Fantasy Online_Hyperborea

by Harmon Cooper

  “You said that already,” Hiccup growls.

  “I’m done talking about this. DONE. Carl, Joni, let’s get out of here.”

  “Carl and Joni?” Hiccup shakes his head. “Well, whatever your names are, we kicked your fickin’ asses and your daddy’s ass as well – pretty easy, if you ask me – so you might as well hand over the loot or at the very least, some experience points. Hell, a healing potion would be nice too, not that I need one right now.”

  The lead ninja advances towards Hiccup and lifts his weapon. “You will forever be our mortal enemies! FOREVER!”

  Zaena steps to the front of the group. As she does, she says something in Thulean to Hiccup that makes him scoff.

  “Please,” she tells the ninja, “lower your weapons. I have the feeling that we’re going to have plenty of enemies going forward, and I’d prefer to not add your clan to the list.” She places her three swords on the ground. The other one that she used to save Ryuk’s ass is still a couple of meters away. “Let’s talk this through.”

  The ninja takes a step back. He lowers his weapon again and says, “Okay, Thulean, I’ll make this incredibly simple for you and the two stupid commoners you are travelling with – return the statue to its original form and we’ll call it even.”

  Ryuk nods as he loads a clear marble into the pocket of his slingshot. “I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s definitely worth a try,” he announces to the confused-looking ninjas, “It may take me a second to get it right, so bear with me. Let’s just see what happens.”

  He ignores the disgruntled muttering of the ninjas, aims at the remains of the statue, and lets fly. As the clear marble hurls through the air, he says the command, “Rebuild statue!”

  The marble connects and ice creeps up and over the shards and fragments of stone.

  He hears one of the female ninjas cry out. “What the Hell is this? You’ve frozen him!”

  “Give me another chance,” Ryuk says before anyone else can comment. He looses another clear marble. “Rebuild statue!”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa … wait a minute! Holy fickin’ frijoles, Marbles!”

  Ryuk turns to find Hiccup with a thick topknot of pink hair at the top of his head.

  You’ve … you’ve cured my goblin-male pattern baldness! Fick yes! Twixy, eyes, now – I want my fans to see the new me.”

  FeeTwix turns to him and after a few seconds he gives Hiccup the thumbs up. “They love the new look! It’s so punk!”

  “Are you mocking me?” Hiccup twists his finger in his pink hair. “What? Nothing? Liz? No comment?”

  “Anything that hides your head is an improvement!”

  Ryuk ignores them and shoots another marble. “Rebuild statue!” A flash, a clap of thunder and a giant granite block falls out of the air and smashes the rubble into pea gravel. He gulps; his neck prickles as he feels the ninjas glaring at his thus-far ineffectual ass.

  “Let me try again,” he tells them, “a couple more times.”

  Another shot. With a tremendous smoky FOOF, the rubble turns a virulent, sulfurous yellow. The ninjas howl for a moment, and Ryuk does his best to calm them again.

  FeeTwix: Enough with the parlor tricks, Ryuk; they’re getting really, really annoyed!

  After a deep breath, he pulls back on the pocket and releases the marble. “Rebuild statue … please!”

  The marble connects and the giant block of granite vanishes. Above the statue’s plinth, the frozen ochre pea gravel swirls into the air in a multicolored, whirling vortex lit with pulsing flashes of yellow energy.

  The ninjas ooh and ahh like spectators at a Chinese-New-Year-Guy-Fawkes-Fourth-of-July-Bastille-Day fireworks display with free beer.

  Within the vortex, that statue takes shape and settles into its original position; the towering five-meter-tall warrior is as it was and has always been.

  Skill level up!

  The cherry blossom ninjas grudgingly admit that ‘it’ll probably be okay’ and send the Mitherfickers on their way. Ryuk quickly reads the results of his skill level up.

  Skill: A Simple Request

  Level Three: 1 in 6.5 chance of a request being granted.

  Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

  Requirements: LUCK > 6

  (x)__(x)

  “I still can’t believe they didn’t give us any treasure,” Hiccup laments as the Mitherfickers exit the cherry blossom ninja temple.

