“Aren’t you coming with me?”
“Well, I didn’t want to impose, so I can stay if you want.”
“Oh, Andi, you could never be in the way. Come on, silly.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and we follow the nurse to the ICU, where we’re instructed on all different types of cords and tubes she’ll have attached to her body and why. I must say, until we walk into her room, I can’t picture everything she was saying, and as much as I try to control my reaction, I’m not able to stop the small gasp that escapes.
I feel Ethan take a slow, deep breath, squeezing my shoulders a little tighter as we enter, stopping beside her. Ethan doesn’t say anything for several minutes as we stare down at Carrie. She has tubes coming out of her everywhere, including her right side, which is draining blood. The nurse called it a chest tube, I think; now I can see why.
She brings a second chair into the room and pulls them both up to us.
“I know this can be overwhelming. Here, have a seat and conserve your energy. She’s going to need you to be strong for her.”
“Thank you, ma’am. May I hold her hand?” Ethan asks.
“Yes, of course you can, just make sure you don’t pull on any of the wires or tubes. Also, you can talk to her. She may respond to your voice.”
“Okay. Thank you again,” he says. We both sit in the chairs she brought and he gently picks up Carrie’s left hand, being careful not to pull it away from her body.
“Hey, Mom, I’m here. You’re sporting a new look today, I don’t think it’s your style, so you need to hurry up and get better, okay? Andi’s here with me, and we haven’t been able to tell you yet, but she’s my girlfriend now. I know you aren’t surprised, but we finally have it figured out. I couldn’t ask for anything more than her.”
Ethan looks back to me, reaching for my hand. I don’t hesitate to take it and I look back up at him, not bothering to hide the tears streaming down my face.
“I love you so much, Ethan,” I mouth to him.
“I love you too, baby. Go ahead and talk to her too. She’s always loved you like a daughter.”
I squeeze Ethan’s hand then talk to Carrie. “Hi, Carrie. I’m sorry we didn’t get to tell you sooner, but Ethan’s right. And I’m keeping him. You raised one hell of a guy here, but I think he’ll need both of us to keep him on the straight and narrow, so you have to hurry up and get well soon.”
There’s no response except the swishing sound from the machine that’s breathing for her—the ventilator, the nurse called it. I’m actually glad we can hear the noise; it helps knowing she’s still breathing. It all seems so surreal. We sit here together for quite a while, until I decide I’m going to go back and let Mom and Dad rotate in with Ethan. I’m sure they’re probably tired and want to go home to get some sleep. I let Ethan know what I’m doing and he says he doesn’t need anything. Giving him a kiss, I tell Carrie bye, even though I know she won’t respond. I guess I’m hoping she really can hear me and is glad I acknowledged her.
I quietly go out the door and am careful to shut it gently so I won’t disturb them. I head to the nurses’ station and ask if my parents have been by. The nurse shows me to the waiting room for the Intensive Care Unit or otherwise known as the ICU. I see them both there, sitting on a couch; Mom is lying on Dad’s chest, and both of them have their eyes closed. I stand there for a few minutes looking at them. I have to be one of the luckiest people in the world. I have such wonderful parents, who are just as much in love now as they were when I was a little girl. There are so many people whose parents are either divorced or miserable; I can barely remember mine ever fighting.
Then there are Ethan’s parents. First, his dad died when we were young, and now his mom is fighting for her life because of some idiot making a bonehead decision. I so wish she would’ve called us to come get her instead of getting in that car tonight. Then again, “could have, should have” doesn’t change anything. I learned that firsthand when I agonized over Ethan and me getting in that big fight. Instead of making it right, I left, regretting leaving him behind for four years.
Thinking about all this makes me even happier with my decision to stay instead of taking that job. I’ll have to go get my stuff, of course, but that’s no big deal; I’m sure Ethan and Dad will be more than happy to help me bring it all home. At least that’s one good thing that will make Ethan happy, some small piece of good news anyway. I want to tell him about my decision to stay, but I’ve decided to wait until the time is right. Right now, all he needs to be thinking about is his mom and her getting better.
