All Falls Down

by Morgen, Ayden K.

  "God, what's wrong with me?"

  "There's nothing wrong with you, Savannah."

  But there is, isn't there?

  I've known that all along, too.

  "I'm toxic," I whisper. The words hurt, but a sense of certainty runs through me when I say them, as if they're true. And I think maybe they are. Maybe that's why I keep screwing up my life over and over. Maybe that's why everyone abandons me or hurts me. Because I'm so screwed up, I poison everything, and they're too smart to stick around and let me do it to them, too.

  "That's not true," Kit says, defeat in her voice. "Why can't you believe that?"

  I want to believe her, but how can I when I don't think what she's saying is true?

  Kit and I don't say anything for the rest of the ride home. When she pulls up, I hesitate for a minute. I want to tell her… something. But as usual, I don't know what. Grabbing the door handle, I push it open instead of trying to find words.

  "Get some rest," Kit says. "We'll talk later."

  I nod and step from the car. It's still pouring rain. Putting my head down, I stumble toward the guesthouse. My legs ache as I make my way up the steps and inside. My clothes are still soaked, so I pull them off when the front door closes behind me.

  I leave them where they fall and stumble toward the bedroom. But when my gaze lands on the bed – when Jared's scent hits me – I can't go inside. I grab a blanket from the closet in the hall and lay on the couch instead.

  I don't think I'll sleep, but I do.

  I'm disoriented when I wake up, confused. It's bright outside – midday. I can't remember why I'm naked or why I'm on the couch. And then memory comes rushing back in a painful flood.

  Madeline's in the hospital.

  I stumble to the bathroom, pee, and pull a t-shirt over my head. The girl staring back at me in the mirror is so familiar, it hurts. She's the same one who stared at me for two years in Italy. The haunted, defeated girl who let Toby destroy her piece by piece. The one who believed him when he said she was worthless and useless. The one who still feels that way when she's alone.

  When I can't face her any longer, I flip the light off and make my way back to the couch. My throat burns and everything hurts. I think I'm going to cry again. But I don't want to cry anymore. I am so tired of crying every time I screw up.

  So I don't.

  I curl up beneath the blanket, clutch Jared's ring in my hand, and go back to sleep.

  "Savannah, love," Jared whispers, "wake up."

  I moan. I'm having the best dream, and I don't want to let it go. I'm warm and happy, Jared's making love to me, and everything is just perfect.

  "Wake up, beautiful girl," he says again.

  He sounds so tired, I can't refuse this time, My eyes pop open.

  He's kneeling beside the couch, a sad smile on his face. His eyes are shadowed underneath, like he hasn't slept in days. He looks like hell, but he's still so beautiful to me.

  Why did I ever think I could keep him?

  He stares at me for a long time, not saying anything.

  I stare back, memorizing his face again. My fingers twitch, physically aching with my desire to reach out and touch the little scar beside his lip.

  "You scared me," he finally whispers. "When we couldn't find you this morning, I thought–" He bows his head, as if the weight of what he thought drags him down.

  "I'm fine," I say. My voice is raw, my words little more than a pitiful croak. "How's Maddi?"

  "She's okay." He closes his eyes for a moment, sighs. "We got lucky."

  No, we didn't. I don't have the heart to tell him that though.

  "Wh–what time is it?" I pull myself up into a sitting position.

  "A little after four in the afternoon."

  "Oh."

  "Maddi was discharged about an hour ago."

  I hate the way he avoids touching me, like he's scared of what might happen if he does. As if he knows the same truth threatening to crush me – we can't do this anymore.

  "I-is she home?" I ask, staring at a frayed hem on the blanket wrapped around me.

  I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

  "Lexi?"

  "She's–" He sighs. "She'll be okay."

  "No, she won't," I whisper. "Not this time." Madeline's her baby sister, and she could have died. Lexi isn't going to just bounce back from that. And she shouldn't have to. She's been watching over her shoulder since the day Matthew died, waiting for the monster to jump out of the shadows again. Now he has, and nothing is going to be okay.

