Shield

by Rachael Craw

  “I’m sorry for waking you.” Helena, her voice so soft it’s barely a breath.

  I focus hard to pick up the words.

  “I wasn’t asleep.”

  “You should be,” she says, keeping her tone light. “If we get the call tomorrow night there will be no rest.”

  “Even if we get the call the odds are low for securing a Spark. It could take weeks. Months.”

  “We must always expect it. Always prepare.”

  “That’s your dad talking.”

  I flinch. A direct hit. His voice, those words coolly tossed, your dad. I can’t see her face clearly enough to see if she smiles.

  “I worry about him. If the cure is unsuccessful …”

  “He won’t give up.”

  “That is what I fear.”

  I bare my teeth. She’s not a believer.

  He finally looks at her. “You don’t think it’s worth it.”

  She frowns at the step. “He has always been driven but this is obsession.”

  Jamie laces his fingers and wets his lips. “He believes he can make a difference.”

  “Is it his responsibility? He’s taken the boy’s death personally. It was unfortunate but he doesn’t owe Evangeline for the loss of her brother and neither do you. He was a Stray. Benjamin simply–”

  “Aiden was deactivated.” He gives each word careful emphasis. “And I’m not here because I owe Evie. I’m here because it’s the right thing, because it’s meaningful – the chance to change things for the better.”

  “He tried to kill your sister.”

  “And I tried to kill him and so it goes. The Initiative can change things. Save lives.”

  “Do you really believe that? Or is it what you tell yourself to justify delaying your commitment to our Deactivation?”

  A long, hard pause.

  “We’re not out here for me to justify anything. You got what you wanted this afternoon.”

  She hitches her knees up and wraps her thin arms around her legs. It makes her look young. “It wasn’t me.”

  I want to slap her.

  “And I should believe you?”

  “Yes.”

  Like hell!

  “No one else knew.”

  “I didn’t tell Knox.”

  Liar!

  “You’re the only person who wins from this … if you call forcing me to be with you a win.”

  “I do not and I did not do it.”

  More stony silence. Can’t they feel my rage pulsing across the gymnasium?

  “We can’t pretend things are like they used to be. You made the choice to pull back – not me. I can’t erase the last six months. I can’t just scrub Evie from my DNA.”

  “I understand.”

  My heart kicks, I squeeze the rope and my palms begin to burn.

  He stares at his hands, his mouth pressed hard.

  “I was a fool, Jamie.” Her voice breaks and she buries her face in her knees.

  I knew it! She did it! She told Knox!

  “Papa was right about Stephan.”

  It doesn’t make sense to me and I can see, by the sharp twist of Jamie’s head, that it wasn’t what he was expecting to hear either.

  “Stephan?”

  “He had moved on. I knew a civilian relationship was unsustainable.” She shakes her head. “I wasted all our progress on … nothing.”

  I try to remember what Jamie had told me about Helena’s previous relationship. Nothing specific. Only the hint that she had put things on hold with Jamie because she needed time out – time to decide if Deactivation was what she truly wanted, time to explore if what she had given up was salvageable. I guess the answer was no. My stomach churns with a toxic mix of spite and jealousy.

  Jamie listens, grave and still.

  “I didn’t know that I wanted freedom more than I wanted love and then I lost both.”

  “It’s not as though I ran off looking to bed the first girl I clapped eyes on.”

  “I’m not suggesting you did.”

  “Evie’s been … in my skin since I was a kid.”

  “I remember the stories. The River. The willow. The bet.”

  My hands almost slip on the rope. He told her about me … back then … before everything? I want to throw my head back and howl at the ceiling.

  “Meeting her again, finding our … connection … I can’t just turn it off; I’m not a bloody robot.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to.”

  “Then what do you expect?” His voice rises. “That I’d be a good lad? Lie back and think of England?”

  “Shhh.” She gestures towards the opening at the top of the stairs. “No. I don’t expect you to run back to my bed. It is harder now but the choice has been made for us.”

