The Complete Cooper Collection (All 97 Stories)

by Bernico, Bill

  “Let’s just say that Freddy and Marvin are in a lot worse condition than you are,” Gloria said.

  “Who are Freddy and Marvin?” Elliott said and then realized who Gloria was talking about. “Oh, was that their names, those two guys in the office?”

  Gloria nodded. “Neither of them will be any good as a thug after today,” she said, and explained in detail her encounters with the two mechanics.

  “God, I wish I could have been there to see that,” Elliott said. “You really jumped on their knees?”

  “Snap,” Gloria said. “Just like a pretzel. Made me flinch just to hear it—twice.”

  “What’s Dad going to say when he finds out?” Elliott said.

  “He may complain after I tell him,” Gloria said, “but he’ll get over it when he realizes that I did it for him. You know he’s ready to come back and take his place with the company again, don’t you?”

  Elliott nodded. “I guess so,” he said, lowering his head. “I suppose you know what that means?”

  Gloria let out a deep breath. “I know,” she said. “I knew this day would come sooner or later. I just didn’t know that the time would pass so quickly.”

  “Well listen,” Elliott said. “We can talk about it once I get back to work. You’ll still work with Dad for another week or so, won’t you, until I can come back?”

  “Of course I will,” Gloria said. “You just hurry up and get better and come on back as soon as you’re able. We’ll try to scrape by until then.”

  Gloria leaned over and kissed Elliot on the mouth. He pulled back and put his hand over his mouth. “Ouch,” he said, feeling the fat lip with the two stitches in it.

  “I’d better get going,” Gloria said. “Take care of yourself and I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

  “Thanks, Gloria,” Elliott said. “Thanks for stopping by and thanks for keeping Dad healthy.”

  Gloria threw him a kiss from the door and left the room. She drove back over to the office and found me waiting for her. She sat down behind her desk and started thumbing through some papers on it.

  “You ready?” I said. “We’d better get moving.”

  “Yeah,” Gloria said. “About that…” She gestured for me to come and sit in her client’s chair and she laid it all out for me, from the time she first saw Freddy in the garage until she dumped Marvin’s unconscious body in the storeroom and drove away.

  I listened intently without interrupting her. When she’d finished, I bit my lower lip and said, “Sounds like you’ve had a busy afternoon. You sure you don’t need to take some time off and recoup after a workout like that?”

  “I’ve already soaked in the bathtub and still had time to visit Elliott,” she said. “No, I’m fine, thank you.” She waited for me to complain about her stepping in and fighting my fight. She was surprised when I said nothing about it. She knew that I realized that tangling with those two henchmen could have been fatal for me, even if I’d managed to get the best of both of them. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but it had occurred to me even before we’d dropped Leo Griffith off in Santa Clarita. I just gave Gloria a knowing smile and a warm hug instead.

  Eight days later Elliott was released from the hospital. He’d still have to take it a bit easier until his ribs fully mended, but day to day activities wouldn’t do him any harm. He came into the office on the following Tuesday morning and found Gloria and me both standing just inside the doorway. We both stood there, our left arms raised and bent at the elbows. We pretended to be looking at the wristwatches that neither of us was wearing. We both tapped out wrists, held them to our ears, tapped them again and looked at Elliott. He glanced up at the wall clock and noticed that he wasn’t late at all. In fact, he was six minutes early.

  He shook his head. “Nice try,” he said, and then dropped his briefcase and held his arms out. Gloria and I stepped into the semi-circle and Elliott locked his arms around both of us.

  When he released us, I took a seat on the leather sofa against the wall. I gestured for Gloria and Elliott to sit next to me. “Come on,” I said. “Have a seat. There’s something we need to talk about.”

  Gloria shot me a look, knowing that once again she’d have to step down, now that both Coopers were back at work.

  “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately,” I said. “As you are both aware, our company is a small one and we all know that it can comfortably support two employees. Three employees could drain our resources and we wouldn’t want to have to close our doors for lack of resources.”

