The Birds and the Bees

by Milly Johnson

  She spent the last half an hour trying to keep her fingernails out of her mouth. She had French manicured them herself and they looked quite nice, although they weren’t long talons like Jo’s because she had to keep them short for typing. She was so nervous that when Adam was thirty seconds late she was all for ringing him to say she wasn’t going–but just as she was doing the five-billionth check that there was no lipstick on her teeth, she heard a car pull up outside. Her legs wouldn’t move. She heard the car door shut, she heard his steps, she heard his heavy rap on the door. Maybe if she pretended she wasn’t in…

  Telling herself off for being so pathetic, Stevie got up, went out into the hall and opened the door. Adam was wearing the same colour shirt as her dress. He looked big and blue and a bit handsome, and she found that her breath got all snagged up in her throat and she gave a little involuntary gasp.

  He, meanwhile, gave her a discreet look up and down, then said quietly and as if surprised, ‘You look nice.’

  ‘Oh…er…thanks,’ coughed Stevie, who was quite thrown, seeing as she hadn’t expected a compliment from him, not in a million years. She thought it only polite to give one back. ‘So do you, actually.’

  ‘Aye, well, enough of the Mutual Appreciation Society annual day oot, let’s get tae the party,’ he grumbled, suddenly impatient. Stevie, who found she was a lot more comfortable with Adam MacLean in hostile mode than being a pretend nice-person, took a deep breath and climbed into the passenger seat.

  The journey to Will and Pam’s house was too short. They had to park up at the end of the street as there were so many cars. Stevie’s heart was boom-booming and she was trembling with tension. When Adam turned off the ignition, he didn’t look too keen to get out of the car himself.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ said Stevie.

  ‘You…we’ll be fine.’ Sounds of laughter and music filtered into the ensuing silence that hung between them. ‘I’m a wee bit scared myself for the record,’ he added eventually.

  ‘Are you?’

  ‘Aye.’

  And scared as she was, it was Stevie who said, ‘Well, come on, we know what we’re doing. Let’s get on with it,’ and with that she opened the car door.

  Contrary to what she thought might happen i.e. that the world would stop revolving and there would be a silence so profound that if a pin dropped it would deafen everyone within a forty-mile radius, what actually transpired was that Adam rang Pam’s doorbell, Pam answered, kissed and hugged them both and shoved them out into the back garden. There, they fell straight into the welcoming company of Catherine and Eddie, who were halfway down their first lagers. Adam, with his advantage of height, did a quick sweep of the merrily drinking crowds, but there was no sign of the lovebirds. He shook his head and Stevie was a paradoxical mix of relieved and disappointed.

  ‘They’re just around the corner to the left,’ said Catherine in a low whisper. Then she started doing an odd eye-blinking thing to Stevie, as if trying to deliver a message in Morse code. Bizarre as it was, Stevie understood it. But then they had been friends for four thousand years.

  ‘Oh…er…Adam, I know you’ve seen Catherine but you haven’t really said a proper hello yet so, anyway…erm…this is Catherine and Eddie, my best friends. Cath, Eddie–this is Adam.’ Hands were shaken and smiles exchanged. He had quite a nice smile, Stevie noticed, as he flashed it at Catherine. Modest, warm and genuine.

  ‘Can I get you a drink, mate?’ said Eddie.

  ‘Naw, thanks. I think we’ll head awf and get one ourselves in a wee minute,’ said Adam, taking another look around and waving at someone.

  ‘You look bloody lovely,’ whispered Catherine to Stevie.

  ‘Do I? I could be sick with nerves!’

  ‘You look like a proper couple. You’re both glowing. Interesting, that.’

  ‘Oh shut up. I just wish they’d see us and be done with it. Where’s Danny?’

  Catherine pointed over to the Bouncy Castle. He was with Catherine’s brood and having the time of his life.

  ‘He won’t come over even if you shout. You are one of the forgotten, like us,’ said Catherine, and gently pushed her forward. ‘Go and be seen, my love.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Adam, and he reached down and took up her hand. Stevie stared at it enclosed in his big square one and rounded her eyes at Catherine, who gave her a sly thumbs-up and a schoolgirl-giddy smile. Then, as if she was attached to a very energetic Doberman Pinscher, Stevie lurched forwards as Adam proceeded to move.