I go up to Mom and Dad and softly call out to them. They wake easily, and Mom sits up.
“Hey, Andi. What’s going on? Is she awake yet?”
“No, not yet. I don’t know how long it’s going to take. I figured you were probably wondering what was going on, so I decided to come out and let you guys rotate in. I’m sure Ethan could use the support.”
“Of course, honey; after all, that’s why we are here. You go ahead, Ron. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you,” Bev says.
“Okay, honey. I’ll take him in a bottle of water too. I’m sure he could use it.”
Dad stands and stretches. I feel bad that I left them out here so long, but I’m grateful they’re here; they have to be the best parents in the world. Dad reaches out to me and gives me a hard hug, which melts my heart even more.
“Thanks, Dad. I love you both so much.”
“We love you too, honey. Okay, let me get back there.” Dad gives Mom a soft kiss on the cheek and heads back to the ICU. I sit down beside Mom and take a deep breath.
“So, how about you, sweetheart? How are you holding up?” She knows me too well. I’m sure my emotions are written all over my face, but I know how I feel has to be minor compared to Ethan. Not to mention I feel a little guilty that I have such amazing parents and Ethan has one dead and the other fighting for her life. Life isn’t fair sometimes.
Mom must sense my turmoil, because she puts her arm around my shoulders and she says, “Oh, honey, what you’re feeling is okay. You’re human too, you know; you have a right to your own feelings. I know you’re probably scared, and thinking you should be strong for Ethan, and while you should be there for him, you can’t lose yourself either. You’ve also never dealt with this kind of thing before, so seeing her in there must’ve been hard on you. It’s okay to let it out, honey. I’m your mother, that’s what I’m here for.”
Of course, the tears are rolling down my face about halfway into what she’s saying. I don’t know how she does it, but she always seems to know what I’m feeling without me even telling her. I love her so much.
“Oh, Mom, you know me so well. I’ve missed our talks so much, which is definitely a huge pro on my list of reasons for moving home. You’re right though; I’m feeling all torn up. It was scary going in there just now. I mean, I know they’re all in there for a reason, but there are so many tubes and wires, stuck in every orifice it seems like. The ventilator tube breathing for her . . . Ugh! It just shows how bad she is, and that’s even scarier. I mean, what if she doesn’t wake up?
“You know . . . Ethan’s dad died a long time ago, and now his mom might. Then I feel a little guilty that I have both my amazing parents but he only has one, who might die. I know it’s stupid, but I still feel that way.” With that, I burst into a new round of tears. I keep wiping my face, but it doesn’t matter; I don’t think an entire box of tissues would dry this broken dam of tears.
“Oh, Andi, you have such a big heart, which makes it easy to break when you care so much for other people. While I’m proud of you for caring so much, you have to remember to protect yourself and not take on things you can’t control. Sweetheart, what I mean is, you don’t have any reason to feel guilty about this situation. You’re not the one who made Ethan’s dad die, nor are you the one who decided to get drunk and drive a vehicle today, now are you?”
“No,” I say with a sniffle.
“So why are you
trying to take responsibility for it? What’s meant to be will be. Now, let it all go and try to relax for a few minutes, then pull yourself together without feeling guilty about it. I love you, baby girl.” Mom gives my shoulder a quick squeeze.
I nod and sit there for a few minutes without moving. I didn’t think about it that way, I guess. I know Ethan would never want me to be upset about it; he’d never be jealous over me having both my parents. I also know the whole thing is stupid too. I’m just grateful that Ethan has such a great relationship with my mom and dad. They all grew even closer while I was gone, it seems. Once again, my heart swells with the realization of how lucky I’m.
“Look who’s coming.” Mom points to the ICU entrance door; it’s Dad, with Ethan right behind him. We notice the looks on their faces at the same time and both jump up, meeting them halfway across the room.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Is she okay?”
