“Just like I shouldn’t be doing memory extractions at thirteen years old.” A shard of guilt sliced through my stomach, but this was the only bargaining weapon I had.
Miya nodded. “True. I’m not reprimanding you, I’m just worried about you.” She lay her hand on my shoulder. “Oh, you’re soaking wet. Where have you been?”
“It rained last night.”
“Were you sleeping outside?”
I grinned stupidly. “Kind of.” Kind of outside. Kind of slept.
“Get inside and get changed. We’ve got an errand to run this morning.”
“What?”
She tapped my forehead. “I’ve got a buyer for that memory you’re still carrying around.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Did you remember to do what I said; to treat it like barbed wire? Try not to touch it, just hold it away from all your other thoughts. You don’t want it to integrate.”
“Yes.” I felt for it, withdrawing as soon as I felt its sharp edges. “Yes.”
“Good girl. Go and get changed, sort yourself out, and meet me back here. And you better hope no one else noticed you were out all night.”
An auto-car picked us up from the entrance of the colony, and Miya scanned the buildings behind us before climbing inside.
As the car pulled away, she handed me a sandwich. “Sorry I didn’t let you have breakfast first. I want to get there and back before too many people notice we’re gone.”
I took the sandwich, and even opened it, but my stomach was churning so badly that I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat it. I picked a little at the crust before setting it aside.
“Nervous?” Miya asked.
I nodded.
“No need to be. It’s just like the extraction, just the other way round.”
“What if I push the wrong memory forward? Or if they take more than they should?”
“Don’t worry. As long as the memory hasn’t integrated, the body sees it almost like a virus. It’s not meant to be there, and your brain wants it gone. You won’t even need to push it. A tiny nudge and it will spring forward to be taken.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
“Also—” I cut off.
“What is it?”
I stared down at my hands shoved tightly between my knees. “I’m just a bit nervous about meeting someone who wants this memory. Someone who’s willing to pay for it.”
“Definitely don’t worry about that. You won’t be meeting them. I insisted on that.” She patted my leg. “You’ll be giving the memory to a merchant.”
“A memory merchant?” I grimaced. “Are you serious? A baser? An egg?”
“Yes,” Miya hissed. “But you should probably keep those insults to yourself.”
“But colony traders and merchants never work together.”
“Would you rather meet the man who wanted the memory?” she snapped. “Would you rather place your hands on him and push that memory into his head for him to salivate over?”
I curled myself back into the corner of the seat. “Why are we even doing this? This whole thing has been wrong from the start.”
“You didn’t have to get involved.”
I stared at her. She was looking out of the front window, her back straight and rigid, her hands gripping the front of the seat.
“I’m sorry….” I said quietly. “I’m just nervous.”
Miya looked at me, her posture softening. “Sometimes, Kioto, we need to do things we would normally avoid. Sometimes, when we’re stuck in a situation…” She looked away. “Ubesa wants to marry me off. But, not in Kagosaka. She’s picked someone out for me at the Naradai colony. She wants to send me away.”
My mouth flapped uselessly, unable to find any words to fill it.
“I’ve known for a while, but, I didn’t know how to tell anyone.”
“When?”
“I don’t know. Months, maybe. Probably more like weeks. She wants me gone.”
“So why let you teach us? Why bother?”
Miya shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe she felt it was like a concession. Or maybe she’s just messing with us. Getting you girls hopeful that things can get better, and then ripping them away again. I don’t know, Kioto.”
“Refuse to go.”
“How can I? She’s my brood mother.”
“Narata is our brood mother!” I yelled.
“Narata is dead. Just like everyone else we loved.” She brushed a tear from her cheek, but more came to replace it.
“Sometimes, Kioto, you have no choice about things. Sometimes, you’re just desperate. Sometimes, you end up in situations you want to get out of, but by the time you realise, you’re in too deep to stop it. All you can do is ride the ensuing shitstorm.” Her voice cracked, and a whimper escaped her. She bit her lips back into her mouth. “I’m sorry, Kioto. I’m sorry that I dragged you into all of this. I wanted… I wanted to make sure that you experienced a real extraction before I was sent away, because, I suspect, once I leave, your education will be over. I was good friends with your parents. They were my best friends. And I couldn’t live with myself if I let them down.”
I grasped hold of her arm. “You haven’t let them down.”
She wrapped her fingers around my wrist. “Don’t you let them down either. Be angry, Kioto, stay angry. But turn that anger into a fire that powers you, not one that consumes you. You go out there, and you be the exact person you need to be to honour them. Keep that fire burning. It’s a beacon. A beacon for Okaporo and everyone who died there.”
12
KIOTO
When we returned to the colony, the Okaporo girls were standing around outside the dorm, waiting for lessons to start.
I lowered my eyes, but not before they met Nahaya’s. And I recognised the look on her face. It was the look that said ‘You are going to tell me everything.’
Miya swept into the building, as if she hadn’t arrived almost two hours late, urging everyone in behind her.