  Another sad smile twists at Jared's lips and I realize he knows this, too.

  "I think–" I swallow when my gaze tangles with his. "I think you should stay at the mansion tonight." The words hurt and I want to take them back, but I bite my tongue, fighting the urge to be selfish this time.

  His eyes fall half closed. His expression twists as if hearing the words hurt him as badly as saying them has hurt me. But he doesn't argue with me. He doesn't try to change my mind or convince me that everything can go back to the way it was.

  "Beautiful girl," he whispers. And then his lips are against mine, hard and insistent.

  I want to resist, I want to be strong enough to tell him no… but I'm not.

  I kiss him back, clinging to him while my heart threatens to shatter in my chest.

  Before I know it, he's gone.

  It's almost midnight before Kit finally comes to see me. I'm almost relieved when she appears in the doorway. I can finally get the thoughts plaguing me out of my head.

  When she closes the door behind her, I scoot over to make room for her on the couch.

  She sits a bowl down in front of me. I don't know what's in it, but I'm not hungry.

  "How's Maddi?" I ask. I'm desperate to go see her, but I don't know if I'm welcome.

  "Sleeping." Kit sinks down beside me. Her face is pale and splotchy, like she's been crying. Her beautiful blonde hair hangs limply. I don't think she's slept at all. "How are you?" she asks me.

  I shrug, not sure how to answer that question.

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  Even though I've been waiting for this moment all day, I shake my head. Now that it's here, I don't know how to put the things I've been thinking about into words. I'm not sure I want to do so.

  "What are you going to do?" she asks.

  And I know I don't have to say anything. Even after all this time, she still knows me better than I know myself. She can still guess what I'm thinking before I open my mouth.

  "I can't keep him. It's after midnight."

  Kit glances over at me.

  I don't bother trying to explain. She's a princess. She belongs in this world. And I don't begrudge her that. I don't want her to know how it feels to be Cinderella, lured by magic and princes and the foolish dream of forever.

  Why'd I let myself believe I got to keep him when the clock struck midnight?

  That's not how it works for maids or their abandoned daughters.

  "I think–" I clear my throat. "I think I need to leave for a while. C-can I stay with you on campus for a few days?" And I don't want to cry, but a tear slips down my cheek anyway.

  "Savannah–"

  "I can't stay here," I whisper, brushing it away. "Lexi needs Jared, and I'm a distraction. I need to go, but I don't have anywhere else."

  She's silent for so long, I think she's going to tell me no. But then she sighs again. "Yeah, you can stay in the dorms with me."

  "Thank you."

  I stare at the blank television screen. I'm drowning, sinking in freezing waters, and there's nothing to hold onto. The waves have broken over the buoy, and they're dragging me down this time.

  I force myself to take deep, even breaths.

  "When do you want to go?" Kit asks, reaching out for my hand. She squeezes it tight, trying to remind me that I'm not alone. But I am though. I'm in some place where she can't follow. Where I don't want her to follow.

  "In the morning," I manage to s
ay.

  "Are you going to tell him?"

  Am I?

  Can I?

  "I have to." I can't just leave without saying goodbye. He deserves more than that from me. He deserves… well, he deserves to be set free.

  Kit squeezes my hand again, and then rises to her feet. "I'll take you to campus in the morning." She hesitates. "Do you need help packing?"

  I shake my head.

  "It'll be okay, Sav."

  Not even she sounds like she really believes that.

  Twenty minutes later, I'm shoving things into my suitcase when Jared appears in the bedroom doorway. His jade eyes are wild and he's panting as if he's run all the way from the mansion. The expression on his face threatens to break my heart completely.

  He knows I'm leaving him.

  "Don't do this," he says, stepping into the room. "Don't leave."

  "I have to," I whisper. The words are so soft they're almost lost beneath the frantic pounding of my heart.

  He shakes his head, coming closer. "No, you don't. We can figure this out."

  "How?" I ask, shoving a t-shirt into my suitcase. "Maddi almost died last night, Jared."

