by Diana Currie
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I dropped my purse on the kitchen table and toed off my shoes.
“Didn’t you get off work at four? Shane’s been trying to call you. He said you weren’t picking up your phone.”
I reached into my purse and checked my phone. Two missed calls from Shane and one from Ethan.
“I always put my phone on silent when I’m at work. I just forgot to set it back to the ringer,” I explained holding it out for Ethan to see.
“Where have you been since then? It’s almost 8 o’clock,” he demanded.
I blushed and turned towards the refrigerator. I was still full of Little Tony’s pizza but I figured Ethan was famished. In the three weeks we’d been roomies he’d come to expect me to make dinner every night.
“I was with Aiden,” I told the fridge. I pulled out leftovers from the night before.
“Again? You’re spending a lot of time with that guy, Hannah.”
With Ethan in the house there was never much in the way of food leftover, but tonight it would do if I just made myself a small salad to go with this chicken. I turned around to face my friend. His brows were raised and he was waiting for my response.
“Yes. I like being with him. Are you hungry?”
“Of course,” he answered. “So are you and Aiden…” he trailed off and started pumping his fist out suggestively.
I swatted the air in front of me. “No! No! We haven’t slept together,” I answered defensively.
I dealt out the chicken and rice on two plates and started one rotating in the microwave. I poured myself some iced tea and took a seat at the table. Ethan grabbed a Coke from the fridge and joined me.
“You should call Shane before he starts to panic.”
“I haven’t talked to him in weeks. Why does he need me all of a sudden?” I asked. I typed a quick text to Shane letting him know I was home and would call after dinner.
“I think he wants to plan Fourth of July. If I hadn’t already promised to go I would just stay here. I have no interest in seeing Rachel yet,” he said bitterly.
The microwave dinged so I stood up, patting Ethan’s hand before stepping over to the counter. I took his plate out and set it on the table in front of him. After I put my plate in the microwave I made myself a bowl of lettuce and some green peppers I’d chopped the night before. Ethan made a face when I offered him some. I took my warmed plate back to the table and for a few minutes we ate in silence.
My phone beeped and I read the reply from Shane. Glad to hear your home. Feed E, then call.
“Why was Shane worried about me? I thought he was busy hanging out with Wendy,” I asked, rolling my eyes when I said her name.
He snorted. “Not a big fan of Wendy, huh Hanny?”
Gee, what gave that away? “I don’t like the way he acts around her. He’s like a different person,” I said flatly.
“What do you mean? Love sick? Happy?”
“No... Like how he drinks more, practically fornicating in front of other people, and ignoring his best friends.”
I took another bite of my food. I was dying to know if my suspicions were right and Shane really had been with Wendy all this time. It sounded like Ethan might know some details.
“Hannah, don’t get mad, but you sound a little jealous,” Ethan accused, pointing his fork at me.
“I am not!” I shot back, but my pale skin started to burn bright red.
“Really…” he smiled. “So it wouldn’t bother you to know that Wendy’s been staying with him in Pittsgrove? That they’ve been fucking every day in his parents’ house? Or that Shane told me that she’s wild in bed and he think he might be in love?”
It was even worse than I’d feared. No wonder I hadn’t heard from him in nearly three weeks. With her around he forgot all about me. I couldn’t stand the thought of her in Shane’s bedroom, the same place where I used to spend so much time; talking to him, laughing, building our friendship. Now she was in there instead of me. I thought about how upset this information made me even after spending an amazing afternoon with Aiden. Maybe I hadn’t made as much progress as I’d hoped. I felt a tear streak down my face before I remembered I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t contain my heartache and the floodgates opened. I quickly grabbed my napkin and tried to mop up my traitor tears.
“Shit, Hannah, I’m sorry,” Ethan said. “I’m an insensitive jerk.”
“It’s okay,” I whimpered. “I know I shouldn’t care.”
“But you do, don’t you?” he guessed.
