Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  She laughed. ‘You sound a bit like Mae West.’

  He laughed. ‘I’m really going to miss you.’

  ‘You’ll soon forget me with all those posh London girls hanging round.’ But, she would have liked to add, not nearly as much as I shall miss you.

  On Saturday Janet didn’t know what to do with herself and wandered about aimlessly.

  ‘Aren’t you going out tonight?’ asked her mother.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Oh dear. I do hope you and Mark haven’t had a silly quarrel.’

  ‘No. He’s gone to London for a few days.’ Janet wasn’t sure if she should tell her mother his plans—did his own mother know? ‘On business,’ she added quickly.

  ‘I see. Mrs Scott didn’t mention it last night when I saw her at the WI.’

  ‘Perhaps she didn’t think it was worth talking about.’

  ‘Yes, I should think that was it.’

  By Wednesday, the night they usually went to the cinema, Janet was still anxiously waiting for his news.

  His knock on the front door sent her hurrying to open it. ‘I’m ready ... Bye!’ she called over her shoulder.

  As soon as they were outside she said, ‘Well?’

  He grinned.

  ‘Oh Mark, don’t be so annoying. Why haven’t you been round to tell me, or ... ?’ She stopped. ‘You’re not going then?’ She held on to his arm.

  ‘I didn’t know you cared.’

  She quickly drew away. ‘I’m just interested, that’s all.’

  ‘Well, I am going. I’m not going to put any money into his business just yet, I’m only going to work for Danny. I’ll give it a year and then I’ll be able to see how the land lies. But don’t worry, I’m coming home every weekend even if it’s only to keep Ma happy - that’s of course unless something urgent crops up - so we can still go to the village hop.’

  ‘What does your mother say about it?’

  ‘She’s not very happy, but it’s Dad I’ll miss. He’s not that well and I worry about him. His war wound has started to cause all sorts of health problems. Mum will miss my money but I hope I can give her some every week. I’ll just have to see how it goes.’

  Janet felt happy that he’d be home every weekend, even if she was a little disappointed that it wasn’t to see her. Suddenly she realized how she felt about him and how much she was going to miss him.

  On Sunday evening, as they wandered around the village, Janet knew she was going to miss Mark more than she let on. Her life had taken on another meaning since Christmas and now he was going the next day. When he said good night she wished him luck. She wanted him to hold her and tell her how much he liked her, but he didn’t.

  ‘You will let me know how you are getting on, won’t you?’

  He smiled. ‘Course. I’ll be seeing you on Saturday.’

  Janet at least had that to look forward to.

  March 2 was Paula’s first birthday. It was Janet’s dearest wish that she could have sent her a card or given her a present. Was she having a birthday party? Would there be a fancy iced cake with a candle on? Had her new parents bought her nice things? Did they keep her well dressed? Janet looked at the clock. All day at the office she had gone through every moment of Paula being born again. Once old Mrs Baker told her off for daydreaming. Janet smiled to herself. She’d have a fit if she knew what I was thinking about, she thought. She tried to visualize what Paula would look like with her dark eyes and hair. Was it straight or curly? Short or long? She wanted to cry and felt her heart would break. Was it possible to find out where she was?

  Throughout the summer Mark came home every weekend. More and more Janet looked forward to seeing him. Even though he looked tired they still went dancing.

  ‘Danny certainly keeps me busy,’ he said in the interval when they were having a cold drink.

  ‘Do you enjoy working for him?’

  ‘I think so. I’ve certainly learnt a lot about the second-hand car business and the dodgy deals that go on. By the way, I’m getting a car next week.’

  ‘Can you drive?’

  ‘Course, it’s part of the job, but I passed my test in the army. If you like I’ll teach you.’

  ‘Would you? That would be super.’

  ‘So next week, Miss Slater, we will be coming here in style.’

  She giggled.

  On Saturday Janet stood waiting at the gate for Mark. She couldn’t believe her eyes when he drew up in a gleaming black car.

