Wilde About Carson: The Brothers Wilde Series — Book Three

by Faircloth, Cate

  I truly don’t know the answer to that question, and I can’t tell her that.

  Emily isn’t fragile, we aren’t fragile. So, I don’t know why we ended up tiptoeing around each other like this, why we’ve ended up like this, her crying over us, my heart aching for her. It makes me sick, but her being here is comforting to me and evens it out somehow, just before it gets bad again.

  Her sobs turn down, and her tears become silent.

  I cup her cheek in my hand, the softness of her reminds me how precious she really is to me, how much I know I can’t mess this up. My thumb brushes the tears from under her eyes, and I get her to look at me, the beauty in her gaze hits me right to my core. I lick my lips before I kiss her slowly and perfectly, so I can feel every inch of her soft lips pillowing against mine, sucking on mine, her taste flooding every sense in my body.

  Her body rolls onto mine, and the soft planes of her flesh dig into my hard chest and abs. My hands roam down her body, every inch, every surface, and she catches every end of my nerves reaching for her touch. Reaching out to touch her.

  We shed our clothes, share each other’s warmth, kiss our lips and disappear with each other. When I’m inside her, I feel like I could never come out, and I don’t want to. I want to be surrounded by her, consumed by her. When we come together, it seems like a small victory just leading to the next one. I kiss away her tears and try to silence any of her thoughts that freak her out more than anything else. I hold her as tightly as I possibly can—like I could never let go.

  I don’t want to.

  That isn’t the problem.

  It’s that I’m not afraid of just losing her now…

  I’m afraid of loving her.

  22

  Emily

  I streamline the next few weeks like looking up for even a second will make me fall down.

  Work, yoga, and trying not to remind Forbes of her hatred with the Wilde family. Carson and what’s going on with us isn’t well received by her, but she becomes a sounding board. I don’t know why I relent to Carson, every time I say I won’t. It must be the sex—the insane, mind-blowing good sex. Or that he is still my best friend, and our band-aid method works for a while.

  Until more days pass, more weeks, and we almost run out of stuff to talk about. The thought of being alone with him actually makes me want to vomit. It would be easier than hiding what I really want to say. Because I know it would probably end us. He isn’t ready to think about his own feelings let alone try and digest mine.

  I don’t want to take drastic measures, but that was the original plan. Things aren’t the same anymore, and I don’t think they ever will be.

  So that makes it easy to leave town for the holidays and go see my dad. For years, I have spent it with Carson after Mom died. Their family goes on a ski trip most years. But I can’t manage all of them again. Thanksgiving was hard enough—feeling like I had to hide what was really going on. I never even thought of them excepting me as Carson’s girlfriend, being the best friend who tags along is much easier. But we never got along to even calling ourselves that. We never got along to anything. So, I need space.

  Dad and I stay in the house ordering food and exchanging stories. I help him with some research and try to give him some space too. Apparently, I hover. But he is doing so much better, and I’m so happy for it. Before I came, I started calling more. Every day, sometimes twice a day. I really miss him, and I hadn’t let myself realize it. It’s kind of fun cooking the right meals for him as nutrition is as important to his recovery as the medication.

  I stay from Christmas until New Years. Carson and I text, but it doesn’t reach much further, and it doesn’t even get that interesting. I get a few cute pics of Malia and Timothy—their predisposed squishiness makes me smile. I do miss Carson, I miss him a lot. I miss the new connection we have but not all the complications that come with it.

  It makes me sick that I can’t tell him I have fallen in love with him.

  I want to, and every time I try, I fall through. It isn’t an over-the-phone conversation either. But even if I did, and even if we were together, as employees at the same company, we would be fighting against company policy. I don’t want to know what kind of headache will come with that. Holden doesn’t know what we’ve been carrying on doing.

  When I finish my holiday and head back to work, it isn’t the same. Because I am typing out a letter I never thought I would have to write, crying through it too. And when I walk in Holden’s office, relieved he is there alone, I still don’t feel good about it. He is a really good boss, loyal and nice. I feel like I am being disloyal. God, I want to throw up.

  “Emily, what’s up?” He smiles as he looks up at me from his desk.

  I smile back, walking slowly with the printed letter behind my back.

  “Um, not much.” My voice is squeaky, a bad giveaway.

  “Yeah? You never come to my office.” He stops what he is doing and pushes away from the desk.

  “Um… sorry. I… I came to give you this.” With shaky hands, I set the paper down.

  He surveys it, and the features of his face harden. It doesn’t help that he looks like Carson.

  “Emily… what is this?”

  “I…” His hand stops me.

  “Forget I asked that stupid question.” He shakes his head, sets the paper down, and rubs at his eyes.

  “You want to resign?”

  “Yes. I… I need to resign.” I nod.

  His eyes soften from hard and calculating to soft and understanding. Pretty fast, actually.

  “Because of Carson?”

  I swallow back the forming lump in my throat. I really don’t want to cry in front of my boss. Not in my last few weeks. Well, I only gave a one-week notice on the form. Kind of shitty, but he might forgive me since we are technically friends too.

