All Falls Down

by Morgen, Ayden K.

  "She's not going to die," I promise. It's not one I should be making when Kit's lost so much already, but the words slip out before I can call them back.

  It seems to be what she needs to hear.

  She sighs softly.

  "Can I stay with you tonight?" She looks so tired.

  "Of course you can." I climb from the bed to move my dress back to the closet and then pull the covers back.

  Kit wriggles around until she's underneath them and then curls into a ball. It reminds me of all the times we shared a bed when we were younger. She always slept in that same tiny ball, completely hidden beneath the covers.

  I've missed her so much.

  Why did I leave with Toby?

  "I'll be here if you need me," I promise her, turning out the light before I climb back into the bed beside her.

  Within moments, she's fast asleep.

  It's after midnight, and Kit's still sleeping deeply. I'm exhausted – mentally, physically, and emotionally spent – but I can't find peace enough to sleep. I've taken a long shower, swallowed a pain pill, and my mind is still my own worst enemy.

  Why did I leave with him?

  The question refuses to dislodge now that it's bubbled to the surface, and I have no answer. None that doesn't hurt, anyway. I left for him. I loved him, and I believed him. I think part of me still believes him.

  I don't belong here.

  Giving up on sleep, I slide from the bed, pulling a blanket tightly around me. I slip through the guesthouse and out onto the porch. Aside from the rush of wind through the expanse of trees littering the property, it's quiet out. The moon is a sliver far off in the distance, the mansion a deeper shadow in the night.

  I crawl up onto the wide railing carefully and rest my head back against the column. When I pull my feet up, my back protests. I lower them again, staring out into the night. I can't forget what Kit said. It mixes with other memories – the ones I came here to forget – and the resulting cacophony is too great to ignore.

  "Why?" The question is a whisper, but it's all I can manage as I take in the scene before me. My boyfriend and my friend are in our bed together.

  My body is numb, frozen.

  "What did you expect me to do, Savannah? You're frigid!" Toby sneers at me, jerking his jeans on. "I'm a man. I have needs."

  "Maybe I should go," Laney says, hurriedly tossing her clothes on and refusing to look at me.

  I stand in the doorway amidst a shower of broken glass, tears running down my cheeks.

  After everything, I still haven't met his needs.

  I'm suddenly tired of trying, of never being good enough.

  "No," I whisper, shaking my head in stunned disbelief. "I'll go."

  "Maybe you should," Toby snaps, buttoning his jeans. His dark eyes flash. He's angry with me again. "Maybe your little rich friends will take you back." He sneers again.

  Katrina!

  Oh Kit, I miss you so much.

  "Maybe," I whisper.

  Toby laughs, the sound full of cruel condescension.

  I turn to leave and slip on the glass and water at my feet.

  "Oh!" I cry out and try to grab the door handle, but it's too late. My feet come out from beneath me. I fall hard. Searing pain lances through me almost immediately, burning.

  I can't catch my breath and my back hurts.

  "Fuck!" Toby yells. "Laney, call an ambulance."

  "I'm fine," I try to say, but that hurts too. I briefly wonder if this is going to kill me. It hurts so badly, as if I've been ripped in two. I try to roll over and cry out in pain.

  Glass crunches beneath me.

  Toby falls to his knees beside me and reaches out. He's so angry with me. His hands come up in front of me, smeared red. "You're not fine, Savannah. You're bleeding. God, you are so fucking clumsy–"

  The sight of my blood on his hands while he yells at me is too much.

  I black out, his insults ringing in my ears.

  "Can't sleep?" Jared's voice sounds from off to my right and I jerk, crying out in alarm.

  "Sorry," he mutters and steps from beneath the shadows of the massive oak growing wild beside the guesthouse. I can barely make him out. He's just a long, dark shadow stretched across the rolling grass.

  "I didn't hear you." My voice is thick from the tears spilling unnoticed down my cheeks.

  "Sorry," he says again and moves closer.

