Nursing Myself Back

by Kara Liane

Then, I raise my head and move my other hand behind her head, pulling her to my lips. I devour her in a frenzied kiss. She has to push me away at one point so she can draw breath. Clearly, I’m a little overzealous.

  She’s breathy when she jokes, “Obviously, someone’s happy…Daddy.”

  She smiles, and I have to wonder if it’s possible to be more in love with her? Daddy has the best ring to it. I’m going to be a father!

  “I don’t know why I was so nervous to tell you. I’m sorry. I’ve known for a little while now. Of course, we got pregnant the night of the wedding. I thought you’d be so mad at me for not telling you sooner. I shouldn’t have kept this from you. I was just scared something would be wrong and you’d be crushed if I miscarried. Still, it’s no excuse. You don’t know how relieved I am that you’re so overjoyed,” she says through happy tears.

  Her watery smile shows she’s not done with the news. “By the way, my due date is December eighth…,” she imparts, but trails off.

  She takes a deep breath, and I suspect there’s still more. And then it comes.

  “There’s one more thing. We may not make it to December eighth,” she explains.

  I’m confused, so I ask for clarification, “Why’s that, sweetness?”

  “Because we’re having twins, and given my age and the fact that most multiples are born early, well, I have a feeling they’ll arrive before they’re supposed to,” she conveys while putting her hand on top of my hand, which is still resting on her belly.

  “Are you shitting me?” I screech rather loudly.

  She giggles, “Shh! Keep your voice down. We don’t want to wake the kids.”

  “Holy fuck! Do they know?” I wonder.

  “No, I thought we’d tell them together. Maybe in the morning. I mean, this isn’t something I feel like sharing over pancakes and eggs, but I can tell my mommy pooch is going to pop out any time now, so I can’t very well keep this under wraps for much longer. I’m already thirteen weeks along tomorrow. We’re out of the woods as far as the first trimester, which is why I—again selfishly—didn’t tell you to begin with. But now that you’re the first to know, I feel the kids deserve to be the second.” She looks to me for my agreement.

  “Absolutely. But I have to ask, where does this leave us?” I’m scared shitless to hear her reply.

  “Can we take it one day at a time?” She begs nervously.

  It’s not what I want to hear, but I’ll take it!

  “Of course,” I respond.

  I then pick up the chair that fell over and pull it up next to hers. I sit down and grab her hand, lacing our fingers together. We don’t say anything more, just sit and watch the fire go out—it’s not a sign of hope being lost. It’s a sign of a new beginning being forged from the ashes.

  Chapter 27: Double-Take

  Liezel

  July 21, 2018

  It’s wedding day…for Shanna and Anthony, that is.

  You wouldn’t know she had a baby in May because, damn did that girl get her figure back quickly, as did Caylan. And then there’s me. I blew up like a tick overnight, it seems.

  The bride and groom aren’t having a big to-do. It’s very low key. It’s another wedding being held at Alexi’s lake house, and it’s stunning. The attendants consist mostly of our gang, as well as Anthony’s staff from his clinic, Shanna’s girlfriends from art school, and Anthony’s parents and siblings. Also, Shanna’s dad flew in from Oklahoma.

  I’m so happy for the couple. Both Zane and Leia are the ring bearers, and each kiddo is carried down the aisle with a little pillow tied onto their wrist. Zane has Shanna’s ring, and Leia has the ring for her daddy. Of course, Emeline is the flower girl, and she toddles down the aisle with Brent’s dog Maverick.

  This is how I’d want my own wedding to be.

  We girls are wearing coordinating summer dresses, and the guys are dressed in khaki pants with matching checkered shirts. Shanna tried to get us to wear cowgirl boots, but we vetoed that idea. Instead, we’re wearing flip flops. There’s a nice breeze in the trees from the lake, so it’s not sweltering hot and unbearable. It’s simply marvelous! The branches have garden lanterns hanging from them, and the patio has a sophisticated barnyard feel to it.