  Ryuk looks down at the stone stairs, knowing all too well that the forest below is filled with enemies. He’ll need another healing potion to be sure; the goblin only bottle fed him half of one.

  “At least they agreed not to make us their mortal enemies. That’s got to count for something,” FeeTwix adds. “But I agree and they could have healed us.”

  “Exactly. Fickin’ ninjas are such cheap fickers. Sure, they may look all cool in their slick outfits – not the pink kiddie fickers in there, but others, you guys know what I’m talking about – but damn if they aren’t cheapskates. I’d hate to go on a date with one.”

  Zaena stops. “Why don’t we use this?” She extends her hand, showing off the ring that FeeTwix bought her in Sotla. “My pocket sauna will heal us to full health after thirty minutes of rest.”

  “How do we use it?” Ryuk asks.

  “Do you remember what the shop owner said?” she asks FeeTwix.

  “No, but hold up a second.” FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as messages from his fans pour in. “Okay, got it. Pretty simple, actually! First, place the ring on the ground. Using your finger, draw a circle around the ring and once you’ve done so, instruct the other people in your party to touch the ring. The ring bearer should be the last person to touch it, as the ring will disappear with that person.”

  “Disappear to where?” Hiccup asks.

  “A sauna in Sotla. The Sotlian Health and Wellness Center has dozens of individual saunas. We’ll take whichever one is available.”

  “And how do we come back?” Ryuk asks. “Do the same thing again?”

  FeeTwix nods. “Yup, and it’ll take us right back here.”

  “Before anyone starts tossing any rings,” Hiccup says, “let’s at least walk to the bottom of these damn stairs. Then we won’t have to do it later. That’s called thinking with your noggin.” He taps the side of his head.

  At the base of the stairs, Zaena performs the prescribed ritual and Hiccup is the first to step up. He bends over, gripes about his lower back, and touches the ring. His body compresses into a thin line and disappears.

  “I got next!” FeeTwix drops into the front leaning rest position and touches the ring with his forehead. Zaena laughs as his body narrows and vanishes.

  “My turn.”

  Ryuk touches the ring and instantly appears inside a steamy room.

  To his left is a bamboo privacy screen that divides the room. Four towels hang from the wall and oversized lockers are to the right, big enough for some pretty hefty war gear. Directly in front of him is the sauna.

  Zaena appears and FeeTwix loops an arm around her waist.

  Hiccup peels out of his clothes and armor and drops them in a pile around his stubby calloused toes. At the best of times he is unattractive; naked, he is even less an object of beauty and desire. The goblin is pear-shaped, scabrous and warty; his derrière is flat and covered in red splotches; his vile and disgusting sporting equipment defies description. He enters the sauna and takes up as much space as he can.

  FeeTwix’s eyes turn blue. “My viewers have definitely seen enough.” His brow furrows. “Crap, some of them are already making memes about Hiccup’s booty. I’ll forward you some.”

  “I’m good.” Ryuk says as he takes off his dream armor. The armor shrinks with each part he removes. As if it were designed by some Japanese obsessive-compulsive neat-freak, all the pieces fit together into a nice little storable package.

  FeeTwix takes the easy route: he snaps his fingers and he’s suddenly in a DisNike Lumière gold™ Beauty and the Beast 3 speedo. “
Here goes nothing,” he says as he grabs his towel and enters the sauna. Ryuk enters next, in a pair of boxers with a Daruma image over his left leg.

  “You guys are too modest,” Hiccup says. “We’re in a sauna; if there is a better reason to be naked with your friends, I don’t know what it is.”

  Zaena enters with a towel wrapped tightly around her body and sits near FeeTwix. Ryuk’s eyes trace over her light green shoulders, looking for any sign of a bra strap.

  He stops himself from staring any longer by looking at Hiccup’s new pink hair, which is matted to the goblin’s face. New hair, new arm – the goblin isn’t doing too badly since he joined the group.

  “Might as well speed up the process.” A half-filled healing potion materializes in Hiccup’s grimy paw. He takes a sip from it, savors the moment, and places the bottle between his legs, thankfully covering his chalupa.

  “Good news, Ryuk,” says FeeTwix. “Your weapon will be ready in about three hours. She’ll meet us in Jatla and deliver it in person. Three hours should be enough time to make our way through the Jatla Forest.”

