All Falls Down
Page 14
It's more than I've ever had.
"Savannah?" he asks, shifting toward me. "What's wrong?"
Concern swims in his gaze.
"Nothing's wrong," I say, though I'm not sure exactly how true that is. There's nothing any more wrong than usual. It's just that my mind bounces again and again to my conversation with Kit this afternoon, and I hate where it leads me.
"I quit school for Toby," I blurt out.
Jared knows this already, but I need to hear it out loud. I need to say it out loud again, I think.
Storm clouds roll through his eyes. His fingers slip through my hair, but he doesn't say anything.
"I'm not even sure why," I continue. "I worked so hard to get my scholarship, and then I just let him tell me that I had to give it up. You'd think I'd know why, but I realized today that I don't." Like so much else in my life, there is no definitive reason I can point to. There is no specific memory I can pull up and say, "This right here is where I became that girl. The one who gives up her dreams because some guy tells her that she has to."
It happened gradually. He didn't want me wearing certain things, so I didn't. He didn't want me talking to certain people, so I didn't. He wanted me to go to Italy with him instead of to England, so I did. He told me I had to quit school or find somewhere else to live, so I quit. His constant berating wore me down until I lost myself little by little, piece by piece, more willing to give up my dreams than to deal with him screaming names at me and throwing things.
No matter how hard I think about it, I can't figure out where it started, or why.
Even now, after thinking all day, I still don't know.
All I know is that I let him turn me into that cowardly girl.
I want to be someone else, someone who doesn't let fear stand in her way.
"I want to go back to school," I announce quietly.
Part of me expects Jared to tell me no, not because he's anything like Toby, but because Toby is the only standard of measure I have. Instinctively, I know Jared is as different from him as the sun is from the moon, but part of me still expects him to say no anyway.
He smiles at me instead, pride in his eyes. "I'll take you to register next week."
No argument. No fuss. Just instant acceptance of what I want.
"Where do you want to go?" he asks.
"I'm not sure." I haven't really thought it through that far. "Probably City College. They have literature classes."
"They do."
"I just want to take a class or two, get back into the swing of things."
"I'm not going to try to change your mind, Savannah," he says, watching me intently again. "I'll support you whether you want to take one class or five. Whatever you want, beautiful girl."
"I know," I whisper, feeling guilty part of me ever expected him to say no. "I'm just trying to work it out for myself."
"You're scared."
"Is it weird that I think I may have forgotten how to be a student? What if I suck at it?"
"I highly doubt you'll suck at it." He smiles that crooked smile again, the one that makes my stomach flip. "I've seen the books you read."
"It's the writing part I might suck at."
"You won't."
"I might."
"I want to kiss you right now," he says, his voice husky.
I think he's just trying to divert my attention.
It works. I lick my lips, my eyes moving to his mouth. I want to kiss him too.
"We can't," I whisper, regret heavy in my voice.
"I know, but that doesn't mean I don't want to." He shoots me a wicked grin.
I jump when his hand suddenly slips from playing with my hair to beneath the collar of my shirt. His fingers are electric heat on my bare shoulder. He squeezes.
"You won't suck at being a student. You'll wow your professors, and I'll get to tell you that I'm the luckiest bastard on the planet to have such a smart girlfriend."
"You aren't a bastard," I mutter, my heart racing over the fact that he called me his girlfriend. It's such a little thing, but it means something to me. It means everything to me.
"Maybe not," he concedes, "but I am lucky." His hand glides across my collarbone and down until his fingertips brush across my nipple. His eyes never leave mine, the jade color bright in the fading light. "You're incredible, beautiful girl, and when this is over, anyone with sense will envy me because I have you."
"You do have me," I say. He has no idea how completely he has me or how much I'm looking forward to his pretense with Lexi ending. I want to belong to him in the light of day just like I do when the clock strikes midnight. I can't wait for the day I get to kiss him on the porch swing, or make love to him in the backyard while the stars twinkle overhead and the world envies me this beautiful, breathtaking man. Every little part of me wants it.
"You have me too, you know." His fingers circle my nipple before he squeezes my breast once and slips his hand from my shirt. He rises to his feet before lifting me to mine. "You have me for as long as you want me."
I place my hand in his, the word forever whispering in my mind. I don't say it though. It's more than I'm ready for right now, bigger than I think I can handle.
Instead I say, "Kit knows something's going on."
"Hmm?" He lets go of my hand and opens the door, allowing me to enter first. The second the door closes behind him, he has his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me back against him. His lips brush across my cheek.
The tension in my body unravels when his chest presses against my back. I melt into him, closing my eyes to savor the way he wraps himself around me, cradling me in his strong arms.
"She suspects you and Lexi aren't really together and that something else is going on," I finally say, reveling in this moment when my fairytale begins all over again. It's not midnight yet, but it doesn't matter. This is still the us that I crave. The us that makes the days tolerable and makes me forget that I was ever the pathetic, frightened girl Toby turned me into. When Jared touches me, I don't feel pathetic. I feel strong. Powerful.