  Shanna is wearing an adorable short white lace dress with fancy white sandals outfitted with rhinestones. She also has a white cowgirl hat on that’s stunning against her red hair. Anthony can’t stop grinning, and I think his face is going to permanently stay that way. Gah! It’s all so adorable.

  I can’t get over how much our lives have all changed the last few years since Caylan entered it. She really was the catalyst to help us all get our compasses to point in the right direction. I feel I owe her so much.

  The wildflowers that make up our gorgeous bouquets are wonderfully fragrant, and the reception we’ll have after consists of a good ole backyard barbeque feast. My mouth is already watering. When you’re pregnant, with twins no less, food is on your mind a lot!

  My kids were thrilled for Caleb and me over the baby news, and that camping trip solidified our relationship—it made us whole. After the trip, Leah had another illuminating mother-daughter talk with me about how I’m being stubborn and should’ve already married Caleb. I adore her, but I explained to her that some things don’t work like that.

  However, I’m now in a place where I’m finally ready. Once Caleb and I started officially dating, I quickly discovered it wasn’t good enough for me. I want more!

  I’m actually going to ask HIM to marry me this time!

  Our circle of friends were quite shocked by our baby news. We all had a get-together at Caylan’s and announced it to everyone. Nonetheless, they were over the moon for us. Addison cocked her brow at me as if to say, see, I knew the poem worked. And interestingly, Alexi was the most shocked of our friends, yet still happy for us—I appreciate his brotherly ways and will always value that quality in him.

  Next week is our big appointment for the anatomy scan and when we finally get to find out the gender of the twins. I’m so excited I may pee! Although, I pee over everything. Even standing up makes me need to run for the potty. It already feels like there’s no room. How the hell will I make it until December? Sorry if that’s gross, but that’s the way things are.

  As I reminisce about the weekend after our camping trip, I’ll admit that Caleb and I finally made love again. It was out of this world and incredible. I swear these pregnancy hormones are making me horny all the time. He was so worried about hurting me, but he needn’t worry because I explained that everything still functions the same—it makes me chuckle at how protective he is.

  Caleb has made me feel beautiful and desired every chance he gets. I’ll let you in on a surprise: I’m going to remedy the just dating part today and make him mine! Ha ha, that sounds so strange, but it’s true. All the single genties, put your hands up—I like it, so I’ll definitely put a ring on it! Now you’re probably singing the real version to yourself—you’re welcome; I love that song.

  I’m standing here as a bridesmaid thinking all this while the wedding is going on around me. Oh my God, they just exchanged their vows and the rings. Now it’s party time and proposal time!

  ***

  Caleb

  So, I’ve finally cracked.

  I’m standing here as a groomsman, and I can’t wait any longer for Liz. I’m going to ask her to marry me…tonight. I won’t do it in public again—I’m not taking any chances of scaring her off. I’ll do it in private. I plan on taking her out on the lake before sunset in a small canoe and asking her there.

  I already got permission from the kids, as well as their blessing, so I’m in! Plus, I talked to Anthony and Shanna, and they said my proposal tonight would in no way take away from their wedding.

  Everything is set. Now it’s barbeque time, and I only have to wait about four more hours until I pop the question and finally have my goddess among us.

  ***

  Liezel

  I feel like I�
�m making a pig of myself, but I can’t help it. The food is delicious. Whoever did the catering nailed the menu!

  I think I’m nervous-eating too because I’m going to make an ass of myself when I ask for Caleb’s hand. He went all out for me on the first proposal and put himself out there, so I’m going to do the same in front of friends and family. I talked to Shanna right before the wedding to see if she wouldn’t mind me asking Caleb during the reception. She couldn’t stop giggling, as if she knew something I didn’t; luckily, she didn’t have an issue with it. In fact, she strongly encouraged me.

  I talked to my kids before I had to do my bridesmaid duties, and they seemed to find it funny too. Leah threw her arms around me and told me, “It’s about time.” Shanna also suggested that while the toasts and speeches are going on, I make one, then turn it into the proposal. It’s an awesome idea. Now to execute!

