Midnight Heat

by Cat Johnson

  Chapter Forty

  Phoenix glanced up when the kitchen door opened, but Rohn was alone.

  “Justin doesn’t want to come inside?” Bonnie asked.

  Rohn shook his head and looked around the group. “More coffee for anyone?”

  That was it, then. Justin wanted to avoid her so badly he was hiding in the barn. No surprise. That sounded exactly like the actions of a man whose final text had read K.

  “More hot tea, sweetie?” Tammy asked.

  She forced a smile, hoping it didn’t look as fake as it felt. “No, thank you. I’m good.”

  “Phoenix, I hate to ask you this, but would you mind running this out to the barn and giving it to Justin for me?” Rohn held a stainless-steel coffee cup with a lid in his hand.

  “I can take—” Colton’s offer was cut short as he glared at Tyler. “Ow. You kicked me.”

  Tyler raised a brow. “Did I? Sorry. I’ll actually take more of that coffee. Colton here, too, if there’s any left.” Tyler pushed his mug forward.

  “Sure thing.” Rohn set the to-go mug on the table in front of her and turned to reach for the coffeepot on the counter. “Phoenix, run that outside while it’s still hot.”

  Apparently, there was a reason Rohn wanted her to go to the barn, and it seemed that Tyler was in on it. And though Bonnie and Tammy weren’t pushing her out the door like Rohn, they were watching the exchange with interest, while Colton continued to frown over the whole thing.

  There was only one thing to do. She stood and reached for the cup. “Okay. Be back in a minute.”

  Rohn shot her a glance. “No rush. You take your time.”

  “Okay.” She’d be seeing Justin whether he wanted her there or not. She only hoped he wouldn’t be upset.

  “Put on your jacket. It’s cold out there,” Bonnie called after her.

  Phoenix smiled at how much she sounded like a true mother. “I will.”

  Rohn let out a snort. “Her jacket won’t help. It’s too light, and she doesn’t even have gloves. Put on Bonnie’s coat instead.”

  “Good idea. It’s hanging right inside the door. My gloves are in the pockets.”

  Rolling her eyes, Phoenix put the coffee down on the wide wooden windowsill and reached for the coat. She didn’t know what they were all so worried about. She wouldn’t be outside long enough to get chilled. It was more than obvious that Justin didn’t want to talk to her or he would have come inside.

  Her bringing him coffee wouldn’t change that. It would only make things more awkward when she intruded upon his hiding place, so she wasn’t going to hang around.

  As she slipped her arms inside the heavy winter coat, she decided she’d drop off the coffee, apologize for bothering him, and leave. She’d be back indoors before Tyler and Colton’s refills had cooled. Then she’d have to figure out what Rohn’s motivation was for throwing her at Justin.

  That was a mystery she’d have to wait to solve. She left the warmth of the kitchen and felt the cold outdoor air against her face. It felt good, invigorating, making her skin tingle. They didn’t get snow or cold like this in her part of California. It was nice.

  The ranch was beautiful. It was like stepping into another time. Another era. She could easily see herself spending Christmas break in Oklahoma every year. Summer breaks, too, when the fields were green and the stock dotted the landscape.

  But all the natural beauty along the way didn’t change what was waiting for her in the barn. She reached the door and swallowed hard, remembering the last time she’d set foot in this building. She had gone there to say good-bye to Justin.

  Just the memory had her tea and cake churning in her gut as she reached for the latch and pulled the door open.

  The barn was warmer than outside, especially once she pulled and latched the door shut behind her, blocking the wind.

  The bulbs burning above her provided a warm glow, but she didn’t see Justin. It didn’t take long to figure out where he was, though. She saw a pitchfork full of manure fly through the air and land in a wheelbarrow resting in front of a stall. The first was followed by another.

  She must be crazy—it was nothing more than animal crap—but she smiled at the charm of the quintessential ranch scene.

  It could be the city girl in her, but life seemed simpler here. Love, however, not so much. That was just as complicated and confusing. And painful.

  She felt the full force of that pain when she peeked around the doorway of the stall, making sure to stay clear of the path of the manure.

  Justin was faced away from her, using the tines of a pitchfork to scoop the small round lumps of manure out of the wood shavings on the floor of the stall.

  He turned. She knew Justin saw her just as he was about to let one more pile fly toward the wheelbarrow. He stopped the motion in time, his eyes widening.

  “Phoenix.”

  “Hey. Rohn asked me to bring you this.” She held up the coffee cup.

  “Oh.” He stepped forward and dropped the manure into the wheelbarrow before leaning the pitchfork against the wall. He reached out and took the cup. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” Four months since they’d last spoken and their first conversation was over a cartful of horseshit about coffee.

  “How was your flight?”

  “Good. A whole lot shorter than the drive was last time so, yeah, good.”

  Justin put the cup down on the ledge of the stall and sighed. “I owe you an explanation.”

  “No. Seriously, you—”

  “Phoenix. Let me talk, please.”

  “Okay.” She rolled her lips in, sealing her mouth shut before she lost control and interrupted him again.

  “I was a dick about us. I know that.” The honesty of his confession caught her off guard.

