by Diana Currie
“Yes, I’ve written a number of short stories. I won’t let anyone read them though.”
“Why not? I’d love to read your stories,” I pressed.
“If I ever publish you can have a first edition,” he promised.
I grinned. “Well, I’m planning to become a book editor. Maybe some Decker stories will one day cross my desk.”
He smiled in response and said, “God help me if you’re my editor. I can’t imagine you with that kind of power.”
I kicked him under the table and took a big bite of my sub.
“So what do you have planned for your trip to see your mother?” he asked ignoring the kick to his shin.
“Probably a lot of time lounging around at day spas if I know Janet,” I answered unenthusiastically.
“You poor thing,” he teased. “It sounds like you’ll be tortured the whole time.”
That was about how I felt, being separated from him for so long. “It will be nice to be back in my old house for a little while,” I admitted.
“Well, think of me while you’re getting massaged and exfoliated. Pittsgrove is never the same when you’re away.”
I blushed into my sandwich, speechless. We finished our food and started walking through the crowds to the parking lot. The ride home passed too quickly and when he pulled into the parking space next to Ally’s car my stomach was churning from the anxiety of saying goodbye.
“I had fun,” I said nervously as I unbuckled my seatbelt and prepared to pry myself away from him. His expression didn’t look the least bit pained to see me go. “Tell your family I said Merry Christmas.”
“I’m coming inside with you, Hanny. You have to help me wrap these things,” he grinned.
I sighed; secretly relived our time together would last a little longer. “Are you telling me Shane Decker doesn’t know how to wrap presents?” I teased.
“No, I’m telling you Shane Decker doesn’t have any wrapping paper in his dorm. But I know you do,” he replied, his smile stretching further across his face.
“Of course I do, because my gifts have been wrapped for weeks! Come on,” I said as I got out of his car. He followed me into the house and up to my bedroom.
I pulled the tubes of paper out of my closet and laid them on the bed. Shane sat on the edge and set to work pulling his gifts out of the bags and removing price tags. My mind wandered back to the last time Shane and I shared this bed and I blushed. He still had not mentioned a word about our night together, keeping his promise that it would never affect our friendship. At least he didn’t regret it. Had he felt that way I’m sure he would have tried to apologize to me by now.
I noticed Shane didn’t talk about girls as much as he used to and not once did he bring a date to any of the parties we’d all attended that semester. It might have been the result of his breakup with Wendy but I couldn’t help but wonder if the reason had anything to do with our sleeping together. I didn’t want to linger on that possibility while I was with him so I distracted myself by going to get scissors and scotch tape from my desk.
Together Shane and I wrapped the presents one by one. I sized each piece of wrapping paper and made the cut, then passed it off to him to wrap. Occasionally, our fingers would touch or his arm would brush against me. Each hint of contact sent my hormones raging and at least once I had visions of Shane sweeping all the items off the bed and throwing me down on it.
He looked over at me and saw the hint of pink in my cheeks. “Why are you blushing, Hannah?” he asked curiously.
Damn my cheeks! “I was just thinking something a little embarrassing,” I admitted.
He raised one brow waiting for me to elaborate. I deliberated for a moment, thinking how I could put my thoughts into words without giving away too much information.
“I was just thinking about going to Baltimore, and how much I’m going to miss this,” I said, gesturing between our bodies with my hand.
He smirked but didn’t give me any audible response. It was killing me not knowing what he was thinking. The night we had sex in this very room changed everything for me, and yet it has changed nothing for us because we still haven’t talked about it. One of us needed to say something, anything, to address the elephant in the room.
Instead, Shane walked across the hall and knocked on Ally’s door. “Sis, you gonna be ready to head out around noon tomorrow?”
I heard Ally reply through the door, “I’ll be ready, bro!” Ally was eager to get home to her family after her first semester away. Even having Shane here with her she was still homesick.
I walked Shane to the front door not knowing what else to say. He still hadn’t commented on my admittance that I was going to miss him. Maybe even that was saying too much for him? I hated that I was already missing him and he hadn’t even left yet. I knew why it was harder for me to be away from him this time than it had been in the past. Ever since we’d slept together I felt connected to him on a new level, and I liked it. I was afraid that if I was apart from him physically that wonderful feeling of being linked to him might disappear.
I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him to send my love to Elise, Colin, and Casey. He smiled wide; one foot out the doorway. Then, he hesitated and turned back towards me to say something.
“I’m going to miss you too, Hanny,” he said softly and then he kissed my cheek.
*~*
I had to admit that it was nice to be back in Baltimore. I was enjoying my mother’s company and she was so happy having me there for the entire month of January. I’d forgotten how good it felt to spend hours talking to my mom about anything and everything. She worked hard to make me feel welcome in our home that had changed a bit since I’d lived there. I’d been there a few times but never for this long. My mother had made a lot of decorating changes and bought some new furniture but it pleased me to see she’d left my bedroom untouched. Her heart was in the right place and I greatly appreciated the effort she expended to make me feel at home again. Unfortunately, it also reminded me that spread out along the East coast I had three separate bedrooms and didn’t feel like any of them were truly my home.