  “Have her meet us in Aramis.” Ryuk was toying with the idea earlier, but now it all seems so clear, especially with the cryptic oblique phrase provided by Hajime this morning.

  FeeTwix and Zaena turn to him. “Aramis?” the Swede asks. “That’s where the Shinigami are.”

  “Exactly. I was think … ” His face fills with life as his words come at a rapid pace. “I think we are going about this the wrong way. We were planning to level up tonight and early tomorrow then meet them at the Hour of the Rabbit, were we not?”

  “That’s the plan,” says the goblin, “I figured we could go the Cape of Chukchis this evening. Lots of orcs there to battle. It shouldn’t be hard to find the Shinigami either; hell, I can call on some connects in Aramis to check out the Guild District. Should have mentioned that earlier.”

  “Here’s the thing,” Ryuk says, “I’ve been thinking about the difference between our guild and the Shinigami. One main difference is our levels, as both Hiccup and Zaena have pointed out. We don’t know what level they are, nor do we know their numbers. Further, we’re walking right into a trap, especially if we meet them at the time and place of their choosing. How, then, can we emphasize the difference between our two guilds?”

  “Easy,” FeeTwix says, “We can get stronger and do all the auto-leveling we can do.”

  “No,” Ryuk says, his thoughts clearer than they’ve been in weeks, “we emphasize our differences by playing to our advantage.”

  “What’s our advantage again?” Hiccup asks. “You got a fickin’ goblin here with a mechanical arm, a Thulean who – sorry sister – ain’t amongst the most powerful, and a Swede who’s constantly shilling for crazy-ass real world products and is more about boosting his number of viewers than he is about getting the job done. And don’t forget about the dour dude with his magic fickin’ slingshot and seems to be on a one man mission to make the whole emo thing all cool again.”

  The three turn to Hiccup.

  “What?” he asks with wide-eyed innocence. “I talked shit about myself too. I mean, really, I’m a goblin with a mechanical arm and a good head of hair. That’s about as useful as a kick in the chalupa from a Saiduka giant with a pointy shoe if you ask me.”

  “He’s right,” Ryuk finally says, “about us not having a combat advantage no matter what we do between now and then. But that’s not the advantage I’m talking about here. Just think about it: we have a Thulean assassin and a guy with three hundred items in his inventory list. We have a goblin who knows the ways of the street.”

  Hiccup snorts.

  “What? You do, don’t you?”

  “That’s one way to put it.”

  “And we have me, a resetter who seems to have retained echoes of his ninja abilities. What I’m saying here is this – we go to Aramis today, tonight, and get to work. If we can figure out where the Shinigami are staying, we’ll be able catch them off guard. You have bombs, right?” he asks FeeTwix.

  “Does a cat secretly plot your death while you’re asleep? Of course I have explosives.”

  “Then that’s what we do, a preemptive strike, to use your earlier terminology. Get intel tonight, hit them early in the morning.”

  “I’m in,” Zaena says, inspiration visible in her eyes. “This is the best idea I’ve heard all day.”

  “Let’s do it,” FeeTwix agrees. “It’s time to bring the pain to these fuckers.”

  The three return their gazes to Hiccup. The goblin clears his throat and says, “We’ll need money for supplies. Armor and healing potions. I’ll need to eat, and eat well, a big meal.”

  Ryuk considers this for a moment. “Fine. Once we get to town, I want you to take all of our rupees and get to work. I don’t care how we get what we need; it’s your call.”

  The goblins eyes go wide. “You want me to gamble for the Mitherfickers?”

  “No, I want you to win for the Mitherfickers.”

  New skill learned!

  Skill: Inspire Others

  Level One: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.

  Requirements: LUCK > 5

  “Fick yeah!” Hiccup slams his fist against the bench. “You’ve finally grown a pair, Marbles. Not a big pair, but it’s a start.”

  With that, he finishes off his healing potion and drops it to the floor. A copy of Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom appears in his paws. “What?” he asks as he thumbs through the heavily dog-eared book. “It’s break time. Inspirational speech, Ryuk, great job. Reminds me of Patton. Now everyone chill the fick out and heal up for a bit.”

