Cupcake Love

by Diana Currie

  “And you cried because you found them?” he asked jokingly.

  “No. I just thought about how I only really started getting to know my dad when I moved here. It hasn’t been enough time.”

  “You have more time, Hanny. I promise you,” he whispered. His face was in my hair. I felt silly for breaking down in front of him. At the same time I wanted to prolong this moment because Shane was touching me. The embarrassment and puffy eyes were worth this physical contact I craved. I took a few deep breaths and tried to memorize Shane’s scent. I eventually sat up and he reluctantly released his hold on me.

  “Can you fall asleep?” he asked.

  “I think so, but I want to go into my room.”

  He smiled and nodded. “Alright. I’ll just grab one of these for the couch, okay?” he said reaching for one of the bed pillows.

  “No,” I said. He dropped the pillow back in its place. “No, I mean, don’t sleep on the couch,” I clarified.

  “Hanny, I don’t want to sleep in the sheriff’s bed. The couch is just fine.”

  “Stay in my room. Please?” I asked.

  I was afraid he would say no but I didn’t want to be alone just yet. Downstairs was too far away. I had fantasized about asking Shane into my bed a hundred times before but I never would have thought this was how it would happen. My request was innocent, nonsexual. I needed the support of my best friend to help me make it through the night.

  He nodded, seeming to understand, and kissed my forehead. Normally, that would have sent my heart racing but I was too emotionally overloaded to react. He followed me into my bedroom and jumped backwards onto my worn mattress. He playfully tossed and turned like he couldn’t get comfortable and I shot him a dirty look. I pulled back the covers and slipped between the comfortable sheets. Shane stood up to use the bathroom and came back a few minutes later wearing the t-shirt and lounge pants Ally had brought over.

  He got into my small bed and I felt his leg brush mine. I turned on my side to face away from him, leaving him enough room to sleep comfortably. He leaned over me to check my face, probably expecting more tears. He smelled like soap and toothpaste.

  “You have enough room?” I asked.

  “Just enough,” he responded as he shifted around on his back. I closed my eyes and was soon asleep. It was a restless night and I know I woke up more than once. Each time I’d forget where I was and get startled when I realized Shane was next to me. Then I’d smile to myself and rest either an arm or leg against his warm body letting the comfort of his presence put me back asleep.

  *~*

  I don’t know how long Shane had been awake but when my alarm went off in the morning he was not next to me. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I’d set the alarm for 7am and I felt drowsy. I really needed to relieve my bladder but I heard the water running in the shower. That solved the mystery of where Shane had gone. I ran my fingers through my hair and fixed the ponytail. I heard the water shut off so I hopped out of bed and padded over to my dresser to grab some fresh underwear and clothes.

  Shane startled me when he came into the room a moment later. I turned around to greet him and my jaw dropped at the sight of him. He was clad only in a towel, his messy hair still dripping wet. Shane wearing nothing but a towel was a beautiful thing. I couldn’t help staring. I wouldn’t mind mornings so much if this was what I could wake up to every day.

  “You’re awake,” he stated. I nodded, still shamelessly ogling his muscular chest. “I left my clothes in here,” he explained taking the few steps needed to reach my desk.

  He grabbed his jeans and shirt from the desk with one hand, the other carefully gripping the towel around his waist. He grinned at me bashfully and turned back towards the bathroom. Once he was behind the closed door my hands rushed to cover my face and with no clue how to process what I’d just seen, I laughed. It was the kind of involuntary response your body has when it’s either too stressed or overloaded with emotion to sort out an appropriate response. There was truly nothing funny about the perfection that is Shane’s body. I shut my eyes tight and tried to picture him in my mind, committing the details of his glorious body to memory.

  We had a quick breakfast and hurried back to the hospital. Ally was sitting with my dad when we walked into his room. A little piece of me was mad at her for getting to him before I did. To her credit, Ally hopped up from the chair when she saw me and let me have a moment with him. Shane followed his sister out of the room and winked at me before shutting the door.

