A Handful of Sunshine

by Vikram Bhatt

  Akhil did know there had been someone by the name of Veer in my life but he had no idea how important he had been to me. It was best not to complicate things—that had always been my mantra. It was always better to give out information on a need-to-know basis. Yet, I couldn’t work with Veer and not let Akhil know.

  ‘So you want to know if I am okay with you working with your ex on a project.’ Akhil cut to the chase. I knew he was trying to make it easier for me and was not being impatient with me.

  ‘Well, more or less,’ I accepted.

  ‘We are not kids any more, Mira. If you think he is the right guy for your company then go with it.’ He took my hand and gently kissed it, ‘I love you and I know you love me.’

  I smiled back, words failing me.

  ‘So this is what has been on your mind for the past few days?’ Akhil probed, and with a smile made a show of picking his jacket up and hanging it up in the laundry section of the closet.

  I nodded. He shook his head, ‘Silly girl.’

  I watched him go into the bathroom, run a shower for himself and then gently shut the door behind him. I sighed. If only Akhil knew how intense my time with Veer had been! If he could peep into my heart and see what it had been through on account of Veer, I wondered if he would still think me a silly girl.

  Then as I gathered my papers to go through them some other day, a thought struck me. What if I was being silly now? What if working with Veer was not such a good idea? I quickly admonished myself. Veer was in the past and that story was over. I would have to learn to get on with it. Several thoughts began to clog my mind but thankfully just then an aeroplane flew overhead numbing my senses to a stop.

  I gave in to the calm.

  VEER

  Monday night

  Mira had astonished me to say the least. I did not think my confession of everlasting love had made her change her mind.

  Knowing her, she would have been so revolted by my slobbering, slurring state that it would have made her feel the need to be more mature about things. If I was so hung up on the past, then how could she possibly be the same? It was just not her to be that ordinary.

  Relooking at my proposal would have been the sensible thing to do under those circumstances. And that perhaps was the reason why she wanted me to head the creative? In her own way she was trying to tell me that she was above the pettiness of the past. She was telling me that our story was done and it was time to move on. And perhaps working together would be the final nail in the coffin. Well, I couldn’t agree more.

  ‘So I was right, the world of advertising cannot do without Veer Rai,’ Kavita said mockingly.

  ‘I know this sucks but it is a bit of a between a rock and a hard place kind of scenario. Jim Jonas won’t allow me to screw things up a second time with the Indian Food Company.’ I had feared Kavita would take my U-turn on the Scottish Highlands holiday plan with considerable dissension, but to my surprise she was a picture of understanding and objectivity. I guess when you change, people around you change.

  ‘So what are you supposed to do to wriggle out from between the rock and the hard place?’ she asked with a patient smile.

  ‘The agency wants us to shoot the film in Yorkshire over the weekend. I would have to be there to oversee the shoot,’ I responded sheepishly.

  ‘Well, at least Yorkshire is halfway to the Highlands,’ she teased. I laughed.

  ‘Why don’t you come with me?’ I asked, surprised by own spontaneity.

  ‘Are you sure it would be fine if I accompanied you?’ It was a question that mirrored the state of what our relationship had been up until that point. I had never asked her to come to any of my shoots. I had never involved her in any part of my life. And now, just like that, it was okay for her to come into my world.

  ‘Yes, I am sure it would be fine. It’s not like the company is going to pick up the tab for it. I will. So why don’t you come? It’s the weekend in any case and you like the countryside.’

  ‘Don’t preach to the choir, honey. Don’t sell me the idea of a weekend where I can see you work and enjoy the countryside as well. This is like a double bonanza. Had I known you were going to turn over a new leaf, I would have walked out on you much earlier,’ she said playfully, and then leaned across and kissed me gently.

  Seeing Kavita happy that way made me happy. Was this how love began in a relationship that was struggling to find it? I suppose it was. My thoughts went back to Mira. Would I have been so committed to making things with Kavita work had I not seen Mira again and seen how she felt nothing for me? Was I then trying to forget Mira, or was I trying to make things work with Kavita? They both couldn’t be true at once. I wished it was the latter.

