"I hope so," I whisper, wanting nothing more than to be free entirely. God… I don't even remember what freedom truly means, but I want it so badly I can taste it. "I think–" I swallow. "I think I want that more than anything else. To be happy. To be free."
"Oh, Savannah." Lexi throws her arms around me, squeezing me hard. "You will be. I know it."
We're still locked in a tight hug when Jared clears his throat.
"We need to leave soon," he says softly, his gaze darting between the two of us.
I sit back, guilt pumping through me when my heart rate increases at the sight of him. He's in a three-piece suit and I just want to press myself against his chest and breathe him in.
"If Maddi needs anything–"
"She'll be fine," I promise, hating the guilty look on Lexi's face. She's allowed to leave Maddi for a few hours. "I heard Chris challenge her to a Mario Kart tournament earlier."
"Oh, lord," Lexi mutters just as Jared groans, "Not again."
Lexi actually laughs.
"You may need a whistle," Jared tells me when I glance between the two of them, not sure what the big deal is. "They both cheat."
"Oh." I try to imagine Chris cheating at Mario Kart, but I can't. He seems so frightening to me. And I'm not sure if that's because he knows about me and Jared or if it's because he's just that big. The sheer size of him overwhelms me, and I hate how weak I feel because of it.
"I need to use the ladies room before we go."
"Try to have fun tonight," I murmur when Lexi rises to her feet and hurries across the conservatory, tugging her clothes into place.
Jared and I stand there until her footsteps recede, and then he steps closer. "You okay, beautiful girl?" he asks, reaching out to stroke my cheek.
"Just girl talk," I tell him, nuzzling into his hand.
"I'll miss you tonight."
"You too." I allow him to lift me to my feet. "Be safe."
"Always."
He leans down, his mouth meeting mine.
"Wait for me," he says against my lips.
I press myself closer when he deepens the kiss, my arms going around him to keep him there. For long minutes, we kiss deeply, only breaking apart long enough to catch a breath before starting again. I'm drowning in him again, desperate for his kisses. They're all hard heat and soft lips. I can't get enough.
And then Chris clears his throat from the doorway.
I jump away from Jared.
My eyes meet Chris's over Jared's shoulder and I just want to sink through the floor. I can't believe he caught us kissing here! It could have been Madeline, or Lexi, or anyone.
"Breathe, beautiful girl," Jared whispers before turning to face Chris.
I take a breath, my gaze locked on the floor at his feet. My cheeks flame. Shame and mortification threaten to crush me. No one says a word for a long time. All I hear is the pounding of my heart, and I'm certain Chris is going to yell at both of us for being so careless and stupid with something so monumentally important.
This isn't a game, and there is no excuse for forgetting that for even a moment.
He doesn't yell though. Instead he says, "I was coming to see if you want to play video games with me and Mad, Savannah. She cheats, so I need back up."
My gaze shoots up to his face again.
He offers me a tentative smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
I'm not sure what that means or what to say, so I just stand there, staring.
"She'll be there in a minute," Jared finally answers for me.
"Cool." Chris shoots me another smile and then ducks out of the room.
My shoulders slump as he disappears around the corner.
I sink back down to the window seat and suck in a deep breath and then another.
"Hey, it's okay," Jared says, trying to calm me. He doesn't touch me again though. "Chris isn't angry with you, beautiful girl."
"We shouldn't – We can't – I don't want–" My thoughts race and I can't put them into coherent sentences. Someone else could have walked in. Just that easily, Jared's cover would have been blown, and it would have been my fault.
He seems to know what I'm saying even though I can't get the words out.
"I know," he whispers. "And I'm sorry. I just had to kiss you."
"Me too," I manage to say. It's so easy to forget what's at stake when he's near me. All I want to do is touch him. And that can't happen.
He sighs when Lexi calls his name from the front of the house. "Will you be okay?" he asks me.
I nod, not sure I'm being honest.
"We'll be back as soon as we can." He turns on his heel, takes two steps, and then stops. He just stands there for a second before spinning around again. Crossing back to me, he scoops me up into his arms and hugs me hard. "Everything will be okay," he says, pressing his lips to mine again. "I promise you that it will."
Before I can react, he strides away.
I watch him leave, still shaking.
By the time I work up the nerve to face Chris again, Jared's been gone for half an hour. My legs tremble beneath me. I want to crawl back to the guesthouse and hide out. But I find some hidden vein of courage and make my way to the family room instead.
As promised, Chris and Madeline are locked in a fierce Mario Kart battle. I think they may actually be more focused on each other than on the game though. Chris holds his controller over his head while Maddi jumps for it. They're both laughing and shouting at each other.
Neither the Princess nor Donkey Kong makes much progress on the massive flat screen. They're both spinning aimlessly in their little go-carts, waiting for Chris and Maddi to tell them what to do. Chris is a lot less scary with Maddi trying to crawl up his leg to steal his controller.
He seems kind of awesome, actually. What Kit and I always thought having a big brother would be like.
"Who's winning?" I ask, swallowing down another bout of nerves.
They both turn at the sound of my voice.