Who wouldn't want to get lost in that for a little while?
"I know," he murmurs after a minute, his chin atop my shoulder. His breath washes across the side of my face, sweet and minty.
"You know?" I frown.
"I know," he repeats and then he sighs and releases me, allowing me to turn to him. "She heard Lexi talking about Matthew."
I hate the way he grimaces when he says Matthew's name, and the way guilt washes through his expression.
Will he ever realize that it wasn't his fault?
"She has a right to know the whole truth. Not knowing is a bigger danger for her."
He rests his forehead against mine. "I know," he says quietly. "But Lexi thinks Katrina's safer not knowing, and I promised to keep quiet. I can't break that promise now." He looks so tired suddenly, as if he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders again.
"How do you do it?" I whisper to him. "How do you hold it all up?" The question sounds awed, but I am in awe of him. He's only twenty-nine, but he has it all together and is so good at it. Even though everything is so much harder than he expected, he deals with the situation the best way he knows how.
It's baffling to me that someone like him – someone so driven and in control – could want someone like me. I'm a mess. I'm weak. I'm selfish. Parts of me are broken beyond repair. And he's none of those things. He doesn't have to pretend to be stronger or braver or someone better than he is. He's already all of those things.
"You have no idea how much this helps." He reaches out blindly and grasps my hand. "How much you help."
His eyes pop open.
The way he focuses on me so completely takes my breath away. He's not feeding me a line or saying what he thinks I want to hear. He's telling me the truth as he sees it. Me, the girl who pretends and avoids and is a million different messed up things, makes it better for him.
I have no idea how to tell him everything I want to say i
n this moment. How to tell him that I'm falling in love with him, that I already want forever with him, that I admire him more than I can say. I don't try.
Instead, I give him the kiss he wanted outside.
Chapter Thirteen: Carry On
Kit leaves the following morning, barely speaking to me. I ache to tell her the truth, but when Jared catches my gaze across the driveway, he shakes his head slightly.
I hug her hard and tell her that I'm sorry instead.
She doesn't really respond, and I don't blame her.
Maddi breaks down sobbing when Kit drives away. Lexi has tears in her eyes.
Kit's dorm on campus suddenly seems so much farther than a simple twenty minute drive away. I send up another silent prayer for her safety. I'm pretty sure I've used up my lifetime allotment of prayers, but I keep sending them up anyway. Whoever or whatever is in charge up there has to answer sometime, right?
When Lexi takes a still crying Madeline inside, Jared steps up behind me. He's not too close, but his shadow falls over me as if offering a bit of shade in the middle of the desert. It engulfs me entirely, but I don't feel small. It's strange. I've felt nothing but small and overwhelmed by looming shadows for a long time, but with him there's none of that. All I feel is safe and warm when he's near me.
"You okay?" he asks me.
I nod.
I'm exhausted, but he has enough on his plate already. I don't have the heart to add to that with my own issues. And at the end of the day, the things that keep me awake at night are my issues. I just need to catch my breath for a minute, I think. And then maybe I can figure out how to start dealing with those issues.
"Lex and I have to go out tonight," Jared murmurs.
I turn slowly in his direction. He stands a few feet behind me, his arms crossed over his chest. The sun is a giant ball of vivid orange behind him. Chris lingers halfway down the drive, unobtrusively waiting.
"Oh," I say, blinking up at Jared. My heart lurches a little in my chest before settling down again. I don't know why his announcement takes me by surprise. It's not like I didn't know it was coming eventually. "I'll stay with Maddi," I mumble.
"That's not why I'm telling you, beautiful girl," he says, squinting at me.
"Where are you going?" I ask, striving for calm.
"A board function." He squeezes his eyes closed for a minute, pinches the bridge of his nose. "Stephan and his wife are expecting their third child."
"Oh," I say again. It's tradition at T.I. for the board to host a small dinner in honor of the expecting couple. It's always been a nice tradition, but this time my stomach clenches at the thought. I'm unable to forget for even a minute that someone on the board may be trying to kill Lexi. That someone on the board already murdered Matthew.
"Is it safe?"
"Yes."
I stare at him for a minute, not sure if he really means that or if he's just telling me what he thinks I need to hear. I'm honestly not sure I want to know which it is. I don't know exactly what an FBI agent does, but I know enough about what Jared does to know that it's not always safe. He doesn't always sit behind a desk, pretending to enjoy whatever position he's been forced to assume.
"Please be careful," I finally whisper, burying my hands in my pockets so I don't reach out to him.
His expression softens as he gazes down at me, his lips turning up at the corners. With the sun behind him, his eyes seem even more green than usual. They're brilliant spots of jade in a backdrop of orange and blue. "We won't be gone long, and Chris will be here with you and Maddi. I want you to stay with him until we get back."
I know he told Chris about me, but we haven't spoken more than a word or two to each other the entire time I've been here. I've honestly been a little scared to try to start a conversation with him since Jared told him the truth. What if he's angry? What if he hates me? A little voice in the back of my mind asks "what if he's like Toby?" but I push that thought away, refusing to even consider it.