  “Kind of. I’m sure you already know that we were together for a while.”

  “A while? I thought it was just the one… don’t answer that,” he corrects himself.

  I inhale sharply, my eyes sting with impending tears.

  “No, um, it wasn’t, and I don’t know if it will be, so I’m just cutting my losses.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

  “I mean… well, if you want to know personally…” he nods, “…then we haven’t really spoken. Not since Thanksgiving. He said he doesn’t know if he can be in love with me, and I’m not inclined to risk our friendship, so we haven’t really seen or spoken to each other.” I sigh.

  “And if we do, then this would be the last thing. It might be easier not to even work together anyway.”

  “But you haven’t even spoken?”

  I shake my head.

  He nods to himself, his calculating expression on. When he rubs his left temple, I know he is putting things together in his head.

  “I just need to list you as a recommendation on my job applications. So, I’m not unemployed for too long, and since I’m resigning, you don’t have to pay me unemployment.”

  “I don’t care about that, Emily. And I would still give you a severance package. But, I can do better than a recommendation, I can get you another job.”

  “Really?”

  He half smiles. “Yeah, if you talk to my brother. You can’t just leave him in the dust.”

  I shift on my feet. That’s the last thing I want to do. At least right now.

  “I won’t.” I clear my throat.

  “Arnold Enterprises could use a new International Relations Department associate. A phone call is all it takes.”

  My eyes widen in shock. That company is next to this one as far as holdings. When people can’t get a job here, they hope for one there and still don’t get it.

  “I’ll talk to him, Holden. I promise. But you don’t have to do that.”

  He scoffs, chuckling to himself. “It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t. One week, huh?”

  “Yeah. Sorry,” I say as sincere as I can.

  He nods once
. “I understand. Thank you, Emily.” He stands up. “I mean for all your hard work here, it’s really made a difference.”

  “No problem, I guess.”

  He stands in front of me towering over me before he leans across the front of my desk.

  “I have to tell him you know because hiring comes out of Operations. I can give you at least a day from now.”

  “I know, I’ll tell him.”

  He gives me a look, and I’m not sure I can place it. Carson is the only one I can read by facial expressions.

  “Sorry, I just, I don’t really get it.”

  “Me neither. But you guys were always joking about us, I guess you were right.”

  He smiles. “Yeah, we were. You don’t have to spend the whole week here, I can email the others.”

  I let out a calming breath, it’s the best news I have heard all week.

  “Thank you. Is a hug weird?”

  “No, but you know we’ll still see each other.” He pushes off the desk.

  “Yeah, I know. Hopefully, if Carson and I work things out.”

  “You will,” he says as he hugs me.

  I hug him back shortly before we separate. I take a deep breath and smile at him.

  “Can I ask you something, though?” He stops me when I am halfway out the door, just about to let myself cry.

  “Yeah.” I smile through the tightness in my throat.

  “Do you love him? I mean really, not your ring pops and grade school sleepovers but like really in love?”

  I curl my lips in with the sting in my eyes of how much that hurts, and I laugh a little too because that about sums up the progression of Carson and me.

  “Yeah, Holden. I do.”

  He nods at me, and I get going as fast as possible. In the safety of my office, I can let all my tears out. I can let everything out. And it hurts. Leaving this office, this company, it’s like leaving Carson. But I won’t know anything until I tell him.

  I walk through the halls for what seems like the last time, and I suppose it is. My chest is heavy, my feet drag, and I feel like I have been weighed down by the lead of all the stuff I’m keeping inside. I just feel sicker with every breath, every wavering moment.

  It’s going to end me before I even see it coming.

  I have to tell Carson that I love him.

  23

  Carson

  “Why the fuck did you let her leave?”

  “I didn’t let her do anything. She was out the door before I talked to her. Now quit yelling, it’s the middle of the office day.” Holden clenches his teeth and glares at me.

  I slam my fist on his conference table and pace around the room.

  When I found Emily’s office empty, I was confused, thinking we moved her to another corner office or something. But once I talked to Holden, that turned out not to be the case at all. She resigned, left the company without even telling me. We haven’t really talked in weeks besides texting, but I didn’t think we were here. I didn’t think we were this bad.

  “Why did she do this?”

  “I think you know why.”

  I turn and frown at him, but he is right. She sees there is a chance between us and knew this would be the last thing standing between it. That, or she really just couldn’t be around me anymore. I have to talk to her and find out.

  “I didn’t think… what is she going to do?” The first thing I’m thinking about is her job, her livelihood. She loved this work. She loved working with me.

  “I already made a call to Jackson Arnold, and he’s going to call her tomorrow to set up an interview.”

  I nod, that makes me feel slightly better. Her hard work on her education won’t go to waste.

  “Okay.”

  “What happened?” Holden pours two drinks and meets me by the conference table.

  “We had sex, and then kept having sex. And I don’t know if it destroyed us. There was some actual dating in there, but that was the bottom line.”

  “I think you have a lot to talk about.”

