done it either. I was hopelessly lost in the friend zone. And now I was downright gloomy when I arrived back at the house.
I made my way into the kitchen and saw that Rachel had taken out some chicken to thaw. I should have texted her that I ate a late lunch and wouldn’t want dinner. She shouldn’t be too angry because I was almost positive this meat was left out for me to cook and not her. I turned the radio to a good station and got started in the kitchen. Rachel came out of her room a few minutes later, pleased to see chicken cutlets and rice were on the way.
“I’m not having any, so whatever you don’t eat just wrap up for later, okay?” I told her when she came in and sat at the table.
“Why not, where have you been?” she asked.
“I studied at the library for a while and then went over to Shane’s,” I said casually.
“And what did you two do over there?” she asked suggestively.
“Nothing. Just hung out. I wanted to meet his roommate but he never showed.”
“That seems like a waste to me,” she sighed. “If you were alone in his room for so long you should have gotten in a little ‘practice’. Lord knows you need it.”
Rachel was a great friend, but she was completely oblivious to my feelings for Shane. I usually counted that as a good thing. “I’ve told yo
u many times before; I’m not going to ask Shane to make out with me just because I’ve never kissed anyone else! That’s humiliating,” I snapped.
A kiss from Shane would never be just practicing to me. And I had kissed one boy before, albeit in seventh grade during a round of truth or dare. Danny Schneider dared me to kiss him in front of our other friends and when I did he stuck his tongue in my mouth. I proceeded to wipe his slobber off my lips and ran to hide in my room. That counts, right?
“I’m just saying it might not be a bad thing to have a little experience before you get into a situation where you’ve met the man of your dreams and don’t even know which way to tilt your head,” she exclaimed. “The guys here are going to expect you to know how to kiss…among other things.”
I seriously considered undercooking these cutlets and serving Rachel her dinner with a side of Salmonella. Instead I chose to humor her and said, “Fine, Rachel. Next time you want to go out I will do my best to find someone worth practicing the art of kissing on, okay?”
She looked taken aback that I would actually agree to do such a thing. I normally wouldn’t have, until Shane told me today about his plans to chase every skirt on campus. If he was going to date then maybe I should too. I didn’t want to spend the next four years waiting for Shane. I was by no means ready to attempt getting over him, but I needed to at least try to enjoy my college experience. Maybe I’d get lucky and he’d see me with another guy and get jealous!
“Okay, excellent,” Rachel said. “Oh, we should try Sharky’s one night! They have pool tables and a dance floor. And since it’s geared towards underage students they have a bar area that sells all nonalcoholic drinks, like virgin margaritas and mudslides. It’s kind of hokey but I hear a lot of freshman go there.”
I agreed and turned my attention back to the stove. I didn’t know if I could trust Rachel’s guidance in my love life but for the first time I wanted to try. I deserved to be happy, and while my friendship with Shane was stronger than ever after today, I had to admit that it didn’t seem likely he’d be falling in love with me any time soon.
CHAPTER 3: BOYS AND BARS
My friendship with Shane was growing to new heights that first semester at UD. I found that I didn’t have to position myself in the right place at the right time in order to hang out with him anymore. In high school I used to know his schedule so well I could conveniently pass his locker after 6th period knowing he was on his way to Biology and had to stop to change his books. Or, if I rushed out of gym I could catch him in the hall and enjoy the three minute walk to his next class. Now I could just call him or he would call me, and the other was always up for hanging out or studying together.
Shane was an English major like me so we had the same course schedule. We’d study together almost every day in his dorm or at the library. When the location was his room Shane and I would plow through our course material for Modern Lit. I loved this because Shane would sit in his desk chair and read the assigned book to me out loud while I lay on his bed taking notes from his readings. His voice was like beautiful music and I never enjoyed doing homework so much in my life. It was easier for me to survive without having his strong arms and soft lips because at least I had his voice. It felt so sensual to be in Shane’s room, lying on his bed, while he read to me. I knew it was something that he only did with me.
Although I was generally happy with the way our friendship was growing I still had my good days and bad days. We talked about everything like all good friends do. Sometimes Shane would tell me about the girls he dated. Those were my bad days. He really wasn’t kidding when he said he was looking forward to meeting lots of girls. He never went into details, thank God, but I’d hear all about Brianna one day, and Tiffany the next. Each one would last a few days, maybe a week, and then she’d be gone. I liked to think he wasn’t sleeping with all these girls but I really had no idea. Shane wasn’t the kind to kiss and tell so he could have slept with one of them or he could have slept with all of them. I tried not to let it drive me crazy but sometimes my imagination got the better or me.