  “Freedom?” he says, as though it tastes like battery acid.

  “I’m running out of time.”

  He stiffens. “That’s not fair.”

  Wilting, she curls her shoulders and shakes her head. “I can’t go through it again. You don’t know what it was like, Sparking while my signal was so depleted. I didn’t have a hope of saving him. It was like being a first-timer again. Worse because I knew what was coming. I can’t risk it, Jamie. I can’t lose another Spark. It nearly killed me.”

  The tension in Jamie’s body gives a little. He turns towards her, hesitates then circles his arm around her back. Helena shudders with silent tears, burying her face in his shoulder. Somehow my territorial jealousy doesn’t set fire to the rope.

  She sniffs softly. “Six months ago we couldn’t have sat like this without pain.”

  He doesn’t speak.

  “We have a lot of work to do to regain lost ground.”

  Again, he says nothing.

  I count seconds like hours, biceps and shoulders beginning to ache, eyes glued to the seam where their bodies meet. My pulse pumps bloodless – an empty echo in my head.

  “You know Papa says it shouldn’t take as long this time around.”

  A pause then a questioning tilt to his head.

  “The synaptic pathways for Deactivation are still intact. We simply need to return to the program. Repeat the affirmations. Take the booster shots.” She shifts against him, her voice a velvet whisper, her accent thickening. “Resume physical contact.”

  Jamie tenses but he doesn’t pull away.

  Slowly, carefully, she brings her lips to his.

  My vision blurs with a white bolt of adrenaline through my system, the taste of blood in my mouth. My inner ear throbs with that piercing, glass-breaking note. I jag my nails on the rough-corded rope. I catalogue every trespass, her hand on his arm, its sliding upwards path, bicep, shoulder, neck, jaw. Her breasts pressed against him, her back arching beneath his frozen hand, her lips searching for a response, an agreement.

  Three, maybe four excruciating seconds.

  Jamie turns his head, gently breaking the kiss.

  She sits back, balling her fists in her lap.

  “I’m not … I need time,” he says.

  “I understand.”

  He hauls himself to his feet.

  “Jamie, I’m trying to make the best of things.”

  A bitter chuckle and he drops down onto the gym floor.

  “I didn’t force this,” she hisses. “You’re the one who went to her room. You’re the one who opened the door for Knox.”

  “I thought Ethan was sending Evie home. I’m going to the UK after this and I thought it was the last time I would ever see her again.”

  Something tears inside me. I nearly fall and skin my palms trying to regain my grip.

  “Jamie …”

  “You’re right. This is my fault. I put her in danger – no one else.” He turns towards the stairs.

  “Wait.” She goes to rise.

  “No. I’ll follow the program – affirmations and booster shots only, non-sexual contact to slow the progress of your signal but that’s it until we’re done here. Ethan needs every active Shield he can get and I won
’t compromise my signal in the field.”

  She composes her face and gives a small brusque nod. “That’s fair.”

  He takes the stairs two at a time. She watches him disappear into the barracks before lowering her face into her hands. Her shoulders shake and her back heaves but she doesn’t make a sound. My arms and legs tremble with effort, my skin feels like fire where it touches the rope. Finally, she gets to her feet, wipes her face and makes her way upstairs. When she reaches the viewing platform she holds the rail and lets her head fall back as though taking a last lungful of air. That’s when she sees me.

  I don’t move or speak. She draws herself up, her body rigid as she peers through the gloom. Part of me wants to apologise, a tiny surviving crumb of reason that acknowledges the violation of social etiquette – eavesdropping is bad. What do crumbs know? I hold her gaze, let her read the blistering judgement in my face. She turns on her heel and slips into the barracks. I can barely maintain my grip. Muscles screaming, my descent is too fast. By the time I reach the ground my palms and feet are red raw.

