Out of Breath (Exposed Series Book 2)

by Kelly, Hazel

  I couldn’t exactly write hope, pulling out, and the occasional condom. So I just wrote condoms.

  And do you smoke?

  I put “No” even though I hadn’t totally quit yet. But I was going to soon. Lighting up wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be now that I’d spent so much time listening to Dawn wheeze when we were watching television. I don’t think she knew she was doing it, but it was better than any anti-smoking campaign I’d ever seen.

  After I double checked my answers, I returned to the one at the top of the form that I’d skipped the first time through. All it said was “Reason for visit?”

  I thought about writing to get the pill, but I thought it would be more mature to write to discuss my birth control options.

  Because even though I wasn’t having sex with Kevin yet, I hoped to be in the near future. And lots of it.

  I gave the clipboard to the woman at the desk and she called my name before I even got back to my seat. I froze for a second and looked at Dawn. She gave me an encouraging nod.

  I took a deep breath. It was too late to back out. Plus, if I left then, I’d never see the face of the doctor who had all that information about my vagina. I mean, what if I saw her in the street and didn’t know to be embarrassed. God forbid.

  The chubby cardigan lady led me to a basic room that looked like it hadn’t had a fresh coat of paint since the year I was born. Then she gave me a “gown” to put on that was flimsier than a cheap paper towel. I changed into it quickly and hoped the doctor would come before I got so cold my nipples tore through the thing.

  Then I stared at a giant poster that featured the interior cross section of a man and woman’s sex organs until the doctor arrived.

  The first thing I thought when I saw her was that she looked like my first grade teacher. But I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing. She shook my hand and smiled before sitting down and addressing the form I’d filled out which was now in her possession.

  “Hi Kate. I’m Dr. Walsh.”

  “Hi.”

  “You want to discuss birth control options?”

  I nodded. “I think I’d like to go on the pill.”

  “Have you tried other types of contraception?”

  “Condoms,” I said. “But they can break, and sometimes guys don’t want to wear them.”

  “If a guy doesn’t care enough about you to wear a condom, you shouldn’t be having sex with him.”

  “I know,” I said. But it wasn’t always that simple. Surely she knew that?

  “You are aware that even if you’re using the pill to prevent pregnancy, your partner still needs to wear a condom to protect you from sexually transmitted infections?”

  I nodded.

  “Until you are in a committed long term relationship where both you and your partner have been tested.”

  “Of course.”

  What happened after that was a bit of a blur. She started the exam by taking my blood pressure which was fine, but then things got weird. Except weird probably isn’t the word because she was really professional about it. If you can use the word “professional” to describe how someone feels you up and looks at your crotch.

  I wished she hadn’t shown me the speculum before she used it, though. I think she thought it might put me at ease, but seeing that giant plastic beak sort of had the opposite effect. But soon all I could think about was how weird it was to have a woman between my legs.

  And it occurred to me at one point that she probably could’ve set me straight better than anyone about what most girls my age were doing with their downstairs landscaping. But I didn’t ask because I was too preoccupied with holding still and trying to relax so we wouldn’t have an accident with the cold plastic vagina opener.

  Fortunately, she said that everything looked good internally. In fact, she even went so far as to say I had a very healthy looking cervix. She said it looked like a tiny donut. Which got me wondering how long it had been since I’d had one.

  Of course, the pleasant distraction disappeared as soon as she said she was going to give me a smear test. Because smear wasn’t a strong enough word. It felt more like a scrape test, like she was scraping my insides with sandpaper. I was shocked to discover it had only been a tiny Q-tip.

  “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  “No,” I said. If anything, I preferred the momentary discomfort of the smear test to the awkwardness of her spelunking up my vag with a flashlight.

  When the doctor was done violating me for my own good, she told me that once they confirmed that the results of the smear test were normal, they would call me. Then I could come pick up some birth control. It was so easy! I couldn’t believe it.

  As I walked back to where Dawn was sitting in the waiting room, my vagina still felt a little cold and lubey. But it seemed a small price to pay for the peace of mind I would have once I got the pill.

  “So?” She closed her Reader’s Digest and tossed it down on a messy pile of worn magazines. “How’d it go?”

  “Fine,” I said. “I can come back and get the pill as soon as they get the results of my smear test.”

  She looked down at the plastic bag in my hand.

  “They didn’t want me to leave empty handed today, though,” I said, explaining away the full bag of condoms that would probably last me through college. “You should tell Craig he’s getting ripped off at CVS.”

  Dawn rolled her eyes and smiled. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

  I put my hand out to help her up and then we headed for the door.

  “Thanks for bringing me here,” I said when we were halfway to the car.

  “Your sexual health is important.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  “You can take it from here though, right?” she asked. “Or do you want Carol to come with you next time?”

  “Oh my god no!” I said. “She would absolutely freak if she thought I was even thinking about sex.”

  “I was joking,” Dawn said. “But I bet she would be impressed to know how well you handled yourself in there.”