  ‘Veer, I can’t come to Yorkshire, please!’ Shazia protested. We were going through the final checklist before the shoot along with the auditions of the models.

  ‘What the hell, Shazia! I can’t handle this on my own. It’s client-handling stuff, you have got to do it.’ I was adamant. I hated the stupid questions the dimwit reps of the client would ask.

  ‘Veer, I have a date. I am going to Spain for the weekend,’ Shazia said coyly.

  ‘Spain? For a date? Who does that? People go to restaurants or the movies, or to the circus if they’re adventurous, but to another country? Wow!’

  Shazia laughed. ‘You know my eccentric Greek man. He loves to spoil me. And only an insane woman would refuse such charms.’

  I had to agree. Spain for the weekend with a Greek god was every woman’s fantasy, and I couldn’t rob Shazia of hers.

  ‘All right,’ I said grudgingly. ‘I shall fill in for you. Go in peace!’

  Shazia gave me a hug, then taking a sip of her coffee she smirked, ‘I believe you are taking Kavita with you? Look who is turning over a new leaf!’

  I grinned my response away.

  ‘It is good, Veer. She is a good girl. She will make you happy. Now that the lady of your past has done a volte-face and decided to bless us with the contract for her advertisement film, you might as well make the best of it.’

  ‘Yes, Kavita does love me a lot,’ I agreed.

  I looked at the London skyline from our office window. Big Ben was clearly visible. It was early evening but it was getting dark already. Taking Kavita along for an advertisement film shoot that I was making for Mira—I could have never imagined that!

  It was as if Shazia picked up on my thought. ‘What do you think made Mira suddenly change her mind? Your intoxicated shenanigans or that your concept was really good?’

  I shrugged. ‘How does it matter?’

  Shazia did not answer, but joined me in looking out of the window with a reflective ‘Hmmm.’

  The director of the advertisement film had decided on a pretty cottage on the grounds of an old English estate for the first day’s shoot. Kavita decided to stay back at the hotel while I did the creative bit at the shooting.

  The colours had to be right, the make-up just right. The food packets that had come from the Indian Food Company had to be shown in the right light. The art of it all was to think like the client and not as a creative director. That had always worked for me.

  Later that evening, after I finished filming, Kavita and I went out to dinner at a quaint restaurant that she had Googled. It lay just outside Leeds. It was by a brook, slam in the middle of the countryside. Winter was in the air and the evening breeze was nippy, but there was something about being there that made us happy.

  We talked about her work. She tried to explain to me what was a good painting versus a commercial painting. A good painting did not necessarily sell. A lot of art was sold to people who did not really understand art but just wanted to own some.

  Art is art, I thought to myself. Whatever makes sense to you should be art. Why should there be a definition of art? The world was just albatrossed with too many definitions. What you should like, dislike, what you should look like, how you should dress, how you must talk—it was just ridiculous. I saved Kavita from my thoughts
though. I did not want to dampen her enthusiasm.

  My mind was on a roll, however. In the continuing stream for the need of definitions my observations stopped at love. I don’t think society has a definition for love. That was one thing that people seemed to be clueless about. Everyone has an idea of love; no one has a definition for it.

  That night Kavita and I made love to the sounds of the night crickets, my deep breaths and her soft moans.

  ‘You were different today,’ she told me as we lay basking in the afterglow.

  ‘Was I?’

  ‘Yes, you were, Veer. It has been a long time since you have been so gentle and unhurried. It’s no longer like a need. Something has really changed and I am not complaining.’ Kavita snuggled closer to me, burying her head against my chest. I put my arm around her and held her close.

  I had no idea why I was filled with a sense of dread at that moment. Perhaps it was just the idea of giving myself completely like I had to Mira that scared me. Perhaps I was just terrified of the pain and did not want to put myself out there again. Was this the definition of love? When your need to put a smile on the face of the object of your affection supersedes your fear of that need breaking your heart?

