The Complete Cooper Collection (All 97 Stories)

by Bernico, Bill

  Before she got into the car, Jane uncoiled a length of her garden hose and filled Steve’s water bowl. She poured some dog food from a large bag into another bowl and put the bag out of Steve’s reach. I was already sitting in her passenger seat when she got in and started the car. She pulled out of her driveway and headed back toward Interstate Fifteen.

  On the way back to Hollywood I turned to Jane and said, “Listen, Jane, about what happened at your place yesterday.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Eddie, er, I mean Elliott,” Jane said. “What happens in the middle of nowhere, stays in the middle of nowhere.” She smiled at me and I had to laugh at the absurdity of the statement.

  “Thank you so much for everything,” I said, “especially for your discretion. I wouldn’t want to knowingly do anything to jeopardize what I have with my family.”

  “Don’t give it another thought,” Jane said, and drove on toward Los Angeles.

  By the time we got to Barstow, the temperature gauge in Jane’s car was climbing into the red. She pulled into the same filling station where I’d been carjacked. We’d both drunk a bottle of soda on the way here and the empty bottles were still lying on the floor in the back. Jane took both bottles into the mini mart part of the filling station and filled them with water from the restroom sink. When she came back to the car, I had the hood open and the radiator cap off. The radiator was steaming and hissed as she poured the water from the soda bottles into the opening. She made one more trip to the restroom and two more bottles of water later, the radiator was full again and the steam had ceased.

  Jane got back behind the wheel and turned her car around, aiming it back toward the street. As she was pulling out of the filling station, a familiar car was pulling into it. It was as if my head was on a swivel, the way it automatically spun around to look at the other driver.

  “Stop,” I said to Jane. “Quick, turn around.”

  “What is it, Elliott?” she said.

  “I think that was my dad in that car that just passed by us,” I said. “Go back.”

  Jane threw the car into reverse and backed into the parking area again. As soon as she stopped, I hopped out of the car and hurried over to the other car, just as Dad emerged. He looked at me and then looked away and then did a double-take, turning back to me again.

  “Elliott?” he said, not believing who he was seeing. “Is that really you?” He threw his arms around me and held on tight for a moment. When he released me, he stepped back to get a full-length look at me. “Are you all right, son?”

  “I will be,” I said, “as soon as I can get back home and get something on my feet again.”

  Dad looked down at my bare feet. “What the hell?” he said.

  “It’s a long story,” I told him.

  At that moment Jane walked up to us and stopped.

  “Can I help you?” Dad said to Jane.

  “No, Dad,” I said. “This is Jane. She saved my life, really. I don’t know what would have happened to me if she hadn’t come along when she did.” I turned to Jane and gestured. “Jane Fletcher, I’d like you to meet my father, Clay Cooper.”

  “I’m so glad to meet you, Mr. Cooper,” Jane said, extending her hand. “You have a fine son there.”

  Dad took her hand and grasped it with both of his, shaking it vigorously. “Thank you so much for helping Elliott,” Dad said. “We’ve all been worried sick about him. Wherever did you find him?”

  Suddenly it dawned on me—Gloria. “Dad,” I said. “Let me have your phone, please. I have to call Gloria right away.”

  “Of course,” Dad said and handed me his cell phone.

  I stepped away from Dad and Jane so I could have a little privacy. My hands shook as I dialed the number. It only rang once before I heard Gloria’s sweet voice.

  “Clay is that you?” Gloria said. “Have you heard anything about Elliott?”

  “It’s me, Gloria,” I said. “It’s Elliott.”

  Gloria broke down and sobbed. I kept calling her name but she didn’t answer right away. A moment later she got back on the phone. “Elliott, are you all right?” she said.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said, “as soon as I’m back home again. How are you doing? Is everything all right with you and the baby?”

  “Yeah,” she said, her voice hurried. “Just fine, but tell me about you. What happened?”

  “I’m here in Barstow with Dad and Jane,” I said. “We can talk about this whole thing when I get home.”

  “Jane?” Gloria said. “Who is Jane?”

  “She’s the woman who found me on the road and saved my life,” I said. “It’s too long a story to tell you over the phone. But Jane’s driving me home and I told her we’d take her out to dinner on us. Do you feel up to a dinner out tonight?”

  “Does it have to be tonight?” Gloria said. “I just want you all to myself tonight.”

  “You wouldn’t have me at all if it wasn’t for Jane,” I said. “Besides, she’ll be driving back tonight after dinner.”

  “Nonsense,” Gloria said. “She can stay overnight with us. I’ll be glad to have her. Just hurry and get home, will you?”

  “We should be there in two hours or so,” I said. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Elliott,” Gloria said. “Drive safely.” Gloria hung up the phone.

  I closed Dad’s cell phone and walked back over to where he was talking to Jane. I handed him back his phone and thanked him. “I talked to Gloria,” I said. “I told her I’d be back in two hours. Maybe we should get moving.”

  “I’ve been talking to Jane,” Dad said. “I know this woman. Well, I don’t personally know her, but I’ve read her humor column several times. What a sense of humor this woman has. You should read it some time.”