  Gloria rose from the sofa. “That all right, Clay,” she said. “You don’t have to explain. I knew coming into this that one day you’d be returning and that I’d have to leave again. I just want to thank you both for…”

  I raised my hand to stop her parting speech. “Please, Gloria,” I said. “Sit down and wait until I’ve finished before you say anything more.”

  Gloria sat again, somewhat taken aback by my tone.

  “Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,” I said. “Cooper Investigations can support two employees comfortably so I’d like to take this time to let you both know that I am officially retiring effective the first of next month.” I turned to face Gloria. “I’d like you to stay on, if you would, Gloria. I can’t speak for the new owner, but I’m sure he’d like to have you stay as well.” I turned to Elliott.

  “Um, yeah,” Elliott said. “Just give me a minute to digest this new information.” He let out a deep breath, turned to Gloria and said, “Well, what do you think, Miss Campbell? Would you like to stay on here at Cooper Investigations?”

  Gloria was suddenly at a loss for words.

  I turned to her. “Feel free to interrupt any time now,” I said.

  She turned away and wiped a single tear from her cheek before turning back toward me. Her face broke into a broad smile and she reached over and threw her arms around my neck and held on tight. She kissed my cheek and then flopped back into the sofa.

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” Elliott said to me.

  “I’m sure,” I said. “I’d like to live long enough to dance at my son’s wedding some day.” I turned to Gloria. “I’d like to be able to dance at your wedding, too. I wouldn’t have to rent a tux twice if both weddings happened to be on the same day, now would I?”

  Gloria and I both broke out into spontaneous laughter. She kept laughing but I stopped and held my hand over my ribs. I held the other hand up. “Stop, Dad,” I said. “You’re killing me.”

  We all sobered up when the phone on my desk rang. I held one hand up for silence before lifting the receiver to my ear. Cooper Investigations,” I said.

  “Clay,” the caller said. “It’s Dean. Just thought I’d let you know that I conducted a sweep of this entire precinct and I think I can safely say that no one here is in anyone’s pocket.”

  “Did you check yourself out, too?” I said.

  “Still got that warped sense of humor, don’t you, Cooper?” Dean said before hanging up.

  “It’s like I suspected,” I said. “Those two idiots who told Leo Griffith not to go to the police because they had someone on the inside? It was all a bluff to keep him quiet. That was Dean. They’re clean down at the twelfth.”

  “That’s certainly good news,” Elliott said.

  “And speaking of the twelfth,” I said. “I think I’ll head back over there and drop in on Dean. Can you two handle things here by yourself?”

  Elliott shoed me away like he would a fly. “Go, Dad,” he said. “I’m sure we can handle things for a while. Give Dean our best.”

  Clay was no sooner out of the office when Elliott stepped up to Gloria and wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. “How’d you like to make a few points with your new boss?” Elliott said, and kissed Gloria long and hard.

  69 - The Glowing Corpse

  “Looks like it’s you and me, kid,” I said to Gloria as Dad left the office for the last time as a working part
ner.

  “I guess it is,” Gloria said. “How does it feel to be the big cheese around here now?”

  “It feels damned good,” I said. “So, does that make you the mouse?”

  “Squeak squeak,” Gloria said, and slid into my lap. We’d been keeping exclusive company for several months now and it was beginning to get serious. We both put extra effort into making sure that our personal relationship didn’t interfere with our working relationship. So far, there were no problems and we intended to keep it that way.

  My dad was Clay Cooper, a second-generation private eye in the firm that his dad, Matt Cooper had started back in the forties. I guess that made me a third-generation private eye. Dad’s last day with the company was yesterday and now I was the sole owner of Cooper Investigations. That’s not to say that I was the sole employee. Dad had had a heart attack two years ago and at that time I’d hired a temporary P.I. to fill in until he had fully recuperated. The person I’d hired was a former investigator, was a superior marksman, a master of disguise and makeup, skilled in Tae-Kwon-Do and had the cutest figure since Rita Hayworth. Her name was Gloria Campbell and now the two of us were running the business.