  ‘There they are,’ said Adam, tightening his grip. ‘Stay calm and if you want to pretend you haven’t seen them, keep your eyes right on the conservatory.’

  It was Catherine, watching in the background, who recorded what happened next. As she was to tell it later to Stevie, Jo and Matthew were walking slowly back into the throng engaged in beautiful couple conversation with an equally tall and willowy pair. As Jo’s lovely head swung around, her eyes touched upon her ex, holding hands with Stevie, and her whole body seemed to stiffen to the extent that, for a moment, she was almost one of Pam’s garden statues. Matthew followed her eye-path and saw them too. He hadn’t imagined it then, they really were a couple. Here was the indisputable proof. Both of them watched as Adam moved fluidly towards the drinks table. Then he bent to Stevie as if to ask her what she wanted, and she placed a hand at the back of his neck as she was speaking into her ear.

  Beautiful! thought Catherine, watching the little touch that spoke of more intimacy than if they’d started shagging on the grass in front of everyone. Then Adam poured her a drink first and himself one second, then they very gently chinked their glasses and, after a respectable time, with a protective arm curled around her, Adam steered her back in the direction of her friends. Their movements were Bolshoi Ballet perfect.

  Matthew’s mouth hung so widely open, it would have been easy to think the shock had dislocated his jaw. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that if they were together, they would be so brazen as to be seen in public. And what’s more, they were acting as if they had been together years, easy and comfortable in each other’s company. And she was holding his hand! He stole a tentative look at Jo, who now knew what he did, and he was suddenly afraid at what that information would do to her. He could see her trying to act natural but she was a mess of nervous, annoyed gestures; the fingers on the hand not holding her glass were working at each other, her eyes were blinking and it was costing her a considerable effort to keep them away from her ex. Her smile was stiff. She looped her arm possessively through Matthew’s and forced him back into the conversation, but his brain was scrambled egg and he wasn’t contributing much other than the strained village idiot grin of the disengaged.

  ‘You did good,’ said Adam, kneading at the back of his neck. It felt as if someone had been using his muscles to do macramé.

  ‘I feel shaky as hell,’ said Stevie.

  ‘We’re okay. The worst is over and the good news is, I think it’s working.’

  ‘Oh, that was a beauty. Nicely understated,’ said Catherine, butting in. ‘Well, they definitely know now you’re a couple, and they both looked far from happy about it.’

  ‘Really?’ Adam and Stevie said in unison.

  ‘Everyone all right?’ said Pam, making her usual big appearance. ‘Stevie, I have to ask, when did you get to be so chuffing gorgeous?’

  Pam might as well have put her on a rotating pedestal with neon arrows pointing to her. Stevie blushed and fobbed the compliment off, as the others teased her. Adam found himself looking at her through man glasses and realized with a shock how lovely his companion appeared to everyone. Of course, he had given her a cursory once-over when he first saw her, but now he studied the detail of her–the tousled golden hair, the sky-blue eyes, the curves you could time eggs by. He wrenched his eyes quickly away, not wanting to look at her like that. That was not in his plan at all.

  Pam was laughing like a drain. She took Stevie’s drink fro
m her and gave it to Adam.

  ‘I’m taking this one away for a bit. I’ll bring her back safe and sound in a moment, promise,’ she said, threading her arm through Stevie’s and proceeding to lead her off. ‘Come here, you–I want to show you something.’ They walked off towards the conservatory because there was no saying ‘no’ to Pam. It was a family trait–you just didn’t argue with a née Manning girl.

  ‘What are you showing me then?’ asked Stevie.

  ‘Oh, this and that,’ said Pam enigmatically. ‘Come and look at my new conservatory.’ She picked off two glasses of champagne from a tray in the kitchen and led Stevie off to the big sunshiny room. Pam didn’t do ‘little’. Except Stevie. Stevie was a small person she was very glad to know.

  ‘So how’s married life?’ asked Stevie, after she had admired the huge comfy and colourful bouncy sofa in the room. If Pam had been an object of furniture, she would have been that sofa.