  “We have been talking.”

  “Texting is not talking. She’s your best friend, don’t you miss her?”

  I laugh because that isn’t even a real question.

  “Of course, I miss her. But every time we see each other, we jump right into bed together. It wasn’t productive.” We owe each other more than that, and we agreed we would lay low and get some space before we see each other again and derail any progress.

  But I don’t know if we made any. The thought of telling her how I feel makes me want to run in the other direction and knowing how she feels about me makes my skin crawl. Not because I don’t want to know but because I’m not good with change. Having sex was a change, taking her to some fancy places and stealing kisses at the dinner table was change—but this is drastic indifference. This kind of change isn’t reversible, it isn’t a simple fix. And it makes me want to pull my hair out.

  “No, it isn’t. Let me know how it goes.”

  “I’m not inclined to. But thanks.”

  I leave his office still half pissed he just let Emily go. But I guess I know he was in a tough position, and at least got her a new job. But it doesn’t make it easier to head to her place.

  I get there, knock on the door, and straighten out the lapel of my suit before she wings it open.

  “Hey, I wasn’t expecting you.” She folds her arm over her chest, but it doesn’t hide how her thin white shirt covers next to nothing.

  “Um, yeah, I… talked to Holden.”

  She rolls her eyes and head before walking in, and I follow her shutting and locking the door behind her.

  “He told me I had a day. I was planning to call you later. I just had some things to clean up.” She throws some stuff on the couch, that’s cleaning up.

  “Oh. I saw your empty office and went after him. What the hell, Emily?” I say frankly.

  She faces me from across the room. It’s good for us. I could wrap her up in my arms right now and carry her off to bed, and that would be it. So, it’s best I stay here and not get any closer.

  “I had to do it, Carson. I can’t work there anymore.”

  “Because we wouldn’t be able to be together?” I ask.

  “No, that’s the furthest thing from my mind. We haven’t even had this conversation, Carson. I left because I couldn’t bear to walk the same halls as you. Not with the way I feel.” Her voice cracks.

  “The way you feel? Emily you have to talk to me because as far as I’m concerned, I’m in the dust here. I feel like you ran from me.” I step closer a little, and she hardens her eyes at me.

  “I didn’t run from you. I knew I couldn’t work for you anymore, not like this.”

  “What is the ‘this’ that you are talking about?”

  “Carson…” She shakes her head looking down at the ground, and she covers her crying eyes with her hands.

  I stand in pain watching her, the way her shoulders are tensed up screaming ‘don’t touch me,’ and so I don’t. It seems like an eternity when she finally does look at me again, but the pain is lost in her eyes—her beautiful hazel eyes—it’s enough to make me wish none of this ever happened.

  “I fell in love with you. Carson, I… I love you. Not just as my friend, as more, as … as everything. And I couldn’t tell you that because I didn’t know what it would do to us, and judging from the look on your face, I think I have my answer.” Her face curls up as her lips tremble with her sobs.

  I’m not sure what my face looks like, but I’m sure it mirrors my thoughts—shock, hope that it was wrong, hope that I can get myself to articulate some thoughts. It’s coming way out of left field. It isn’t right. It isn’t…

  “Are you going to say something?” she whispers.

  I swallow back the tension in my throat. The floor sways, and the walls close in on me. Everything is closing in on me.

  “Carson? Don’t just stand there.” She strides over to me and shoves against my chest, “Carson?” She does i
t again, and again until her crying takes more energy out than trying to get me to open my mouth.

  Emily is in love with me. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. My mouth is dry from holding in what I want to say. That I might feel the same way, but that I’m afraid to.

  “Just get out, I don’t want to see you right now.” She walks around me to the door and opens it, looking at me waiting for me to leave.

  “I’m sorry, Emily,” I manage to at least say that, but it isn’t taken too well.

  “Just leave. Please.” She turns away from me like it hurts to look at me.

  Right now, it hurts to just be me. I can’t be honest with her, I can’t be honest with myself.

  The worst thing that could possibly happen, has happened.

  24

  Emily

  Nothing is worse than this.

  Seven days of wallowing in my own self-pity. Why did I even tell him? I couldn’t have just left well enough alone, had the best friend and perfect sex and fun dates. I just had to go and make things worse.

  And then Carson…

  Every night I go to sleep—a fitful one—thinking of his face when I told him and his silence that followed.

  The only talking I do is to my dad, twice a day and sometimes three times. And Forbes, when I could sum up the courage to wallow in my embarrassment. At least she understood, and we’re closer friends because of all my drama. But that’s all I get.

  Jackson Arnold did call, and I start in another week. They are setting things up for me there. Not only did my accolades speak for me, but Holden did too, and he’s the most respected businessman around right now.

  Everything is fine except for Carson.

  I miss my best friend. I miss having someone there. As soon as he left, I smashed our picture with the note he wrote to the ground—maybe it was overdramatic—but it felt like the right thing to do since it was obviously a lie. Until I cut my foot on the glass the next day, and it still hasn’t healed right.

  Nothing has healed right.