Our Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  I give him a small smile. “I may have noticed that.”

  He watches me for a few seconds, then says, “Tell me about the baby.”

  After a few seconds of searching for the words, I do. I tell him how Jack left, about the pregnancy, and the miscarriage. When I begin talking about the delivery, Adrian moves to sit next to me, but still doesn’t touch me.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says when my story’s done.

  I shrug. “I’m okay now. Telling Jack helped. I’m not sure why, but I’m glad it did.”

  Adrian leans his head back against the wall, looking at the ceiling. “I should’ve trusted you.”

  “Yep,” I agree.

  “Can we pretend the last few days never happened?”

  “Nope,” I tell him though he already knew.

  Tilting his head, to look at me, his forehead creases in concern. “How do we fix it?”

  Chapter 55

  I Swear On My Own Testicles

  After a few minutes of replaying this entire relationship, I tell him, “I don’t want to feel the way I did last night when I saw you with her, or the way I do when we fight.”

  Adrian sighs. “It’s called passion. You’re allowed to feel passionate about something, or someone.”

  I lay my cheek on top of my knees, looking at him. “It’s intense, and I think we can both agree that a little time apart would be a good thing?”

  Adrian shakes his head. “No… Nope, I certainly cannot agree with that. Look at the stupid shit I do when I’m not with you.”

  And there’s problem number four-hundred and one with this clusterfuck of a relationship.

  “That’s part of the reason why. You’re twenty-one years old, Adrian. You shouldn’t need a babysitter, and your girlfriend shouldn’t have to worry that if you get into a fight you’ll go making out with another girl. You have to be able to make the right choices on your own.”

  He purses his lips, thinking. “You broke up with me, so technically you were not my girlfriend.” He’s teasing, but it still stings.

  “You’re right,” I agree, “but can you honestly tell me that if we do get back together, you would never get drunk and do anything stupid like that?”

  Eyes wide, he nods. “Yes, I can swear on my own testicles that I won’t touch another girl, ever again.”

  I roll my eyes, then try again. “We need some time apart—” He tries to cut me off, but I go on, knowing we need this. “Let's take some time to do our own thing and recover from this. Then if we both want to, we can try it the way normal people do. After all, we didn’t start this off in any way that even closely resembles a normal relationship.”

  Adrian’s eyes are wide, and he looks panicked. "I don't need any longer to know that you’re my game changer, and if you walk away from this now, I will lose my mind. And I’m not talking about I'll be upset and grumpy and get drunk for a few days, I'm talking about not knowing what I'm going to do with the rest of my life because my future just walked away from me. I'm talking about needing to relocate because there's no way that I could see you all the time and not throw you in the back of my car, take you to a cabin in the woods somewhere, and lock you in the basement so you never had the chance to leave me again."

  That’s kinda sweet… in a psychotic kinda way.

  I press on, not allowing his psycho sweet talk to deter me. “You have to grow up. Stop with the public shows that are going to get you in trouble. And no more crazy jealous crap. If you want to send me running fast and far, then keep it up.”

  He’s pulling his hair with both hands, his tell of how stressed he is right now. After a minute of thought, and searching my face for any sign I’m not serious, he tells me, “Then you have to stop flirting with other guys. I won’t flirt with, kiss, or have sex with any other girls while we’re on this stupid break.”

  I give him a small smile. “I’m not asking that of you because there’s no guarantee we will get back together.”

  “Oh, we’re getting back together, so I would appreciate it if you would extend the same respect. If not, I can’t be held responsible for what I do to any asshole who touches you.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Can you please just promise? That will make it much easier for me to focus on growing up.” He begs again. “Keegan, please promise me this?"

  The tortured expression on his face leaves me no choice, though I have zero intentions of sucking face with any guy. Especially after knowing what Adrian's mouth does to me. I don't think I could kiss another guy anytime soon, without waiting for my brain to flat line, and when it didn't, the kiss would be over.

  "I promise," I say and his body relaxes instantly. He closes his eyes and nods once.

  "Okay, I'll try this your way. I'll work on growing up and not being so impulsive."

  “And you’ll work on the jealousy. You can't go throwing tables and threatening people,” I remind him.

  “Well, I can, but I probably shouldn’t.”

  ***

  Adrian

  My phone rings, causing my entire body to rigid, fear coiling my muscles tight.

  It’s been four days since my explosion in the library. Four days, and no call from my dad.

  What the fuck was I thinking? I could’ve cost my brothers years living in hell with our dad. Then that fucking text to Katie? Christ, I’m a college-educated idiot.

  My phone rings again, coiling my muscles tighter. Knowing I can’t put it off, I pick up the phone, and I’m relieved to see it’s Kylar. Is it possible my dad’s campus spy didn’t hear about the stunt?

  “Hey, bud, what’s up?” I ask, relaxing a little.

  “Aunt Diane’s got a headache again,” Kylar says, not one for small talk.

  Shit, Diane said her doctor gave her new meds. She’s been getting migraines for the past six months, and they seem to be getting worse. Her doctor recently gave her a new med to try, and I’d hoped this one would work.

  “You told me to call,” Kylar reminds me, “If she got another one.”