  ‘Hop in,’ he called.

  She did so, and sat back, sinking into the soft green leather upholstery. ‘This is really lovely,’ she said, running her hands over the walnut dashboard.

  ‘Would have liked something a bit flashy, but you can’t beat an old Morris for reliability.’

  ‘Did it cost a lot?’

  ‘Na, not now I’m in the trade and in the know. Say, what about we go for a spin instead of the dance?’

  ‘That’ll be great, just as long as I get back about the same time. You know what my father’s like.’

  They sped along the country lanes and laughed at silly things. They stopped to stroll on the downs as the night was just turning. The sunset lit up the sky with fire.

  ‘It’s such a beautiful evening,’ said Janet as they walked along. ‘It’s times like this when I wish I could live for ever.’

  Mark sat on the grass. ‘You don’t want to bother with wasting wishes like that. Wish for money and things it can bring.’

  Janet sat down beside him. ‘Yes, but can it bring happiness?’

  ‘Dunno. But it sure can make life a lot better. Take Danny - it won’t be long before he moves.’

  ‘What, the business?’

  ‘No, out of the flat.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘He’s making a packet. He’s talking about getting a real posh house.’

  ‘What about his flat?’

  ‘I’m thinking of taking it over.’

  Janet laughed.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘You. A man of property.’

  ‘It’s only a grotty old flat and I’d only be renting it. In fact that’s something I’d like to talk to you about, Janet.’

  She stiffened. She knew this was going to be a serious conversation. ‘What about? Here, you don’t want me as a cleaner, do you?’ she laughed.

  ‘In a way.’

  ‘Blooming cheek.’

  Mark began picking at the grass. He wasn’t looking at her. ‘Jan, I know this sounds daft but you see I didn’t know I’d miss you so much, and I’d like you to come and ... Oh, what the heck. Janet, will you marry me?’

  She stared at him. This wasn’t what she’d thought he was going say. She’d thought he might have suggested she go up to London for the weekend, but marriage ... He had never shown any real emotion towards her. They got on all right but only as friends. They only kissed as friends.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she finally said.

  ‘You do like me, don’t you?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Well then.’

  She did like him, but did she love him? ‘You’d have to ask my father.’

  ‘I know. But what about you?’

  ‘I do like you, Mark.’

  ‘Good, that’s settled then.’

  ‘When were you thinking of us ... you know?’

  ‘What about next year? That’ll give me time to save.’

  She smiled. ‘Mrs Mark Scott. Sounds rather nice.’

  ‘I think so.’ He pushed her back on the grass and kissed her. It was a clumsy, searching kiss. He tried to put his tongue in her mouth but she didn’t like it. His hand was up her skirt and he began caressing her thigh, but she quickly pushed him away and sat up.

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘Why, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Give me time.’

  ‘Janet, I haven’t got time. I’m off in the morning.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘I was wondering if we could ... You know?’
/>
  She quickly stood up. ‘No, Mark. Is that all you proposed for? So that you could ... ?’

  ‘No, course not.’ He laughed and stood next to her and put his arm round her slim waist. ‘I’m sorry, but you can’t blame a bloke for trying now, can you?’

  She smiled. ‘No, s’pose not.’

  They slowly walked back to the car.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Janet. I shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘You didn’t do anything.’

  He grinned. ‘I would have if you’d have given me half a chance. I suppose you do have to behave yourself, seeing you’re the vicar’s daughter.’

  She couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

  ‘Janet, I do love you, you know. Sounds silly, but somehow you miss things when they’re not there all the time.’

  ‘I miss you too, and I’m very fond of you, Mark.’

  He started the engine. ‘I’ll leave it till next weekend to ask your dad.’

  ‘When will you tell your mother?’

  ‘After I’ve got your dad’s permission.’

  Janet laughed.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘Can you imagine it when our mothers get together?’

  ‘I’m glad I’ll be out of the way all week.’