  Chapter 15: Game changer

  Ryuk’s removes his NV Visor and lets out a heartfelt sigh.

  His room is dark, the heavy blinds pulled tightly shut. The back of the chair compresses, and he waits a few moments for things to settle. He stands, feels his leg muscles quiver and turns to his bedroom door. In Tritania, his avatar is auto-leveling, on its way back to the entrance of the Jatla Forest.

  He’ll join the others in Aramis in a couple of hours.

  “Hajime,” he says as soon as he steps into the living room. A corona of light forces him to shield his eyes with his arm. The glass coffee table is moved aside and the humandroid sits with his legs in full lotus on a cushion in front of the couch. He opens his eyes, and offers Ryuk a soft grin.

  “Good afternoon.”

  “I used your quote,” Ryuk tells him with excitement. “Okay, that’s not how I meant for that to sound, I meant to say I was inspired by your quote and, um, thinking about led me to come up with a new solution to our guild’s problem.”

  “Oh?”

  “We were supposed to meet Shinigami in one more in-game day, as you know. They are definitely stronger than us. The original plan was to go to their city and meet them at the agreed upon time. You know, play by their rules. But that’s not what we’re doing now. We’re going tonight and we’ll see if we can catch them off guard.”

  The humandroid thinks this over for a moment. “So, you’ve found their exact location then?”

  “No, but we will, using our collective skills. That’s the only way I could think of to emphasize the differences between them and us.”

  “Good. Are you hungry?” Hajime uncrosses his legs.

  “Nope, I’m fine, breakfast was big enough.” His stomach grumbles in protest. He looks down at it, and back at Hajime. “Actually, maybe I could use a snack.”

  A prompt appears:

  “Don’t worry about it; I can get something.” Ryuk moseys into the kitchen, opens the breadbasket and pops a piece of thick bread into the toaster oven. As it warms up, the smell of toasting bread makes him aware of just how hungry he actually is. Once it reaches the requisite state of golden-brown perfection, he slathers it with Nutellé enhanced with vitamins, minerals, and soy protein. On his way to the table, he also grabs a box of str
awberry Pockies. “So what are we doing?” he asks Hajime. “You asked me to log out … ”

  “Research,” Hajime says, “but we’re not doing it here.” The humandroid lets his hair down and then tightens it into a man bun. “I think fresh air would do us some good.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Let’s go to Yoyogi Park. It’s a weekday, and I don’t expect too many people to be out aside from mothers and older people.”

  Ryuk grins at the humandroid’s astute observation. Most places populated during the day in Tokyo were populated by two distinct classes – mothers and their offspring and active retirees.

  “Sure, let’s go to the park.”

  “Good, I’ll change into something more outdoor appropriate.”

  As Ryuk eats the toast and Pocky, he sips from a small can of Boss coffee. A picture of a grizzled, weather-beaten American actor he’s never heard of is plastered on the front of the can. The actor holds both hands together forming a finger gun, and is in the process of blowing smoke over the barrel. The phrase Shoot to Thrill,スリルにシュート, is written in vibrant letters above the actor’s finger gun.

  Ryuk briefly checks his avatar’s progress over iNet.

  The Mitherfickers are up against a rogue ninja riding a bearadillo.

  Their teamwork strategies are shaping up and currently, Hiccup is using his big-o-shield to protect Zaena while she does her slice and dice act using her ghost limbs. Ryuk’s avatar is the furthest back, firing off knife marbles from behind a tree. For his part, FeeTwix is making his way around the bearadillo, to attack it from behind while it’s distracted.

  The screen disappears from his pane of vision with a single thought.

  He could also use his fingertips to control his iNet access screen, as every Japanese citizen now has subcutaneous sensors in their fingertips, but Ryuk usually sticks with using his mind to issue and interpret commands.

  Case in point: as he thinks about the weather, a manga-inspired icon of a rain cloud presents itself. An icon tells him that it is two degrees Celsius outside and that he can expect rain in the evening. The cloud bows at him, asks him to please dress warmly and to make sure he brings both gloves and a hat, just in case the temperature drops when he is out. It then flashes an Old Banana Navy Gap Republic coupon for a free knit hat with purchase of two scarves.