  The best man is Gil, and the maid of honor is Addison. They recite their speeches and then Addison announces to everyone that I have a toast to make. I take a deep breath and take the plunge.

  I stand up next to Caleb, who’s seated. He gives me a funny look because clearly everyone is confused as to why I’m speaking, but I’m determined to do this thing.

  “Hello, everyone. So, my toast is going to be a little different, if you’ll indulge me,” I begin as I clear my throat.

  I reach for a sip of water, then apologize and tell the crowd I’m nervous. Caleb smiles away at me. He’s so unsuspecting of what I’m about to do.

  “Anthony and Shanna’s love for one another, and their love for their child, is why we’re here today. I asked Shanna if I could speak because it’s couples like them who we all aspire to emulate.” I look at my dear friends seated around the patio area.

  “In moments like this, we’re reminded that life brings surprises and miracles. Life’s all about twists and turns. And in my case, trysts and fate.” I wink at Addison for partially quoting Caylan’s epic poem—wow, maybe I can pull off a wink after all.

  I sip my water again, then put the glass back down.

  “My children, and my unborn children, are my miracles in life. They’re my reason for existing. But I’ve also found the sweetest reason for enjoying life. And that happened when Caleb came into mine.” I turn toward my man, staring him down and pouring my heart and soul into my words and to make sure it shows through my eyes.

  “Caleb, you are my perfect too. I’m also owl about you. I never thought I’d find a love that could exist between two people like this. At times, I don’t feel I deserve you, but then, when one of the twins karate chops me from the inside, I think it’s you who doesn’t deserve me.” Everyone starts laughing at my joke—sometimes I can be humorous too!

  “But seriously, it’s taken me a long time to feel worthy or deserving of what you’ve given me. I promise to spend my life making you feel the same…if you’ll let me. So, Caleb, will you please complete my life by joining yours with mine?” I ask with tears running down my face.

  Of course, I have to make another joke when I explain, “And, just know, I really can’t get down on one knee for this.”

  Everyone chuckles, and I reach into my purse to pull out a ring box, then pop it open. Inside sits a silver band, and he’ll find out later it’s engraved inside with two kissing owls.

  There’s so much emotion surrounding us, and I can feel it spilling out from all who are present. All eyes are on Caleb as he’s sitting in his chair with his mouth hanging open.

  Finally, he reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a ring box, the same innocuous ring box that he presented to me all those weeks ago.

  “I was going to propose to you tonight,” he states while shaking his head, still in an apparent form of shock.

  Everyone erupts into laughter and applause, and I hear various voices chanting, “Say yes, say yes!”

  “That’s a big hell yes!” Caleb confirms, standing up, and he gently dips me back while he takes my lips.

  The crowd continues cheering, hooting, and hollering. My happy tears are still flowing, and I think some of Caleb’s drip down onto my face. When he repositions me and I’m upright, he kneels down and kisses my belly, then places my sparkling princess-cut diamond engagement ring on my finger—I’m surprised it’s not in the shape of a cookie, I laugh to myself in my head. I take his band out of the box and place it on his finger.

  “You’re stuck with me now,” I taunt while grinning and hugging him.

  He quips back with, “And I have witnesses, so you can’t rescind the contractual agreement you’re making here today, unless you want to go to court.”

  “Take it up with my lawyer!” I say sassily.

  He gives me one more kiss, and I say in my mind, yup, we’re perfect!

  Epilogue

  Liezel

  November 17, 2018

  No more ghosts.

  No more secrets.

  Only us.

  It’s been magical. We wed in September right before Caleb’s thirty-fifth birthday. We had a backyard wedding at our new house. Simple, understated, and an utterly perfect ceremony.

  The kids were more than happy to leave behind our old house and start fresh with new memories. It’s a two-story, six-bedroom home, so the only ones who have to share, of course, are Caleb and I. We’re going to put the twins in one room for now, and then they’ll have the other as a playroom. As they get older, they’ll need to be separated.