  Fortunately, sleep washed over my troubled mind and tortured soul.

  I sensed Mira even before I saw her.

  Bolton Abbey was where we were filming the next day—a picturesque old structure, mostly in ruins, but some of the grandest ruins one would see in Yorkshire.

  Kavita agreed to accompany me. A day of idling in the hotel room had perhaps bored the life out of her.

  The road that ran to the Abbey was on a slight elevation, but one could see it clearly from the riverside where the filming was going on, a good 100 yards away though. I saw a car drive towards the parking bay designated for the crew and then come to a neat stop.

  I knew it was she.

  Mira alighted from the driver’s side and a man not much older got out from the passenger’s side. I recognized him instantly. It had to be Mira’s husband. I could see Mira look around for a recognizable face while her husband scanned the film shoot with the glee I have seen so often on faces not familiar with the world of entertainment.

  An Indian Food Company representative ran up to her and guided her to where we were filming.

  Why was my heart beating so fast?

  ‘This is Akhil, my husband,’ Mira smiled politely at me as she made the introduction, though her eyes lingered on Kavita more than they did on me. ‘Akhil, this is Veer. He is handling the show for Pearl and Grey.’

  Akhil and I shook hands. Never in my life had I imagined I would be meeting Mira’s husband. In that instant, I felt like I had lost some big contest to him and this was the conciliatory handshake.

  ‘This is Kavita,’ I said, introducing her to Mira and Akhil. Kavita gave her ravishing art gallery smile and I saw Mira’s smile fade for a moment before it found its strength back.

  ‘How is it going, Veer? All good, I hope?’ Mira asked me, most businesslike.

  ‘Yes, it’s going to be a great film. We should be done tomorrow, I think,’ I said.

  ‘So, I believe Mira and you know each other from your days in Mumbai?’ Akhil asked. That gave it all away, that one question! I knew he knew. Mira had told him about us. She had told him in a way that it did not seem to matter to him much.

  ‘Yes, we do,’ I responded politely.

  ‘So Mira has dragged me here, and since it’s the weekend I didn’t really have an excuse,’ Akhil grinned.

  ‘It is a beautiful place to be dragged to; don’t you just love the countryside?’ Kavita asked impishly. Akhil’s grin turned into laughter as he agreed with Kavita. At some other point in time, under a different set of circumstances, I would have actually liked Akhil.

  ‘Why don’t we all meet for dinner after you guys finish shooting? I am into the world of finance and know nothing about advertising, and so I would really love to know how you guys conjure up so many ideas to sell products.’

  If Mira did not approve of Akhil’s dinner idea, she did not let it show.

  ‘Sure, we would love to, after all I am into the world of advertising and I would love to know how you guys are going to deal with Brexit,’ I joked.

  Akhil had a ready laugh. ‘Done deal. How is about 8 p.m.?’

  I looked over at Kavita. She accepted with a grin. ‘8 p.m. it is,’ she confirmed.

  Then, as I looked at Mira, I saw her smile crack. It felt like she was saying, ‘I know this seeing each other with different people is tough, Veer. What choice do we have?’

  She was surprised that I nodded, like I heard what she did not say.

  MIRA

  Saturday evening

  I was at the spa on Friday and kept my cell phone turned off. Mr Weston, being the efficient manager, had left a message both on my cell phone and on the house number detailing the plan of the advertisement shoot in Yorkshire. And should I want to go personally and attend the filming, it could be arranged.

  By the time I got home, Akhil had heard the messages on the house phone number already.

  ‘Planning to go and check the advertisement film being shot in Yorkshire?’ Akhil asked me very casually over dinner.

  I found my body tense at the suggestion. I had no intention of going and seeing Veer. The further I stayed away from him the better it would be for both of us. After his inebriated confession of love, I knew being around me and my husband would be tough on him.

