by Dee Williams
‘Of course.’
Paula sniffed and wiped her eyes. ‘Sue said she will have Janie.’
‘Now stop worrying about it. We will take care of everything. If you want I can stay the night with you.’
‘Thanks. I’d like that. I don’t want to be on my own.’
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I think I’ll get up now.’
‘Are you sure?’
She nodded. ‘I’d better, but I feel so weak.’
‘Do you want something to eat?’
‘No, I keep being sick.’
When they moved to the kitchen Janet saw how yellow Paula looked. Janet silently prayed that her face hadn’t revealed her emotions.
Once again Janet had a sleepless night. Over and over she prayed that the doctor was wrong about the cancer. She was thankful when morning came and she and Paula could do something positive.
After the tests at the hospital Paula and Janie came back to Janet’s. All evening Paula and Janet tried to be cheerful but they both knew it was a sham. Neither would tell of her real fears. That night Janet lay listening for any sound that would give her the excuse to get up. Her mind was going over all what had happened that day.
First Paula had had blood tests, then more X-rays. Paula told Janet the doctor had prodded her stomach, then had told her it would be a day or two before they had the test results.
Then Sue, who was looking after Janie, had taken Paula for a cup of tea, while Janet had been asked to remain behind so the doctor could speak to her alone. Janet could recall his every word. They were pounding relentlessly in her head.
‘I’m afraid things don’t look as good as I would have hoped,’ he’d begun.
‘But you gave her the all-clear a short while ago. It can’t be secondary, can it?’
‘It can happen very quickly.’
Janet had sat stunned while he’d told her he would let them know the outcome of the tests as soon as possible.
Now, she turned on her back. ‘Please let him be wrong. Please don’t let it be ...’ Her tears ran into her ears. Her mind was going over and over so many things ...
A sound disturbed her. Janie began to whimper. Janet leapt out of bed, disorientated. She must have dozed off. She didn’t want Janie to disturb Paula.
Picking her granddaughter out of her cot she held her close and whispered soothing noises. ‘Come on, let’s go down and get your bottle.’ As she padded down the stairs she was surprised to see the kitchen light on.
‘Paula. What are you doing down here?’
‘I couldn’t sleep.’
‘Are you in pain?’
Paula shook her head and held out her arms for her daughter. ‘I’ve taken the new painkillers.’
‘What about a sleeping pill?’
‘I don’t fancy getting hooked on those.’
Janet was busy warming Janie’s bottle. ‘It won’t be long before we get the results.’
‘I don’t want to know what they are going to tell me.’
‘Now how do we know it isn’t good news?’
Paula took the bottle from Janet and popped it into Janie’s eager mouth. ‘I think we both know the answer to that.’
‘You can’t be sure.’
Paula smiled down on her daughter. ‘You’re like a little bird in the nest, all you do is open your mouth and think about your tummy.’ The tears fell gently on to Janie’s face, causing her to blink. ‘Janet, please promise me that you’ll look after Janie?’
‘I do wish you wouldn’t talk like that.’
‘I must. I must know she’ll be loved and brought up with plenty of love around her.’
‘You’ve nothing to fear there,’ sniffed Janet.
‘I wish you had been around all my life.’
Janet stood up and walked to the sink. ‘So do I. Would you like a cup of tea?’
Paula nodded. ‘You are a wonderful mother.’
‘Don’t.’ Janet tried to laugh it off. ‘You’ll have me blubbering all over the place.’
‘I’m so glad we’ve got to know each other.’
‘Come on now, back to bed. I’ll finish seeing to Janie and then bring your tea up.’
‘I’ll finish feeding her, then you can change her.’
‘Thanks. Why do I get all the rotten jobs?’
Paula looked up at her. ‘Can I call you Mum?’
Janet’s throat felt tight and she swallowed hard. She wanted to throw her arms round Paula and hug her close but she would have squashed Janie. ‘I’ve waited all these years to hear that,’ she said softly.
