I Need You Too

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  “I thought about how mad I’d been, how I wanted to chastise him. I’d even gone to his hospital door many times, hoping he’d be awake just so I could punch him. But each time I heard your voice telling me to leave him alone. I saw the broken man that he’d become. I decided if he could fight his way back and wake up, I’d give him his space. It must mean he’s meant for this world.”

  I didn’t want to admit it, but I had to let her know. “Ethan’s a good man. He ended up saving your father’s company from financial ruin. He helped Rafe save his one true love, Dawn, from a crime boss hell bent on revenge. He even saved your cousin Marjorie. That girl up and married James, despite our warnings. You know how much we hated him and we had good reason to. He turned out to be a sadist under the influence of someone’s mind control. Can you believe the whole thing turned out to be jealousy from her former friend Cassandra? I never thought I’d see Marjorie bounce back and recover, but Ethan pulled her through and fell in love with her. They actually got married yesterday. You’d like him; he’s turned out to be a good fit for the family.”

  I sat down on the ground, running my hand through the grass, feeling my heart shatter like it did the night I was told she’d been in a wreck and was declared brain dead. “When I arrived at the hospital, I was wondering how I could ever move on. I couldn’t imagine a world without you, my sweet Gabi, and our precious baby who we’d wanted more than anything. However, I didn’t have much time to wallow. I quickly had to make a decision; our daughter still had a chance to live.”

  I hated going to her bedside, day in and day out, talking only to my daughter in hopes that she’d soon be strong enough to leave her mother’s womb so her mother could move on. I prayed that the doctors were wrong and that my wife would wake up.

  “Why after two years does it hurt so badly to try and let you go? I know I avoided grieving for you so I could focus all of my attention on Nicola. I poured every moment of my time into her and into work. When I did have a free moment, I was exercising, pushing myself to work harder at everything.”

  I looked around to make sure no one was around to hear me, when I screamed out as loud as I could, trying to release my anger, my tension, my sorrow, out into the universe. “WHY?”

  My fist came down hard onto the ground. I knew what the therapists said, what Kent, Master Marshall, and even my whole family has said. “Gabi, this will be my last visit to the cemetery for a while. I want to be so close to you, to wrap my arms around your memory and not let go, but it’s becoming an unhealthy addiction to hold on to you so tight.”

  My heart felt like someone had reached into my chest and was pulling it out, piece by piece. “I’m stuck, Gabi. I’m at a point that I can’t move forward in my life. I can’t be everything to our daughter if I’m trying to hold on to the past. I don’t want to walk away, but I need to. You need to be free to roam wherever you need to go, while I need to find time to grieve you properly and finally heal.”

  I reached over toward her headstone, kissing my hand before laying it on her picture. “You’ll always be my first love, forever sealed within a portion of my heart. I know I’ll never forget you and I’ll never let our daughter forget you either.”

  I looked up into the daylight, seeing a single bird flying overhead, her favorite, a bald eagle, which was rare around these parts. Could this be her sign to me that I needed to let her go so she could soar amongst the clouds?

  I stood up from her grave, looking toward the sky once more, trying to find the eagle but it had vanished. That’s when I smelled an intoxicating scent of black raspberry mixed with something I couldn’t make out. The scent was different from what Gabi used to wear, which was a mix of sandalwood, vanilla, musk and white peony. I thought about the name of her favorite fragrance and laughed at the irony. Only she would love a scent called Heavenly. Wherever this scent was coming from, it was alluring and familiar. Where have I smelled it before?

  I turned away from her grave and headed to my car, stopping only when I heard, “Jackson? Is that you?”

  I turned the direction the voice was coming from and had to squint my eyes to make out the figure headed my way. The sun was directly behind her, causing her to be surrounded in an ethereal glow. The closer she got the more I thought it was Robin from my department. She was the intern who was shoved into the position my wife had held.

  Robin had been a real fighter. I’d expected her to sink or walk out on the position, but she pulled through helping me reshape the department and even grow it. Now with Dawn bouncing between my department and Rafe’s, we were able to take on the prospects of marketing Alexander’s new business ventures.

  “What are you doing here, Robin?” I took in her relaxed state of dress, a pair of slim jeans, a white button-down oxford with the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of ankle boots.

  I laughed a bit, causing her to look at me funny. I made a motion toward her outfit, running my finger through the air before motioning to myself. “I guess if I had a pair of ankle boots, we’d almost be twins.”

  Normally, this would get a laugh out of her, but today the smile typically evident on her face was gone. She was usually quite a sight running around our department barefoot and her straight raven locks twisted up in a loose bun with a pencil or two sticking through it to hold it in place. The woman sometimes looked like a bomb exploded in her closet, but she had business sense that would knock the socks off of most men.

  I watched as her face came into view. The tears had her mascara streaked to the point she could pass for a raccoon’s twin. I reached into my back pocket, pulling a few tissues out, “When you have a two-year-old toddler, you always have tissues around.”