  ‘Coward.’ Suddenly Janet was beginning to warm to the idea of getting married.

  That night she wrote in her diary: ‘Mark proposed and I said yes.’ She sat back and chewed on the end of her pencil. She was very fond of him but was it love? The thought of leaving home and going to live in London and being able to do as she liked in her own home was very thrilling. She sat up. Living in London - could she possibly find out who had adopted Paula?

  She wrote to Freda, asking her if she would like to be her bridesmaid. Getting married was going to give her a purpose and something exciting to look forward to, even if it was a year away. She only hoped her father would give his consent.

  The following Saturday evening Janet was sitting in the garden with her mother. She was nervous; she knew Mark was asking her father.

  The Reverend walked across the grass with Mark close behind. ‘Did you know anything about this?’ His strident voice caused his wife to break off from her knitting.

  ‘About what, dear?’ Looking up, she shielded her eyes from the sun.

  ‘These two. Wanting to get married.’

  Irene Slater’s face went pale. ‘No—no, I didn’t.’

  Janet smiled at Mark, but his face gave nothing away.

  ‘You are both very young,’ said Mrs Slater.

  ‘I do have a good job,’ said Mark hurriedly.

  ‘That’s as may be, but what are your prospects?’

  ‘I hope to have my own business one day, sir.’

  ‘Do you now? Doing what?’

  ‘Second-hand cars.’ He looked from one to the other.

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Does your mother know about this, Mark?’ asked Mrs Slater.

  Mark shook his head. ‘I thought I’d ask you and your husband first, just in case you said ...’ His voice trailed off.

  Janet felt so sorry for him. He look humiliated, but, trapped in the garden with the Slaters, he’d have to see it through to the end. What if her father refused? Her hope of getting away could be dashed and she would have to wait till she was twenty-one. Three more years.

  ‘So, if I do give my consent, where are you thinking of living?’

  ‘At the moment I share a flat with my boss, Danny, but he’s moving and I’m taking over the tenancy.’

  ‘I see,’ repeated the Reverend. ‘And where is this flat?’

  ‘London, sir.’

  Janet smiled at Mark.

  ‘And when were you thinking of getting married? Providing, of course, I give my permission.’

  ‘Next year. When Danny moves out I’ll have to get the flat decorated and furnished.’ He looked at Janet and grinned.

  ‘Next year. Well, at least you sound as if you’ll be taking your responsibilities seriously. I will have to give this some serious thought. A lot can happen in a year. And as your mother said, you, Janet, are very young.’

  Janet felt deflated. Was he doing this deliberately? ‘I’ll be nineteen next year.’

  ‘I still think it’s very young to take on such responsibilities.’

  ‘I’m sure Mark is very level-headed,’ said Mrs Slater hurriedly.

  ‘We shall see.’ Her husband moved away.

  ‘Tea, Mark?’ asked Mrs Slater.

  ‘No, thank you. Janet, can we go for a walk?’

  ‘I’ll get my bag.’ Janet was pleased to get away from any more questions.

  When they shut the gate Mark let out a loud sigh. ‘D’you know, I think that was the longest half-hour of my life?’

  Janet held on to his arm and laughed. ‘You should have seen your face.’

  ‘Why? What was wrong with it?’

  ‘Nothing, but you looked ever so worried.’

  ‘I was, and we didn’t get an answer, did we?’

  ‘No, I dare say I’ll get a grilling when I get back.’

  ‘What d’you think our chances are?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Janet was worried in case her father brought up the past. Would he?

  ‘What if he says no?’

  ‘I don’t think he will. He’s just making sure you squirm a bit.’

  ‘I certainly did that. If he says yes perhaps we could get you a ring next Saturday.’

  ‘I’d like that.’

  ‘Will I have to wait till we’re married for ... you know?’

  ‘Most definitely yes.’

  ‘Thought you might say that.’

  ‘Do you mind?’

  ‘No, not really. It’s nice to think that I’ll be the first.’