  Dad had his second heart attack just six months ago and this time when he came back to work, he must have realized that it was indeed his time to hang up his spurs because that’s just what he did yesterday. I’d still be seeing him regularly at home and I made it perfectly clear that he was welcomed to stop by the office whenever he liked.

  “Did Clay mention what he planned to do with all his free time now?” Gloria said, tousling the longer hairs on the back of my neck.

  “He said something about taking up writing,” I said. “It’s funny, you know. Here I was the one who wanted to be a writer and then I got into this. I put my writing on hold with the intention of getting back into it later. Well, that was ten years ago and it’s become apparent that I probably won’t get back into it.”

  “That’s sounds perfect for Clay,” Gloria said. “He’s got so many stories from his years as a P.I. that he won’t run out of material for a long time. I hope he lets me read some of his work one of these days.”

  “Maybe that’s where I got it from,” I said. “Dad used to write when he was younger and then he joined grandpa Matt in this business. Maybe there’s still hope for me yet, somewhere down the line.”

  The phone on my desk rang, startling me out of my daydream. I gestured for Gloria to get up off my lap before I grabbed the phone. She stood up and sat across from me in my client’s chair.

  “Cooper Investigations,” I said. “This is Elliott.”

  “Elliott,” the caller said. “It’s Dean down at the twelfth. Did I catch you in the middle of anything important?”

  My lap was still warm from Gloria having sat on it, but I kept that information to myself. “Nothing that I can’t get back to later,” I said. “What’s up?”

  “Are you available to take some work?” Dean said.

  “Depends,” I said. “As long as it doesn’t involve sweeping out your office and dusting the furniture.”

  “Cute,” Dean said, “But no, I was thinking more along the lines of a real investigation job. Are you interested?”

  “Can you lay it out for me?” I said.

  “Normally I would,” Dean said. “But this is one of those times were a picture is worth a thousand words. Can you come down here sometime this morning?”

  I checked my watch, flipped through my appointment book and said, “Twenty minutes okay?”

  “That long?” Dean said, and chuckled before he hung up the phone.

  “What do you know?” I said. “Our first case under the new management. Grab your jacket.”

  “What is it?” Gloria said.

  “It’s that blue thing with the sleeves and the pockets hanging on the coat rack over there,” I said.

  Gloria gave me a look that told me she wasn’t in the mood for sarcasm.

  “I don’t know yet,” I said. “Dean wouldn’t say. I guess it’s something that he’d rather show us.”

  I helped Gloria on with her jacket and walked her out to my car in the parking lot. The twelfth precinct was a fifteen-minute ride and we made it with minimal conversation. I left the car behind the precinct and walked with Gloria down the hall to Dean’s office. I rapped twice on the doorframe and let myself in. Dean was sitting behind his desk, looking through a file folder. He looked up when we came in.

  “So what is this thing that you have to show me?” I said. “And why couldn’t you just tell me about it on the phone?”

  “Hello to you, too,” Dean said and then turned to Gloria. “Don’t you teach this guy any manners?”

  Gloria elbowed me in the ribs.

  “Hello, Dean,” I said in an exaggerated, drawn out way. “How are you today and how’s the missus? Lovely weather we’re having today, don’t you think? Who do you like in the Super Bowl?”

  “Gees,” Dean said. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

  “All right,” I said, “enough small talk. What do you have for us?

  Dean got up from his chair and came around to my side of his desk. “Follow me,” he said, leading us out of his office and down another hall.

  I had an idea about where we were going, since I’d been there many times in the past. My hunch was correct when Dean led us into Andy Reynolds’ office. Andy was the county medical examiner who worked in the morgue, which was housed in the same building as the police department.

  “Now will you tell me what this is all about?” I said.

  “Not yet,” Dean said. “Come on, follow me.”

  We walked into the autopsy room and found Andy standing over a body of an old man, which was lying on the autopsy table. It was apparent that he’d just begun with the initial examination of this body, since there were no incisions made yet. Andy glanced at Dean as he approached.

