Lover of the Light

by Sydney Taylor

  I try not to frown at the way she says “bro,” because this is the same girl that I think about kissing all the time. I don't want to be her bro.

  "Casper Gray?" I hedge instead, not in the mood to discuss my so-called skills.

  "Oh, right." She sucks the rest of the sour-sweet candy into her mouth and nods. "Well, anyway, while you were busy drawing badass bitches with wings, Casper stopped me at lunch. He asked me to freakin' prom."

  "What?" I don't mean to say it like I do. It sounds harsher than I intend it to. More defensive. More jealous. Bitchier. "Prom?" I realize how much of a drama queen I sound like, but I don't care. "I mean … are you going?"

  She glances at me and furrows her brows. "I mean… of course." She shrugs her shoulders animatedly. "You know how much a fan I am of country music."

  I blanch, narrowing my eyes at her.

  "Well." She sits up straighter, flickering her eyes from me to the road. "Are you taking anybody to prom?" She sees me glaring and turns her eyes back to the road. "I mean, I know there's got to be someone at that school worth dancing over. Come on, paper boy. Who do you have a crush on?"

  I sigh, relaxing back in my chair. "You really want to know?"

  "Tell me, Blake." She looks over at me with a smile. "Come on, country boy. Tell me. Who stole your heart?"

  "The truth?" I ask, unable to fathom what I'm doing or what I'm even thinking about saying.

  My heart is racing, I can feel it pounding in my throat. My palms are sweaty, and my legs are shaky. I don't know what's happening to me, but I know that I want to tell this girl she has the prettiest smile I've ever seen, and that I can't get her damn laugh out of my head. I want to tell her I don't ever want to feel like I'm going to lose her, because she's my drug.

  Audrey looks over at me and nods.

  I take a shaky breath. "You." I stare down at my shoes but look up before I continue. Man up. "I just… I mean, I'd want to take you to prom. If I had to―no, not if I had to… I mean…" I am screwing this up. So. Bad. "I hate country music, but I'd probably hate it a little less if you were there with me."

  It's not even a fraction of what I mean to say.

  Chase's voice rings inside my head: "Just say some sweet shit. Girls love sweet shit. Tell her what makes her different than other chicks."

  Close enough.

  Audrey's smile isn't one I've seen. Her mouth opens, and I notice a dark red hue flush across her cheeks. She tries to fight the curl of her lips, but it's inevitable. It’s adorable.

  And maybe the fact that I made her smile like that is why I must fight one too.

  After an agonizing minute of silence, she bites her lip and looks over at me. Warm brown eyes are kind, open, and for a moment, I stop hearing the music on the radio. "You aren't kidding?"

  I shake my head, watching her carefully.

  Please don't run away again.

  "Okay." Her voice is smaller than usual, more feminine. Shy and sweet. She’s gazing at me and I’m not trying to fight the way it makes me feel.

  Suddenly, I realize how utterly ridiculous it is to seem reluctant about asking Audrey to prom. Or going to prom in the first place because I don’t want her to see me dance. I'd go to a fucking Nickelback concert for this girl. There isn't much I wouldn't do for her. Dancing is the last thing I need to worry about.

  “Okay?” I parrot.

  And just when I thought the girl who always looks on the bright side can’t smile anymore, she beams.

  “Okay.”

  I think I love her.

  Chapter 10

  April 22nd, 2012

  1:22 p.m.

  "I don't get it." Chase shakes his head, laughing to himself. "I don't understand you, man. You already slept together. Why don't you just do it?"

  I want to tell him. I do. But I don't think he'd get it.

  "I don't know." I shrug. "It's … it's just the principle. You know?"

  "Dude." Chase drops the paintbrush in his hand, stepping away from the garage. "You don't know anything about a principle. And if you're trying to romance her up, it's pointless. That girl looks at you like she's over the moon. Stars in her eyes and shit."

  I smirk to myself, not really knowing how to explain my logic to Chase.