  I hurriedly swipe at my cheeks as his feet hit the stairs and he starts making his way up onto the porch. I can see him more clearly now and he looks… tired. Stepping up beside me, he places his hands on the railing, staring out into the yard. His broad shoulders are slumped, his head bowed.

  I have the sudden urge to say… something… to ease him, but I don't know what.

  I swipe at my tears again.

  He whips his head in my direction. Green eyes land on my face and widen.

  My fingers still on my cheeks.

  I get caught up in his gaze. It's soft and open, and warmth shoots through me.

  He tilts his head to the side, shifting closer. "You're crying. Why?"

  "I'm no–" I drop my hands back to my lap, fidgeting under the weight of his gaze on me. "Some things are deserving of tears," I say vaguely instead of finishing that lie.

  "And some people aren't," he retorts.

  "I wouldn't know." I don't know why I lie again, but I don't want this man to see me vulnerable. I don't want to share my tears or the reasons for them with him. And I don't like the way he says that, so softly, as if he's guessed that I'm not out here crying over Matthew.

  He shifts again, but I can't bring myself to look at him. He's confusing to me. I don't even know him, so I don't know how that's even possible, but it is.

  He doesn't say anything for a long moment. And then, "Katie talks about you a lot."

  "Does she?" I whisper, surprised. My head shoots up from the blanket.

  He's staring out at the yard again, but he jerks his head in a nod. "She's missed you."

  "I missed her, too." I clear my throat. I'm so uncomfortable and I don't even know why. "She's a good friend."

  "She says the same about you."

  "Does she?" I can't hide my surprise this time either.

  How can I be a good friend when I've barely spoken to Kit in two years?

  Two years.

  I have no excuse. Nothing except for him.

  God, how could I have been so stupid?

  "She does." Jared doesn't offer anything else, but his silence isn't cold. It's simple.

  I want to laugh at that because, even though I don't know this man, nothing about him is simple. He's a puzzle. Complex, complicated, something you have to assemble piece by piece.

  "How long have you been gone?"

  "Two years." I can't hide the disgust in my own voice. It's directed solely at me. So much has happened in two years and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing but healing scars across my back and new wounds in places that won't heal any time soon.

  "England?"

  "Italy."

  "Ah."

  I think I hear… something in his voice. I'm not sure.

  "College or pleasure?"

  "College," I answer quickly and then change the subject, not willing to have this discussion with him. Maybe not even willing to have it with myself yet. I don't know. It's too close. Too fresh. "How's Lexi?"

  He tenses the moment her name leaves my lips. "She'll be fine. You should go in. We have to be at the church early tomorrow." I don't know what I said wrong, but he's suddenly brusque again, curt, like he was at the airport. He turns and makes his way down the stairs without another word.

  Once again, I'm left with the distinct impression that I should apologize and I don't even know why.

  Why doesn't he like me?

  "I'm sorry," I whisper, watching him walk away.

  "Goodnight, Savannah," I hear him say before the oak swallows his shadow again.

  It's a long time before I move.


  The funeral is beautiful, if such a thing can be beautiful. Reverend Haynes knew Matthew well and speaks eloquently about the kind of man he was – compassionate, generous, happy. By the time the choir finishes the final hymn all five hundred attendees are in tears. Everyone except me, anyway. I can't seem to find the tears Matthew deserves.

  Madeline and Kit sob openly, one on either side of me. Lexi clings tightly to Jared, his arm around her. Her face is pale and tears streak silently down her face. I've never seen her so heartbroken or so stunning before. Jared stares straight ahead, his jaw tense. He's so angry, but he's as beautiful as Lexi. Her perfect match.

  The thought makes me ache, though I don't know why.

  His family is arrayed on his other side, his father comforting his mother and teenage sister. They seem to know the sisters well. I don't know them, but I'm glad they came to pay their final respects to Matthew.

  My gaze moves back to Lexi just as she glances in my direction. She attempts to smile at me, but her lip quivers and the smile doesn't come. She turns toward the front of the church again, another tear rolling down her cheek.