  "That's not your fault."

  "Yes, it is. I distracted you. I pulled you away. You were so busy with me, you didn't even know someone came onto the property. Someone cut that limb down while you were with me. That's on me, Jared."

  He reaches out for me, but I take a step back. If he touches me, I'm going to lose what little nerve I have. I know it. Already, I'm fracturing apart, pieces of my heart and soul breaking away before being swallowed up by the hollowness growing in their place.

  The hurt look that passes across his face when I move away tears through me.

  "I'm not going to let you do this," he says, heat in his voice. "I'm not going to let you blame yourself for this."

  It's too late for that. I already blame myself. Part of me already hates myself for it.

  "It's not your choice to make," I mumble.

  "The hell it isn't!" His voice is hard, angry, his expression severe. Fury blazes in his jade eyes, burning me.

  I'm not afraid of him, but I can't help but take another little step backward. The urge to get out of the way is ingrained in me now, too strong to ignore. And I want to ignore it. I so badly want to keep from flinching when he raises his voice, but I can't.

  Jared freezes. Pain washes through his eyes.

  "I'm not going to hurt you, beautiful girl. I'd never do to you what he did. Why can't you believe that?" He sounds broken again. Like I broke him again. And that look in his eye – Oh, God, that look. It's so fucking sad.

  It wrecks me, rips me wide open, and unmakes me.

  I can't stay away from him anymore.

  "Jared," I sob, flinging myself at him.

  He catches me when I slam into his chest, pulling me into him and holding me tight. I sob in his arms, my entire body shaking. He rocks us back and forth, and I'm not sure, but I think maybe he's crying, too.

  He whispers my name over and over.

  Each one tears at my heart. Reminds me why I can't stay with him.

  "I have to go," I cry into his chest.

  "No," he says.

  No matter how many times I tell him I have to leave, that this is my fault, his answer is the same: No. No. No. He simply can't or won't accept anything else. Every part of me wants to give in and tell him I'll stay, but I can't do that. This time, I don't get to be selfish.

  He's in hell because of me. The girls are in hell because of me.

  That reminder lends me the strength to stop crying. I stay in his arms for a moment, trying to memorize the way they feel around me. The gentle way he holds me, like I'm priceless and fragile. And the way his heart pounds beneath my ear. The strength of his body against mine, and the way I tingle everywhere we touch. How he smells of rain and brandy and cinnamon and home and safety. And the way he makes me feel calmer and braver. I'm a better person when I'm with him. A stronger person because of him.

  I love him. God, I love him.

  Why can't I keep him?

  I gather the willpower and pull away.

  He lets me go reluctantly.

  For long moments, we stand there facing each other.

  Misery is stamped across his face. Pain dulls the beautiful jade color of his eyes. He's so sad – I've broken his heart.

  "I'm sorry," I whisper.

  "I don't want you to do this."

  "I have to."

  He starts to shake his head, and then I notice Lexi standing in the doorway, watching us. She's in rough shape, worse than anyone else. The haunted look on her face – like she barely recognizes me – hurts. I want to apologize to her, but I don’t even know where to begin. How do you apologize for ruining someone's life? For stealing the man she loves? For almost getting a child killed?

  "I just found you, beautiful girl," Jared whispers, pulling my attention away from her. "How am I supposed to let you walk away now?"

  "Because she asked you to," Lexi says before I can answer.

  Jared spins to face her.

  She steps into the room, her eyes still locked on me.

  I drop my gaze, stare at the floor.

  "Lexi–"

  "No, Jared," she says, and she's angry. She's so angry, I feel as if a whip snaps against my skin with every word she says. "Mad could have died yesterday, do you not understand that?"

  "Of course I–"

  She cuts him off again. "I tried to stay out of it and let you do this your way. I know how much you care about Savannah, but you promised me you'd keep the girls safe. And they aren't safe. No one is!"

  "It's my fault," I mumble, glancing up.

  Lexi stands across from Jared, her arms crossed.