One day I noticed a box of condoms in his desk drawer and I’m ashamed to admit that when he left to use the restroom I peeked to see if the box had been opened. It was a twelve pack, with only nine inside. My heart sank down into my stomach and for the first time I contemplated telling him the truth about how I felt. I thought if I just blurted it out then I could get rid of the guilt I was harboring for not being honest with him about my feelings. I’ve wanted him to know for so long but always feared what the rejection would do to our friendship should he tell me he didn’t feel the same way. By the time he’d returned to his room I’d dismissed the idea entirely and pretended nothing was wrong, but I was so distraught from the condom discovery that I had to make up an excuse to leave his dorm.
*~*
After that awful day I decided it was time to take control of my life as I had planned to do when I moved away to college. I still hadn’t dated anyone seriously at UD and it was time to change that. Rachel and I had gone out every Saturday night and I had talked to a few guys; I just couldn’t find anyone who held my attention like Shane.
It was now late October and on one typical afternoon Shane and I were in his room reading Zenzele.” Are you going to Sharky’s tonight?” he asked.
“Um, yeah I think that’s where Rachel wants to go. Why?”
“Ethan mentioned it. I met this girl in the cafeteria and I wanted to ask her to hang out with us tonight if everyone was going somewhere,” he explained.
“I usually follow Rachel’s lead. So I guess that means yes,” I said trying to cover my sarcasm with a smile.
“Good. I want all of you to meet her and tell me what you think. Her name’s Randi,” he told me.
“What happened to Katie?” I asked calmly. I was clenching my teeth just a smidge.
“She had a boyfriend. Can you believe that? Why would she accept a date with me if she already had a boyfriend?” he said shaking his head.
I could have had five boyfriends and still accepted a date with Shane. I chose to word my audible response a little differently. “Maybe she didn’t like him all that much and thought you’d be a good replacement.”
“Maybe. But I called her the night after our date and that’s when she told me she had a boyfriend. Did I not pass her first date test or something?” He was quiet for a moment while I shook my head to show I didn’t know the answer to that. I couldn’t think of anything unlikable about Shane. The girl was clearly insane.
“I don’t get it; she blew me off after one date. I mean, I thought the sex was pretty great,” he said shrugging.
“On the first date?” I gasped, my eyes bulging out of my head and heat flushing into my cheeks as I thought about Shane having a one night stand.
Then he laughed out loud and said, “Just kidding, Hanny. Sheesh! I was just kidding.”
I laughed awkwardly and kicked him for teasing me. He really had me that time; I hated being so gullible. “You gotta lighten up, Hannah. We’ll have fun at Sharky’s tonight, you’ll see. And I need you to make sure Randi isn’t another psycho, okay?”
“Fine. What time are you getting there?” I asked, still a little stunned by his idea of a good laugh.
He whipped out his phone and sent a quick text message. To Randi I assumed. When it beeped he checked the message and smiled. I noticed he didn’t read it out loud.
“How about ten?” he suggested.
“That’s good. I’m gonna head home to make dinner and get ready,” I said.
“You make Rachel dinner every night?”
“Yeah, pretty much. It’s like our special roommate time,” I explained.
“I miss my mom’s cooking. Will you make me dinner one night?”
His question caught me by surprise. Shane knew I liked to cook. But what he didn’t know was that I wanted to cook for him, every night, for as long as we both shall live. He was still looking at me, giving me the sad puppy dog face, so
finally I said, “Oh fine, whatever night you want. Tell Ethan to come too. I'll play Mother Hen to all three of you.”
His sad eyes turned up into a triumphant grin. He hadn’t mentioned his mother in a while so I took the opportunity to ask. “How is your mom doing, Shane?”
“Ally says she seems a little better each day, but she still doesn’t want to talk about the baby or even leave the house. Everyone in town knows now and she doesn’t want to face them,” he answered.
“I’d love to visit her, if she’d want to see me I mean,” I said nervously.
“I think she’d like that, Hannah. She’s always thought of you like a daughter,” he said smiling.
I patted his knee as I stood up and gathered my books. “See you tonight,” I said and then I left for home to fulfill my roommate duties.
I was planning chicken Caesar salad for dinner so it wouldn't take that much time. I decided to swing by the Student Center and check out the bulletin board where student events were posted. I looked over flyers for different club meetings and checked out the job postings. I'd been looking for something that would offer me just a few hours a week to help pay for groceries and books. I didn't see anything that piqued my interest so I started walking to the exit on the other side of the building. As I passed the lounge area I spotted Aiden DeLuca sprawled out on one of the couches. He was reading a car magazine and tapping his foot like he was listening to music. I swatted his foot to get his attention which startled him and he dropped his magazine.
“Hi, Hannah,” he said nervously.
“Hey, Aiden. How's it going?” I replied. Aiden and I had become friendlier over the past two months since we met. I'd never taken him up on his offer to help me with our Public Speaking class but he'd always sit next to me and make small talk. It was nice running into him outside of class.
“Good, good. I was just waiting for my friends to get out of class,” he said as if I would think him a loser for hanging out in the lounge by himself.
“That's cool,” I replied. “I was on my way home and thought I'd say hey.”