  “Again?” Andy said.

  “If you don’t mind,” Dean said, summoning Gloria and me to take a closer look.

  Andy pried the old man’s mouth open and shined his flashlight inside. He took a half step back to allow us to get a little closer. I peered down into the opening and saw several deep burn holes on his tongue and his cheeks, all around the inside of his mouth. I stepped away and let Gloria get a better look. She stepped back after just a second or two. The look on her face said more than she needed to.

  “What did that?” I said, gesturing toward the old man’s face.

  “I have to admit,” Dean said. “This is one of the most bizarre bodies I’ve ever come across.”

  “I’ve seen worse than this,” I said.

  “I didn’t say bad or worse,” Dean admitted. “I’m talking bizarre here.”

  “What’s so bizarre about this guy?” Gloria said.

  Dean nodded to Andy, who walked over to the wall switch and waited. Dean gave him the signal and Andy switched off all the lights in the room. You’d think we’d be standing there in the dark, but there was an eerie glow coming from the autopsy table.

  “What the…” I said.

  Andy stepped back over to the table and said, “My grandfather was a medic during the war. He once told me that he had treated soldiers in the field who had been burned by phosphorous bombs and he described how they looked. This guy on the table wanted to commit suicide and why he chose this way, I’ll never know. There are much easier ways to go.”

  “And what way is that?” I said.

  “Rat poison,” Andy said. “And this particular rat poison contained phosphorous, and you can see how it burned these large holes in his mouth. No doubt when I open him up, I’ll find similar holes in his stomach.

  “So why is he glowing?” Gloria said.

  Andy pointed a gloved hand at the old man’s mouth, nose, eyes and ears. They all glowed like the face of a bedside table clock. “They use a similar phosphorous to coat the numbers and hands of clocks to make them glow in the dark,” he explained. “The phosphorous from the rat p
oison made its way into the blood stream, and this is the result.

  Gloria finally turned away and gasped. Andy took her signal and flipped the light switch back on again. I had to admit that my own stomach was feeling a bit queasy right about now.

  “Do you understand now why it was better for me to show you than to tell you over the phone?” Dean said.

  “Yes, I see what you mean,” I said. But I don’t get where we come in.”

  Dean turned to Andy. “Thanks Andy,” he said. “I’ll let you get on with your work now.” Dean led Gloria and me back out of the morgue and down the hall to his office once more. We took our seats again and Dean proceeded to explain the reason for his call this morning.

  “This old man’s death is officially on the books as a suicide,” he said. “So that’s pretty much where it ends for me.”

  “But?” I said.

  “But this guy’s sister, Sylvia is sure it wasn’t suicide,” Dean said. “She wanted me to look into it further, but with nothing more to go on, I told her I’d call you and see if you might be interested in digging a little deeper.”

  “Give me some background,” I said. “Who found the body?”

  “The old guy’s name was Shapiro, Samuel Shapiro,” Dean said. “He lived with his daughter, son-in-law and a three-year-old grandson somewhere in Pasadena, I forget the address. Shapiro would occasionally babysit with his grandson. The daughter who called this in said that Shapiro had purchased the rat poison several days earlier. She says he told her it was because he saw evidence of rats out behind the house, next to the garbage cans. Two days ago the daughter said that Shapiro had waited until she and her husband had left the house to go shopping before he went into the living room to swallow the rat poison.”

  “Like Andy mentioned,” Gloria said, “there has to be at least a dozen easier, less painful ways to go if you’re determined to kill yourself.”

  Dean nodded in agreement and then added, “So the daughter forgets her car keys and goes back into the house and finds her dad lying on the floor in the living room, right next to junior’s playpen. She calls us and we send a patrol car right over. The officer who took the call says that when he and his partner got there, the old man was lying on the floor, still conscious and moaning. They saw the empty tube of rat poison on the floor next to him and knew what they were dealing with.”