I turned back to the sunset. I couldn’t allow myself to get sentimental. Not here. I didn’t want roots here in Kagosaka. I didn’t want to get comfortable. I wanted to leave.
Akikai looked at me. “I’m really glad you came.”
I offered him a smile. “Me too.”
“Have you told anyone else about this place yet?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
I frowned. “I guess I wanted to keep it special. Perhaps. I dunno.”
He nodded, a smirk tugging at one side of his mouth. “Special. Alright.”
I nudged him with my shoulder. “Stop over-analysing every word I say.”
He nudged me back. “Then stop saying things that make me hopeful.” Shifting his weight, he turned his body to face me. “And excited.”
“Stop it.”
“I can’t help it. I’m excited about being with you, Kioto. And I’m excited that… I’m excited that there’s even a vague hope that you might feel the same way about me.”
Lifting his hand, his fingers brushed my chin. My head followed his fingers, savouring the contact for a moment longer.
I closed my eyes as his lips touched mine, gently at first, and then more forcefully. I pressed back against his mouth, silently asking him not to stop.
8
KIOTO
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Nahaya whispered.
She had climbed into my bed the moment I’d returned from the cave. Honestly, I’d been surprised not to find her already there waiting for me.
“Exactly what I said; we watched the sunset, then we talked and played cards,” I insisted.
“You ‘talked and played cards’? Are you serious?”
“Yes.” My heart was still beating so hard I was sure she’d feel it shaking the whole bed.
“You went and met a boy, in some secret, secluded spot, to watch the sunset, and you ‘talked and played cards’?”
“Exactly.”
Nahaya groaned, rolling over onto her back. She covered her face with her hands.
“You’d better not be lying to me,” she whispered. “It’s bad enough that you won’t tell me where this super secret place is.”
“It’s kind of ‘our place’. You understand, don’t you?”
“So, you do actually like the boy. Right?”
I covered my eyes with my hand, feigning embarrassment. “I guess.”
Nahaya squealed. “Yes. Yes! Something. Finally, she gives me something.”
I shoved her towards the edge of the bed, and she grabbed hold of my shoulders, laughing.
“Just keep it between us,” I whispered. “I’m so nervous, and I don’t know where this is going. The last thing I want is for everyone to be talking about it.”
Nahaya mimed zipping her mouth closed. “Trust me.” She yawned, her mouth gaping. “I guess we’d better get some sleep.”
“I guess so.” Although, I knew that sleep wouldn’t be coming easily. Not with the speed my heart and mind were going. I rubbed my arms, almost able to still feel Akikai’s touch.
9
KIOTO
“Hello girls,” Miya placed her food tray on our table, sitting herself down among us. “I’ve got some news.”
She looked unsettled. Rattled. Throwing a glance over her shoulder, she gave a quick shake of her head.
“Ubesa came to see me earlier. Came all the way out to the farm to speak to me. She asked me if I was teaching you all. I couldn’t lie; she’s our brood mother. The answer was already all over my face before I opened my mouth.”
“So, that’s the end of it?” I asked.
“That’s just the thing,” Miya said, leaning in. “All she said was that she was disappointed that we didn’t trust her enough to come to her. She asked why you girls were unhappy with the Kagosaka rooks, and I told her that they hadn’t bothered teaching you much at all. That you were being excluded from lessons. She said that they would be reprimanded. But, anyway, she’s taken me off farming duties, so that I can teach full-time. She said that it’s probably better if you’re taught by an Okaporo rook so that we can continue the traditions and stories specific to our home colony.”
We looked around at one another, silenced by our disbelief.
“I know,” Miya said. “I couldn’t believe it either. I keep thinking that maybe I misheard, or misunderstood her.”
Some of the girls started muttering together, their voices running fast and excited.
“So,” continued Miya, “there won’t be any lessons tonight. We’ll restart tomorrow morning. Alright?”
“That’s definitely alright,” I said.
“It’s amazing,” Nahaya added. “Maybe this place isn’t going to be quite so bad after all.”
Nahaya grabbed my hands, and we squealed excitedly, silly grins stretched across our faces.
“Watch out, Kioto, you’re almost looking happy,” she teased. “Mind you, you have a lot to be happy about now.”
“Yes, alright.”
“And I might not be too far behind you, on that front.” She grinned.
“Really? Who?” I braved a quick glance over at the table of boys. They were rowdy as usual, trying to assert their existence in a community where women held a higher value. A higher purpose.
Nahaya winced. “Can I not say who just yet? I’m not even sure if he likes me back.”
I raised my hand to my throat, feigning shock and hurt. “All those speeches you gave me about keeping things from you. And I thought we were best friends.” I shook my head slowly.
“Shut up, Kioto.”
“Fine. Keep your secret. I’ll just have to guess who it is.”
She cupped her chin into her hand. “I suppose you will.”
I looked back at them again; most of them were playfully punching one of the youngest boys. As playful as a beating can ever be, at least.
“Why do boys do that?” I mumbled, mostly to myself.
“Do what?”