I was Skyping with Jessa late one night during the third week of January. She was going on about Mark and how wonderful he had turned out to be. They were spending the summer together in Pittsgrove, as were all of my friends. The only part of my Baltimore vacation that I hated was being separated from everyone. Even Andrea was home for the winter break and I was missing my chance to catch up with her. I’d been keeping in close contact with Shane and Rachel through emails and the occasional call. I was still waiting to hear if Ethan followed through with his confrontation with Rachel. It was cowardly of me but I was anxious to see the results of his gesture before I did something similar with Shane.
I’d been thinking about it more and more since coming down here, especially after the send off kiss to the cheek Shane had given me. I felt like the time away from school and everyone I knew was actually a good thing since it gave me a chance to clear my head and gain a little perspective. It finally occurred to me that if I did decide to broach the subject of my feelings with Shane I didn’t need to go all out and declare my everlasting love for him. Of course I was head over heels, over the moon, blah blah blah… but there was no reason to tell him that.
No, what I needed to do was casually suggest that we try going out on a date. I would admit that I was still thinking about our night together and since we were such good friends I wanted to see if taking it the next level was something he’d ever consider. How bad could his response be? I was already suffering silently. If I didn’t admit how deep my feelings were then it would be easier for him to let me down easy or laugh it off as a silly idea. He seemed perfectly able to get passed seeing me naked and shoving his manhood deep inside me; he should be able to recover from my suggesting one little date, right? I was convinced that this new idea of mine was going to help my situation with Shane.
Jessa was still rambling on and on, which is har
d to do through Skype, when a second window popped up on my screen.
Decker1991: hey Hanny
Yikes. I felt like Shane must have known I was just thinking about him…
MissHanny: hey stranger
Decker1991: what u doing up so late?
MissHanny: Jessa is dating Mark and I’m getting TMI :-P
Decker1991: sorry to hear that
MissHanny: how’s Pittsgrove?
Decker1991: exciting as ever, we miss u. Ethan and I went out drinking. He finally told Rachel he still likes her
Finally! I prayed that she was kind to him. I tapped my foot nervously waiting for more information.
MissHanny: and?
Decker1991: she told him she had to think about it. Hence the drinking…
Oh, Rachel! That was not what was supposed to happen. I’m surprised she hadn’t called me by now. Maybe she was talking to Ally?
MissHanny: Oh no. Where did you underage fools get alcohol?
Decker1991: sorry sheriff Sing. Don’t arrest me ;-)
MissHanny: you deserve to be locked away…
I grinned as I waited for his reply. I could tell he was tipsy if not worse. His response was delayed.
PrincessJessa: Hannah, u still there?
Crap.
MissHanny: Sorry Jessa, I gtg. Talk later?
PrincessJessa: um… ok… ttyl
PrincessJessa has signed off
I closed the chat window and pulled Shane’s back up.
Decker1991: you can frisk me if you want
Okay, so he was definitely drunk. I hadn’t gotten a flirty message like that since the homecoming game he missed. Running into Aiden saved me from having to send back a clever response that time. Now I had to decide whether I’d reprimand him or play along. Navigating this scenario would be a lot easier if we’d talked about having slept together! I had no idea where his head was at or why he occasionally flirted with me.
I decided I wanted to play. Any new clues I could get out of him was progress, right? My courage came from the late hour and the hundred miles between us.
MissHanny: don’t tempt me. It’s awfully lonely out here
Decker1991: come over, I’ll keep you company beautiful
What was he doing to me? Was his semester long celibacy starting to affect him or did he actually want me? I couldn’t resist typing the next line. I had to throw it out there, see if he took the bait.
MissHanny: wow u are drunk lol What will we do if I come…?
Decker1991: if u drove back right now we would both come :-o
Okay, I was starting to get hot and bothered. I briefly considered my options. I could shut this down now, tell him to go sleep it off and make him think I wasn’t interested, which was not the message I wanted to send. Or, I could play along and let him see once again the effect his flirting had on me. He might be able to use alcohol as an excuse later, but what would I be able to say? Maybe he wouldn’t even remember in the morning. If he did remember and reacted badly, I’d have to say that I was messing with him in his drunken state.
Like the night of Ally’s party, I couldn’t help myself.
MissHanny: u talking like that is giving me dirty thoughts
Decker1991: tell me what you're thinking
MissHanny: remembering your hands all over me… felt so good
Decker1991: Yeah? I wanna touch you again, your breasts
MissHanny: I’m imagining that you are.
Decker1991: I wanna touch you everywhere
MissHanny: I want you in my mouth. Are u hard?
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Every time I hit send I had to cover my eyes until I heard the next ping from my computer.
Decker1991: fuck yes. Suck me hard baby
MissHanny: mmm… you taste so good
Decker1991: are you touching yourself?
MissHanny: yes, I want you so bad
I lied. I wasn’t touching myself. I never did that kind of thing. I was not going to either, not with my mother in the next room. I was also concentrating too hard on what I was typing to be able to do both.
Decker1991: you make me so hot
MissHanny: take off your clothes
Decker1991: ok… now yours
I couldn’t resist. I pulled my t-shirt off and massaged my right breast a little.
