All Falls Down

by Morgen, Ayden K.

  Kit sighs heavily, but stops arguing with me. "At least promise me that you'll come visit us this summer."

  I carefully fold the shirt in my hands, not answering. The thought of going back to the mansion makes my heart tremble. I'm nowhere near ready to face Jared or Lexi or anyone really. I'm barely making it through the days. Even though I see Gloria three times a week, I'm still a mess. Part of me thinks I always will be.

  Sometimes, I think Gloria thinks so, too. She doesn't judge me, but I can't help but wonder what she really thinks when I confess to all the horrible things I let Toby do to me, or how I fell in love with Jared even knowing it was wrong.

  Sometimes, I think I'm always going to be that girl I still see in the mirror – the one who just lets life and people and circumstances run roughshod over her until she's a broken mess on the floor. I'm always going to be damaged, broken… always going to be an outsider. But I want to learn to fight for myself.

  I'm trying.

  "You can't avoid him forever," Kit whispers.

  "I know."

  "But you're going to try anyway."

  Sometimes, I hate that she knows me so well.

  "I'm not ready yet, Kit."

  She sighs again.

  "Lexi's in love with him," I tell her, staring at the floor. The thought of the two of them together wrecks me. I'm just waiting for him to realize how much better she is for him than I was. And he will eventually. How could he not?

  "And he's in love with you," Kit responds. "He misses you, Sav."

  "It's over between us." And I still hate it so much. Every part of me misses him so intensely, it's like I've lost a part of myself. Like I'm trying to learn to live without an arm or a leg or my heart.

  "I don't understand you," Kit huffs, flopping down on my bed beside my suitcase. "Jared is an amazing guy, and he loves you. He's miserable without you. And you just let him go. After everything Toby put you through, you deserve to be happy. And I'm sorry, I know you think running away was the best thing for everyone, but it's not. You're a part of our family and you should be at home with the rest of us this summer, not living in some little apartment by yourself all the way across town."

  I look up to find Kit scowling. Before I can say anything though, she launches into another rant.

  "It pisses me off that Lexi just let you blame yourself and run away. I don't care if she's in love with Jared, too. He loves you and you love him, and maybe that's not fair to her, but making him choose between you and the rest of us wasn't fair to you guys, either. It's not your fault you fell in love. Lexi never should have asked him to pretend he was in a relationship with her, and she never should have kept up that pretense once she knew the truth about the two of you."

  "She's just trying to keep you guys and T.I. safe." I don't know why I'm making excuses for Lexi, because Kit's right… none of this is fair. But she's wrong, too. If Jared and Lexi had backed out of their fake relationship so he could be with me, the resulting scandal would have blown Jared's cover in an instant. As selfish as I am when it comes to him, no part of me wants him to ruin his career or let innocent people to die just so I can say he's mine. I'd rather live the rest of my life without him than watch someone else get hurt because of us.

  "Yeah, well, her plan sucks," Kit mutters.

  I don't say anything.

  Kit watches me pack for a few minutes and then tries again. "Please come home with me, Savannah."

  "I'll come to visit," I promise, though I'm pretty sure I won't follow through.

  Kit knows it, too.

  "No, you won't," she says. "You'll go to classes and hide out in your apartment and never leave unless I drag you out."

  "Don't you have a final?" I ask her.

  She glances at the clock and curses before jumping to her feet and grabbing her bag. "This isn't over," she warns me, marching toward the door.

  Two hours later, I'm standing in the middle of my apartment, trying to accept the fact that it's actually mine. That no one can take it away from me. At some point since I signed the lease, Chris and Demetri have worked magic – carrying in furniture and hanging pictures. Everything is new and shiny, and pride pumps through me.

  I have a place of my own. Somewhere I fit. Somewhere I belong. All I have to do is hang my clothes in the closet and unpack the new kitchen supplies and bathroom towels.