  Audrey makes me nervous. She inadvertently makes me question myself, my morals and conduct. I think there's something about the good in people that makes us subconsciously strive to do better. Be better.

  I am simple, boring. I sometimes think the worst of myself and I can be dark.

  But maybe I can be more.

  "I think Blake is being smart." Hailee sits crisscross on the sidewalk by our feet. She has a joint between her paint-streaked fingers, and a pair of blue sunglasses pushed high on her nose. "He thinks he made a mistake."

  We're at Mrs. Baker's house because she's paying us to paint her garage, only Hailee isn't really supposed to be here. She's not supposed to have that joint either, but my brother drags Hailee wherever he goes. I should find it annoying, but right now, I kind of like Hailee more than I like Chase.

  "Audrey is a good girl. He doesn't want to fuck up whatever it is they have," Peanut Gallery continues on, shrugging her shoulders. "Just because they had sex already doesn't mean they should rush it. He'll kiss her when it's right."

  She gets it.

  Chase widens his arms at his girlfriend, his face incredulous. "Who said anything about rushing? It's kissing. He already fuc―"

  "They're sixteen, Chase!" she yells over him. "We were sixteen once."

  "Like a day ago," I mutter.

  "You were terrified to kiss me," Hailee reminds Chase, stubbing the joint out by her feet. "Your hands shook. Stop trying to push him into doing something he’s not ready for, you’re being an idiot."

  "My hands did not shake." He side-eyes me to gauge my reaction. He sees me watching their exchange and he nods to Hailee, squaring his shoulders defensively. "I was showing you my spirit fingers."

  She laughs at him, shaking her head. "I love you."

  Chase arches an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest. "I thought I’m an idiot."

  She springs to her feet, jumping up to kiss Chase on the cheek. "Sometimes, yeah. But you're mine."

  I roll my eyes, turning back to the garage. I try to focus on the brush strokes, but my concentration is always slipping over this girl.

  I know it's not healthy, but maybe she is better for me. Since we started talking, my math grade went from a C- to a B-, and my attendance is still a whopping ninety percent. I don't spend Friday evening through Sunday morning drinking, and I don't really dwell on small things that bother me as much. Still, she's always there, at the back of my mind.

  I want to kiss Audrey—no, I want to do a whole lot more than kiss her. But this is bigger than kissing. It's bigger than working up the courage to show her affection; this is the new girl who calls me in the middle of the night to make me laugh. This is New Beginning. She's unusual, silly-happy, loveable, and so much more innocent than people give her credit for.

  I've never had a problem with getting what I want. I've never been afraid to kiss a girl, not like this; the palm-sweating, spirit-fingers kind of afraid. But I’m terrified to kiss her.

  I am simple, but I am negative.

  I'm a lurker in the dark.

  My mind goes to scary places sometimes, and I doubt myself too often. I don't think I'm smart enough for college, and I don't think I'm good enough for this girl, but I can try to be. I'm falling for a girl who's a lover of the light.

  My dad once told me that good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who are patient. I never actually understood the difference between the two.

  Maybe patience is different, though.

  Maybe patience is slower. Maybe it's taking the time to understand something, not idly standing by for it. Maybe patience is diligent and cautious. It's better than waiting. It's knowing what you're waiting for and knowing what you must lose.

 
; "Just give it time, Blake." I look over my shoulder to see Hailee smiling at me. "You'll know when, just make sure you're sober. She's not going anywhere."

  I can do this.

  I can have patience.

  Chapter 11

  May 3rd, 2012

  10:10 a.m.

  Logically, I know there's no reason to panic… not really. I saw Audrey's brother this morning, so she's obviously not dying or anything. I know that if she were sick she would've sent Benjamin to tell me, or maybe she would've called Chase's phone.

  On the other hand, maybe she wouldn't, because she doesn't like people to worry about her.

  I have nothing to panic over, I think to myself.

  I have nothing to worry about, but I feel as if I'm dying inside.