  “Hey, Dad,” I said.

  “Hannah,” he replied. He sounded different, tired. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Dad. Come on. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

  “I shouldn’t have chased him behind the store. I should have assumed he was armed.”

  I shushed him and took his hand. It had been easier to do when he was unconscious. Dad and I were not big on expressing our feelings to one another. I think it had to do with my coming to live with him mid-puberty; neither of us knew how to handle that. I told him I’d stay for the surgery and visit with him after. He was concerned about my missing classes but I told him not to worry. No classes on Fridays. He seemed relieved to hear that.

  “You picked a good day of the week to get shot,” I teased.

  He chuckled lightly and then complained about pain in his shoulder. I stayed with him until it was time for the nurses to wheel him away for surgery. Shane sat with me in the waiting room while Colin operated on my father. After about an hour and a half a nurse came out to update us that all went well and I could see him in recovery in about thirty minutes. I hugged Shane and he placed another kiss on my forehead.

  Nancy Cross came to the hospital later that night to see Dad. I knew her well; Nancy and her husband Harold were good friends of my father’s. She told me that she wanted to help him recover once I went back to school. I told her I could stay until Sunday as long as Shane agreed and she assured me she’d help Lenny after that. It was a relief that she offered because until that moment I honestly hadn’t thought about anything beyond the actual surgery. Dad was released on Saturday and it was difficult getting him set up at home. I quickly learned he was not a good patient and thanked Nancy repeatedly for offering to help.

  The drive back to UD Sunday morning was a little awkward. I thought about everything that had happened in the past few days. Shane had taken very good care of me through the whole frightening ordeal. He’d acted more like a boyfriend than a friend. I thought about the multiple forehead kisses I’d received, the hugs, and the sharing of my bed. Under similar conditions I doubted Ethan would have spent the night in my bed. I felt like that had to mean something but I didn’t know what.

  Shane glanced over at me as he drove and caught me blushing. “What are you thinking about, Hanny?”

  “Everything. How good you are to me,” I answered honestly.

  He smiled and looked back to the road. “I’ve been thinking about you too,” he said. “I’m glad I was able to be here with you, Hannah. I mean that I was able to make you feel better, because you’ve done the same for me so many times. It was nice to return the favor for once.”

  “That’s why we’re best friends, right?” I asked sighing.

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he admitted.

  “Same here,” I said softly. If only he knew just how much I meant it.

  CHAPTER 7: LITTLE FRAT OF HORRORS

  The next few weeks were relatively calm. I made a point to call my father every few days to get an update on his recovery and he promised me he was on the mend. Harold had taken him fishing a few times and he was returning to work next Monday. I promised to cook him some of the fish he caught when I came home for spring break which was only two weeks away. It was late March and Sigma Phi was hosting a party (big surprise) for their new brothers the Saturday night prior to midterms. I thought it was a ridiculous time to throw a party but reluctantly agreed to attend.

  I was very impressed with
Rachel since she and Ethan started dating. She treated him well and they were cute together. She drove us to the fraternity since it was just a tad too far to walk. In addition, we were both in heels and it was cold and windy outside. Rachel looked amazing in a short red dress she bought for the occasion. I was wearing a green top that had spaghetti straps and an open back with a short flowing skirt that matched.

  We arrived at the house fashionably late and Ethan was waiting for us (Rachel) on the porch. I diverted my eyes as they kissed hello. There were people standing on the porch and on the lawn talking and drinking from red plastic cups. Was the house that crowded that people were opting to stay outside in the cold?

  “I’m glad you’re here,” Ethan said to both of us.

  “We’re excited for your first party as an official brother!” Rachel exclaimed. “Right, Hannah?” She glanced at me sternly.

  “Right,” I repeated, forcing a smile. Stupid frats.