  Who was I fooling? Being around him wasn’t easy for me either. In the past few days, as I found my anger towards Veer subside, I also noticed that my mind kept going back to all that he had said. That he still loved me, missed me, felt a physical ache in his arms to hold me . . . His words had reached deep inside the core of my being and, with that, everything that I had felt for all these years and managed to lock away came gushing back. Yes, I was better off keeping away from Veer.

  ‘Probably not,’ I said in response to Akhil’s question.

  ‘I think you should. Might be a good getaway from the city, and obsessive as you are, you might want to see for yourself how your advert is being shot.’

  He was right. Under normal circumstances I would have made the trip. But now I was wondering. What if Akhil was trying to figure out if Veer still meant something and if that was the reason that I was trying to keep away? The thought worried me.

  ‘I will go if you come with me,’ I said, looking Akhil straight in the eye as I spoke.

  ‘What am I going to do there?’

  ‘The same as me—pretend to understand the filming process and enjoy the landscape.’

  Akhil laughed and shook his head. I kept looking at him, refusing to take my eyes off him.

  ‘You are serious, aren’t you?’ he asked finally.

  I nodded and he threw his hands up in mock despair. ‘Serves me right for bringing it up!’

  I laughed, ‘Yes, it does!’

  Here I was then, going to dinner with my husband, my ex and his girlfriend. A fine motley crew!

  Kavita seemed like a nice, polished, central London girl. Second-generation Indian for certain because I could see more England in her than India. I hoped she made Veer happy.

  I looked at myself one last time in the mirror. A simple black dress that cut off just over my knees and a steel-grey shrug made my simple attire for the evening. A pair of black heels later I picked up the bottle of Chance, but stopped myself before I could put it on.

  That chance was gone.

  Akhil had made a reservation at an Italian restaurant in the city centre of Leeds. A table tucked away in the corner of the restaurant where the weekend revelry did not quite bother us. He did a fine job of looking dapper as well, a simple jacket on a pair of jeans and white shirt.

  Kavita and Veer came in soon after us. Veer had aged really well I could see. He wore the little salt in his hair with panache. He couldn’t be bothered with a jacket. I could see the hint of a chequered shirt under
a dark maroon sweater that he had paired with a pair of black jeans. Kavita on the other hand had obviously had more time to dress for dinner. A short black skirt over warm grey stockings and boots, a powder pink top, a designer bag and it was clear that this girl knew her fashion well.

  The hellos were said. Veer continued to look at me long after he had said his hello. Akhil was very perceptive and I did not want him to catch on to how Veer felt about me, even after all these years.

  Kavita and I were happy with the house wine. Akhil and Veer were happy to find a common interest in Jack Daniels.

  Akhil asked Kavita how Veer and she had met and Kavita told him about a wedding party which they both wanted to escape from and that they bonded outside the restaurant for what seemed like hours.

  I had an image of Kavita smoking outside the restaurant and Veer walking up to her and striking up a conversation. The mind is merciless, I concluded. It makes you imagine just the kind of things that you want to escape from. Kavita described in great detail the funny one-liners that Veer gave her just to win her over.

  ‘Ah! The advertising man had an unfair advantage with his witty mind,’ Akhil said with a grin. ‘Give me an example of a line he threw at you,’ he added.

  Kavita was only too happy to oblige. ‘So he comes up to me and says, “Ah! There are you are!” So I look at him and wonder who is this guy who is behaving so familiar. Then he looks grim and says to me, “You shouldn’t have left the party that way, was not very responsible of you.” So now I am really confused. What was he going on about? I had no idea! “What do you mean?” I asked him. He grinned and said, “The entire party just plunged into darkness after the light walked out!”’

  Akhil laughed out loud and Veer only shook his head in an embarrassed smile. But I was suddenly overcome with something I had never felt before. Out of my frost-covered past a searing hot pain came at me that pierced through my heart without warning. I felt intense pain.