I open my mouth to ask Jared if staying with his brother is really a good idea.
"Please," he says before I can say anything, "I need to know you're safe."
I close my mouth again and bob my head. My gaze shifts toward Chris. He's so big, nothing but rock solid muscle and towering height. His eyes meet mine for a minute, but he doesn't say anything. He just holds my gaze for a second and then inclines his head.
The move doesn't settle my stomach any.
"Hey, Lexi," I murmur early that evening when I spot her sitting in the conservatory, staring blankly out the window. She's wearing a gorgeous blue top and slacks, with her hair is piled up on top of her head in soft curls again. Her make-up is perfect, but she looks like hell. She has her legs drawn up, her chin on her knees with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs.
For the thousandth time, I try to put myself in her place, and I can't.
I cannot imagine how overwhelming it must be to suddenly become responsible for a global non-profit and an eleven-year-old child at the age of twenty-four… all while trying to keep anyone from knowing that something sinister bubbles right below the surface.
Despite having every reason in the world to be a broken heap in the middle of the floor, she's still standing. I've never had the inner strength and confidence to fight back how she does. Life's always just kind of tossed me around exactly like a buoy.
"Hey," Lexi whispers after a moment, turning her head in my direction. She scoots over in the window seat a little, making room for me. "Sit with me," she says before turning back to the window.
I cross the room and ease down next to her.
"She'll be okay," I tell her when I spot what holds her attention.
Maddi's on the swing again, twisting back and forth. She looks so sad with her shoulders hunched and her lips pulled down into a sad frown.
"She's going back to school on Monday. I told her today."
"Oh."
I can only imagine how that conversation went down.
"She'll forgive you for it," I tell Lexi.
"I hope so," she sighs and presses her forehead to the glass. "I'd keep her here if I could, but she's been out for over a month now. I have to go back to work." The glass makes a screeching sound as she moves her head back and forth against it. "God, Savannah, how did you do it for so long?"
"Do what?" I ask, mystified.
She leans away from the window again when Chris appears, prompting Maddi to stand up and walk toward him. Blowing a stray curl out of her face, Lexi waves her hand around. "This. Life. Hold it together. You went off on your own to a foreign country at nineteen with that jerk, and you held it together. Even with everything he put you through, you never asked for help. You dealt with everything he threw at you and came out the other side whole. How?"
"I didn't," I answer, glancing down at my lap.
The hem of my shorts is frayed. I focus on that.
"What do you mean?"
I think for a minute. "I mean that I didn't live. I didn't deal with it. I didn't come out the other side whole. I just pretended it wasn't really happening to me." My laugh is bitter, humorless. "Until I walked in on him and my friend, I couldn't even admit to myself that the way he treated me was seriously wrong. I was a coward, and in the end, I got burned for it. Pretending doesn't make the problem go away. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It just means that when the pieces fall, you're too messed up to figure out how to put them back together again."
I hate that she's searching for answers in my life. There are no answers there. There's just heartache and grief, and so many mistakes, I can't breathe beneath the weight of them most of the time.
Lexi deserves more than that.
"You don't want that kind of life," I tell her, so certain of this fact, my voice shakes. "It may seem easier to just pretend, but the truth is that it's hell. Every day, it's hell. You lose a little bit more of yourself every time you put on that fake smile and pretend that you're okay and can do it all alone. No one can. And in the
end, you will hate yourself for it. I know I do."
She's quiet for a minute before she loops an arm through mine and squeezes.
"I know you're right. I just feel as if I'm already losing myself. I have to be a CEO and a mom to Maddi and Kit. I don't know how to do that without Daddy."
"We help you do it," I tell her, beyond relieved to know she doesn't really think I'm some example to live by. "It doesn't make you weak to need help. It makes you human. Take it from me, you don't want to wake up one day and realize that you're alone and you let it happen."
"Do you hate Toby for what he did to you?" she asks me after a minute.
Do I hate him?
"I don't know." And I really don't. I don't love him. I don't miss him. And I certainly hate the things he said and did. The way he called me frigid and said it was my fault he turned to Laney. The way he treated me and the way I felt about myself with him… the way I feel about myself now. How he screamed and threw things or ignored me. I hate the things he wanted me to do for him in bed, and the way I felt afterward. I hate all of that, and I hate myself for letting it happen. But do I hate him?
I honestly don't know.
I think more than angry or outraged, I'm relieved. That he's gone, that I don't have to deal with him anymore… that I can be a better person now. That no one's going to scream and throw things at me. Or hurt me over and over.
Is that normal? Should there be some other emotion?
I don't know those answers either.
"Would it make it easier if you did?" Lexi asks.
"I don't know," I say honestly. "I felt small and weak with Toby. The thought of living the rest of my life hating him makes me feel microscopic. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me anymore. I just have to figure out how to take it away from him for good."
Lexi smiles at me, pride shining in her eyes. "You'll move on and leave him far behind."