  Ethan ushered us inside and much to my displeasure, I saw that I was right about the sheer number of people squeezed into the house. It was a serious fire code violation for sure. I decided to do the only thing that could cure my sour mood which was finding Shane. We were standing in what once served as a formal dining room but was now keg headquarters. Ethan poured Rachel and I drinks and we accepted graciously. I knew as long as I held this cup all night everyone would assume I was drinking even if I never took a sip.

  “So where’s Shane?” I asked.

  “Um, I last saw him in the living room,” Ethan responded.

  I nodded him my thanks and bid the happy couple farewell. Making my way through the narrow hall I saw lots of girls wearing minimal clothing and Marti Gras beads. Classy. There were even more people in the living room, sitting on couches and chairs, others were dancing to the music that seemed to flow through every room in the house. I had to admit there were a lot of attractive guys at this party, but so far no Shane. I exited from a different doorway and passed the bathroom and laundry room. I took a peek in the backyard from the window over the washing machine. There was a circle of people all smoking on one side of the yard and what appeared to be a major beer pong competition on the other. I hoped to God Shane wasn’t out there. I retraced my steps back to the dining room but Ethan and Rachel were gone. I checked the kitchen, but still no Shane.

  The door to the basement was open and people kept coming and going from the lower level. It was dark but I heard different music, dance music, drifting up the staircase. If my best friend wasn’t down there then the only place left to check were the bedrooms upstairs and I wasn’t ready to consider that possibility so I made my way down the dimly lit steps. Christmas lights were strung along the banister and continued across every exposed beam that ran the length of the ceiling. I knew the basement had a dirt floor because my heels were open-toed and I could feel the loose dirt invading between my toes. Yuck.

  I looked around the room and found people dancing and grinding in the center of the room. A few people were holding up the walls, plastic cups in hand. My eyes inspected the partygoers looking for a glimpse of spiky auburn hair or piercing blue eyes. Finally, I spotted Shane. What should have been my moment of intense relief quickly became my most feared nightmare. Shane was pressing a skinny sorority girl up against the wall, kissing her fervently. He was running his hands all over her body, down her arms, up her thighs. She lifted her leg off the ground and he slid his hand up under her skirt all along the back of her thigh. Her hands were clenching his ass, pulling him closer. It was like two teenagers who’d forgotten to close the door during their seven minutes in heaven. I could clearly see their tongues wrestling as they kissed.

  Even if I lived forever I would never get that vision out of my brain. But it was like slowing down to see a car wreck even if the sight was frightening. I watched the seductive and inappropriate way they were touching each other. I felt my heart crumble away into a pile of dust. I’d known Shane had dated girls in high school. I even saw him kiss them on several occasions. At the time it made me jealous of the girls for getting his attention in that way. And I’d known since college began that Shane was dating girls. I knew he’d slept with a few of them. Again it made me jealous of them, and reminded me how much I wanted him. But this public groping was another kind of pain.

  I was disgusted that Shane would act in such a way in front of strangers. I was enraged that this promiscuous slut would allow herself to be manhandled in public. Most of all, I found myself angry at her for thinking she could swoop in and steal something that I felt belonged to me. I hated myself for feeling possessive of Shane. He was not mine, and it was growing increasingly likely that he never would be. I couldn’t bear to watch him do these sensual things to some strange girl when I knew deep inside he should be doing them with me; in a much more private venue.

  I raced up the steps, tripping once and scraping my knee. I took a napkin from the kitchen counter and dabbed my eyes. I made my way back to the living room hoping to find Rachel and Ethan. They were there, chatting with some people I recognized but whose names I couldn’t recall. Rachel waved me over to them and noticed my blotchy eyes.

  “What happened to you?”

  “Oh, just got something stuck in my eye,” I lied.

  She raised her eyebrow at me in disbelief but I could tell she was at least one beer past her ability to care. She peered into my cup to see that there was liquid inside and then clinked plastic cups with me.

  “You ever find Shane?” she asked. My stomach knotted up at the mention of his name.