  "What do you think?" Chris asks when he pops in, my suitcases in his hands.

  Demetri follows behind him, more subdued.

  "It's– I like it," I say.

  He grins at me like a little boy, dropping my suitcases off beside the couch.

  "You should get a dog," he says.

  "No pets allowed."

  "Really?"

  I nod.

  "Well, that's crap," he mutters.

  I don't argue with him, though I don’t know what he expects me to do with a dog. I've never had one before. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Hell, I'm not even sure what I'd do with a goldfish. Probably kill it.

  "Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asks, stepping back into Demetri.

  Demetri presses a kiss to his temple.

  "I'll be fine."

  I think he's asked me that same question two thousand times since I signed the lease and registered for classes. While I appreciate the concern, I'm tired of hearing it. I may be a mess, but I am capable of living on my own without burning the place down or starving. I think.

  "Katrina's going to kill me when she finds out you're already here," he tells me.

  I feel guilty for that – for sneaking out while she was in class. But she and I both know there's no way she was going to let me go without trying to convince me to go back to the mansion again. Avoiding a repeat of our conversation seemed best.

  I shrug. "Tell her I forced you."

  Demetri chuckles when Chris snorts as if to say yeah, right.

  "Call me if you need anything," he advises instead of arguing.

  "I will."

  "I'm serious. Call me." His expression is so serious, he reminds me of Jared again. They've both nailed that man-in-charge stance.

  I step toward him, and give him a big hug. He and Kit have been my lifeline since I left the mansion. I'm not sure what I'm going to do without seeing at least one of them every day.

  "I will," I promise again when he squeezes me.

  "Take care, Savannah," Demetri murmurs when Chris releases me.

  "You too."

  "Set the alarm." Chris shoots me another one of those serious looks before closing the front door behind him.

  I shake my head and lock the door, setting the alarm. And then I sweep my gaze around the apartment, trying to decide what I want to do. The boxes scattered around the small kitchen catch my eye, but I don't really want to unpack them right now.

  I drag my suitcases to my bedroom instead and start hanging my clothes in the closet.

  I'm halfway through the first bag when the doorbell rings. I drop the hanger in my hand and head that way, frowning. I knew Kit would show up sooner or later, but I really expected it to be later.

  "Just a minute," I call when she rings the doorbell again.

  I hurry to turn the alarm off and unlock the door.

  Kit's not standing on the other side though.

  A young guy I don't know stares at me, a massive flower arrangement in his hands and a bored expression on his face.

  "Savannah Martin?" he asks.

  "Yes?"

  He holds the flowers out to me.

  I stare for a minute, taken off guard. Wildflowers mingle with white roses and lavender in brilliant pops of color. The vase is easily knee high. It's gorgeous.

  "Who sent these?" I ask.

  "Don't know." He shrugs. "You want 'em or not?"

  "Oh. Um… thank you." I take the arrangement from his hands.

  "Welcome," he mumbles and walks away.

  I stand there for a minute before pushing the front door closed with my foot. Twisting, I set the arrangement on the
coffee table and then relock the door and deal with the alarm. There's a card nestled between the blooms. I hesitate for a long moment before reaching out to pull it free.

  My heart races as I tug it from the little envelope.

  Congratulations.

  There's only that one word scrawled across the inside in a familiar, bold script. One I've only seen a handful of times, but will never forget.

  "Jared," I whisper.

  God, I miss him.

  "How do you like your new place?" Gloria asks the next evening.

  I'm curled up in one of the two chairs in her office, toying with a little stress ball I picked up from the table. "It's nice," I say, bouncing the ball in the palm of my hand.

  "Are you enjoying being on your own?"

  I open my mouth to tell her yes, and then close it again. I shrug instead. It's quiet, a lot quieter than I expected after living in Kit's dorm for the last few weeks. I don't know anyone. I'm isolated. Lonely. I thought finding my own place would give me a sense of security, restore a little of my balance. But it hasn't. If anything, I'm lonelier now than I ever was at the mansion.