  Chase and Hailee told me I'm worrying over nothing, but Brightside isn't here, and my anxiety level is high. I didn't see her this morning when school started, but I figured she was running late again. She oversleeps a lot, so it really wasn't any surprise when she didn't show up to school on time.

  But it's ten, the second bell just sounded, and Audrey still hasn't come to her locker. She's not here, being her regular ten-o'clock-chipper-smiley self.

  I'm panicking.

  I imagine that this is what it feels like for drug addicts when they suffer from withdrawals.

  My mind is racing with a million worst-case scenarios.

  What if she's dead?

  What if she got into an accident on the way to school?

  What if she spilled her Sunny D and swerved into the left lane trying to reach for the lid like she did the last time, only there was a Mack there to swallow her car?

  Not possible, Tucker, I tell myself. Mack's don't go down Highway B.

  My thoughts have been this way most of this morning. I've been able to keep my impending panic attack at bay until now.

  Because even when she's running late, she's always at this stupid locker by 10:10.

  I really wish I had just bought a phone. It's not as if I don't make enough to pay the bill, I'm just filled with reasons not to do things when I should be doing them. I'm just a dumbass like that. I know I need a phone, but I never actually went and got one. Maybe if I had one, I would've known earlier that she wasn't going to show up for school.

  I need to know where she is.

  So, I set out to find Benjamin.

  *

  It's isn't hard to find her brother. He's right where Audrey said he'd be about this time of day.

  I find Benjamin Sawyer outside of school, leaning against the east side of the building with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a cell phone in his hands. His fingers move rapidly over the screen, never removing his eyes from the device as the door slams closed behind. He doesn't seem to notice I'm there, so I take a few steps toward him.

  "Audrey isn't at school today," he says without looking up from his phone. "Sorry, dude."

  Captain fucking obvious here.

  I shift. "Yeah, I realize that. Is she sick?"

  He shrugs, finally removing his gaze from his phone to look at me. His eyes drop to my shoes and I feel slightly judged at the look he gives. "I don't know. She was in the bathroom all morning, so I couldn't tell you."

  I don't know if I should feel relieved, but this doesn't help my nagging anxiety in the slightest. I just talked to Audrey last night. She sounded fine. She didn't sound sick or anything. She even mentioned wanting a burger from some place she loved in Chicago.

  "You should go," he tells me. "I can text her if you want. Find out if she's okay."

  That isn't going to be enough.

  So, I say, "Is she home right now?"

  *

  "I wish you would've called." Melissa Sawyer has her foot wedged between the door jamb and screen door as she speaks to me. "Audrey isn't feeling well today. She didn't text you?"

  "I don't have a phone." I try to see over her, into the house. "What do you mean she isn't feeling well?"

  "I think it's just girl stuff." She smiles. I feel awkward. "But my daughter hardly ever gives me the time of day anymore. She doesn't think she needs my help, I guess, so I could just be making assumptions."

  I feel stupid.

  She laughs this lighthearted, symphonic, giggle.

  I think Audrey gets her laugh from her mom.

  "She actually seems to be doing a little better now. Do you want to go up and see if she intends to go to school today?"

  I furrow my brows at her, wondering if she's trying to get me killed.

  "Chief's not home, bud," she says, opening the door wider for me and giving me a wide enough berth to pass her. "You skipped class just to see if she’s all right?"

  I don't know how to answer, so I just shrug as she leads me toward the stairs. She stops walking and points up. "First door on the right. It's probably closed, but you'll figure out which one is hers."

  I thank her and take the stairs two at a time.

  The hallway is dark, but I can easily make out which room is hers. On her bedroom door, there's a bulletin board with sticky notes and pictures all over its surface. There's one of my bright side when she was a baby, and one more with her brother making faces at the camera.

  I knock on the door three times, the first two softer than the last. She yells for me to come in.

  I open the door and scan my eyes over a bright blue room. I spot Brightside buried beneath a pile of pink and purple blankets. "Mom, I'm fine." Her voice sounds muffled, buried beneath the covers. "Stop trying to get me to eat lettuce soup."

  My anxiety dissipates in an instant.