  “She would kill you if she knew.” I regretted the words as soon as I’d said them.

  “She’ll have to hurry up,” Dawn said, slumping into the passenger seat.

  I knew it was unfair to expect her to be brave all the time, but I hated when she said stuff like that.

  She dismissed it with a smile. “Anyway, did the doctor lecture you properly about condoms?”

  “She did.”

  “Cause I know what guys are like. They’ll tell you it doesn’t feel the same, that they’ll pull out, that they’ve been tested, that it’s no big deal.”

  I nodded. I’d heard it all before.

  “But it is a big deal.”

  “I know.”

  “You know what’s an even bigger deal?”

  I shook my head.

  “Having to tell a man you love that if he wants to be with you, you either have to have protected sex forever or risk that he might get whatever you have.”

  “That would be awful. I can’t even imagine-”

  “It happens.” She shook her head. “All the time. People think they’re just living in the moment and that it won’t happen to them, and then BAM. They can never have a casual hook up again.”

  I furrowed my brow. “Are you trying to tell me that you have an S-”

  “No.”

  “Okay, good. Cause-”

  “But I did.”

  “What?”

  “I got chlamydia in college.”

  “Jesus.”

  “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

  I just stared at her.

  “And not from a one night stand either. From my boyfriend.”

  Shit.

  “That’s how I realized he was cheating on me.”

  “What a scumbag.”

  “The point is, I was lucky.”

  “Lucky?”

  “Yeah. For three reasons.” She raised a hand to count them out on h
er fingers. “Because I was in a relationship, I hadn’t exposed anyone else to the risk. So I never had to break the news to someone that I might have given them something nasty.”

  “Ugh.”

  “Also, I had visible symptoms, and a lot of people don’t. That’s why it’s so important to get in the habit of getting tested regularly if you’re-”

  “What kind of symptoms did you have?”

  “I guess it’s different for everybody,” she said, “but for me it was like having a really heavy period for two months straight. It was so messed up. Very unpleasant.”

  “Sounds like it.”

  “And the last reason I was lucky is that chlamydia is curable. So I went to the health clinic and got some medicine for it, and then I was okay.”

  “Whoa.”

  “I know. So many of them aren’t curable, and they’re becoming more common all the time.”

  I nodded.

  “I’d say I don’t mean to scare you but that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

  “Yeah, well. It’s working.”

  “Good. Cause there are many things I want for you, but a dangerous, infected vagina isn’t one of them.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “Never be a fool. Always wrap his tool.”

  I laughed. “Where did you get that?”

  Dawn shrugged. “From a pamphlet in the waiting room.”

  I shook my head and buckled my seat belt.

  “You get the message though?”

  “I do,” I said, sticking the key in the ignition. “So what happened to the boyfriend?”

  “Who gives a shit? Don’t get me wrong. I know he didn’t mean to give me chlamydia, but it was no accident that he fooled around behind my back.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But it’s natural for people to come and go from your life. All you can do is try to take the good memories with you and learn from your mistakes. Including the people that were mistakes.”

  I swallowed.

  She looked out the window and lowered her voice so much she was almost talking to herself. “The best you can hope for is that your mistakes don’t follow you around for the rest of your life.” Then she turned back to me. “That’s where safe sex comes in.”

  “Right.”

  “Nothing will follow you like the mistakes you make when you have unprotected sex.”

  “I get it.”

  “Good,” she said. “Would you mind swinging through the Dairy Queen drive thru on the way home?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’d like to spoil my dinner with a dipped cone.” She smiled. “Just in case they don’t have them in Hell.”

  “You mean Heaven?”

  She shrugged. “It’s all the same,” she said. “Just like it is here.”

  Chapter 22: Dawn

  Tina agreed to come over while Kate was at school because I didn’t have the energy to meet her out, and I was too sick to put off making the arrangements for after my death any longer. But it was surreal trying to think of myself in the past tense, trying to think of everything so I wouldn’t be a burden after I died.

  I hoped my friends and family would celebrate my life. I hoped they might mention me from time to time after I was gone. I knew at least a few of them would. What I was going to give to Tina would make sure of that.

  But it wasn’t going to be easy to look my best friend in the eye and ask her to tie up my loose ends. Unfortunately, I was out of options and out of time. All I could do was try and make it through another day and hope Tina could be strong for both of us.

  At least I was home. At least I was going to spend my last nights in my own bed with my favorite mug and the knowledge that Snarls was being looked after.

  I can’t believe I thought I could gallop off into the South American sunset and outrun this thing. Like dying was going to be like bursting into flames. Cause it wasn’t like that at all. It was more like being a tiny flickering candle. Like I was on the verge of becoming so weak that a strong gust of wind might extinguish me at any moment.

  If Kate hadn’t shown up when she did, I would be dying in a dirty hostel somewhere without my pain pills, surrounded by strangers. And even though I didn’t recognize myself anymore, at least I was around people who loved me enough to pretend they could still see me through my cancerous cloak.