Paula gave her a smile that, despite her tiredness and pain, was radiant.
Janet knew this was a night she would remember for the rest of her days. The night she was finally accepted as Paula’s mother.
When it was confirmed that the cancer was in Paula’s bones and liver Janet knew she had to make the most of every precious day they had left together. She took extended leave from work and Paula and Janie moved into her house. The garden was looking lovely and on days when it was warm Paula would sit watching her baby trying to sit up when she was put on the grass.
Sue came in every day. Danny, Tina and Freda were told, and they would phone Sue almost daily for news. Sometimes, when they knew it was convenient, they would call in and always came with gifts or would take Janie out for an hour or so.
Janet had left it till the end of April before she wrote and told Mark the news. Soon after flowers had arrived from him, and every other week there was a letter. Janet had told him not to phone as she didn’t like to talk in front of Paula. It seemed he phoned Danny every week for news.
Spring was giving way to summer. Mark had told Danny that he was coming over at the end of May to help his mother pack, as she was going to Canada. He said he wanted to see Janet but she had written to put him off.
‘When’s Mark coming over?’ asked Sue one day when she was busy preparing Janie’s bottles. She knew he was due in England.
‘He’s been and gone.’
‘What? Is that why Danny and Tina wanted you to go over to their place for the day last week?’
‘Who told you that?’
‘Tina told Paula and she said you’d refused.’
That statement worried Janet. ‘Did she know Mark was here?’
‘I don’t think so, she didn’t say. You should have gone. I would have managed here.’
‘I know. It’s just that I don’t want to leave her.’
‘I understand that, but you’re stuck in day and night looking after them both. You look terrible.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You only go out for the shopping when I’m here.’
‘I know.’
‘Paula would be very upset if she knew that Mark had been here and you hadn’t see him.’
‘She won’t know, unless someone tells her.’
Sue smiled and put her arm round Janet’s shoulders.
‘I can’t leave her,’ said Janet.
‘I bet Freda will have something to say about this.’
‘I expect she will.’
‘Will he be over here again?’
‘I shouldn’t think so, not now his mother’s in Canada.’
‘Looks like you’ve missed your chances again.’
Janet nodded. ‘Looks like it.’ She shrugged and smiled. ‘You’re beginning to sound like Freda.’ She turned and looked through the kitchen window at Paula. She was lying back in the garden chair looking peaceful and relaxed in the warm sunshine. She even had a tan. Janie was in her pram waving her little brown legs in the air. Every now and again one would disappear as she put it in her mouth. It was such a wonderful tranquil sight nobody would guess the trauma that was being lived out. ‘She looks so well. You can’t believe she’s ... I wish the doctors were wrong.’
Sue joined Janet and she too gazed on the restful scene. ‘It’s not fair. It’s such a bloody wicked world.’
A week later the doorbell rang unexpe
ctedly. Janet was very cross. All their friends knew that she liked to have a warning if they were coming just in case Paula was having a bad day, and when they did arrive they always used the back gate.
The bell rang urgently again. If it’s a damn salesman I’ll give him a piece of my mind, Janet thought. She pulled open the door. ‘Yes? What do you want?’ she said abruptly.
To her surprise a tall good-looking man was standing on the doorstep holding a huge bouquet of flowers.
‘I’m sorry, but I’ve been given to understand that a Miss Paula Brook is staying here.’
‘Yes, she is.’ Although Janet guessed who he was she still had to ask. ‘Who wants to know?’
‘I’m Trevor.’ He had a smug expression on his face. ‘I’m a very good friend of hers and incidentally, her baby’s father.’
Janet felt her knees buckle. ‘What do you want?’
He smiled and Janet could see why her daughter had fallen for this man.
‘I’d like to see Paula and her child.’
Janet wanted to scream at him to go away but she was worried Paula, who was in the garden, might hear her and come to find out what the shouting was about. She stepped outside and pulled the door to behind her. ‘Why? And how did you know she was here?’