I nodded, sniffling. I dabbed the last of the tears from my humiliating outburst. There was no use trying to hide it now, and I needed to talk to someone. I didn’t want to bother Andrea; I knew she was spending time with Steve. She didn’t need to hear about my drama for the umpteenth time.
“I’m a mess, E,” I said. “I’m sort of dating Aiden, I suppose. We haven’t put a label on it yet. But I just can’t get over this pathetic crush I have on Shane. I’m so in love with him it hurts. I know he doesn’t feel the same, but I just can’t get past it no matter how hard I try.”
“I had no idea, Hanny.” He shifted his chair closer to me and put his arm around my shoulder. “Have you ever told him?”
I shook my head forcefully. “No, and you can’t say anything,” I begged.
“I’d never do that. But if you’ve never told him then how do you know he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“Because he’s off fucking Wendy right now! Believe me, he wouldn’t be able to fall in love with her if he was already in love with me,” I moaned. I didn’t believe a person could be in love with two people at the same time, which made me wonder what I was expecting to happen between me and Aiden. My own theory meant that we were doomed as a couple.
“If you feel so strongly maybe you should just tell him how you feel,” Ethan suggested.
“Does Rachel know the truth about how you feel?” I countered.
“That’s different,” he replied defensively.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve thought about telling Shane a thousand times, but I wouldn’t be able to stand it if things got weird between us. I need him too much. If he felt the same way he would have told me by now. And I can’t tell him how I feel anyways; not with Wendy in his bed.”
“I guess we’ve both gotten ourselves into messes, haven’t we?” he said sighing.
I laughed and nodded my head. “Yeah, I guess we have. Thanks for being so nice, Ethan.”
“No problem. How about I even do the dishes tonight?” he offered.
I must really look in bad shape. “Wow. I should have breakdowns more often,” I teased.
He playfully whipped me with the dishtowel. I rubbed my face with both hands, mentally preparing myself for what I had to do now. I owed Shane a phone call, and had to make sure I sounded upbeat and normal. I thanked Ethan again for doing the dishes and went up to my room for some privacy. I changed out of my clothes and slipped on a tank top and terry cloth shorts. With a long sigh I dialed Shane’s number and sat down on the floor by my bed.
“Hannah,” he said after one ring.
“Hey stranger,” I answered, hoping he couldn’t see through my fake enthusiasm.
“Where have you been? Ethan said you should have been home hours ago?”
“Sorry I worried you. I didn’t know anyone was waiting up for me. I was with Aiden and my phone was on silent,” I said pleasantly.
“Oh.” There was a pause. “What were you doing with him that you didn’t want phone calls interrupting?”
“Shane, I thought you might have been calling about Fourth of July plans?” I said, desperate to change the subject. If I told him about Aiden then I know I’d ask about Wendy and I’d end up regretting it.
“Yes, my mother wants to know if Janet’s going to be in town. I remember you mentioning her coming up to see you. We’re trying to get a head count for the party.”
“Yep, mom is coming the whole week so she will be there. Lenny too,” I said.
“Great, thanks.” There was another awkward pause and I didn’t understand why this conversation had been so urgent to him if that was all he had to say. “So, how’s the job going?” he finally asked.
“I love it so far. We haven’t gotten any babies there yet; we’re still preparing the room. Next week we have two scheduled to start so I’m excited about that. What about you? How’s Casey adjusting?”
“We’ve having fun together. I think she really likes living with us. She hasn’t talked much about her previous foster family or her real parents, but that’s to be expected. Ally takes her shopping often,” he said, chuckling.
I missed the sound of Shane’s laughter. It relaxed me a little and I was able to settle into normal conversation with him. We talked for another half hour about Elise and Casey, more about my job, how I’ve been treating his car, and about Ethan and Rachel. Shane said he’d hung out with her just a few times since being home and she hadn’t wanted to discuss Ethan at all. I told him I hadn’t had much luck getting Ethan to budge either.