MissHanny: I wish you were inside me right now
Decker1991: pretend I’m there with you
MissHanny: it feels so good. Please fuck me
Decker1991: I am baby, I’m fucking you so hard
MissHanny: faster, don’t stop.
Decker1991: shit I wish I could feel you all around me again
MissHanny: U will. I’m gonna…
I was so aroused that it wasn’t far from the truth.
Decker1991: me toooo
Decker1991: fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk k
There was a long pause when neither of us typed anything. I felt the same after-sex awkwardness come over me that I had felt the morning I woke up with Shane in my bed. I wondered what he was doing and tried to picture him at home in his bedroom in Pittsgrove.
Decker1991: that was hot Hanny
MissHanny: ditto
Decker1991: so…. Lol
MissHanny: so…..
Decker1991: id kiss you if you were here
MissHanny: I’d like that
Decker1991: I like kissing you
MissHanny: Me too
My heart was pounding. Was this it? Were we finally going to talk about what might be happening between us? My hopes were skyrocketing that maybe Shane had feelings for me too. I held my breath as I waited over a minute for his next message.
Decker1991: Hannah…
MissHanny: yes, Shane…
Decker1991: I am tired. U wore me out
MissHanny: oh. You don’t want to talk anymore?
Decker1991: of course I do, but so sleepy.
Crashing, my higher than high hopes were crashing back to Earth. I knew it was too good to be true. I was so stupid to let myself think Shane would come clean with me over Skype.
MissHanny: u should sleep then
Decker1991: my head hurts
MissHanny: another reason to sleep
Decker1991: ok... ttys
MissHanny: Nite Shane
Decker1991: Nite beautiful
Decker1991 has signed off
I sat in front of my computer for a long time after Shane went to bed, reading and rereading his words. At first I was depressed at the abrupt end to our conversation, but after some thought I began to feel just a twinge of hope creep back up. People say alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions and say things you wouldn’t normally admit. I was proof of that at Ally’s party when I told Shane I’d had a crush on him in high school. It was a truth that I would never have admitted sober. Could what had just transpired between Shane and me be something he’d thought about only never said out loud?
I want to touch you again. You make me so hot. I’d kiss you if you were here.
I got goose bumps at the thought. I could hardly wait until morning when Shane’s drunken stupor had worn off. I wondered if he’d remember it or not. Would he bring it up or wait for me? There was no way he’d try to pretend it never happened. I wanted to ask Ethan what they talked about while they were drinking. Maybe he had mentioned me and that was why he logged on when he got home.
Or maybe they only talked about Rachel. I remembered what Shane told me about Ethan. The poor guy was probably a mess right now. I took my phone from the little desk I sat at and sent him a text message.
Shane told me what happened. Call me if u want to talk
I copied and pasted my Skype conversation with Shane into a Word document and saved it to my desktop. It was really sad that I wanted to save it but couldn’t help myself.
Ethan called the next morning as I was coming back from a walk with my mom. I ran into my bedroom as I took the call.
“Hey,” I answered, slightly out of breathe.
“Hey. So you talked to Shane, huh?” He didn’t sound very upbeat this morning.
“Yes, I’m sorry. What did she say? Shane was a little out of sorts last night when he told me what happened.”
He scoffed. “You could say that. Um, well I did what I told you I was planning. She agreed to meet me and I gave her two roses when she got to my house. I told her the yellow rose was for the time in high school when I fell for her when we were friends, and the pink one was for the time I fell for her in college when we started dating. Then I pulled a red rose from behind my back and told her I hoped this one would represent a new beginning for us, when we would finally get it right.”
“Ethan, that is so romantic,” I praised.
“She told me that so many roses reminded her of how many times we’ve already tried being a couple,” he moaned.
“That bitch,” I gasped.
Ethan laughed. “We talked a little bit; I followed through with telling her everything. You know, getting it all off my chest. She said she wanted some time to think… that she didn’t want to put us both through that again unless she was sure.”
“She would be crazy to turn you down, buddy,” I replied.
I hoped my simple encouragement would lift his spirits. I wondered how long she would make him wait. I wondered how long I would be waiting. When Ethan’s silence told me he was done talking about Rachel I asked him about Shane.
“So, Shane was really hammered last night, wasn’t he,” I said nonchalantly.
Ethan snickered. “That boy is such a lightweight I can’t believe Sigma doesn’t kick him out.”
I smiled momentarily and then asked, “He didn’t mention me last night, did he?”
“No, but it seemed like something was bothering him. He wouldn’t tell me,” Ethan replied.
“So is he okay then? Have you talked to him?”
Ethan replied, “I don’t know. He wouldn’t pick up his phone when I called this morning.”
“Okay, I’m going to try calling him then; make sure he’s alright.”
“You bet. I’ll catch ya later.”
I hung up the phone and anxiously dialed Shane’s cell. I was nervous about how this conversation would play out and even more so that he wouldn’t pick up at all. He always had his phone on him and it concerned me that he hadn’t answered for Ethan earlier. He better not be screening my calls too.