  “Yes, but he’s entertaining a lady friend,” I said coldly.

  “Really? Who?”

  “I don’t know. Some red headed bimbo that likes to engage in PDA,” I said.

  As soon as the words passed my lips I knew the girls’ name. It had to be that Wendy woman Shane was texting during our class, the one he had discussed with Ethan weeks earlier. Somehow it hurt even more to know this wasn’t some random girl he met tonight but someone he’d been pursuing all semester. I thought about the weekend he spent with me in Pittsgrove when my dad was shot. Had he talked to her while we were there? Did he text her while he was staying in my house; lying next to me in bed while I slept?

  I felt nauseous. “Rachel, I want to go home.”

  “What? We only just got here? You’re not having fun?”

  “It’s not that. I just don’t feel that good,” I replied.

  “Oh. Well, I can’t drive right now, Hannah. This is my second drink. You can take my car; I’ll have Shane drive me home when he’s done with the bimbo.” She winked as if Shane’s current activities were amusing to her.

  I sighed. “Thanks, Rachel, but I can’t drive a stick shift, remember?”

  She couldn’t think of another solution. “I’ll just go sit outside for a minute and get some fresh air,” I suggested. She seemed satisfied with that idea and patted my shoulder before turning back to Ethan.

  On the porch I looked up into the sky and tried to calm myself down. The stars were all blocked by clouds and the light pollution from the streetlamps. Shane with another woman had never hurt me this badly before. Maybe I felt different after having spent that weekend with him in Pittsgrove. Maybe it was seeing him with someone up close and way too personal that suddenly made it real for me. Whatever the reason, I needed to get my mind off Shane Decker and fast. I pulled my phone out of my tiny little evening bag and dialed the first person that came to mind.

  I felt very guilty for calling Aiden to come rescue me. It wasn’t right the way I only sought out his company when my relationship with Shane was strained. Although I regretted taking advantage of his crush on me when I needed a distraction from Shane, I considered this an emergency. I was drowning in despair and needed a life raft.

  I hadn’t seen Aiden since our lunch date except for once in the student center. We’d just run into one another there and I agreed to eat with him. We had a good time together. I opened up to him about my father’s injury and he
was very sympathetic. Aiden was an easy person to talk to and I liked that about him. We’d exchanged text messages a number of times since then but they never resulted in us getting together. My mind had been so muddled after my father’s injury, between worrying about him and trying to make sense of my friendship with Shane that I suppose Aiden realized I was going through a rough patch.

  The phone rang a few times before he picked up. “Hello?”

  “Hi Aiden,” I said, trying to sound normal.

  “Hannah, hey. What’s up?”

  “I’m at Sigma Phi with Rachel. What about you?”

  “You’re calling me from a frat house?” he asked stunned.

  “Well, yes. I was actually hoping you’d come and rescue me. I feel really out of place here and Rachel is too drunk to drive me home.” I tried to make it seem like he’d be helping a damsel in distress. I was a terrible person.

  “Let me just tell my friends I’m leaving and I’ll be there soon, okay?”

  “Thank you, Aiden.” I replied.

  “Anything for you.”

  That was easier than I thought. I went back inside to wait for him. It was just too cold out on the porch. I stood in the entryway, still holding that damn beer I’d never even sipped. It was time to throw it away. I saw a girl from one of my classes so I started a conversation with her about our recent assignment. After a few minutes someone tapped on my shoulder. It was Shane.

  “There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you,” he greeted me with a smile.

  “Really?” I said sarcastically. I was angry with him for making me feel so terrible and took a sip of the warm beer in my hand. “You weren’t missing me too much down in the basement.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. I saw you. I thought we were going to hang out? Isn’t that why you begged me to come here tonight?” I said bitterly.

  “I do want to hang out with you. I just didn’t know Wendy was going to be here. I’ve been trying to get her to go out with me for months,” he explained, confirming all my fears.