by Diana Currie
I held on as the rings went to voicemail and hung up right before it started to record. I waited a few seconds and hit redial. On my third attempt Shane answered.
“Hi,” he said in a small voice. I could already tell he didn’t want to talk to me.
“Thanks for picking up. I, uh, wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you drank a lot last night.”
“Yes, I certainly drank a lot. I’m fine, Hannah,” he said my name with difficulty.
“Excuse me, grumpy,” I said sarcastically. “I wasn’t sure you’d even remember last night…”
“Well, I do. And I owe you an apology. Alcohol is no excuse for me crossing the line with you like that. Again.”
He was apologizing. So he did regret it. My stomach knotted instantly as I felt a shiver in my spine. I had been sure that if Shane remembered our indecent little web chat that he would try to blame the alcohol. I didn’t expect for him to sound so remorseful. His words sounded like he was admitting that he had taken advantage of me. All of a sudden that was exactly how I felt. Was he so ashamed of his behavior because he knows how I feel about him and he doesn’t feel the same? I couldn’t bear to hear him say he didn’t feel that way about me.
“Don’t get down on yourself, Shane. I shouldn’t have let you go on like that, you were just so entertaining,” I replied with as much confidence as I could muster.
“So you were what, just playing with me that whole time?” he asked sounding stunned.
I hated lying to my best friend. Even more, I hated embarrassing him to save my secret. What else could I say? The only other option I could think of was to admit that I meant every word, that I had romantic feelings for him, which would only have made him apologize again for crossing invisible lines and leading me on. No thank you.
“I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just like Drunk Shane, and didn’t know what else to do once it got… intense,” I lied.
He was quiet for at least a minute. “So last night meant nothing to you.” He said it not so much a question, but a statement.
That seemed to be the position he had taken, whether he was lying I didn’t know. My only choice was to claim the same. I bit my lower lip as I took a deep breath to steady my voice. “No. Sorry. I didn’t take last night seriously.”
He cleared his throat and replied, “Okay, then. I am sorry about being so disrespectful last night. I shouldn’t treat my friends like 900 numbers.”
He sounded guarded, perhaps a little disappointed even? I ignored the throbbing pain in my heart that was telling me I was blowing my chance to lay my cards on the table; to tell him I’d always wanted him and last night had been no exception.
“No harm. You were more entertaining than Kimmel,” I joked. My heart clenched as the words passed my lips.
He didn’t laugh. He didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t let this be the end of our conversation but no new topics were coming to mind. All I wanted to do was take back my lies and make him admit the truth that he felt something for me somewhere in that beautiful head of his. But I just wasn’t sure that he did.
“So, do you have a massive headache?” I guessed.
“Nah, I took two Advil with a Gatorade before I fell asleep. It actually worked.”
“Good, maybe you can go kick Rachel’s butt for me today then.”
He laughed lightly. “I don’t think it’s wise for me to get mixed up in their drama. I figured you would have talked to her by now anyway.”
“Yeah, well I’m a little out of touch here. Rachel and your sister have barely talked to me in weeks,” I whined.
“Don’t worry. Your sentence is almost up and then you can come home,” he said.
“One more week,” I agreed. “I love being with my mom, I just wish she lived in Jersey.”
“Are you sure? It’s raining and thirty degrees here right now. I hear it might snow today.”
“Ew.”
He laughed. “I knew that would get you...”
“You know me so well,” I replied, sighing.
We were both silent for a moment. Shane said he needed to go make an appearance downstairs since he was still in his room. It seemed like an excuse to get off the phone but I was just as eager to hang up as he seemed to be. We said goodbye awkwardly and I was left in the dark room, my head resting in my hands. If it was even possible, I was now more confused about my relationship with Shane than ever.
CHAPTER 16: NEW FRIEND
Spring semester started like any other. The only real change was in my relationship with Shane. I felt like we were growing apart since the embarrassing cyber sex incident. I noticed the way he looked at me was different. We should have talked more about what happened between us but it seemed like neither of us wanted to initiate that awkward conversation. I desperately needed to fix whatever was broken, but I didn’t know what to say that didn’t lead to me confessing my feelings. And I couldn’t tell him the truth the way things were right now. I didn’t understand how actual sex, virginity losing sex, didn’t affect our friendship, but internet sex did. Something had changed and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I had just one class with Shane in the spring. Given our current circumstances it was almost one too many. I was surprised to find that I also I had a class with Aiden. It was a little uncomfortable the first few sessions, not knowing whether to sit by him or find the chair furthest away. By our third class Aiden was coming to sit next to me and I was glad to be on good terms with him again.
In one of my other classes I befriended a boisterous girl named Julie. My intentions were purely to have someone in the class to contact in case I ever had a question regarding an assignment or if I missed a class, but Julie was very easy to talk to and she seemed like a lot of fun. I decided one Thursday to invite her to join us for karaoke at the bowling alley. I used to enjoy bowling night when Shane and I were joined at the hip, best friends forever, but now I could use someone else there to talk to. It would make Shane’s ignoring me a little less obvious and painful.