  "Please stand," the reverend says.

  Shifts and sniffles resound throughout the vast church. Five hundred people rise to their feet and bow their heads. Kit and Madeline cling to my arms and I barely manage to get us all three up. My back throbs. My head hurts. I've barely slept. I wrap my arms around the girls anyway and allow them to cry on my shoulders.

  Reverend Haynes begins the final prayer.

  I feel eyes on me as he waxes on about heaven and the great things waiting for all of us there. I lift my head to find Jared staring at me. His eyes meet mine briefly and my heart rate picks up. He looks so–

  He jerks his gaze away before I can place the emotion.

  I lower mine again, shivering.

  A line begins to form down the center aisle. Madeline and Kit both bury their heads into my chest, unable to watch people approach the closed casket in ones and twos to say a final, private goodbye. The sounds of weeping intensify as mourners exit the building, tear-stained and regally dressed women led by stoic, well-dressed men.

  Madeline cries out, "Daddy" echoing from the rafters.

  God, I hate funerals.

  "How's she doing?" Jared asks from the doorway.

  I'm sitting beside Madeline on her bed, stroking her hair. I glance up to find that he's removed his suit jacket and tie. The top button of his shirt is undone… I shift my gaze back to Madeline.

  "She's sleeping," I whisper the obvious, being quiet so as not to wake her.

  It's been a difficult day for her. We finally had to give her a sedative an hour ago. She begged me not to leave her and I didn't have the heart to resist. I've been sitting beside her since, thinking.

  "That's good."

  I see Jared step into the room, but I keep my gaze firmly on Madeline's blonde ringlets. I'm too tired to examine why he makes me so jittery. I've been trying to sort it out all day. Every single time I glanced up to find him staring at me, as a matter of fact.

  It happened often, and I don't know why.

  "How's Lexi?" I ask, reaching out to pull Madeline's pink and brown quilt more closely around her. My hand brushes her cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She is such a pretty girl. She'll be radiant in a few years, ravishing like Lexi and Kit.

  "Sleeping," he murmurs.

  "Kit?"

  "Grayson's with her." He takes another step into the room.

  "That's good," I mumble. Grayson and Kit go to school together. I think she's in love with him, but I don't know. Once again, my failure as a friend burns. How did I let it get so bad that I don't even know who she's dating? If she's dating?

  I shake my head, not ready to examine that question now. Maybe later, when I'm alone.

  "You were really good with them today," Jared comments.

  "It was the least I could do." I twist my fingers together, avoiding his gaze. I'm not sure I'm ready to face him yet. "They mean a lot to me."

  Even though I haven't acted like it in the last two years, it's true. Katrina and Madeline have always been dear to me. Lexi, too. I hate myself for not coming back sooner. For not being a real friend. For letting him convince me that I was doing them a favor by staying away. Maybe he wasn't wrong about that part of it, but I'm no longer sure he was right, either.

  Nothing is clear to me anymore.

  "So I see." Jared's quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry if I've been an ass."

  I blink, and this time I do glance up at him.

  He's staring down at Madeline, a sad frown on his face. There's an air about him, as if he's carrying a heavy weight. He's tired, stressed, seemingly in turmoil. And then he lifts his head, his expression severe. "I'm very protective of this family."

  I understand what he's getting at even without him saying it outright. I'm the daughter of their former maid, a nobody in their world. One who's been out of the country for the last two years. I should be used to not being trusted in this world, but hearing it from him in such a way hurts.

  "I'm sure Lexi appreciates that," I manage to say, my tone falsely bright.

  His expression falls. "Savannah, I didn't mean–"

  His eyes are so green, so clear.

  My stomach flutters again.

  "It's fine," I mutter, not wanting him to know that he's affected me, hurt me.

  He opens his mouth to say something else, but doesn't. He simply expels a breath and rips his gaze away from mine. I'm instantly cold.

  "You should eat something," he says as if he knows I've eaten nothing all day.

  "I will," I venture and then, "Can I ask you a question?"