  ‘Fuck married life. Tell me about you and Adam MacLean. How long has that been going on?’

  ‘Oh…er…not long,’ bluffed Stevie.

  She would have to be careful in this interrogation. She didn’t want to lie to Pam, but neither did she want to blow it by spilling the beans that they were actually only pretending to be together. Pam’s mouth was as big as an aircraft hangar.

  ‘I have to say you could have knocked me down with a feather when I heard about you and Matthew, Steve.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Stevie.

  ‘You didn’t know it was coming?’

  ‘No, not a clue,’ said Stevie.

  ‘He’ll be sorry,’ said Pam, shaking her head. ‘When he comes to his senses.’

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Stevie. ‘Jo’s pretty spectacular.’

  ‘She’ll be even sorrier. I never took to her, you know. Neither did Will. Too far up her own arse,’ Pam said with a derisory sniff.

  ‘No?’ Okay, Stevie got a thrill that Pam and Will hadn’t liked Jo, especially because Pam was not the type to say something just to make her feel better.

  ‘Something cold about her, I always thought. Eyes like a dead haddock. Cut her up like a stick of rock and the word ME would be written all the way through. Not what I would have thought Matthew would go for at all, the stupid man. I do so like Matthew.’ Pam belched and tutted, ‘God, I’m such a class act! That’s posh drinks for you.’

  ‘Pardon you,’ said Stevie, grinning.

  ‘I don’t know Adam as well as I know Matthew, but he strikes me as a really nice guy and I hope it works out for you both. Will thinks he is a great bloke and you look really good together. Bloody odd but good.’ She clinked her glass against Stevie’s. ‘Shall I save you my wedding dress?’ She roared with laughter.

  ‘Let him get divorced first,’ said Stevie.

  ‘What you on about, girl? He’s a free agent–he is divorced.’

  ‘Divorced from Jo? What, already?’ Stevie was confused.

  ‘No, you barmpot. Divorced from his first wife. He’s not married to Jo. MacLean is her maiden name. One of those coincidences that probably started the conversational ball rolling between them,’ Pam huffed.

  ‘I never asked, I just presumed…’ said Stevie.

  ‘No, he was married a few years ago to someone else and she pissed off with her boss. Gold digger, by all accounts, but very good-looking. She took Adam for every penny she could, so Will said. Wouldn’t surprise me if Jo MacLean was the same, so thank God they weren’t married because I bet she would certainly try to rip the financial arse out of him. Apparently she wanted this big, fancy wedding thing but Adam, understandably, was a bit scared.’

  ‘Scared? Adam MacLean!’ scoffed Stevie, then added a quick re-balancing, ‘Er…I mean, my Adam scared?’

  ‘Awww, “my Adam”, that’s so sweet,’ said Pam, mocking her in a friendly, amused way. ‘Yes, scared. I suspect he wanted to make sure he had got it right this time, after losing everything he had to that Diane, I think her name was. He didn’t want to rush it. Personally, I think deep down he knew Jo wasn’t right for him and that’s why he was stalling.’ She suddenly grabbed Stevie and hugged her like a little doll. ‘Awww “My Adam”! I’m keeping you from him. Come on, you get back to the wee laddie before he gets withdrawal symptoms.’

  Pam pushed her through the door. ‘Enjoy yourself, Stevie. You deserve a bit of loving, and Adam MacLean looks like he needs a good woman for once,’ and with that Pam weaved off to interfere in someone else’s love-life, always with the very best of intentions.

  Cutting across the grass, Stevie turned her face bravely towards her nemesis. Jo was staring at her with narrowed arrogant eyes that wanted to slice her up into little pieces. Then, as Stevie shifted her eyes to Matthew, he suddenly broke from Jo’s side as if he was coming over, only to be stopped by Jo’s hand on his arm. Then she said something incredibly intense to him but tried to disguise it as normal conversation. Matthew looked withered. Jo was actually telling him off. This bizarre, crazy plan of Adam MacLean’s to get under their skin was working.

  ‘Welcome back,’ said Catherine. ‘Did Pam apply thumbscrews?’

  ‘No, she tried to bribe info out of me with champagne. Her methods are more subtle since she got married.’