Thursday night was the official start to the weekend around UD. Only a few suckers had 8am classes on Fridays. I happened to be one of them, but it didn’t stop me from going out anyway. As I looked around I saw a number of students from my Earth Science course who would no doubt be suffering alongside me the following morning.
Rachel, Ethan, and Shane were already at the bowling alley when Julie and I arrived that night. They had secured a lane near the snack stand and were getting their shoes on as we walked up. I introduced my new friend as everyone stared in disbelief. Was it really so strange that Hannah Sing could make a new friend? I was still mildly insulted as I took a seat and began entering our names into the computer.
Rachel and Ethan were getting along well since coming back to campus. She had made Ethan wait ten excruciating days before giving him an answer about getting back together. She told him right before they left Pittsgrove that she was willing to start fresh. She said she wasn’t going to pursue any other guys but she didn’t want to feel tied down. They were taking their new relationship slowly, trying to prevent the same problems from creeping up on them again. Ethan was finally happy again and so was Rachel.
It turned out Julie was friends with one of the guys at the bar in the bowling alley so none of us were carded all night. I only had one drink but Shane and Ethan were knocking them back like the frat boys they were. Shane was careful not to make direct eye contact with me most of the night. He spoke when necessary, but something with him was still off. He just wasn’t his normal, charming self, and it was driving me crazy.
Julie let it be known early on in the evening that she was single. When she didn’t get a response from Ethan she turned to my best friend. I was surprised by how openly Shane flirted with her in front of me. It was as if my presence was no different than Rachel and Ethan’s. I started thinking maybe he had been honest when he said his actions online were nothing but alcohol induced stupidity. I did my best to conceal my hurt feelings. I was mor
e so angry at myself than anything else. Why did I keep setting myself up for heartbreak?
Julie and Shane hit it off immediately. I didn’t see that coming since they had nothing in common, but you know what they say about opposites. I wouldn’t have expected Shane to go for Julie though. She was chatty, and blunt, and laughed at her own jokes. She did have a pretty face, but she was blonde. Shane usually preferred brunettes. If I had known I’d be inadvertently playing matchmaker that night I might not have ever introduced myself to her at all. Perhaps that was what those looks from my friends were all about when we arrived.
We bowled two games and then Rachel dragged us into the karaoke bar. She had a good voice and the alcohol certainly helped with her stage fright. The rest of us just watched her in awe. Karaoke wasn’t my thing. She did finally drag Ethan up on stage once he was good and sloshed. They were really cute together, singing a rendition of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.”
“Are you going to get up there, Shane?” Julie asked. The three of us were sitting at a table near the back of the bar. I had my eyes glued to Rachel and Ethan while Julie was far more fascinated by Shane.
“I don’t really sing. If there was a piano you might be able to get me to play,” he replied.
“You can play piano?” she asked leaning over the table giving him a better view of her cleavage.
Shane smiled. “Yeah, I took lessons as a kid. I’ve written a couple songs too.”
“Wow, you must be very talented,” she said sounding impressed. “I wonder what other talents you have?”
I rolled my eyes and looked back towards the stage. Rachel was bowing for her performance and Ethan was gesturing for the crowd to continue clapping. Wendy’s shameless flirting with Shane was beginning to make me feel like a fifth wheel. I excused myself to the ladies room, not that they would even notice me leave.
I was slowly wandering my way back to the karaoke bar, watching people bowl and playing arcade games. Everyone around me seemed so happy. I stopped at the bar and considered getting another drink. I wasn’t even buzzed; one more mixed drink shouldn’t make me do anything too crazy, right? I was the most sober of the five of us and given the way I was feeling, the most deserving of a little more alcohol.
Rachel scared me as she poked my shoulder from behind. “What are you doing out here? I thought you were in the middle of a concert?” I teased.
She shot me a dirty look and said, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seem kind of out of it tonight.”
“I didn’t realize bringing Julie would make me the outcast of the group,” I replied.
“What were you thinking bringing her here?” she chuckled. “I mean, she’s nice and all, but I figured you’d want to hog Shane all to yourself, especially after a month away from him.”
I blushed and she continued, “You really didn’t think Shane might want to get to know the hot blonde?”
Before I could find my voice a tear escaped my eye. I wiped it quickly but there was no hope of Rachel missing it. I looked up at my friend and the shock on her face only made me feel worse.
“I knew it!” she exclaimed. “You’ve got a thing for Shane, don’t you?”
“Shhhh! It’s complicated. Please don’t make me talk about it right now. I can’t,” I murmured.
“Fine, but we’re talking about it later,” she demanded. She smiled at me sympathetically and I shooed her back into the karaoke bar. Rachel was expecting to get some fun gossip out of me later. I didn’t think she realized what a sorry state I was in.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself to face whatever was happening at our table. Instead, Shane exited the double doors and walked in my direction. I plastered a smile on my face as he approached.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he repeated, looking at me briefly and then down at the empty glass in his hand.
“Everything okay?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, I was just getting Julie another drink,” he replied. I nodded choosing not to comment that Julie seemed to have had plenty to drink already. “Is everything okay with you?” he asked.