Our conversation did unfortunately make its way back to Aiden when Shane asked me what I’d been doing in my spare time. I was honest and said I’d been hanging out with Aiden a lot lately. That provided him an opportunity to mention Wendy. He started telling me how she was getting along with Ally and hearing about how my friend was bonding with that girl felt like torture. I couldn’t listen to him talk about her with such fondness in his voice so I had to fake an incoming call to save myself from the situation.
“Shane, my mom is calling. Can I talk to you more later?” I lied.
“Sure, tell her I said hi,” he replied casually.
“I will. See you on the 4th.”
“See you then. Bye.”
I hung up the phone and tossed it on my bed. I could hear Ethan next door playing video games so I went into his room to watch just to have some company.
“Hey you. How’d your call go?” he asked without looking away from his flat screen.
“Just super. Can I play? I feel like shooting something.”
“You want to play Gears of War?” he asked incredulously.
I shot him a dirty look and he handed me the controller. For the next few hours Ethan and I worked together to save the planet from monster locusts and after a while I felt better. It turns out shooting disgusting insects is therapeutic.
*~*
If it wasn’t for my mother actually taking vacation time from work and driving up to visit me I wouldn’t have had the strength to drag myself out of bed that morning and drive home to Pittsgrove. Ethan was whining even worse that I was by the time we crossed into the city limits. I dropped him off at his parent’s house and told him I’d be back the next day at three to take him to the Decker’s party. Ethan’s parents weren’t coming, though they had been invited. He didn’t exactly get along with his parents and was only slightly more enthused to see them than he was about seeing Rachel.
I spent the night in my dad’s house catching up with my parents. I was relieved that five years after I’d made the decision to change my living arrangements my mother seemed to have forgiven my dad for allowing me to come to Pittsgrove. It had taken him a long time to accept the divorce and even longer for her to accept my abandonment of her and Baltimore. My parents never fought over me the way some parents did after a separation or divorce. Although I would have preferred to grow up in a home with both my mother and father, the truth was their marriage was over before I was old enough to remember and I’d always felt loved by them both so I couldn’t complain.
My mom was staying in a hotel and Dad was going to pick her up on his way to the Decker’s the next day. I kissed them both goodnight around eleven and headed up to my old bedroom. I wasn’t used to sleeping in the bed any longer and I had difficulty falling asleep. I kept remembering the time I’d slept here with Shane laying next to me when Dad had been in the hospital. I tried desperately to fight off visions of him in his bedroom across town, spooning another woman as I lay here daydreaming about him. Eventually I fell asleep and didn’t wake until nearly ten the next morning.
I made myself useful around the house, dusting and vacuuming each room until I was satisfied it was clean. I made a decent lunch for my dad and myself and then headed upstairs to get ready for the party. No matter the occasion, the Decker’s went overboard with their parties. I wanted to look extra good if I was forced to be in the same room as Wendy. I knew I couldn’t compete but I felt as though I should at least try. I pulled out a new dress I’d bought only days earlier, dark blue with a halter neckline. I did my best to set a loose curl in my hair and put on a little makeup. Hopefully I’d done Ally proud. After all, she was the one who gave me hair and makeup lessons in high school.
I text Ethan to make sure he was ready and then I got behind the wheel of my old red truck and made my way over to his house. It felt good to be driving it again, though I had to admit the ride was awfully worn out compared to the Firebird. Ethan was still complaining about having to see Rachel post-break up. I reminded him that at least Rach was single, I was about to face the man I loved and his new girlfriend! He said I definitely had the worse deal but that I looked sexy in my dress, so that cheered me up a little bit. I hoped Shane noticed it too. And Wendy.