  I stretched out my hand, “Here. You might want to wipe under your eyes.”

  She quickly turned around, her face red with embarrassment. I watched as she pulled out a small compact mirror and tried to quickly fix the mess. I was shocked and almost horrified as I felt my eyes begin to travel over the length of her back, honing in on the delectable shape of her ass.

  My mind drifted back to yesterday…I was shocked when Alexander invited me over to his house, even more so when I found out why. He’d asked me to follow him into his study where he sat me down and, in a nutshell, told me I needed to forgive Ethan. That was something I already was prepared to do, but what I didn’t expect was, “You’ll always be a part of our family, no matter what. Even before you and Gabi got together, I always looked at you as another son. But it’s time to let go, Jax. Gabi wouldn’t want you to sit around and wallow in self-pity. She’d want to you to remember her, but she’d want you to move on with your life, find love again, and live it to the fullest.”

  I felt a hand on my shoulder. My mind rushed back to the person standing in front of me. “Are you okay, Jackson?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Just deep in thought. So why are you here?”

  She pointed back toward the direction she’d come. “I was just visiting my dad’s grave.”

  I was shocked to hear that someone close to her had passed. “When?”

  “A few months back.” Her lips started to quiver as the tears formed at the corner of her eyes.

  I held out my arms to her, feeling strong for once. “Come here.” I felt her wrap her arms around me as she leaned her head against my shoulder. I don’t know what possessed me, but I found my head leaning against the top of hers, taking in her intoxicating aroma. The feel of her body pressed against mine was so…

  I jumped, releasing her from my arms. What the hell was I doing?

  “I’m sorry Mr. Lombardi. I should remember to have my emotions in check. I try not to cry at work. I just have a problem outside of it.”

  I raised my hand to stop her apology. “It’s my fault, Robin.” I grabbed her hands and gave them a squeeze, causing her to look up at my face. “My apologies. I had no idea you’d lost your father. Do you have any other family around? Anyone that you can lean on?”

  She shook her head. “I have a mother, but she aba
ndoned us when I was a teenager, walking out one day and never coming back. My brother is in the army but can’t get leave.” Her shoulders shrugged. “I mainly have work, sir. That’s what keeps me sane right now. And you?”

  I got lost in thought with her explanation. “What about me?”

  She had a half laugh. “What are you doing here?” She handed me a couple of the tissues that still remained clean. “You look like you could use the rest of these. Your face is probably as tear stained as mine.”

  I pointed over toward Gabi’s headstone. “My wife is buried over there. I’m not sure if you ever had the chance to meet her during your internship.”

  She nodded and smiled, placing a hand on my arm and giving it a squeeze. “Your wife was the reason I stayed in school. I’d had a little trouble making the last portion of my final semester payment, when I found it on my desk one morning. I’d asked her if it was her, but she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about; however, she was the only one I’d told that secret to.”

  “I had no idea. I’m glad she helped you out. If I’d known, I would’ve done the same.” I admitted, knowing what I said was true.

  Just then the wind picked up blowing Robin’s hair into my face and causing us both to shake with the chill in the air.

  “I should probably get going. I guess I’ll catch you at work tomorrow.” I watched as Robin turned and started to walk away. I didn’t see a car anywhere in sight. No wonder I didn’t realize she was here.

  I called out to her, walking her direction. “Wait. Where’s your ride?”

  “I took the bus.”

  Okay, now I was puzzled. The bus route didn’t run this direction or anywhere close to it. Feeling a bit protective, knowing that my late wife had watched over her, I felt I needed to do the same. “I don’t like the idea of you walking miles to catch the bus, not on a Sunday and not with a chill seeping into the air. Why don’t we go get a coffee? Sounds like both of us are grieving and could be some friendly conversation to one another. Afterwards, I promise to take you safely home.”

  She stared at me for a moment, when another chill crept through the air causing her to give in. “I guess there wouldn’t be any harm in that. Where’s your daughter?”

  I pointed toward my car as we began walking. “Nicola’s with my mother. It was a bit emotional to go to my cousin’s wedding yesterday. She knew I needed some time to myself.”

  When we reached the car, I opened the door for her, letting her scoot down onto the leather seat. I hadn’t realized just how long Robin’s legs were or how crystal-blue her eyes were.

  I quickly closed the door and rushed around to the driver’s side, got in, and started the car. “Have you ever been to Frappes? I hear they have the best donuts and mochas in town.”

  I looked over to see the smile spread across her face. “Marissa often goes there and brings me back an extra macchiato and a Boston cream stuffed donut.”

  Everyone around me seemed to take care of this girl. Actually, the word girl was too simple for this woman. She definitely had the shape, feel, and smell of a woman. I had to crack the window a bit because her scent was sending signals to my body that my brain wasn’t ready to comprehend or acknowledge.

  I felt guilty going out for coffee, but I wasn’t cheating on my wife. I wasn’t trying to have anything more than a friendly conversation with someone who might understand what I’m going through and feeling on the inside.