“Things have been kind of weird between us since I got back,” I said softly. “Since… you know.”
“It’s not a big deal. We’re both sorry, right?” he said quickly knowing exactly what I was referring to.
“Right,” I said.
His expression was serious and guarded. He almost looked hurt. Was it his ego that had been wounded over winter break; was he still angry at himself for saying those things to me? And if so, was he angry because he didn’t mean to say them or because he did? I still didn’t know. I wanted to admit that I’d lied before. To say to his face that what we shared over Skype was special and it hadn’t been a game to me. But I couldn’t be the first to do it. Especially not there in the bowling alley while he held another woman’s empty glass that needed freshening.
“Can we agree not to talk about it anymore? I need to get back inside,” he said tersely.
“Sure. Julie’s waiting,” I said sullenly. His mouth turned up into a brief grin and then he walked passed me to the snack stand. I hurried inside the karaoke bar where Rachel was hopefully sitting at our table. I needed her to run interference between me and my new friend.
It was later during Rachel and Ethan’s rendition of “I Will Survive” that I started to feel like I wouldn’t. Julie scooted her chair closer to Shane and put her hand on his thigh. How many times had I dreamt about doing that and there she was touching him without hesitation on the day they meet. They began whispering back and forth to one another, but both being drunk, they were hardly quiet. I could hear every word.
“Shane, do you think you could walk me home tonight?” Julie asked him. She leaned toward him, twirling her hair around one finger.
He looked a little surprised. “How far do you live?” he asked. I didn’t like where this was going.
“In Magnolia.” That was the name of one of the dorms near Shane’s.
“That’s right on my way. I live in Chestnut,” Shane said and gave her a smile. My favorite smile.
She leaned in impossibly closer and tugged his earlobe down to mere inches away from her mouth. “Shane, if you walk me home… I’ll give you a hummer,” she said, right before she started kissing his neck.
I was almost certain she wasn’t referring to the tank-like cars with the bad gas mileage. Shane smiled sheepishly and leaned closer to her saying something in her ear that actually was a whisper. She giggled in response to whatever he said and I had finally had enough. I got up from the table abruptly and Shane looked up at me in confusion.
I looked him directly in the eyes and impolitely said, “I’m going home now. You two have a good night,” and walked back into the bowling alley.
Rachel came out to find me a few minutes later and I told her I was ready to go whenever she was. I waited outside by Rachel’s car even though it was drizzling. I needed the fresh air. We drove Ethan home and then went back to our house. I assumed Shane did walk Julie to her dorm room.
“Okay, Hannah. We are getting some junk food and a good movie and you are going to tell me everything,” Rachel started the second we walked through the front door.
“Haven’t you had a lot to drink, Rachel? Maybe we should do this later?” I suggested.
“Ha, no way! I’ve known you for over five years, Hannah, and this is the first time you’ve ever had boy troubles worth discussing. You owe me some details.”
I figured it wasn’t worth trying to fight her. I pulled some cookies out of the cupboard and got us two glasses of skim milk. Rachel was already curled up on the couch ready for me to start talking. I wondered where Ally might be. I knew she missed bowling in favor of her nightly call with Jack but her car was missing when we’d gotten home. It was nearly eleven o’clock. I slunk down into the easy chair and bit into a cookie. Rachel stared at me expectantly.
“You are right; I have a thing for Shane. I have always had a thing
for Shane. The problem is he has never, ever had a thing for me. He has been my best friend for years and I know I’m his best friend too. I can’t do anything to risk that friendship because I’d be completely lost without him. I feel completely lost now. Because something stupid happened over winter break and Shane is treating me different. He’s shutting me out and I don’t know what to do. The whole reason I never told him how I feel is to avoid this exact scenario. I didn’t even get my chance to declare my feelings for him and yet he’s acting awkward and avoiding me as if I had done just that!”
I sucked in a deep breath and rested my head back on the cushion. It felt liberating to finally tell Rachel about my suffering. Ethan had been great and all, but I needed a female perspective.
“So what happened over winter break?” she asked, enthralled by my story like my life was a juicy soap opera.
I groaned and lifted my head off the back of the chair. “He came home drunk from a night out with Ethan and started chatting with me online.”
I blew out a deep breath and scowled at my roommate. “If you tell anyone this, including Ethan, I will never forgive you.” She nodded.
“He started flirting with me and even though I knew he was drunk I flirted back. He’s done something similar once before and it was just so amazing to have him act like that with me again that I couldn’t stop myself. We kept it going until we were both saying really dirty things, I knew he was touching himself, and then… he orgasmed. He told me I was hot. And that he’d kiss me if I were there with him.”
Rachel’s mouth hung open, just as I’d expected. She had no comment; left utterly speechless by my confession.
“So, what does that mean?” I asked, desperate for her to explain it to me. “The next morning he apologized for ‘taking advantage of me’ and I had to pretend I had been joking around with him to save my dignity. It obviously didn’t mean anything to him. Ever since then he’s been acting weird.”