  MATCH

  “Wake up.” Whomp. Something soft hits my face. I jerk up on my elbow and the fabric missile slips onto my pillow, clean clothes. Davis smirks from the doorway to the lab. “Can’t hide in here all day.”

  “Can and will.” I groan, blinking at the dim footlights beneath the cabinets. “What time is it?”

  “Six am.” He flicks the overhead lights and they buzz on.

  I shield my eyes. “Ugh.”

  “Suck it up. Get dressed. You’re going to earn your breakfast.” He pulls the door closed behind him and I sit up on my camp mattress. I take a moment to register Miriam’s chest rising and falling beneath the crisp clean sheet the medic replaced the jackets with. She has a proper neck support now but I kept hold of Ethan’s shirt until the medic left and slipped it under Miriam’s pillow hoping the scent of her Synergist might count for something. I listen to the soft breath of the automatic bellows. The overnight drip is almost empty. I wonder when the medic’s shift starts.

  I check my palms for rope burn but the redness has faded. Testing my little finger, I’m amazed to feel no strain or tenderness when it bends. Healed bone in one day. I shake my head, unwinding the sticky medical tape. I wish I had a mirror to check the bruising on my face. Running my fingers through my scruffy hair, I get to my feet and start changing my clothes. That’s when I sense Ethan, his signal clear and close. He’s in the lab.

  I take longer than necessary getting dressed. Is it an ambush, him out there, waiting to drop more bombs? Helena. An angry flare of heat rushes over my skin just thinking of last night.

  Through the glass inset in the surgery door, I see Ethan, his back to me, working at the new tech set-up in the middle of the lab. All the boxy old computers have been shoved on the far counter. The whiff of disinfectant and industrial cleaner still hangs in the air. They’ve installed new computers, and a bunch of science equipment that I have no frame of reference for.

  He turns with the click of the door. I catch the clean whiff of soap and he’s changed his clothes. There’s a tablet in his hands, the screen glowing blue with screes of data. We’re alone.

  “I’m fine,” I say. It comes out more combative than I intend.

  He puts the tablet down and takes a step towards me. “I did not explain things well yesterday–”

  “Davis wants me,” I cut him off, pointing stupidly at the ceiling. “But I don’t want to leave Miriam alone.”

  Ethan looks stunned. “Miriam? Alone?” There’s a distracted quality to his voice as though he’s grappling with something off-topic. His face grows dark. “Forgive me. I did not intend … I told him to wait.”

  “For … breakfast?” I say it slowly, sensing a misfire.

  He searches my face for understanding. “Breakfast?”

  “I don’t want to leave Miriam by herself while I go and train and eat … What did you think I meant?”

  I see the realisation in his eyes and the fast blinking that indicates back-pedalling. “I – I wasn’t …”

  My face gets warm. “What else would Davis wants me mean to you?”

  “Evangeline …” Again my name like lead on his tongue.

  I brace myself.

  He rubs his hand over his tired face then straightens as though girding himself for a fight. “Miriam supplied me with a sample of your activated blood soon after you Sparked. All new recruits are tested for affiliation potential. Sanctions are given to those with non-amplifying signals only.”

  I am dumbfounded to hear Miriam gave Ethan my blood. When? How? But then how many times did I spill blood in those months with Kitty? She could have taken it any time. But I’m obsessing over the wrong detail. Davis.

  I recall our talk – our banter – the night before. Cosmic sex. Hard to compete. Guess things aren’t over with you and Moneybags. I close my eyes and groan. “No.”

  “Davis tested positive as a potential Cooler for your signal.”

  Safe. I hang my head and let the words penetrate. Davis can train me because he’s safe.

  “We wanted you to have choices.”

  I give a short, bitter laugh.

  “What the Proxy did to you …” The look in his eyes is a wasteland of lost hope. “It will be difficult to break that news to your mother. You cannot deactivate but … you do not have to be alone.”

  Alone. That word. The fear in the pit of my stomach.