Chris's eyes lock with mine again, and I hold my breath, not sure what to expect now that Jared isn't here for me to hide behind. Again though, Chris doesn't say anything. He just peers at me until Madeline jumps up on his back and grabs the controller out of his hand.
"Ha!" she shouts triumphantly.
Chris blinks and the staring contest ends. "You little cheater!" he yells, grabbing her around the waist before she can make a run for it with his controller in hand.
She squeals and tosses it in my direction when he lifts her off the ground.
I somehow manage to catch it and just stand there, gaping.
"Run, Savannah!" she cries, barely able to force the words out through her laughter. She's holding her controller against her stomach as Chris alternates between tickling her and trying to steal it from her.
I look between the two of them, not sure if I should run or not.
He tosses her playfully onto the couch.
"You are going down for that one, half pint," he warns her, grinning. He straightens, cocking a brow at me.
"I ran track in high school," I warn him, edging away.
"Awesome," he says. "If you give me the controller, I won't make you prove it."
"Don't do it, Savannah!" Maddi cries. I see her sit up out of the corner of my eye and the Princess takes off on the flat screen. "He cheats!"
"You're the one who stole my controller!" he declares indignantly before turning back to me. "Come on, Savannah. Who are you going to believe? Me or the demon child?"
"I'm not a demon or a child," Madeline retorts. Her serious tone is broken by a victorious cry when the Princess suddenly gains speed on the screen. "You're losing, Chris!" she laughs.
This time, he huffs and then he winks at me. "Not for long," he says and reaches over.
"Noooo!"
I can't help but laugh as he plucks the controller from her hand and holds it over his head, leaving the Princess to once again spin aimlessly on the screen.
"The Princess has officially
been taken hostage, half pint." He grins, victory stamped across his face.
Maddi growls at him, but she's laughing so hard, she has tears in her eyes.
"Truce," she finally calls. "Truce!"
"No more cheating?"
"No more cheating," she promises.
He pretends to think about it for a moment before glancing at me. "Do we have a deal, Savannah?"
I hold his controller out to him.
"Yes!" he cries, turning into a big kid the instant it's safely back in his hands. He tosses Maddi's controller onto a chair all the way across the room and turns back to the television. Donkey Kong takes off at the same time Maddi dashes across the room, shouting that he's already cheating again.
I just shake my head and settle down on the couch to watch.
Two hours later, Madeline hugs me before bounding upstairs to bed. I can't decide which of the two cheats the most and I've laughed so hard my sides actually hurt. I curl up on the couch while Chris puts the console away, completely at ease. The last two hours having wiped away any lingering doubts about him.
It's obvious he adores Madeline. He's so good with her.
I haven't seen her laugh that much since I got back.
"Maddi really adores you," I murmur when he rises from his crouch in front of the entertainment center.
"She's a good kid," he says, grinning. He sits down across from me. "She reminds me of Alicia."
"Alicia is your little sister, right?"
"Yeah." He rolls his head on his neck and chuckles a little. "She's pretty wild."
I vaguely remember her from Matthew's funeral. She's a petite teenager with this long, dark hair and these big, compassionate eyes. She resembles Chris and their mom.
"Are you very close?"
"We are," Chris says, smiling again. "All three of us have always been close."
We sit in silence for a minute before I work up the nerve to say what I've needed to say all night. "What you saw earlier–"
"You don't owe me an explanation," he interrupts, eyeing me with this genuine, earnest expression on his face. "What happens between you and Jared is your business."
"Thank you." I'm relieved he doesn’t plan to yell at me, but I owe him more than that. "I just wanted to let you know it won't happen again. We were careless."
He doesn't disagree. Nor does he make me feel guilty about it. He just says, "You were, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?"
"Yeah," I say, closing my eyes. "That it is."
"Can I ask you a question?"
I nod.
"Are you serious about Jared?"
I've been expecting this conversation, but it catches me off guard anyway.
"Yes," I respond honestly. He's keeping this secret for me and Jared. At the very least, I owe him the truth. But it's more than that. I want to get to know him. I want to prove to myself that there are more good people in this world than bad.
I'm pretty sure Chris is one of the good ones.
"And your ex? Toby McKee?"
Toby's face suddenly looms into sharp focus in my mind, prompting me to pop my eyes open. He looks so cruel in my memories. He's always scowling. It's kind of sad that I don't really remember what he looks like without that scowl.
"It's over," I tell Chris.
"Does he know that?"
"Yes."
"Is he going to change his mind?"
"I doubt it," I whisper. "He's with someone else now. And I won't go back to him." I know that much. It's everything else that I'm not sure about. If I ever see him again… will I have the nerve to tell him to go to hell? Will I fall apart? Will I be able to face him and tell him everything that's boiling inside of me? "I don't want Jared to have to deal with him."
"Jared's already dealing with him, Savannah," Chris says, though he's not rude or unkind about it. "He cares about you, and he's not going to let anything happen to you. None of us will."
"You'd stand up for me?" I ask, surprised.
"You're practically family now." He smiles at me again. "We protect our family."
I'm at a loss for words, but I thank him.