  “Well, they say admitting you have a problem is the first step.” She watched him lift one brow at her cocky comment. She backed down. The man was trying to apologize. She should at least let him. She could be bitchy about the extreme lateness of the apology later on the phone with Kim. “Sorry. Go on.”

  “I want you to know why I acted the way I did.” He paused. When she didn’t jump in again, he continued. “About two years ago, my brother was killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan.”

  Her intake of breath was involuntary. “Oh my God, Justin. I’m so sorry.”

  “Thanks.” He nodded. “Anyway, it was a shock to all of us, but my mother took it hard. She got severely depressed. My father died about ten years ago and after Jeremy . . . well, that left only her and me, so I moved back home.”

  Phoenix swallowed hard as she grasped for the first time why Justin had been so concerned about his mother. Always checking in at home. Worrying if she didn’t answer.

  “I thought . . . hell, I wanted to think that I could have a normal life and still be there for her. I tried. With you. But that last night I was with you in the hotel, I got home and found her . . . let’s just say it was pretty bad.” He shook his head and drew in a shaky breath. “That’s when I realized I couldn’t have it all. I couldn’t have you and be a good son. I’m sorry.”

  “You should have told me.”

  “I know that now.”

  She took a step closer to him and touched his arm. “I would have understood. I do understand.”

  “I’m glad.” He glanced down and covered her bare fingers with his gloved hand. “You should be wearing gloves.”

  “So I’ve been told.” There were supposedly gloves in the pockets of the coat, but as Justin lifted her hand in both of his and brought it to his mouth to blow warm air against her cold skin, she decided she’d much rather have him heat her hands.

  Her mind spun with all the information he’d dumped on her. Missing pieces fell into place and a picture formed.

  “The reason you have two trucks. Was one of them your brother’s?”

  He nodded.

  “The one we drove from Arizona.” The truck she wasn’t allowed to drive.


  “Yeah.”

  Another realization hit Phoenix. “And the radio station?”

  The one he’d freaked out about when she’d tried to change it.

  He smiled sadly. “Was the one he listened to before he left for that last deployment. I can’t bring myself to change it. I know it’s not healthy. I’m not doing much better than my mother at dealing with it, I guess.”

  “It takes time. And maybe if you let people help you . . . Let me help you.” She brought her other bare hand out of the coat pocket and up to join his hands. He held them both in his, close to his chest. They were standing toe to toe when she asked, “How is your mother doing now? Any better?”

  Justin nodded. “Yeah. I only leave her to come here, and I try to cut out as early as I can in the afternoon. It seems having me home more is helping.”

  So he went to work and then went home and had no social life. The jealous part of Phoenix was happy there weren’t other females in his life. That he hadn’t been dating, or even going out, by the sound of it. The practical side of her knew that was no kind of life for a guy his age.

  “But is it helping you?” she asked.

  “Knowing she’s doing better? Yeah, it does help. I’m not saying I don’t think about how things could be different.” He squeezed her fingers and then released his hold on her hands. “But this is how they have to be.”

  He reached for the coffee mug as the chill of his reality crept through her more than the cold air ever had.

  “So, how long are you here for?”

  Apparently the confessional portion of the discussion was over and they’d moved on to small talk.

  “I’m flying back after New Year’s. School starts that Monday.” She shoved her hands deep into the pockets of Bonnie’s coat.

  Putting on the gloves she felt inside wouldn’t help defrost the cold hard truth that, even if he did have a good reason for it, Justin couldn’t be with her. Apparently, not even for a little fling during the week she was here. Except for that one little lapse when he’d held her hands, he was staunchly keeping his hands off her and on the coffee.

  He nodded. “Bonnie and Rohn are real happy you’re here. Tammy, too.”

  “Yeah. I’m happy I got to visit.”

  “Hey, how’d things go with your parents? You told them everything, right?”

  “I did. They were really great actually. Of course they weren’t at all happy I’d traveled all that way alone.”

  “You weren’t totally alone. You had me for one leg of the trip.” He cocked a brow.

  “Yeah, like that would have helped. Telling them I got into a truck with a man I didn’t know. And then shared a hotel room with him in Texas.” She lifted one brow.

  He grinned. “Touché. But I’m glad they were okay with you finding Bonnie and Rohn.”

  “Oh, yeah. In fact, I’m hoping they’ll come out here for a visit next summer when I’m here. So they can all meet and get to know one another.”

  “You’ll be here this summer?”

  His interest in her spending time here had her hopes rising. She nodded. “Yup. That’s the plan.”

  Having two sets of parents, and splitting holidays and school breaks between them, was a little bit like being the child of divorced parents but without the divorce.

  Phoenix had plenty of parental figures in her life. It was the boyfriend department in which she was lacking. As she watched Justin nod and look politely interested in the news that she’d be in Oklahoma all summer, she had to think there wasn’t much hope of that changing anytime soon.

  “Well, that’ll be real nice for everyone, I’m sure.” He’d shut down again. She watched as he pulled up the invisible walls around him.

  At least this time she knew she wasn’t the reason. It wasn’t something she’d done or said.

  She wished that knowledge made it easier to see him, want him, but not be able to be with him. It didn’t.