  I smile. “I did, and thank you. I’ll talk to her again this weekend.” I decide I’m going to need to spend the weekend at home helping with the boys and getting Diane better.

  “You ready for the game Friday?” I ask, changing the subject. I want Kylar to keep me updated on Diane, but I don’t want him to worry.

  Kylar talks about a new play his team has been working on, then the other two boys take their turns catching me up on their week.

  I smile and laugh, at all their stories, grateful for my relationship with all of them. These boys mean everything to me, and if our dad tries to take them back, I’ll go on every TV news station to tell my story. I may not have any proof to fight him in court, but you don’t need proof for TV when you’ve got a heart-breaking story of a congressman who beats his children.

  Chapter 56

  Ryder Again

  The next few days are pretty awkward as we explain to our friends about our pretend-but-not-really relationship and as we try to figure out how to act around each other. Adrian is struggling the most with his physical proximity to me. Every time he walks into our apartment, and I'm sitting in the living room or the kitchen, he looks around trying to determine where to sit. I'm no help because I don't know where he should set either.

  On Monday, Ryder comes over to pick up Shyanne for some horse auction. Adrian and Kade are in our kitchen, Shy’s in the shower, and I’m reading a book on the couch. This is the first I’ve seen Ryder since his kinda confession. He can’t see the guys in the kitchen, so when he sits next to me, extremely close to me, I try to warn him with my eyes.

  He doesn’t speak the language of girl expressions. I know this because of what he says next.

  “Heard pretty boy fucked up.”

  I blink a couple times, waiting for my brain to come up with some genius way out of this awkwardness. Instead, I say, “Um…” and blink some more.

  Ryder’s mouth curls up one side. “Know it’s too soon
, but want you to know I’m making my play when I see you’re ready.”

  A couple more blinks, and another “Um…”

  I shoot a nervous look at the kitchen when I hear a low noise, almost a growl. The sound of a chair scooting across the floor echoes through the now very quiet apartment. Ryder closes his eyes, seeing his mistake.

  Adrian slowly enters the living room, chest heaving, looking at me, then narrowing his eyes on Ryder. “What’s her favorite day of the month?” he asks, confusing us both.

  What is he doing?

  Ryder stands, leaving his arms hang at his side. “Listen, I’m sorry—”

  “Just answer the question,” Adrian snaps, not interested in an apology.

  Ryder glances down at me with a questioning look. I shrug, having no clue what Adrian’s getting at.

  “The tenth,” Adrian says, answering his own question. “The tenth of every month because that’s when Tactical Supplies Unlimited sends out their new-items email.”

  This is true. TSU is my absolute favorite supply store. I get most of my shit from survival supply stores, but nothing gets my blood pumping like big guns and night vision goggles.

  Adrian goes on with his bizarre line of questions. “Have you ever noticed the adorable little crease that forms above her top lip when she smiles?”

  I groan, wiping any hint of a smile from my face. I hate that crease. My mom calls it my double smile, but I call it future Botox.

  Before Ryder can answer, Adrian asks, “Is she more afraid of ketchup or mustard?”

  Ryder’s face contorts. “The fuck you talkin’ about?”

  Adrian answers himself again. “Both, she’s equally terrified of all condiments.”

  Okay, now I’m thinking his game is to scare Ryder off. I push to my feet, planning to clarify. “I’m not “afraid,” I say, using air quotes, “of condiments… just utterly repulsed by them.”

  Ryder gives me an amused smile, and Adrian arches a brow, tipping the corner of his mouth too. Oh for shit sake. I don’t need either of them looking at me like that. I point a finger at Adrian.

  “That’s enough.”

  Adrian holds up his hands as he takes a step closer to the door. “Just wanna be clear that I’m not making a play.” He looks from Ryder, back to me, and his expression is no longer amused. “I’m all in.”

  He drops his hands and walks out the door, leaving me feeling like a piece of shit. My instinct is to go after him and either defend myself or tell him how proud I am that he didn’t blow up and start jumping around like an ape, smearing feces on the walls. Instead, I let him go, knowing he needs to trust me for this to work.

  “Fuck,” Ryder says, “I didn’t know—”

  I cut him off, shaking my head. “It’s okay. We did kinda break up, but I wouldn’t say we’ve gone our last round yet.”

  He graces me with another of his half smiles and cocks his head to the side. “Not our time, I guess.”

  I lift one shoulder. “Guess not,” I say because I have no fucking clue what else to say.

  ***

  As, I should have predicted, Adrian was MIA for the rest the day and evening. I finally text him and asked where he went.

  Me: where are you?

  Adrian: at my aunt's

  Me: staying all night?

  Adrian: yes. think I'm going to commute for a few days

  Me: why

  Adrian: need to focus on growing up

  I smile at my phone. He may actually be making progress.

  Me: okay, be safe

  Adrian: you too

  The next day I decide to try to make a some progress of my own. I call to make an appointment at the campus counseling center. I've also decided to stop volunteering in the NICU. I may volunteer on another floor once I get my head straight.