‘The junior in her office told me. So I thought I’d come and take her out for a meal.’ He looked round. ‘I don’t like discussing my business on the doorstep. Could I come in?’
Janet could kill that silly office girl. She hadn’t been here so she didn’t know how ill Paula was. ‘No. Not till I’ve asked Paula.’
‘So who are you?’
She pulled herself up to her full five foot two inches and said proudly, ‘I’m Paula’s mother.’
He grinned. ‘Oh yes, I remember, she did say something about finding her long-lost mother. Now if you don’t mind I’d like to speak to Paula.’
‘I do mind.’
He laughed. ‘I do have my rights.’
‘What rights?’ She disliked his arrogant attitude.
‘The rights to see the child.’
‘I don’t think you have.’
‘Do you want me to make a fuss?’
Janet looked at him and realized he was a man who was used to getting what he wanted. There wasn’t any way she was going to let him take Janie from Paula. ‘I hope you haven’t come here with the idea of taking Paula’s daughter away from her?’
He laughed again. ‘I can’t think of anything more distasteful than a screaming infant.’
‘So why are you here?’
‘I would like to see Paula in private and what I have to say I don’t want to discuss in front of a complete stranger.’
Janet couldn’t think straight. What could she say? ‘Wait here, I’ll see if it’s convenient.’ She went inside, closed the door and leant against it for a few moments, trying to compose herself. She was shaking from head to toe. What did he want? She would kill him if he attempted to take Paula and Janie from her. What was he here for?
Paula looked up and smiled when Janet walked into the garden. ‘Who was that at the door?’
Janet was pleased she was having one of her good days, and went to sit on the bench next to her. Janie was asleep in her pushchair.
‘Paula. Trevor is at the front door.’
Janet watched the colour drain from her daughter’s face.
‘What does he want?’
‘I don’t know, he wants to see you.’
‘Does he know I’m ... you know?’
Janet shook her head. ‘Do you want to see him?’
‘Why not?’ She stood up.
‘Are you sure? What if he wants to ... ?’
Paula gently touched her hand. ‘Don’t worry about Janie. She hasn’t got his name on her birth certificate so he hasn’t any claims on her. Besides, he can’t stand children.’
‘So what does he want?’
She laughed. ‘Perhaps he wants to whisk me away to some foreign climes. Bring him in and let’s find out.’
Janet reluctantly did as Paula asked. She stood at the kitchen window watching him, while arranging the flowers he’d brought. First he kissed Paula but he didn’t make any attempt to look at Janie. Perhaps she had misjudged him. He put his arm round Paula and they were soon deep in conversation. Then Janet noticed Paula’s face change. It was suddenly full of anger.
She stood up and screamed, ‘Get out! Get out! Mum, come quick! Get him out of here.’
Janet raced from the kitchen. ‘What have you said to her?’
He stood looking cool and calm and slightly amused.
Sobbing, Paula fell into Janet’s arms. ‘He wants his wife to adopt Janie.’
‘What?’
‘She can’t have any children as I was telling Paula here. I told her I knew of this girl who was in trouble and Glenda was good enough to say she’d love to adopt the baby. She’d have a nanny and wouldn’t want for anything.’
‘Get out,’ shouted Janet. ‘I can’t believe you’ve just said that. To come here with such a ...’ Janet couldn’t think of the right word. ‘Now get out of my house at once.’ Janet broke away from Paula and began pushing Trevor along the path.
‘Kindly take your hands off me, woman.’ He brushed the sleeve of his jacket.
Janet looked round for something to hit him with. She bent down and picked up a flowerpot full of bright red cascading geraniums. When she raised it above her head a look of horror spread across his face and he ran out of the back gate as the flowerpot crashed against the post, leaving a trail of earth and plants behind him.
Paula, despite her tears, began to laugh hysterically. ‘I can’t believe you’ve just done that,’ she sobbed.
‘Paula, I’m so sorry. I would never have let him in if I’d thought he was going to upset you. Why has he suddenly turned up?’