Ethan and I arrived at Shane’s house and pulled around back to park in their garage. I thought about how presumptuous it was for me to assume I could park there when all the other guests were leaving their cars out front along the long gravel driveway that lead up to the home’s front porch. Ethan didn’t seem surprised about my parking there because it’s what I’d done practically every weekend in high school. Colin and Elise treated us like we were their own children and I’d always felt as comfortable with them as in my own home. We came into the house from the garage and saw Elise buzzing around the kitchen. She hugged us both.
“I’m so glad you two could make it! Ethan, you look like you’ve put on some muscle since I last saw you. That football coach isn’t working you too hard, I hope,” she said.
“No, Mrs. Decker. It’s been great, actually,” he replied.
“And Hannah, you look more beautiful every day,” Elise said, looking me up and down. “Are your parents with you?”
“My father’s picking Mom on his way. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”
She took a step towards me to whisper something under her breath. “Hannah, sweetie, I’m afraid I need you to do me the same favor you did on New Years. At least get him to eat something for me.”
My first reaction was to be horrified at her request. I knew she was asking me to drag Shane out from his bedroom where he was hiding like he always did during big parties like this. I imagined walking in on Shane and Wendy doing God knows what up there. Then, I realized Elise wouldn’t send me up to a room that smelled of sex and sorority girl so the scenario must not be as I imagined. I’m sure I looked confused as I stared at her unable to speak.
“He needs his best friend,” she replied and patted my shoulder. That was apparently all the information I was going to get as Elise turned back to her food preparation.
I told Ethan to go talk to Colin who was most likely manning the grill in the back yard. I figured that was probably the last place he’d find Rachel and Ethan nodded in agreement. I made my way through the house to the grand staircase in the Decker’s living room. Jessa and Mark were looking mighty cozy sitting on the sofa talking to Ally. I waved hello and pointed up the staircase with a shrug of my shoulders. They all knew Shane well enough to figure out where I was headed.
Shane’s door was closed when I reached the familiar room at the end of the hall. He preferred to stay upstairs during big parties but he usually left the door open to visitors. I knocked and listened for a response. I still expected to find him with company but when he opened the door it was obvious from his face that he was alone. When he saw it was me he opened the door wider, but turned and retreated back to his bed where he must have been laying.
I followed him and pulled his desk chair up next to his bed.
“Shane, why aren’t you down at the party? What’s wrong?” I asked gently.
“Ironic how everyone’s celebrating their independence today. America’s celebrating her independence from Great Britain and Wendy’s celebrating her independence from me.”
“Wendy left?” I asked; the shock obvious in my tone.
“Ran is more like it,” he replied darkly. “Said I was smothering her, that we were moving too fast. Apparently she isn’t looking for a long term relationship.”
“When did this happen?”
“Last night.”
“I’m sorry, Shane.” And I was. No matter how much I hated seeing him with another woman, especially that one; I never wanted him to experience any kind of pain. And I could tell my friend was hurting now.
“I told my mother I wasn’t in the mood for socializing. It’s hardly been twelve hours since Wendy left me. I still feel like sulking. I need time to think,” he said.
He looked so sad I couldn’t resist reaching out to touch him. I put my hand on his forearm and rubbed my thumb over his skin.
“Did you love her, Shane?” I asked. Please say no, please say no, I chanted to myself.
“I don’t know. I thought that I might be falling for her. I told her that I felt like we had something special and it freaked her out. I thought I was doing the right thing, waiting until after high school to get serious about a girl. But I’m starting to realize that the girls in high school always wanted to be my girlfriend and in college all they want is to screw around.”
I grimaced at his words. How stupid college girls were! Anyone who would run from Shane because he wanted more than just sex was seriously demented.
“Wendy was an idiot. If she couldn’t see how smart, and funny, and kind you are then it’s her loss,” I told him. He didn’t respond, continuing to stare at the wall behind me. “Shane, listen to me. She missed out big time. If any of those girls had taken the time to get to know you the way I know you… well, they’d be lining up to be your girlfriend.”