  I think of all the van rides to therapy, the buddy talk, the cold pizza nights at the house with Kitty, bringing me dinner, clothes, meds. A winch tightens behind my sternum, heat there too. Davis. “How long has he known?”

  “I told him you were a match when you were in the psych ward.”

  I remember the trip home on the day I was released. The concerned looks. The leather wallet of lock picks. Humiliation funnels heat from my chest to my cheeks. “I thought he was my friend.”

  “He is.”

  “I’m his way out.”

  “You could be – if he wants to deactivate, if you are willing to commit.” Ethan sighs and plants a hand on his hip.

  A dark thought follows. “You think it was him? You think he tipped off Knox?”

  “No.”

  “So if not Helena,” I let scepticism poison my voice, “who else has the most to gain from forcing Jamie into the Deactivation Program? Getting the competition out of the way?”

  “He knows you cannot be with Jamie. There is no advantage to him.”

  “He could have done it to make me vulnerable. Needy. In steps reliable Davis – shoulder to cry on.”

  “Davis is loyal to me. He would do nothing to sabotage my work.”

  “The way I remember it, he wasn’t much of a believer when we were trying to reach Aiden. Next thing he thinks he’s got a ticket out and suddenly he’s all Cure Strays for the Win?”

  “You’re looking for enemies where there are none.”

  “You trusted Benjamin.” Cheap shot. I know I’m out of line. I don’t care. “You thought he was loyal.”

  “The Proxy manipulated him.”

  “She didn’t make him destroy Aiden’s blood sample.”

  “That proves nothing about Davis.”

  “It proves that maybe the people you think are loyal aren’t as loyal as you think.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I consider telling him what I overheard Helena say last night but, furious as I am, not even I can be that petty. Besides, it will just make me sound jealous – which I am. I swallow hard and steady my voice. “You saw me every day for four weeks.”

  He frowns at his shoes.

  “You could have told me about Davis – about Helena. Miriam.”

  Compressing his lips, he gives a small, slow shake of his head. “You weren’t ready–”

  “Don’t give me that controlling, over-protective crap. I would have handled it. I would have been fine. I am fine but–” I swallow against the tightness. “We
both know that Knox will find out the truth about us. He will claim me. So tell Davis he’s wasting his time and tell your daughter she’s got nothing to worry about.”

  “You are my daughter.” Simple. Cool. Unequivocal.

  The words run through me like a tremor in my bones, set my heart belting and make my eyes sting. “I’m your mistake.”

  “No.” He reaches to touch my arm but I move away. His chest fills and he draws himself upright, searching my face.

  “Worry about Helena. I can take care of myself.” I stalk out the lab door to the cell block, Ethan close behind me.

  “I will take it to the tribunal. Knox will not claim you–”

  Thankfully Juno and last night’s medic appear through the metal slider.

  “Evangeline,” Juno begins, her eyes flicking from me to my father, immediately reading the tension. “I hope you–”

  I walk straight past her out into the gymnasium, friction in my skin and a need to bruise my knuckles on someone’s bones.

  SPITE

  I stalk across the gym floor, the truth about Davis like a fistful of firecrackers set alight in my chest. Angry starbursts winding me tighter and tighter. Added to my upset over Helena and yet more evidence of Ethan’s total lack of faith in me, my determination to “do the right thing” disintegrates. What’s the point? He thinks I’m a train wreck. I am a train wreck.

  Jamie’s on a rowing machine, his long arms reaching, muscles taut. He frowns at something in the middle distance, something he might like to burn with lasers from his eyes and though he’s working the machine hard he hasn’t broken a sweat. I stride towards him ignoring Helena on an exercycle, Lane and Davis racing each other up and down the ropes. Let them look. Let them see everything.

  When it becomes obvious that Jamie is my target, he slows his pull on the oar, everyone slows – exercycles and ropes – watching. He meets my gaze, a burden of regret piled up behind his deep grey eyes. I feel his apology building between us, his determination to take all the responsibility for yesterday’s mess.