“Andi.” Ethan wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight. I can feel the fear racking his body, which scares me because he’s as strong a guy as Dad is. It has to be bad.
“Hey, let’s all take a seat and I’ll explain what happened,” Dad says as he lets go of Mom and leads her back to our seats. Ethan and I go back as well, and I notice he doesn’t say anything at all. It’s like he’s in a trance.
“So, Ethan and I were sitting beside Carrie, just talking, and we noticed the ventilator started sounding a little different. We put on the call light for the nurse, but as soon as we did she came in the room, said she was already on her way there. She checked the machine then listened to Carrie’s side. Then she got on the phone and paged the doctor to the room. The next thing we know, the room is filled with nurses and doctors. Finally, the one we talked to before told us she has to go back to surgery, that there’s something wrong with the bleeding in her lungs and she has to be fixed now or she’ll die.”
As soon as Dad says the word ‘die,’ Ethan jumps up and rolls his shoulders. “I’m going to go for a walk. I need some fresh air.” Then he takes off to the door.
“Hey, Ethan, hold up. I’ll come with you.” I start towards the door but he puts his hand up, making me stop.
“I appreciate that, Andi, I really do, but I just need a few minutes.” With that, he opens the door and takes off down the hall. At first, it kind of hurts my feelings, but then I think about it and I can understand that a lot’s happened in a short amount of time. Not to mention her crashing right in front of him had to be terrifying. So I don’t follow my first instinct to chase after him, letting him go instead. I hope he’s okay and he comes back soon.
“Don’t worry, honey. Ethan is a strong person, and he’ll be okay. He probably just needs to be alone for a few minutes to pull himself together.”
“I know, Dad, and thank you both for being here for him. I don’t know what I’d do without you both.” I walk over and pull them into a group hug.
“You’d miss us, but you’d do just fine, Andi. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. We should know—we raised you that way.” Dad places a kiss on my forehead.
This makes me chuckle a little, which feels good with everything going on. I go back to my chair and sit down, deciding to wait until Ethan comes back. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes. I just want to relax them for a few minutes; I’m starting to get a headache. Of course, this can only be a fraction of the amount of pain Carrie must be feeling.
I really hope Ethan comes back soon. I wish he’d let me be there for him.
I calmly walk out the hospital doors, the night air hitting my face. I have no idea what time it is, and I don’t really care at the moment. Right now, I just have to find a quiet spot where I can be alone before I come unglued. I don’t want Andi to see me lose my shit.
Every time I think I’m calming down, the image of her body lying there, so lifeless with all the tubes, fills my mind; I feel my blood boil and the fear smacks me in the chest, reminding me that she could very well die. I might lose my mom. The thought hits me hard again, and I decide to go for a run. I take off at a dead sprint; I don’t have any idea where I’m going, so I just go. I don’t want to think or feel or do anything but run.
I don’t know how far I’ve gone, but I just keep going until I run out of breath and my side is killing me. Dumbass, I should’ve stretched before I took off. I know better than that. The last thing I need is to hurt myself when Mom needs me the most. Just the thought of Mom makes me lose everything I just gained from the run, and I break down. I sit against a concrete wall and just lose it. I’m not usually one to cry, but I can’t seem to stop it.
It’s my mom, and I don’t know if she’s going to make it. I should’ve called her and checked on her. I should’ve talked to her more, told her how much of a jackass Tim was, that she was a smart woman and she didn’t need to take his crap. Hell, I would’ve helped her find someone better, like Joe, the guy down the street, or anyone else for that matter. Someone who would’ve known better than to get into a car drunk and crash into someone else. He could’ve killed the other people. He may have killed my mom.
I sit there for a little while before I hear my phone ringing; I didn’t even remember it was in my pocket. I pick it up and see it’s Andi, so I answer even though I don’t really want to talk—she’s at the hospital, so she may have news about my mom. I can’t believe I let myself lose control like this. I should never have left; I should be there.