  It made me want to cry to see how sweet everyone was being, but I didn’t even have the energy to feel sorry for myself.

  At least I finished my book. Or my letter. Whatever it was. My thoughts. And I was glad because I found working on it satisfying. Like it would’ve been worth it even if no one ever read it.

  Recording what I learned over the years helped me find some peace, some closure. It was almost like I didn’t know how I felt about things until I wrote about them. And even though it wasn’t going to change the world, I had fun with it.

  It was a shame I wasn’t counseling anymore because I would have recommended writing to all my clients. It seemed to me that people who weren’t dying had even more to gain from the clarity that written self-reflection could provide.

  Best of all, working on it made me feel like I was in control of something despite everything, and I liked the pressure of trying to immortalize my thoughts. Especially when I could do it by performing an act as simple as arranging words. It was like doing the best kind of puzzle, a puzzle that could be put together any way I wanted.

  I was so proud of it I wanted to give it a name. Thoughts on Life by an Old Cancerous Fart. Or Letters From Beyond. Or Six People You Should Sleep With- though that only scratched the surface of what I tried to cover. It was too bad Ps I Love You was taken. That pretty much said it all. But I couldn’t decide on anything. So I’d have to let it speak for itself.

  When the doorbell rang, I already had two drinks and a plate full of store bought brownies on the coffee table. I figured just because my appetite was shit didn't mean other people didn't have to eat. And I wasn’t dead yet. I could still appreciate the smell of decadent chocolate brownies, especially since I’d given up the cigs.

  “Dawn.” Tina stepped in the doorway and gave me a hug that was big, but not too tight.

  “Hey.”

  “How are you feeling?” Tina asked as she made her way to the couch.

  “Not as bad as I look.”

  She smiled.

  “Thanks for coming. I know it’s kind of a drag for me to ask you to do all this stuff, but-”

  “Not at all,” she said. “I’m happy to help.”

  “Okay.” I lowered myself down on the sofa. I knew I was the one that had changed, but I swear Tina looked better than ever. I leaned over and grabbed my checklist off the coffee table and sighed.

  “Let’s start from the beginning,” she suggested.

  “The beginning.”

  “Like right after you die, what do I have to do?” She teared up. “Before I fall apart.”

  I reached out and held her hand for a second. “Okay.” I scanned the list then I slid a bag out from under the coffee table and reached inside. “First of all, I want to be cremated.”

  “Cremated?”

  “Yeah. It’s not like there’s a church full of people that need to say goodbye to me, and I don’t even believe in God or Heaven or any of that stuff. So I don’t want to be buried in line with a bunch of people like the Terracotta Warriors. I want to do my own thing.”

  “What if I want to visit you?”

  I tilted my head. “Well I suppose you can visit me wherever you want because I really don’t care what you do with my ashes.”

  “You don’t care?”

  “No,” I said. “Surprise me.”

  “Surprise you?”

  “Yeah, I honestly don’t care if you chuck me out the window on a windy day or put me in the river or flush me down the toilet. Just surprise me.”

  She shook her head. I knew her religiosity was mostly a ruse for her god-fearing husband, but she obviously didn’t approv
e. “I’m not going to flush you down the toilet, Dawn.”

  “It wasn’t my first choice. I just want you to be open to the possibilities. You could always put me in the ashtray of your car, and I could drive around with you wherever you go.”

  “I’m not going to do that either. I’ll do anything you want. All you have to do is ask.”

  “I want to be surprised.”

  She sighed. “Fair enough.”

  “I can be specific about what I’d like to wear, though.” I lifted a pair of pants out of the bag. “I want to be burned in these jeans and a white t-shirt.”

  “Jeans? Really?”

  “Yeah. Why not?” I asked. “You can go anywhere in jeans.”

  “I guess.”

  “I was going to wear my leather jacket or my leather pants, but Kate might want them.”

  “Good thinking.”

  “Actually, I want you to offer her all my clothes and jewelry. But tell her I don’t expect her to keep everything. Just whatever she wants.”

  “Okay.”

  “Same goes for my apartment.”

  “Your apartment?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “It’s almost paid off, and it’s the only thing of any value I have to leave her.”

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  “And I know it’s a lot to ask, but I was hoping that if she doesn’t want to live here right away- like if she goes to school out of state- you could keep an eye on it or help her find a renter or something?”

  “Of course.”

  “That way she’ll have an asset and some spending money.”

  “Leave it with me, Dawn. I’ll look after her like she was my own.”

  “I know, Tina. Thanks. You have no idea how much that means to me.” I felt a lump in my throat. “I know Carol can look after her like she always has, but I want to help.”

  She pursed her lips and nodded. “I understand.”

  “I thought maybe I could put you in charge of my pictures, too?” I pointed down the hallway towards my room. “They’re all in shoe boxes in my closet. There’s one for you, one for Carol, and one for Kate. Your box has some souvenirs from trips we went on, too. I thought you’d appreciate that stuff more than anyone.” When I looked back at her, her eyes were watering.

  “Thanks,” she said.