  "No, it isn't." Jared says, turning to face me. "I'm the one that fucked up, not you."

  "I distracted you. That's why–" I have to force myself to say the words out loud again. Tears blur my vision. "That's why Maddi got hurt. Because you were with me instead of protecting them."

  He shakes his head, trying to deny the truth. But I think he knows he can't.

  "We can't be together anymore, Jared." The words hurt so much… but I keep on. "It's not right. Lexi and the girls need you, and all I do is get in your way. You're so focused on me you can't do what you need to do. You can't be with me and take care of them, too."

  "That's not true." He whips his head around to face Lexi. "Tell her that's not true."

  "Don't put her in the middle, please."

  "She's already in the middle!"

  "Because we put her there," I whisper. "Her little sister – a child – almost died because of us, Jared. I can't do this with you anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I want out."

  He's going to keep arguing. It's written all over his face. He's going to dig his heels in and refuse to listen to me. Refuse to let me go. Tears burn in the back of my throat again, choking me. I catch Lexi's attention, pleading with her silently to help me. She can make him listen, make him let me go.

  He has to let me go.

  "You have to choose," she says to him. And her voice is so hard, like stone.

  I don't blame her for it.

  How can I?

  "Lex–"

  "You have to choose, Jared." Her blue eyes flash with hurt and anger. She points a finger at him, practically poking him in the chest. "You can't have both."

  "Lex, please –" he tries to break in when a sob escapes my throat.

  She's right. I know she is. He can't have both anymore. But hearing it from her hurts like hell. I cover my mouth with my hand as he stares at me, torment in his gaze, as if he knows this too. Every part of me screams for him to put his arms around me again, to lend me some of his strength and ease us both. I want to beg him to choose me… but I can't and I know that.

  I have no place here. I never did.

  "Don't 'Lex, please' me!" she snaps at him, actually poking him in the chest with one long, manicured finger this time.
"You made a promise to me, Jared. To my sisters. Does that mean nothing to you?"

  "Of course it means something to me, dammit!" he snaps right back at her, though his eyes never leave me. He's begging me silently to understand.

  I want to tell him I do, but I say nothing. I'm not sure what will come out of my mouth if I open it.

  "Then this has to stop now! You have to let her go, Jared."

  Another sob rips from my chest when his shoulders slump, defeat and misery washing through cool green jade.

  "I'm sorry," he whispers and my heart breaks. "I'm so sorry."

  I don't know if he's talking to me or to her or to himself, but he looks so fucking broken, I can't breathe. I sink down onto the bed, my hands clenched so hard they hurt. A scream builds in my throat, but I choke it down. I don't get to have a meltdown now, not when this is my doing. I made this happen.

  Lexi gazes at me, sympathy and regret welling in her blue eyes.

  I reach up to unclasp the chain around my neck. My hands tremble and shake. I hold the chain out to Jared. His ring gleams in the light. I want to snatch it back, put it back around my neck, but I don't. He stands there for a long moment, looking like he's burning.

  Finally, he reaches out and wraps his hand around mine. When he lets go again, his ring is in his hands and tears shine in his eyes. "I love you," he whispers to me.

  And then he turns and walks away.

  My world crashes to the ground at my feet, shattered into a million little pieces.

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Stay with Me

  Dawn creeps over the horizon when I make my way up the stairs at the mansion. My heart is made of lead. My eyes are red-rimmed and swollen where I've spent the last who knows how many hours crying. Everything hurts from my head to my toes. My bags are packed and waiting outside with Kit. But I want to see Maddi before I leave.

  Lexi's waiting for me at the top of the stairs, her head down as if the load she's carrying is crushing her as much as mine crushes me. Guilt shines in her blue eyes. I want to tell her that it's okay and that I get it – she didn't ask me to leave, I made that choice myself. She has nothing to feel guilty for… and yet I don't tell her that. Because some horrible, childish part of me resents her even though this isn't her fault. Some part of me hates that she gets to keep Jared. And some part of me never even understood why he chose me over her in the first place.