  ‘We’re going off for something to eat,’ said Catherine. ‘Coming?’

  It wasn’t a question but a command. Catherine was a née Manning girl too.

  ‘She’s quite a girl, Pam, isn’t she?’ said Adam as they started walking towards a huge grill where a group of blokes were cremating meat.

  ‘Do you know her well?’

  ‘No, not well. We’ve just met a few times at parties. I know Will better. He was my deputy at Gym Village before I deserted to the enemy to manage Well Life.’

  ‘Pam seemed to be under the impression that you and Jo weren’t married.’

  ‘No,’ said Adam, suddenly stiffening. ‘Not yet.’ He looked over at Jo, whose eyes flickered over to his and then locked with them, defiantly trying to outstare him. For a moment there was just the two of them. The rest of the crowd melted away. She was so beautiful, so tall and slim and lovely, and cruelly beautiful.

  There was always a part of his mammy Adam had never had. Isa MacLean was tall, slim, lovely–and so, so cold. She worshipped Andy MacLean, who abused her, but never quite managed to love as much the son who adored her. And the more he loved, her hoping she would, the more apparent it became that she would never really let him into her heart. Maybe that’s why he was drawn to beautiful women who were destined to hurt him–women like Diane and Jo, who held back enough of themselves to drive him half-mad trying to reach them, making him exhausted by his efforts to gain their love. He failed every time.

  The four of them got some hot-dogs and then Adam went back for a steak, asking Stevie if she wanted anything too, like a proper attentive date would.

  ‘No, thanks. I’m just nipping off to the loo,’ said Stevie, disappearing back to the house. As Adam got a steak, he spotted Danny coming off the Bouncy Castle and making his way over to the familiar face he had just spotted. Adam kept his eye on the little boy as he tugged at Matthew’s trousers, then Matthew ruffled up his hair and bent to hug him. Then Danny crossed to Jo and hugged her with gusto as if he knew her too, but Jo subtly removed him and then, with smiling irritation, pushed him away, back into the crowd. Adam’s heart was suffused with sudden anger and pain. Watching Jo made him think of himself and his mammy, and he was glad Stevie hadn’t been witness to it. She wouldn’t have let anyone push her boy away.

  Adam bounced towards the little boy who was now looking lost.

  ‘Danny,’ he boomed, which seemed to annoy Jo from the way she threw her drink down her throat.

  ‘Well Life Man!’ screamed Danny with undisguised joy.

  ‘Shhh! Whit did I tell you? It’s Adam!’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Danny, clamping his hands over his mouth. Then he threw his arms around Adam’s legs, as far as they would go anyway.

  ‘Your
mammy’s just away to the washroom,’ Adam said, bending right down until they were at eye-level. ‘Were you looking for her?’

  ‘No, I just wanted some pop.’

  ‘Come on, I’ll get you some.’ Danny slipped his hand inside the big man’s paw and they trotted off to the drinks table.

  ‘So, you having a good time, wee man?’ said Adam, twisting off the top of a bottle of cherryade and sticking a straw in it.

  ‘I’ve had a big cheeseburger,’ whispered Danny. ‘Uncle Will cooked us it. He did us onions as well.’

  ‘Here, want some of my steak? It’ll give you special protein powers.’

  ‘Ye-ah!’ said Danny and Adam laughed as the small boy took a huge greedy bite.

  ‘Good, is it, son?’

  ‘Cool. Mr Well Life, what do you think is morer important to a Superhero,’ said Danny, when he had finished chewing his present mouthful. ‘A cape, a good heart or tights?’

  Adam threw back his head and laughed.

  ‘I think tights are very important, and so is a cape, but I think a good heart is probably the answer,’ he said finally.

  ‘I think so too. Are you coming home with us?’ said Danny, taking a long slug of pop.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know about that, fella,’ said Adam, filling a pint glass with lemonade for himself.

  ‘We used to live with Matthew but we don’t any more,’ said Danny, as if divulging a great secret. ‘We’ve only got two bedrooms now, but if you wanted, you could have my room. It would be so cool. Anyway, see you,’ and off he trotted, back to the other kids who were settling on the grass in front of the magician.