I picked up my empty plate, standing up with it. “Act like idiots,” I replied with a shrug.
Nahaya stood, following me towards the counters. “Because they are idiots,” she replied.
“Do they ever become anything besides idiots?”
Nahaya placed her plate onto the dirty pile and turned around, leaning back against the counter. She surveyed the room casually.
“Probably not,” she said at last. “But I don’t think we’re that much better.”
Crossing the room, we left the great hall, and wandered back towards our dorm. All of the Okaporo girls slept together in a single room, and the next building was occupied by the Okaporo women.
“Do you trust the brood mother?” Nahaya asked.
I stopped and looked at her. “Don’t you?”
“I don’t know. It just seems like a big turnaround. I wonder if she has another agenda.”
“Maybe she just wants harmony in her colony.”
Nahaya cocked her head. “Perhaps.”
“It’s good news for us, though. Proper lessons. And we won’t have to sneak around anymore.”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t sound convinced.”
She sighed. “I know I should be happy, like you are. I dunno, something just feels off. We’ve been here almost six years, and we’ve been treated like outsiders that whole time. Even by her. And then, all of a sudden, we’re getting things handed to us. It just makes me suspicious.”
“But, if you think about it, we’re still being segregated. More so, if anything.”
Nahaya frowned, looking out over the mountains. “I guess. I just can’t trust it. I want to, I really do, but my gut just won’t let this go. Miya looked kind of concerned about it too, don’t you think?”
“A little. I guess.”
She waved her hands at me. “Ignore me. This is great, and we should be happy. I didn’t mean to suck all the joy out of you. Just ignore me.” Turning, she walked ahead towards the dorm.
I couldn’t ignore it. Not now that she’d said it. Not when, actually, it made a lot more sense than just accepting the idea that Ubesa had decided to be nice to us. All of a sudden. Nahaya was right to be suspicious, and I felt her unease ball itself into my own gut.
I took a deep breath, and strode after her. For the meantime, at least, I was going to make the most of this opportunity. But I promised myself that I would be on my guard. We couldn’t afford to relax. Not here.
10
KIOTO
“It’s cold tonight, huh?” Akikai draped a heavy blanket around my shoulders.
“It is. I think it’s going to rain.”
“Possibly.”
The sunset was hidden from us tonight, shrouded behind thick, low clouds. Not even broken by crimson edges.
“I’ve noticed that; how the temperature here plummets just before it rains. Back in Okaporo, the rain tended to be warmer. Y’know; when it gets really, really unbearably hot, and then the rain breaks it.”
“With a thunderstorm?”
“Not always. I love those summer rainstorms. They’re so refreshing. Like washing everything away to start over.”
“Sounds nice.”
I nodded, pulling my knees up under my chin.
“Are you still cold?” he asked.
“I’m alright.”
“No you’re not, look at you.” Shifting his pillow across to meet mine, he threw half of his own blanket around my shoulders, along with his arm. He pulled me tight against him.
“Better?”
I nodded quickly, trying to find my voice in my fluttering stomach.
“Have you heard that we’ve been allowed to start up lessons? Just us Okaporo girls, with our own rook.”
“Yeah? That’s great news.”
“It is.”
His body shifted against mine. “Is it weird? Memory trading? I mean, going into someone else’s mind, and taking something out. Carrying it.” He shivered. “It’s almost creepy, don’t you think? Sorry. That’s rude.”
I laughed, but I was acutely aware of the memory currently sitting, mismatched, in my own head. Heavy and uncomfortable. Heavier still, because of the secret and the shame attached to it.
“No, it’s not rude,” I said. “I do think it’s creepy, actually. But, when you see how desperate people are sometimes, and how much lighter they are afterwards… I guess you just have to focus on that part of it. The good that you’re doing.”
“Is that what your rook told you?”
I looked at him, his face almost entirely in shadow. Under the blanket, his fingers touched mine.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.” His fingers moved further over mine.
I wanted to turn my hand over, to hold his properly, but fear stopped me. Despite everything, I still couldn’t quite accept, unquestionably, that he really liked me. I was a scared little girl. An idiot. Maybe Nahaya was right.
“I’ve done a memory extraction,” I said. “And, I mean, a real one, not a practice one. A real paying customer. In Kagosaka.”
“Really?” He moved in closer. “How come? You’re not supposed to until you’re sixteen.”
“It was Miya’s job, really. She asked me to assist, but the client wanted me to do it instead. We all decided that it was alright. So, I did it.”
“Why did they want you? Sorry, I don’t mean—”
“No, it’s fine. I know; I’m a novice. She was just a girl. Underage. She was scared, and having someone more her own age do it made her feel safer.”
His fingers left mine for a moment, and then returned.
“Wow,” he breathed. “That’s amazing, and hugely dangerous. I remember someone here extracting from a child once.” He shook his head. “It was pretty bad, what they did to her.”
I swallowed hard, my throat like concrete. “So, you can’t tell anyone. Obviously.”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t.” His hand moved up to my leg, the heat of his skin warming through my thigh. “You know you can trust me.”
“I do.”