  I think maybe that has more to do with the flowers Jared sent me than anything else.

  Every time I see them, I ache.

  They overwhelm my apartment, reminding me of exactly how much I've given up. The one person I want to share my life with isn't here. The one person I want to build memories with in my apartment hasn't stepped foot inside… he may never. All I have are the flowers he sent me, and the reminder that my apartment will never be home to me, that it can't. Because Jared is home to me, and he isn't here.

  What's the point of having a place you belong when being there just makes you sad?

  "Jared sent me flowers," I mumble when Gloria just looks at me, waiting for me to tell her what's on my mind.

  "Oh," she says. "How do you feel about that?"

  I shake my head, not sure I'm ready to answer that question just yet. "Is it normal to miss someone this much?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean–" What do I mean? "Every time I think about him, it hurts. He hasn't called me or tried to see me or anything since I left. I don't know what that means, but I miss him. And it's not getting any better. I thought finding my own place would help, but it's making me miss him even more. I think I'm broken."

  Gloria smiles at me. "You're hardly broken."

  "It feels like I am."

  "You love him," she says as if that explains everything.

  "I keep expecting him to show up." I've been waiting for weeks for him to appear, to fight for me, but he hasn't. He gave me back my ring, told me he loved me… and then nothing. I don't know what to make of that. I tell Gloria as much.

  "Maybe he's waiting for the same thing," she suggests.

  "Huh?"

  "You left him, remember?" Her voice is gentle, non-accusatory. "He's sent you flowers. Maybe he's waiting for you to make the next move."

  Is he?

  I bit my lip, thinking about it, but I don't come to any decision.

  "You should at least acknowledge you received the flowers," Gloria says.

  And she's right. I know she is, but what am I supposed to say? So much has changed since I left. I'm on my own now. I'm seeing a therapist. I feel stronger. Braver. Like maybe I've finally started to take control of my life instead of letting it toss me around. But none of it seems to be enough.

  I'm still lost.

  Gloria lets me think it over for a minute before she changes the subject. "When do you start classes?"

  "Next week."

  "Are you excited?"

  Yes. No. I don't know. I still think I might be a terrible student. But I'm ready to try again. And I feel powerful, like registering and buying my books has ripped more power away from Toby. But I'm also nervous. No one can blame him if I'm a terrible student or if I can't manage to get the hang of it. This time, if I quit or fail, it'll be on me. And I don't want to fail.

  I so do not want to fail at this.

  My finger hovers over Jared's name in my phone's address book. I've tapped on it twice already, and then quickly hit the end button before the phone dialed him. It's close to ten o'clock… he's probably in bed. I should wait and call him tomorrow.

  Coward, a little voice whispers.

  "Shut up," I mumble.

  I'm not a coward, I'm just… a coward.

  I sigh.

  Push the button.

  My hand shakes when I put the phone to my ear.

  I squeeze my eyes closed when it rings, and then rings again.

  I'm on the verge of hanging up when someone picks up.

  "Hello?"

  "Maddi?"

  "Savannah!" she cries into the phone.

  "Hi, kiddo." I can't help but smile at the excitement in her tone. I haven't seen her in weeks, but she sounds like the old Madeline – the lively little girl she was before she got hurt. I've almost accepted that what happened to her wasn't my fault. Almost. I still feel awful though, because maybe things would have been different had Jared not been with me all day. Maybe he would have caught whoever is responsible for hurting her, and the girls would be safe now.

  "When are you going to come and see me?" she demands.

  "Soon," I say, not sure if I'm lying this time or not. I miss her so much.

  "You always say that."

  "I know. I've been busy."

  "Do you like your apartment? Can I come and see it?"

  "Sure, kiddo. Maybe Kit can bring you this weekend." I clear my throat. "Why are you up so late?"

  "Chris is babysitting me tonight."