  “I better get back to the stalls. Thanks again for bringing out the coffee.” He reached for the pitchfork.

  “You’re welcome.” She’d obviously been dismissed.

  The cold creeping into her heart surpassed the chill of the barn as she turned and left.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Justin walked through the kitchen door, ass dragging. Even when they did finish with chores early in the afternoon, the sun set so damn early in December it was getting dark by the time he got home.

  It was no wonder people got depressed in the wintertime.

  Seeing Phoenix today, touching her even briefly, talking as he explained why things had to be the way they were between them, hadn’t cheered him. All it had done was make him feel more keenly the gaping hole in his life. The spot that she would fill so nicely.

  That wasn’t in the cards right now. He sighed and tossed his truck keys onto the counter. “I’m home.”

  His mother walked into the kitchen, smiling. “Hi. I have dinner in the oven.”

  “You do?” He frowned and glanced toward the stove. Now that she mentioned it, he detected the aroma of cooking beef that his cold and stuffy nose had previously missed. “Meat loaf?”

  “Yup. Ground beef was on special today.”

  “You went out?”

  “Of course. The store doesn’t deliver chopped meat to your door, silly.”

  Now that he thought about it, they hadn’t run out of any staples recently. Not milk or eggs or bread. She must have been running out to the store during the day while he’d been at work.

  How had he not noticed that?

  Probably because he’d been so busy wallowing in his own misery, feeling like a martyr for devoting his life to his mother, he hadn’t noticed that she was making strides all on her own.

  He glanced around the kitchen. It was spotless. There wasn’t a bowl in the sink, or even a crumb on the counter, even though she’d made the meat loaf.

  “I only put that in a little while ago, so it’s got at least an hour in the oven. Why don’t you go do your weight lifting now? That way you can work out and shower and it will be ready when you are.”

  “Um, okay.” He was too flabbergasted by this change in his mother to argue. He pulled off his jacket and headed out to the garage.

  Sitting on the weight bench, he grabbed the barbell and started to review the past few weeks in his mind. Maybe he hadn’t noticed the small changes in her because, just like every year since Jeremy’s death, they hadn’t decorated the house for the holiday. No tree. No wreaths. No baking of cookies.

  But now that he thought about it, there had been other subtle changes he’d missed.

  A few times this month, he’d walked into the living room to find her watching holiday movies, when this time last year she would have changed the channel.

  He hadn’t taken out the vacuum in weeks, but the carpets were clean. He’d assumed they just hadn’t gotten dirty, but undoubtedly his mother had vacuumed when he’d been at work.

  Counting the reps for his workout was a lost cause. His mind was whirling with thoughts. He put the bar back in the brace and got up from the bench. He headed to the kitchen. His mother was setting the table with plates for dinner.

  She turned when he came into the room. “You done already?”

  He looked at her more closely. Her hair looked shorter. And not as if she’d taken the scissors to it herself either, but like she’d gone to have it done.

  “Um, I just wanted to grab a bottle of water.” He didn’t want to bombard her with questions or make a big deal about the small signs that she was improving.

  She smiled. “In the fridge.”

  “Thanks.” He opened the door and took note of everything inside. Oranges. Lettuce. Nothing he’d bought. Acting as casual as he could, he closed the door and turned toward her. “So, what else did you do today? Besides food shop and make meat loaf?”

  “Well, I went to the church and helped set up the chairs for the group meeting there. Then I stayed and helped clear out all the poinsettias bec
ause they’re starting to drop their leaves.”

  “Oh, that was nice of you.” He nodded as his mind spun.

  There were only two types of meetings he knew about that took place at his church in the middle of the week. Those were the grief group that he’d been trying to get his mother to go to for years and the alcohol group.

  Because it was a big deal if his mother had a glass of wine with his aunt over dinner, he figured she’d been at the grief support group today.

  “How come you never go out with your friends after work anymore?”

  Her question surprised him. “I’d rather come home and be with you.”

  She cocked a brow in his direction. “You’d rather be here with me watching television than going out and having fun with the guys? Or with a girl?”

  Justin shrugged.

  “Sweetie, I know you want to be here so I’m not alone, but you need to have friends your own age.”

  “I do. I see Tyler and Colton all day long at the ranch.”

  “And what about girls? At your age you should be out dating.”

  This was ironic. He’d given up going out and dating for his mother, and now it was his mother who was lecturing him for not going out and dating.

  “Isn’t there anyone you’re interested in?” she asked.

  Justin’s mind turned to Phoenix. “There is one.”

  “Really? Then why aren’t you taking her out?”

  God, how he wished he could believe his mother would really be okay if he did start to live his own life again. But they’d been down this road before, when he’d thought she was on the mend, only to come home and find her sobbing in Jeremy’s room.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Justin, I think you should call this girl and ask her out. Or text, because that’s what you kids like to do nowadays, even though I think it’s way harder than just picking up the phone.”

  “Okay. I’ll think about it.” He shook his head at her ongoing argument about text messaging versus calling and moved on to find out more info. “You know, you and I could go out to a movie if you wanted to.”

  It might take baby steps to get her back to normal, but he was more than willing to take them with her.