  Janet couldn’t meet his eyes as she didn’t have an answer to that. But she knew she had to tell him about Paula soon.

  Chapter 8

  Mark kissed Janet gently. ‘I’ll see you later.’

  She watched him drive away then slowly made her way back into the house.

  ‘Janet? In here.’ Her father was calling from his study. ‘Sit down.’

  She did as she was told.

  ‘This business with Mark Scott has come as rather a shock to both your mother and myself.’ He looked at her quizzically. ‘You’re not in any kind of trouble again, are you?’

  Janet felt her face flush with anger as well as embarrassment. ‘No, Father. I made one mistake and I won’t be repeating it.’

  ‘Very good. He’s a nice lad and comes from a well-respected family.’ He gave her a rare smile. ‘I think we can say you have my permission.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She left the room. It was so formal.

  Her mother was waiting outside. ‘Janet, come with me.’

  She followed her mother into the drawing room and sat in an armchair opposite her.

  ‘We have to have a little talk.’

  Janet wanted to laugh. Surely she wasn’t going to tell her about the birds and bees?

  ‘Are you going to tell Mark about your—shall we call it your discrepancy?’

  Janet didn’t know how to answer. She was angry. ‘How can you call my beautiful baby a discrepancy?’

  ‘Please, Janet.’

  ‘She’s my baby and you’re not going to change that.’ Her voice was rising.

  ‘It is all in the past and she has new parents so let that be the end of it.’ Mrs Slater waved her hands. ‘I don’t want to hear any more of this. I’m only trying to help and all you can do is shout at me. You can be very hurtful at times.’

  Janet looked down at the floor. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Well, are you going to tell Mark?’

  Janet fiddled with her fingernails. ‘I don’t know,’ was the only answer she could give.

  ‘It’s up to you, of course, but most men don’t like the idea of ...’ she cleared her throat, ‘... not being the first. You do understand what I am saying, don’t you
?’

  Janet nodded. ‘I expect I will tell him.’

  ‘Then don’t leave it too long in case he changes his mind afterwards.’

  Janet sat open-mouthed. ‘Why should he? What was in the past is over.’

  ‘As I said before, give him time. Besides, we don’t want to go to the trouble of announcing this engagement only to find it’s been called off in a week or so. After all, there will be a lot of preparation and expense involved - that’s without people asking what the reason was. So think it over very carefully, my dear.’

  Janet couldn’t believe what her mother was saying. So once again it was all down to other people and what they thought.

  Her mother stood up and made her way to the door. She turned. She looked embarrassed. ‘You do understand that he will probably realize he’s not the first on your wedding night, don’t you?’ She quickly left the room, leaving Janet alone with her thoughts.

  Should she tell Mark? Would he still want to marry her? Would he help her to find Paula? It was up to her now.

  That evening when Mark called for her she quickly told him her father had given his permission for them to get married. They drove round the corner out of sight of the vicarage and Mark kissed her.

  ‘I’m so glad he didn’t give you a hard time about it. I’ll tell Mum and Dad tonight, then next Saturday I’ll meet you somewhere and you can pick out a ring, make it all official.’

  Janet snuggled against him. ‘I’m so happy.’

  At the regular Saturday dance, Mark was in a very loving mood and used every opportunity to hold Janet and kiss her. She did worry that she might not be able to hold him at bay for much longer and she didn’t want to make another mistake to spoil everything, and she still had to tell him about Paula.

  ‘I’m so pleased your dad said yes. Cheer up. You don’t have to look so miserable about it. Not changed your mind, have you?’

  She smiled. ‘No, course not.’

  ‘That’s good. I can go up to twelve pounds for a ring, but if there’s one you really fancy I might be able to push it up a bit more. I can always borrow a few quid off Danny if need be.’

  ‘You mustn’t do that. I’ll have a look in Horsham during my lunchtime next week.’

  He kissed her again. ‘I do love you, Janet.’