They sat down again.
‘He’s got a bloody nerve. For some unknown reason he was telling Glenda—that’s his wife - about Janie. It seems she’s been a bit broody and fretful lately and decided she would like a baby. Anyway, he told her he knew of someone who’d had a baby and wanted it adopted. He said he was willing to pay.’
‘What?’
‘That’s Trevor. He thinks he can buy anyone and anything, and to him Janie is just another commodity.’
‘He didn’t tell his wife the baby was his?’
‘No. He did say I could go and see her whenever I wanted and that would be a good excuse for us to start over again.’
Janet sat with her mouth open. ‘I can’t believe you’ve just said all that.’
Paula began to cry. ‘Promise me that you’ll never let him take her from you.’
‘I promise.’
‘He has a lot of powerful friends.’
Janet held her close. The thought that quickly flitted across her mind was, so has Danny.
Janie stirred.
Paula smiled and, with the tears glistening on her cheeks, looked at her daughter. ‘It seems our little bird will be wanting feeding again.’
That night Janet lay thinking about Trevor. She was worried. Could he take Janie from her when Paula was no longer ... ? Her brain wouldn’t let the words form in her head. He had upset Paula, and Janet knew stress was bad for her. Could he have any hold over her?
The next day Trevor’s name was not mentioned, but just as Janet had predicted, Paula was having a bad day. She was in pain and only wanted to sleep. Even Janie failed to bring a smile to her sad face. Janet was angry that Trevor could think he could just waltz back into her daughter’s life, causing her so much stress. Did he know about the cancer?
That morning Sue came round and Janet managed to tell her what had happened, while Paula was sleeping. She was so angry.
‘So what’s going to happen?’
‘Nothing. I’m going to phone Danny. He has a lawyer and he can find out what rights Trevor has, but I don’t think he has any.’
‘Then what?’
‘I think Danny
will find a way of keeping him away.’
A smile filled Sue’s angry face. ‘Now that’s something I’d like to see.’
After Sue left, and while Paula continued to sleep, Janet phoned Danny at his office.
He was outraged and demanded Trevor’s address.
‘No, don’t do anything that would upset Paula.’
‘The bastard. He can’t go round saying things like that. Does he know how ill she is?’
‘I don’t know. Yesterday she had a good day and you know how well she looks sometimes.’
He didn’t reply and Janet knew he was too choked to do so.
She continued, ‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you but I just had to tell someone.’
‘I’m glad you did.’
‘You must have very soggy shoulders after all the tears I’ve shed on them.’
‘That’s what friends are for. How is she today?’
‘Not too good.’
There was a pause on Danny’s end of the phone. ‘I could get him done over, Jan.’
‘No, you mustn’t. Look, I was wondering if you could see your solicitor and get things straight.’
‘I’ll do that right away.’
‘Thanks. Why don’t you and Tina pop over one evening?’
‘We’d like that. We’ll give you a ring first, just to make sure it’s OK. I’ll find out a few things, then we can talk this through properly. I don’t think he’s got any rights to Janie, but I’ll find out.’
‘Thanks. I look forward to seeing you both. Love to Tina. Take care.’
‘Bye, Jan.’
Although Danny was a big tough guy on the outside, Janet knew that when she’d replaced the receiver he would have a quiet smoke and be deep in thought. He was a true friend, always there when she needed him and she loved him dearly.
Even though Danny had tried to reassure Paula that Trevor couldn’t take Janie, Janet could see it was still worrying her.
Tina told Janet that it had upset Danny when Paula had told him to drive carefully when they left.
‘D’you know, we sat in the car round the corner and had a good cry? How could she worry about us when she’s ... ?’ Tina couldn’t finish the sentence.
Over the next month it broke Janet’s heart that she could only sit and watch her daughter deteriorate. She was in so much pain. Her back had been playing her up and she was often very sick. Now the doctor called every few days and a nurse came in every day.