He smiles again. "I know how hard it is, you know. Keeping a secret like the one you're keeping, I mean." His smile slips, replaced by a frown. Shadows drift through his dark eyes. "You know about me and Demetri?" he asks.
"You're engaged, right?"
Chris nods. "I didn't come out until I blew my knee in my senior year of college. I played football, and there's always been this stigma attached to gay players. You can't be gay without everyone automatically assuming that you're checking out the other guys in the locker room. The tension that paranoia can cause between teammates is damaging, so I never said a word. I dated quietly if at all, and it was hard. Really hard at times."
"I'm sorry." The words are ineffective, but there's really not much else to say. I might not know what it's like be gay and play football, but I know what struggling in silence can do, and it's just as awful as he says it is. No words wash that pain away.
"Now I kind of regret that I kept the truth hidden," he says. "I'm not ashamed of who I am. Had I met Demetri then, I'm not sure I would have done it the same way, even knowing the consequences."
I don't know much about Demetri, but the soft smile on Chris's lips makes me glad he has him.
"You really care for him," I say.
"I do. He's been really good for me."
"He seems very nice."
Chris's smile is blinding, and even though he and Jared look nothing alike, he reminds me of his brother so much with that happy grin on his face.
I smile back.
"When I came out to my family, Jared was the first one to congratulate me. He told me he didn't give a damn if I was gay or straight, I was his little brother and so long as I was happy, he was happy for me." He glances at me again, still smiling. "I feel the same way. If you two are happy, I'm happy for you."
"Thank you." I have to clear my throat to get the words out through the lump he's put in my throat. One person, at least, knows the truth about me and Jared and is okay with it. I think I needed to hear that more than I realized.
We sit quietly for a moment.
"I'm scared," I say then. "I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me, especially not Jared or the girls."
"It's a tough situation," Chris acknowledges, not trying to downplay my fears. "But Jared isn't going to let anything happen to you or to the girls if he can stop it. Maybe this wasn't the ideal time for the two of you to find one another, but you both deserve to be happy." He pauses for a minute. "I told him I'd kick his ass if he hurt you."
My mouth falls open in shock. "He's your brother!"
"He is, and he's a really decent guy, but this isn't going to be easy. For you especially, I think. I won't pry for details about what your ex did to you, but I know the kinds of scars people can leave behind, especially bad people. You need someone watching out for you in all of this, more so than Jared does."
"And that's you?" I ask, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that he's decided to take on the role of my white knight, no questions asked. He doesn't even know me, but he's watching out for me.
"I told you that you're family now," he says, grinning again. "Just say thank you, Chris."
"Thank you, Chris," I mumble, still stunned.
He laughs at my tone, shaking his head. "Seriously though, if you need to talk or anything, come find me. I promise not to judge or pry for more than you're willing to give. Just remember that you have someone other than Jared to lean on. You don't have to muddle through any of this alone. Trust me when I say you don't want that."
"I… thank you," I mumble again, tears welling. Before I can talk myself out of it, I jump up and hug him hard.
"You're welcome," he says, patting me on the back. "Just do me a favor?"
I nod, swiping at my cheeks when I step away from him.
"Stop looking at me like I'm going to step on you," he says. "I promise I'm not a bad guy."
"You aren't." I smile at him. For the first time since Jared told me that Chris knows about us, I actually think I'm okay with it.
"Just don't tell Mad that I'm awesome. I need her to live in fear of me or I may never win Mario Kart again."
"I promise," I vow solemnly, my lips twitching.
"Will you be okay on your own for a bit?" He glances down at his watch and then back at me. "Demetri's shift ends in a few minutes."
"Go," I tell him.
"I owe you," he says and waves before dashing out of the room.
Chapter Fourteen: Cocoon
The sense of peace winding through me is so foreign, so nice, that I doze off, my head against the back of the sofa. My neck cramps, but I don't want to move, so I don't. I just sit, reveling in that hypnotic place that's not quite sleep, but not quite wakefulness either.
When the house phone rings, my eyes fly open. I gasp as they immediately fall on the clock. It's a little after eleven. I've been sitting here for nearly an hour, and didn't even realize it. I climb to my feet, the piercing ring shattering the silence in the room again, and then shuffle to the entertainment center to grab the cordless.
"Hello?" I say, bringing the phone to my ear while rubbing my eyes with the back of my free hand, trying to wake myself up a little.
Static crackles on the line for a moment, but no one answers.
"Hello?" I say again, lifting the receiver away from my ear so I can see the screen. It's a private number. I frown and hold the phone to my ear again. "Hello?"
"Savannah?"
My lungs stop working the moment Toby's voice whispers through the line. Suddenly I'm in Italy all over again, lying in a pool of glass and blood while he curses at me for being so clumsy.
"Savannah, I know you're there," he says. Static crackles again.
No, no, no.
No, I'm still asleep and this is just a nightmare.
No, he isn't really calling me.
No, just no.
"Toby," I whisper, knowing this isn't some nightmare. I'm not that lucky. My hand shakes around the phone, and I think I might faint. I reach out and grasp the edge of the entertainment center to keep myself upright. A thousand different emotions course through me.
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