  My first counseling session was two days later. The therapist seemed nice enough, but I don't think she was too impressed with me. I'd eaten something for lunch that day, that wasn't sitting well, so I curled into a ball, on her couch, while we talked. There were two chairs in front of her desk, and the couch set behind the chairs. It’s likely there for ambiance because every shrink’s office should have one, but my stomach hurt like a bitch. Did she expect me to sit in a chair, feeling miserable, when there was a better option right behind me?

  Anyway, I go back next week and, between now and then, I'm supposed to journal when I think about my dad, brother, Jack or the baby. Gemma's idea, of going to the barn with Shyanne, is sounding more appealing. I would much rather play with horses then write down all my feelings so Dr. Freud can analyze them.

  Chapter 57

  You Told Them What

  Adrian returns to the apartment the following Wednesday. It's been more than a week since I've seen him, and we've only texted a couple of times, just to see how the other was doing.

  Max, Kade, and I are in my living room, watching Southpark, waiting for my roommates to get home from work so we can go to dinner, when Adrian busts through the door looking extremely pissed.

  Standing in the door, arms crossed, staring at me, he asks, “Can you please tell me what you told my co-workers about my sexual abilities?”

  It takes me a minute to figure out what he’s talking about, then I remember the carnival and my conversation with the cougar. I bite my lip, not really trying to hide my smile.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He narrows his eyes. “Bullshit, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Ever since that carnival I’ve felt like Julie, and a couple of the other teachers, have been looking at me with disgust. Then today, Brad, one of other teachers, asks me if you and I are still together. I don’t want his creepy ass sniffing around you, so I told him yes. He looked totally surprised and when I asked why, he tells me that you told Julie something about me being shitty in bed and you were planning to break up with me.”

  Max barks out a laugh and Kade looks at me, wide-eyed, somehow shocked that I would do such a thing.

  I attempt a look of innocence. “Listen, I did what I had to. Those cougars were watching you like you were the last antelope on the conservation, no matter I was standing right next to you. I decided to take drastic measures.” I shift my attention back to the TV, trying to downplay the whole event. “It was no big deal. I only said it to one person. It’s not my fault she told all her cougar friends.”

  His angry expression softens.

  "You were jealous?"

  "What?" His sudden mood shift confuses me.

  "You were jealous,” he says again. “You did it because you were jealous, not because you were trying to humiliate me."

  I'm tempted to deny it. Three weeks ago, when I had the conversation with the cougar, I was denying it to myself. If I'm expecting him to stop playing games and grow up, I need to do the same.

  I sigh, sounding exasperated. "Yes, I was jealous. Does that make you happy?"

  The smile that engulfs his face answers my question, but he still replies, "Absofuckinglutely."

  He dives onto the couch next to me and the grin remains plastered on his face. I can't understand how I have so much power over another person's happiness. The things I do and say have a direct impact on his emotions. What's more bizarre is that I want to do things to make him happy. This is a new feeling for me because I generally enjoy irritating people.

  When Shyanne gets home from the barn, she goes straight to Kade and curls up in his lap. I’ve watched them fall completely head over heels for each other, that they rarely know what's going on with the rest of us. I'm happy for Shy. I may not know details, but I know that Shy has not had an easy life. She deserves this now.

  When Gemma gets home from work, we all decide to go to the cafeteria for dinner. Well, everyone except for Shyanne and Kade, they opt for dinner alone… again.

  Because it's such a nice evening, the four of us decide to walk across campus. Gemma and Max are goofing off and beg him for a piggyback ride. Adrian tells me to climb on his ba
ck, then he challenges Max to a race. We’re all laughing hysterically by the time we make it to the student center. As fun as that was for me, I love seeing Adrian laugh again.

  We’re passing the mailboxes when I see my new archenemy, Katie, walking toward us. She’s with a couple of her friends, and she doesn't miss the opportunity to piss me off.

  Chapter 58

  Just To Be Clear

  With a malicious smile, but saccharin sweet voice, Katie coos, "Hey Adrian."

  These are the moments when I wish I had a superpower. Something that could turn bitchy girls into sea lions would be nice.

  When I look at Adrian, not sure what reaction I want him to give, he lifts his chin in a gesture of hello. I also see his twitching jaw muscle. I keep walking, but it takes a lot of willpower to say nothing. I don't know what I want to say, but the pain in my chest is aching for a release.

  We take a couple more steps before Adrian grabs my hand, pulling me, then spins me until my back is against the wall. He places his hands on the wall, on either side of my shoulders, caging me in. He leans in until he's an inch from my face.

  "Just to be clear," he says between heavy breaths, "I desperately want to hold your hand, kiss you, and scream at the top of my lungs that I love you. I want her, and every other person on this campus, to know that you’re the only person I want. The only thing that's stopping me is the fear that I'll piss you off again, and the way you feel is more important than what all these assholes think."

  Well then, that was a very unexpected, amazing, response. I bite the inside of my bottom lip, but I'm sure it doesn't hide my pleased smile. We watch each other for a few seconds before I respond.

  "You don't need to do that. I know how you feel. I don't need some dramatic proclamation."

  He lifts one side of his mouth in a half-smile then rubs my cheek with the back of his fingers. His gaze is locked on my mouth, apparently still considering kissing me.