  He nods.

  "Kit says Matthew's death wasn't an accident." It's not really a question, but I can't bring myself to ask outright if someone really killed him. It's just too awful to even consider.

  "It wasn't," Jared says and then looks at me again, his gaze cold this time. "No one outside the immediate family and police know." He nods at Madeline. "She doesn't know. Keep it that way."

  "Oh." I'm at a loss about how to respond to that. "I'm sorry," I finally say though I don't know if I'm apologizing because it happened, because I know, or simply because he makes me feel as if I should.

  At least with Toby, I knew why I was apologizing. Not knowing is worse, I think.

  Jared just stares at me, seeming frustrated.

  I don't have the energy to be here with him anymore. To see him staring at me like that.

  I need out.

  "Can you sit with her?" I blurt as he rakes a hand through his hair and sighs.

  He drops his arm, surprise flickering across his face.

  "I need to get something to eat." I curse myself for giving in to the need to explain to him. I'm allowed to need a minute alone, aren't I?

  The way he looks at me makes me think the answer to that question is an emphatic and resounding no.

  "Of course." He nods again, his expression blank.

  I struggle to my feet, unable to contain the pained hiss that escapes my lips. I've been sitting in an awkward position too long. My back doesn't appreciate it.

  I straighten slowly, biting my lip against the urge to cry out.

  "What's wrong?" Genuine concern swims through Jared's expression, throwing me off-balance all over again.

  "Nothing," I lie, trying to slip past him.

  "Savannah." His hand lands on my arm. "What's wrong?"

  "I said nothing," I snap and pull away from the warmth of his touch. My scars are my own, too fresh and too private to share. And, God help me, I don't want this beautiful man to know what I allowed to happen to me.

  He doesn't try to stop me when I slip past him this time.

  Chapter Three: Hurt Me

  I make my way down the stairs, and sigh in relief to find that the throng of mourners has thinned considerably. Those who remain are close family friends, board members from T.I., distant relatives, and in all probability, the morb
id few who will keep the gossip-mill running for weeks. None pay the least bit of attention to me, however.

  I slip quietly through the family rooms and into the kitchen, out of sorts and aching. I shouldn't have snapped at Jared, I know this, but he runs so hot and cold. Lukewarm and cold, really. I can't keep up. One minute, he's so gentle. And the next, he's scowling at me as if I've done something wrong.

  I'm offended by his implication that I might bring harm to the sisters in some way. It's nothing I haven't heard before – in great length and detail – but the insinuation hurts nonetheless. When Toby said it, it was simply a way to manipulate, control, and wound. Just another way to keep me dependent upon him, to break me. Acknowledging this hurts more than it should, but he can't wound me anymore. The physical scars I carry – the days spent alone in the hospital – are enough.

  Jared though….

  He's an unknown intrusion into my fragile bubble. A mystery.

  It scares me that I find myself so at odds around him. He's no one to me – I am no one to him – and yet, the way he speaks to me hurts. I feel so inadequate, constantly apologizing for some failure I don't understand. This is how I felt with Toby. How he wanted me to feel. Enduring it again here and now is disconcerting, painful.

  Everything here is so confusing and I'm lost. In everything. I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, and for this moment at least, Katrina needs me. After this… well, I don't know where to go from here. My future is mine and it's overwhelming. I never had a plan beyond school. And I don't even know where to begin making one now.

  Sometimes I think that being manipulated and controlled is easier than this. But I'm not that girl anymore and I don't want to be. I'm just… me. A nobody.

  That hurts, too.

  I make my way into the kitchen to find Lexi standing in front of the chrome coffee pot, staring blankly out the window. Raindrops run down the flawless glass like tears. Fitting that the sky should cry on a day like this.

  Matthew is really gone. My heart aches all over again. I want to cry that this isn't fair, that he deserved better, but who really listens anyway?

  "Hi, Lexi," I say instead, not wanting to scare her. She's been so jumpy today. I can't help but remember what Kit shared with me last night.