  I take a few steps inside until I'm in front of her bed.

  "But I made it just for you, dear." I make a poor, high-pitched impression of Melissa's voice and try not to laugh.

  A stack of blankets wafts through the air as Audrey shoots up from the bed. Her eyes, which look tired from sleep and have mascara smudged beneath them, go wide with shock. Her face breaks out into one of the most extensive, breathtaking kind of smile I've seen on her.

  "Blake!"

  "Good morning to you, too." I laugh as she throws the covers off her legs and hops off the bed in a sylphlike movement. She throws her arms around me and crushes her chest to mine. "Are you alright?"

  "I'm good." She sighs on my shoulder. "I'm fine now."

  "You sure?" I pull away but keep my hands planted on her soft forearms. "I just came here to check on you."

  "You didn't have to do that." She's still sporting that lambent smile, her brown eyes gleaming. "You could have just called from school or something."

  But if you were dying, you would have lied to me anyway.

  I have no regrets.

  "Are you feeling, um… better?" I question, not knowing how to ask if she needs anything especially since I know she's having 'girl problems.’ I'm awkward enough as it is, but I'd buy tampons for this girl. "Do you, like… need anything?"

  She shakes her head, walking over to her dresser. "I'm fine now, I swear. I thought I had a stomach bug or something, but I feel better now. Good. I think it was just something my mom made."

  "Yeah," I agree, like the asshole I am. "No offense to Melissa, but… what the hell is lettuce soup? Is she trying to kill you?"

  She laughs while she digs through her drawers for an outfit to wear. "It's actually not that bad. I've had worse."

  I find that hard to believe.

  "I'll be right back," she says, disappearing through the doorway with a pile of clothes draped over her arm. "Stay here."

  Like I'd go anywhere else.

  I find myself drifting over to her dresser and looking at her pictures. Audrey has a lot of friends, which isn't the least bit surprising. There are probably fifteen pictures wedged along the crack between the frame and her dresser mirror alone. One girl is a repeat in all of them, a short girl with blonde hair who always seems to be the one making her smile.

  "That's Benjamin's girlfriend," Audrey says from behind me. "She's amazing."

&
nbsp; I turn around and blanch when I see her just inches away from me, her face dangerously close to mine.

  "Sorry." She laughs, stepping back a foot. I see she's already fully dressed in a pair of jeans, some flip-flops, and a hoodie. She has her hair tied up in a messy bun, and the streaks of makeup that were beneath her eyes are gone. I can smell some strange, pungent, cinnamon smell, and I think it's Brightside's toothpaste. I look at her lips, and I must force myself to look away.

  Patience.

  "Thanks for checking up on me..." Her soft voice drops to a whisper, her eyes flickering over my face. "You didn't have to do that."

  "I had to be sure," I admit, looking between her and the floor. Finally, I settle my eyes on her face and shrug. "I couldn't stand not knowing if you were all right, Audrey. It was driving me crazy. I thought I was losing my mind without you and came up with a million different scenarios. I hate myself for not getting a phone. I'm going to get one, I swear. But I think I'd probably still be here even if I had one, because Benjamin offered to text you and I thought that was bullshit. I had to see you in person just to know that you were okay, even though I knew you weren't dead. I kind of lost it the minute I realized you weren't at school."

  I blow out a huge gust of air.

  I never knew I can say so much, so fast.

  Her eyes grow soft, her mouth falling open. She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth and nods.

  "You did?" Her voice cracks, and she smiles brighter.

  I want to tell her that we should go, but I feel stuck looking at her smile. I feel compelled to do something, but I think it could just be my hormones going into overdrive after my panic attack.

  Audrey reverses the distance she backed away a few minute ago, and something inside snaps. It's almost like a burden, breaking free.

  Suddenly, my arms and legs feel light. My mind goes blank, and all I see is warm brown before my feet carry me closer to her. I can't feel anything else at this moment until I close my eyes, tangle my fingers in her hair at the nape of her neck, and push my lips against hers.