  That’s what my mind was telling me. My heart, on the other hand, was fighting a battle with wanting to hold on to the past and with the need to let go and move forward.

  Friendship couldn’t hurt right? Or could it? It’s not like I needed her forever, or did I?

  A Note from the Author

  This book touches on several issues that should not be taken lightly. Millions of people suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, more commonly known as PTSD. Many associate this malady as being a part of the military, but any major trauma can cause this. Here are some links for information about PTSD:

  http://www.ptsd.va.gov/

  PTSD Information Voice Mail:

  (802) 296-6300

  There are other topics one of the characters has to overcome with issues of survivor’s guilt and dealing with suicidal thoughts. Survivor’s guilt is very real and often held in coordination with PTSD. I know from experience, having watched my own cousin deal with feelings of guilt, wondering why he lived, while the rest in their car all died in the crash. Here are links for anyone needing more information:

  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number

  1-800-273-8255

  Coping with Survivor Guilt and Grief

  http://www.realwarriors.net/active/treatment/survivorguilt.php

  I’m known for writing characters that are flawed, often having suffered from some form of abuse. Any abuse by a man or woman, whether emotional, mental, or physical is wrong!

  The National Domestic Abuse Hotline

  1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  I would like to thank, first and foremost, all my followers, fans, bloggers, and friends. Without all of you, my books would not be possible. Keep spreading the word. Hugs to all!

  To my family, you are my world!

  To Christian Petrovich, for being the perfect image of Ethan. When I saw Eric’s picture, I knew Ethan’s story had to be written with you as the character. Your facial expression is ideal, inspiring the character. I look forward to working with you on this book and more in the future. Thank you for being patient while your story came to fruition.

  To Eric David Battershell. Our paths crossed when I was looking for inspiring book covers and now look what you’ve inspired with your images. The whole Need Series is because of your talented photos. Your inspirational words of wisdom, guidance, and belief in me as an author are appreciated more than you know. But more important is the value of your friendship. I look forward to working on many book projects together in the coming future.

  To my formatter Stacey Blake. You rock! I love your work!

  To my Mia Mincheff, my good friend, editor, and fellow book enthusiast, your words of wisdom, your belief in my dreams, your encouragement, and your friendship mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I’m thankful that our paths crossed. You help make me a better writer and for that I’m forever in your debt. Hugs!

  To Becky Sheehan, my beta reader, friend, and fellow lover of books, your insights and questions, are what I need to help make me a better author. I’m glad our paths crossed. Hugs to you!

  To Stacy Nickelson. You’ve been such a treasured friend, beta reader, and confidant in this crazy author world I value your input and thank you for always giving me that extra little push forward. Thank you! I cherish your input. Love ya, hon!

  To Lisa Markson, a remarkable blogger, beta reader, and friend – your encouragement of my writing, your willingness to give into the steamier side of romance, and your thoughts are all invaluable to me. I’m so thankful for your friendship! Hugs hon!

  To Sue Ann Brooks, one of my ARC readers turned beta, you are amazing! I’m thankful our paths crossed.

  To Randy Potvin, my cover artist. You are a miracle worker, brining the covers of my books to life. I love how you can take my vision and go beyond what I ever imagined possible. Thanks to you and Katie for providing input on the blurb.

  To De’Vannon Hubert, who collaborated on a few issues I had questions. I’m glad our paths crossed and look forward to picking your mind again in the future.

  Above all, thanks to God, for giving the ability to write.

  I grew up in a small town in South Florida and moved to Central Florida to attend college. I married my friend, love, and soul mate and still reside in the area with our amazing son, and a feisty, four-legged little doggie boy.

  In my books, I draw on my background in healthcare, business, and science, along with my husband’s engineering and wireless technology knowledge.

  I currently write on all levels of Romanc
e. A Learning Series and the Need Series is for those who like a little more steam with their books, falling into the categories of Contemporary and Erotica, with a hint of Suspense. The Remembrance Series encompasses Young Adult, with a touch of Paranormal and Historical romance, with a touch of Fantasy.

  I try to make my writing very personal and close to her heart. Regular life is the inspiration for my books, but I'm only limited by imagination taking ideas to new heights, opening up possibilities that would normally not exist.

  When I’m not writing, I’m busy with my family, taking in the amusement parks in the area or just kicking back and relaxing. On a more personal note...I love to cook and create in the kitchen and on the bbq grill. I sometimes lose myself in a song at the piano. I often sing with my son while we are driving or making dinner together. I enjoy crafts (flower arranging, making wreaths, painting pottery, needle point and drawing in pencil and charcoals). My music tastes are eclectic at best, ranging from classical piano to pop dance and even some hard rock/heavy metal. It all depends on the song, group, and if it has a good beat or is a soulful ballad.

  To learn more about me, feel free to check me out at:

  www.cynthiaponeill.com