“Come on, come on, let’s not waste any more time this morning.” She spoke as if the girls had caused the delay. I admired her boldness, but I understood that, in actuality, it came from desperation. She was on borrowed time here, and she wanted to teach us as much as she could before she was sent away.
I tried to concentrate on the lesson, but my mind kept pushing at the gap where Nitaro’s memory had been. Like my tongue returning, again and again, to lick at an ulcer. It didn’t feel like part of me was missing, but it was a definite hole. I could feel it. Like a breeze across my neck.
“Kioto,” Nahaya whispered. “Where were you this morning?”
I flicked my eyes towards Miya, indicating that now was not the time for talking.
Nahaya groaned quietly. “Will you tell me later?”
I looked at her. There had been too many secrets between us lately, and it was creating a cavern. I didn’t feel part of this anymore. Part of what had become, almost, like a secret society. The girls and women of Okaporo. Sticking together. Us against the world.
I nodded quickly, although I wasn’t sure how much I’d tell her. When we’d first arrived in Kagosaka, I told her everything. Still, back then, I didn’t have secrets as heavy and precious as I had now. Like gemstones in my pockets. Or, perhaps, grenades.
Yet, I had handed those secrets to Akikai. I had handed him all of me. Willingly, although, not without fear.
I reached out, touching the tips of her fingers with mine. “I’ll tell you later,” I mouthed at her. And I meant it.
After our lessons, we found our way out towards the farm. There was a small gathering of black pines that had grown close together, their branches reaching out and around each other to find the sunlight. They offered low, curved branches, perfect for sitting.
Our feet dangled a few inches above the ground, and we swung them back and forth. The thick needles largely concealed us, offering us a feeling of privacy that allowed secrets to be set loose.
&nb
sp; “It feels like ages since we last talked like this,” Nahaya said.
“It is ages. I’m sorry. I know that my head’s been elsewhere.”
She shrugged. “It’s alright. I know you have this thing going on with Akikai.”
I nodded, unable to stop the grin that spread across my face.
“Kioto, are you falling in love with that boy.”
I looked down at my feet. “Well, I don’t want to jinx things, but I kind of am.”
“And does he feel the same?”
I nodded, still smiling like an idiot. “He said it.”
“He actually said that he loved you?”
“He did.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re only just telling me this.”
“It only happened last night.”
“But, I had no idea you were anywhere close to that. I didn’t know it was so serious.”
“I don’t know if it is that serious.”
“It sounds like it is.” She leant against me. “As long as I can be your maid of honour. Oh, wait, or we could have a joint wedding.”
I laughed, telling myself that Nahaya was getting carried away. Deep down, however, I knew that it was something I’d already thought about.
“And,” I said, “who is it that you’ll be marrying? Seeing as we’re sharing.”
“Taka.”
“Really?” I back-pedalled when her face fell. “I mean, he was pretty mean when he chased us.”
“He hasn’t done that in a long time, though. The boys are growing up, don’t you think? We all are. We’re not children anymore. We need to think about our futures.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure. As long as he’s good to you.” I squeezed her hand.
She smiled. “He is. He really is. I know he seems like a bit of a brute, but he’s actually really sweet. I think I can really be happy with him.”
“I’m glad.”
“Yeah. And I’d much rather choose someone for myself than wait until they choose someone for me.”
An idea struck. “That’s where I was this morning. I was up early, and I saw Miya crying. So we went for a long walk and a chat. She’s being sent to Naradai to marry.”
“First; what? Why? Second; don’t lie to me. You were not up early this morning. At least, not from your bed. I know that you didn’t sleep there. But, first; what? Why?”
“I don’t know. Miya doesn’t know.”
“Why would Ubesa let her teach us if she’s just going to take her away?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she’s trying to cause disruption and upset. I don’t know. But you can’t tell anyone. I’m not meant to know.”
“I won’t say anything,” she promised.
“Not even to Miya.”
“Let’s move onto my second point. You did not sleep in your bed last night. So, where were you, and what were you doing? I know I don’t need to ask who you were with.”
“No, I don’t suppose you do. I kind of hoped no one would notice.”
“Don’t worry, I was the only one. I think, at least. So…?”
I covered my face with my hands, grinning behind my fingers.
“Did you spend the whole night with him?” Nahaya whispered.
I nodded, my hands still covering my eyes.
“Then, can I presume that something quite momentous occurred?”
After a moment, I nodded again. Slowly, I lowered my hands, looking at her with a wince. Her mouth hung open, her eyes bulging.
“Are you serious?” she said.
I nodded once more.
Grabbing hold of my hands, she twisted around, turning her body towards me. “You have to tell me everything. Everything.”
13
KIOTO
“Did you know that Nahaya and Taka were seeing each other?” I asked Akikai.
He gave a shrug. “I dunno. Maybe.”
“Are many of the boys hooking up with girls now?”
“I don’t know, we don’t really talk about it.”
I moved closer to him. “But surely you’ve noticed.”
“I don’t really pay much attention.”
“But—”
“I don’t know, Kioto,” he snapped, cutting me off. “Boys aren’t obsessed with who’s seeing who. That’s for you girls to gossip about.”