  "Oh." I pause. "Is Jared around?"

  "No. He forgot his phone though." She giggles. "I made Justin Bieber his background."

  I smile. He's going to love that. I think he loathes the little toad more than I do.

  Maddi keeps rambling, telling me about her day, the new purple cast on her arm, and the little baby hairs growing back where she had stitches. We talk for half an hour before I work up the nerve to mention Jared again.

  "Can you have Jared call me when he gets home?"

  "Okay, but I think him and Lexi going to spend the night somewhere and come home tomorrow. No one would tell me." She huffs. "I caught them kissing before they left though. It was so gross!"

  My heart stops beating. For just a minute, everything stops. Time just stands still.

  Jared kissed Lexi. They're spending the night together.

  I'm too late. He's moved on already.

  Images of the two of them flash through my mind, her wrapped in his arms like he used to hold me. Him smiling at her like he used to smile at me. Making love to her, making her come apart for him.

  Oh, God.

  The world resumes turning with a sickening lurch.

  I think I'm going to throw up.

  "Maddi, I gotta go," I manage to mumble.

  "Okay, but com–"

  I hit the end button and toss the phone onto the bed, jumping up.

  I barely make it to the bathroom before my stomach heaves and I get violently ill.

  Everything I ate comes up in a rush.

  My ears pop.

  My eyes water and burn.

  When I stop throwing up, I sink down onto the floor, my cheek against the cold tiles.

  I can't move.

  I'm too late to fix things with him. He's moved on.

  The thought breaks me in two.

  Chapter Twenty-Five: Can't Do Better

  The next several weeks pass in a blur. I get up, go to class, and then come home. I'm still going to see Gloria, but I haven't told her the truth. I'm avoiding Kit and Chris and Madeline. My voicemail is full of messages I haven't listened to, and I have so many ignored texts, I think they've given up on me. I tell them that I'm fine, that I'm busy with school, but I don't think they believe me.

  Jared calls once, but I don’t answer for him either. He doesn't leave me a voicemail.

  I'm drowning, and I don
't want to reach out and grab on to a life preserver this time. I don't want to get better or move on or do anything. I just want to not think or do or say or be or anything. I'm wrecked inside and out. And this time, it really is my fault.

  I pushed him away. I left.

  So why am I so angry at him? At Lexi?

  The way I feel about her actually frightens me. I've never wanted to hate anyone else so badly in my life. But I desperately want to hate her, and it makes me so mad that I can't. Part of me thinks she forced me to leave so she could make a play for Jared. Rationally, I know that's not how things happened, but it still feels that way to me. I've barely been gone six weeks, and they're already together.

  "You did this to yourself," I mutter, shoving my arms through my backpack after class.

  If my classmates notice me talking to myself, they don't say anything. They avoid me like I'm insane and my crazy might rub off on them if they come too close. That's fine with me. I don't want to befriend any of them. I just want to be left alone.

  I push my way through the few of them milling around and head out the doors.

  "She's such a freak," a girl mutters behind me.

  I don't even bother turning around. I really don't care what she thinks.

  Outside, I put my head down and walk towards my apartment. It's muggy out, hotter than usual for June in San Francisco. Or maybe I've just forgotten what June in San Francisco is really like. It's been two years since I last experienced it.

  My apartment is only five minutes from campus, but I'm sweating by the time I make it there and drag myself up the steps. One of my neighbors waves at me. I incline my head in one of those barely-a-nod movements. She ducks back inside her apartment.

  I grab the mail from my mailbox and let myself in before dropping my bag beside the door. I have homework, but I don't even want to deal with it right now. I think God is playing a cruel trick on me – we're reading Shakespeare's Sonnets. Because that's what all broken-hearted students want to deal with the second week of class.

  There's an envelope with my name on it mixed in with junk mail. I don't know who it's from, but it didn't come through the postal service. There's no address, no stamp… nothing but my name printed across the front.