“And I know that I can trust you too.” He turned towards me. “I’ve never… I’ve never had a girlfriend before. I’ve never done anything like this. I’m kind of terrified all the time.”
I laughed, stopping when I saw the hurt look on his face. “I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I’m laughing because I’m relieved. Because I’m absolutely petrified, and my heart is beating so fast I think it might kill me.”
He looked at me for a moment before laughing himself.
“Maybe we both need to just relax a little,” he said. “I’m just scared of doing something wrong. Or hurting you, somehow.”
I shifted round to face him, dropping my knees down from in front of my chest. “You’re not going to. And, if you did do anything wrong, I wouldn’t really know anyway.”
He smiled broadly. “I guess.”
He leant forward and kissed me. As he pushed against me, I braced my hands against the floor. His, however, came seeking. Seeking every part of me, it seemed. It felt like his hands were everywhere at once, yet I still wanted more.
“Is this alright?” he whispered, breaking away from me.
“Yes,” I whispered back. I moved in, initiating the next kiss myself. I lifted a hand, unsure where to put it, opting for the back of his head; just like I’d seen in the movies.
I pushed harder, and Akikai slipped out from under me.
“Sorry,” I said quickly, recoiling against the rush of shame.
“Sorry, I just lost my balance a bit. Look, Kioto, do you mind if we slow things down a little bit? This is all moving really fast all of a sudden.” He looked down at his hands. “And I’m super aware of the age gap between us.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, breathing fast.
“It does. It will matter to everyone else, even if it doesn’t matter to us. We just need to be respectful. I need to be respectful. I don’t want anyone accusing me of pressurising you to do things you didn’t want to. That you’re too young to do.”
“You’re not pressurising me into anything.”
“I just don’t want anyone else thinking that.” He wouldn’t look at me.
“What does it matter what anyone else thinks?” My voice was tight, high-pitched. Fighting against the tears I was trying to hold back. “I love you,” I whispered, testing the words out for the first time.
“Woah.” He moved away from me. “Kioto, that’s a really big word.”
“I don’t care.”
Standing, he stepped out of the mouth of the cave. He raked his hands back through his hair, dropping them heavily back to his sides. I watched him for a moment, before pushing myself to my feet.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, staring at the floor. “Just forget that I said it.”
“I can’t.”
I took a step towards him. His arms were wrapped tightly around his stomach like armour. Armour from me. From what I’d said.
“Don’t… don’t you like me anymore?”
He sighed. “Of course I do. But, Kioto, I had just asked to slow things down—”
“You asked to slow things down because of what other people might think.”
If it were possible, he turned further away from me. A large raindrop fell on my cheek. Another dropped onto my collarbone. Another on my arm. Just like the tears on my face, the rain came fast and heavy, drenching us in minutes.
I stood, dripping, staring at the back of his head. Feeling more alone than I ever had. More abandoned. And the worst part was that this was my fault. That my stupid neediness had ruined this. There seemed to be all these rules, and I didn’t know them. But I knew, now, that I’d broken a serious one.
“I’m sorry,” I shouted over the rain. “I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything.”
He turned, sweeping his arms around me. He pressed his forehead against mine, rain dripping from his nose.
“You haven’t ruined
anything. It’s just a heavy weight you gave me. I wasn’t prepared to lift it. Not yet. But, actually, it’s not as heavy as I thought it might be. It’s not as scary as I thought it was.” He lifted my chin. “Actually, I rather like it.” He kissed my cheeks. “Are you crying?”
“No, it’s just the rain.”
“Salty rain, huh?” I turned my face away, but he brought it back. “I promise that I’ll never make you cry again.”
“I’d like to promise that I’ll never say dumb stuff again, but, I really can’t promise that.”
We laughed. In the rain. In the cold. Under the fading shadow of heartbreak.
He moved his mouth to my ear. “I love you too,” he whispered gently.
And then his wet lips were on mine. Hard and hungry. His hands were on my hips, my waist, my stomach, lifting under my clothes, pulling them over my head. And still, it rained.
11
KIOTO
When I woke, the grey light of an overcast morning was cutting its way into the cave. I sat up, every muscle complaining, and wrapped the blanket tighter around myself. I shivered.
While Akikai still slept, his breathing slow and deep, I quickly dressed. My clothes were still wet, and sent spasms of shivers through my body. My teeth chattered. I needed to get back to the dorm.
Digging out one of Akikai’s chalks, I wrote on the ground next to him.
Going back before people notice I’m gone. Thank you. I love you. Please don’t freeze to death.
I crept past the colony buildings; their curtains still closed, their occupants, hopefully, still sleeping inside. I heard the whispered sound of my name, and winced. Miya was sitting on the front steps of her own residence, watching me. I had almost made it back unseen. I was so close. I glanced at my dorm, tempted to simply run inside.
Instead, I walked over to her, keen to keep whatever conversation we were going to have, to nothing more than whispers.
“Creeping home at this time of the morning?” she asked. “That’s known as ‘the walk of shame’, Kioto. Not something you should be doing at thirteen years old.”
The Stray Page 4