“I’m sorry, I just… What’s up with you?”
He sighed. “I just didn’t come here to talk about everyone else’s relationships.” He didn’t offer an apology.
I stood up and scuffed my way further into the cave. He didn’t call me back. He didn’t follow me. I sat down, casting my eyes over the drawings on the walls. I’d seen them so many times, but there were so many of them, and my eyes always managed to find something new.
I cupped my chin into my hand, my elbow balancing on my thigh, and closed my eyes for a moment. I hadn’t realised how tired I was.
“Are you sleeping?”
I jolted awake, and looked up at Akikai. Or, rather, his silhouette.
“I don’t know why I’m so exhausted,” I offered.
“Did you actually want to spend some time with me today? Because you can always leave, if you like.”
“What’s wrong with you? Have I done something to upset you? Other than talk and snooze, of course.”
“Nothing’s wrong with me. I just figured we’d be doing more than talking and snoozing.”
I cocked my head. “What did you have in mind?”
“What do you think?” He turned around, striding back to the entrance of the cave. It was bright around his shadowed figure, like he was the pupil of an eye.
I followed him. “So, you just want to do that…? Like last night?”
He looked at me as if it were obvious.
A voice inside me told me to let him do it. It urged me, fuelled by my doubts, my inexperience, my fear. The feeling that said he wouldn’t forgive me. The feeling that I didn’t want to be alone again. That this was better than nothing. And that, maybe, this was all I would ever get. All I deserved. But then, another voice spoke up. A voice telling me to leave. I focussed on that one, tugging it out, untangling it from everything else.
I narrowed my eyes, tossed my head, and left. As I climbed up out of the cave, my heart hollowed out, and that numbness spread through my body like a virus. I turned my face towards the distant ocean, closing my eyes, and imagining that I was home.
But, I wasn’t. I was alone. And lonely. And it felt like I would never be anything else.
14
NAHAYA
Behind me, Taka grunted and snored. I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing at my wrists. It hadn’t been how Kioto had described it, but, perhaps, everyone did it differently.
Taka was strong, and persistent. He was muscular, and clumsy, as if he was still growing into his adult body. He wasn’t like Akikai who was small, and slight.
I turned and looked at him, his thick chest rising and falling. If I didn’t choose a husband for myself, then one would be chosen for me. I could end up with someone far worse than Taka.
Most of the boys here were brutish. Rowdy show-offs who used their fists instead of their mouths. But Taka had been sweet to me. There was a sensitive part of him, buried inside. I brought it out of him. Perhaps I could bring it out more over time.
I sighed, wondering how many women had thought such thoughts before me.
15
MIYA
Ubesa swept into the dorm, a crowd of men behind her. “Hello, Miya.”
I straightened up, bowing my head to her. “Brood Mother,” I said.
“Have you finished your lessons for the day already?” she asked, casting a look of distaste around the room.
“Only for this morning. The girls are having a break before we reconvene.”
“I’ll arrange for another rook to take over. It’s time for you to leave. A car is waiting to take you to your new life in Naradai.”
“What? Now?”
“Yes.
You’re expected. Go and pack your things.”
“But, the girls. I need to say goodbye.” My voice was tight, pushing its way past a thick ball of tears in my throat.
“I think a clean break is best. Drawn out goodbyes are traumatic for everyone. A short, sharp shock is best. Just like snipping the cord.”
I stared at her, my mouth fallen open. The tears found their way out; salty on my lips.
“Don’t over-dramatise, Miya,” she said. “You knew that this was coming. I think a change of scenery will be good for you. You and the Okaporo girls have cocooned yourself here. Refused to integrate—”
“We’ve been pushed aside,” I cut in.
“Nonsense. You’ve been welcomed here, and you’ve chosen to separate yourselves. The girls will have a better chance to become part of Kagosaka, to make this their home, if you move on. They need to put the past behind them, not cling to it. Okaporo is gone. They need to put their roots into Kagosaka now.”
“Their roots will never be in Kagosaka,” I hissed.
“You’re upset, I understand that. But the car is waiting, so you need to hurry along. Pack your things. If you need help, then…”
She turned and gestured to the men behind her. But they hadn’t come to help me fold my underwear.
I nodded. Defeated. “Fine. I’ll go. Just, please, please tell them that I love them.”
Her face remained still. Deep down, I knew that she wouldn’t.
16
KIOTO
With Miya gone, life in Kagosaka returned to the hell it had been before. The Kagosaka rooks refused to teach us. They claimed lack of time, but it was no more than a lack of inclination.
The Okaporo women seemed to lose their drive without Miya. They returned to the farm, avoiding our gaze, dodging suggestions of them teaching us. It felt like Okaporo had truly disappeared forever.
As best I could, I took up where Miya had left off; teaching the other girls everything I had learnt. We became self-taught memory traders, breaking every tradition our people had. But it was our only choice. If we didn’t learn to trade, we couldn’t make an independent income, and we were stuck in Kagosaka. Completely at the mercy of the colony. Charity. Relying on handouts from a community that despised us.
The Stray Page 5