“Hello?”
“Ethan, are you okay? Okay, stupid question. Where are you? The doctor will be out to talk to you in a few minutes. Can you get back here?” Andi asks.
Shit, she’s out of surgery already? “I, uh, went for a run. I’m sorry, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I’m on my way to get you, it’ll be faster. Where are you?”
“I’m not sure. I came out of the hospital, turned right, and just ran. I didn’t make any other turns, so I’ll head back that way.”
“Okay, I’m almost to the car now.”
“All right, see you soon.”
“Bye, Ethan.”
I put my phone back in my pocket and walk towards the hospital, feeling the effects of not working out the past few days. I usually run in the mornings and do workouts a few times a week, but I’ve been trying to spend every minute I can with Andi before she leaves. I really wish she was staying, but she needs to get back and see if she’s going to like this job. She needs to make the decision about where she wants to be, and if she wants me to be with her. I need to see what’s going to happen with Mom before I make any decisions about my future.
I see Andi coming up the road now. I wave to her and she goes past me to turn around, then stops beside me. Opening the door, I climb in.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Thank you for picking me up.”
“There’s no need to thank me, Ethan. I’m here for you every step of the way. The good and the bad.”
I turn my head and look at her; she has to be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I love her so much.
“Well, I didn’t expect all this bad right away, but I’m grateful to have you here with me. I’m sorry I took off. I’d never hurt you on purpose. I just needed to go for a quick run, let everything out. After you left, I was a mess, but I learned to deal with my emotions by working out and running. It lets me clear my head for a few minutes, my own little escape from my problems.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you before. I don’t ever want to hurt you again. At least it’s a healthy habit though.”
“Yeah, it’s way better than drinking. Of course, I also picked up racing, which I love just as much. And I wasn’t fishing for an apology, just so you know.”
“I know you weren’t. It’s okay,” Andi says as she pulls back into the parking lot and parks. We get out of the car and head back in the hospital. Andi doesn’t say anything until we get into the elevator; then, without saying a word, she grabs my hand and pulls me to her. Putting her hands on my cheeks, she
brings my face to hers. We’re nose to nose, and she’s staring me straight in the eye.
I can see her crystal-blue orbs swirling with emotion. Instead of saying anything, she places the softest kiss I’ve ever had on my lips. Of course, this melts my heart, and I moan a little in her mouth. She moans even deeper, and our kiss is immediately ignited to a whole different level. That is until the elevator bell chimes, and we pull away from each other just as the doors swing open.
Oh, wow. I sneak a quick look at Andi and she’s wearing the same grin I know I’m sporting. I’m so glad to see her gorgeous smile during such a sad situation.
We come out of the elevator hand in hand, heading back to the waiting room with Bev and Ron.
“Has anyone said anything yet?” I ask.
“The surgeon came out and said to let him know when you were back,” Ron says.
“Thank you both for being here. I know I’ve said it before, but I really mean it.”
“It’s all right, Ethan. There’s nowhere else we’d be,” Bev says.
I smile at her then go to the nurses’ desk and let them know I’m back. They send for the doctor, and he comes back out after a couple minutes.
“Hi, I just wanted to let you know she had some internal bleeding from her liver, but I believe we have it under control now. She’s stable at this time but, same as before, the next twenty-four hours are critical. So far, all her brain scans are coming back normal, which is a good sign. I’m hopeful that, with some time and rest, she can make a full recovery.”
“Oh, thank you so much, Dr. Stevens. I appreciate everything you’ve done for my mother.”
“You’re welcome. If you have any questions or if there are any changes, please just let someone know and I’ll be back with you.” Then he shakes my hand and disappears behind the ‘staff only’ door. I turn back around to look at everyone sitting there waiting, and my heart swells. This family is so amazing, and my life would be totally different without them. I feel bad though that they’ve been here dealing with all this, I’m sure they’re all exhausted.
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