  It’s Tyler’s senior year, and he’s still hanging out with Ellie; I knew it was only a matter of time before one of the boys got a girlfriend. Kurt joined Civil Air Patrol at the start of the school year and stays busy with that. He uses Skype to contact Tech Sergeant Jefferson now and then—I’m so glad he found another mentor. Leah continues to show her disinterest in boys for the time being, and she’s having fun doing my hair just about every morning as it’s gotten so long from the months of prenatal vitamins.

  The kids still receive therapy at school, but it’s more or less a way for the counselors to check up on them—everyone’s doing great! As a family, we all share our feelings and continue to have family meals, movie nights, ice cream outings, and game night. It seems like the kids helping us prepare for the twins has been a full-time job—double everything requires all hands on deck. Painting exhausted us, but we managed to get it done. The room is complete!

  The nursery is decorated in none other than owls, and Caleb has stocked our house with plenty of lilacs and daffodils even when they’re not in season. Our camper is parked next to our house, and Caleb said he’ll upgrade to a fifth wheel travel trailer as the twins grow. The man knows no bounds!

  Out of all the things to be excited about with having newborns again, do you believe I’m jumping for joy at getting to carry around a diaper bag? My God, I miss the days of having a diaper bag act as my purse; it’s so incredibly convenient with all the stuff you can carry in there. The downside is, I know we won’t ever sleep for the first few years of their lives, but I can deal with that. I’ll have help this time with a doting husband and father.

  Caleb and I agonized over what to name our babies. Did I tell you we’re having a boy and girl? Our little boy will be named Cristoff Curtis Daniels. We chose Cristoff to honor Christopher and Curtis to show Kurt some love. Then, our baby girl will be Leanna Tyla Daniels; named after a combination of Leah and Tyler.

  I was so overwhelmed when the kids asked if they could take Caleb’s last name. He’s in the process of adopting them, and my heart about exploded from all the love this family has. And speaking of adopting, Brent and Everly submitted their application to adopt a child. Everly is still interested in having one naturally, but because of her childhood, she wanted to give a home to a little boy or girl in need; it’s the most lovely and selfless thing a person can do.

  I did something therapeutic at the end of September that I wish I would’ve done a long time ago. It was Caleb’s idea, actually. That man is beyond brilliant and supportive. I wrote a letter to my dece
ased parents. He even drove me all the way up to Rhode Island to visit their graves. I haven’t been back to my hometown since the day I left. It was good to clear the air, so to speak. We ended up taking the camper and making a big trip of it before we winterized it and parked it for the off-season.

  It was difficult for me to visit their graves and place the letter atop their joint headstone. Lots of tears. Lots of apologies. But I’m glad I did it. The kids got to see where their grandparents were laid to rest. I also visited William’s parents during the trip. We had a heart-to-heart, and they told me they were bitter and angry for many years, but they don’t wish me any ill will. I wouldn’t say we’re going to be friends, but we can at least have a civilized conversation now.

  After talking with the kids, we also decided to give the urn to William’s parents. Bill and Anna promised me they’d sprinkle his ashes somewhere special. They said maybe by the old fishing spot he used to go to as a kid with his dad. They were incredibly grateful I brought him home to them. We all agreed we wanted William to be free of the urn so he’d never be confined or held prisoner to a vessel ever again. Forgiveness does wonders for a person’s mind, body, and spirit.

  Gil and Addison are planning a springtime wedding for next year, so we all have that to look forward to. They’re still not ready for kids, but we all know it will happen eventually. Meg is all set and ready to take pictures of the twins as soon as they’re born. She did my maternity shoot, and the pictures turned out amazing. They’re on our mantle in our living room, along with our wedding photos, as well as the kids’ school photos. Of course, I lovingly framed the latest sonogram image of Baby A and Baby B. Cristoff is A, and B is Leanna.

  Caleb said a while back that he needed to get a big gift for Caylan and Alexi for everything they did for us. He went all out and got them ballroom dance lessons for a full year. I know Caylan will love it, and Alexi will hate it, yet he’ll attend for her. Caleb is eager to give them the gift tonight and rib Alexi about it.