  “You can bet I will,” I said, “from now on. By the way, Dad, why did you stop in here just now?”

  Dad reached into his car and produced a VHS tape and held it up. “I have to return the tape to these folks. I was here yesterday and sort of borrowed it. The Las Vegas Police already have a copy so I figured the least I could do is give this one back to the guy who gave it to me. You’re on it, you know.”

  “Me?” I said.

  “You and those two punks who took you and your car,” Dad said. “Don’t worry, they’re both dead.”

  Jane and I exchanged a glance. I looked back at Dad. “And what about my car?”

  Dad looked at the pavement and then glanced back up at me. “Remember your last car?” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Well it’s in better shape than your new one,” Dad said. “Sorry, but the police riddled it with bullets and hit the gas tank. It’s toast.”

  I don’t know what struck me funny about it, but I burst out in laughter and couldn’t stop.

  “What’s so funny?” Dad said.

  “My insurance man is gonna shit,” I said.

  “That’s why you have it,” Dad reminded me. “You needed a bigger car anyway. Come on, let’s go home.”

  Elliott,” Jane said, “would you mind driving my car the rest of the way?”

  “Not at all,” I said. “Did you want to catch a few winks on the way back?”

  “Actually,” Dad said, “I asked her to ride with me, if you don’t mind. I want to pick her brain about some of her columns. I figured maybe I could pick up some writing tips. My legacy can’t just be one stinkin’ cook book, now can it?”

  I smiled at Jane. “By the time you get to Hollywood,” I said, “you’ll wish you’d stayed in your own car. Dad’s a talker.”

  “And I’m a good listener,” Jane said, and followed Dad back to his car. He pulled out of the lot and I followed close behind. We hit the on ramp for Interstate Fifteen and headed back to Hollywood.

  It was nearly noon when we pulled into Hollywood and found two parking spaces behind my building. Dad and Jane were already out of his car by the time I parked Jane’s car. The two of them were laughing and she was holding Dad’s arm as
they walked. I guess it didn’t take her as long to get over me as I thought.

  We all rode the elevator to the third floor and walked to the end of the hall. I held up a hand, so Dad and Jane would wait in the hall until I had a chance to greet Gloria. I opened my office door just as Gloria looked up from her laptop. Her face broke out in a wide smile and she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck and kissed me. Then she broke down and cried. I let her get it all out of her system and compose herself before I opened the office door again and let Dad and Jane come in.

  I gestured toward Jane. “Jane Fletcher, “I said, “I’d like you to meet my wife, Gloria. Gloria this is Jane.”

  Gloria wrapped her arms around Jane and pulled her close. “Thank you, thank you so much for helping Elliott,” she said. “I don’t know what I’d have done if anything had happened to him.”

  “It was my pleasure,” Jane said. “Eddie was a real gentleman.” She winked at me in a way so Gloria didn’t catch it. I breathed easier now.

  “Eddie?” Gloria said. “Who is Eddie?”

  I explained briefly to Gloria about getting hit on the head and temporarily losing my memory. I told her how Jane had just ventured a guess as to my name, based on the initials on my shirt.

  Gloria got a kick out of that. She turned to me and said, “Well, you’re back home now, Eddie.”

  “You’re going to have to go car shopping again,” Dad told Gloria. “That’s a long story, too, and I think we’d better save any further discussion for dinner tonight. And we have a lot to talk about.”

  Gloria turned to Jane. “You must be tired from that long, hot trip here,” she said. “Why don’t you come back to our house and you can freshen up. We’re about the same size. You can wear one of my dresses tonight.”

  “Thank you so much,” Jane said. “I could use a little freshening.”

  Gloria led Jane out of the office and down to her new car. The two of them drove back to our house.

  “Dad,” I said, “could you watch the phone for a little while? I have something I need to do right away.”

  “Sure,” Dad said. “What is it?”

  “It’s that black thing on my desk,” I said, pointing at my phone.

  “Smart ass,” Dad said.

  “I just figured I’d take Jane’s car in and have a new thermostat and a water pump installed and get it back to her before she goes home again,” I said. “It’s the least I can do for her.”

  That’s a nice gesture,” Dad said. “You go ahead. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  I walked out the office door and had made it halfway to the elevator when I turned around and walked back into the office.

  “What’d you forget this time?” Dad said.

  “I forgot that I’d need a ride back from the garage after I drop Jane’s car off,” I said. “Screw the phone. Let the machine get it. Come on.”

  I left Jane’s car at the garage and they promised I could pick it up first thing in the morning. Dad and I drove home and found Gloria rocking back and forth in the rocker, her hand resting on her extended belly. She was wearing a nice dress and had her face and hair made up. She smiled as Dad and I walked in.

  “Where’s Jane?” Dad said, looking around the room.

  “Taking a shower and getting dressed,” Gloria said. “Have a seat. She’ll be out in a minute.”

  I looked at Dad. “What’s up with you?” I said. “What’s with this sudden interest in what Jane’s doing?”

  “Just asking to be polite,” Dad said.

  “Like hell,” I said. “I know you too well. What did you two talk about all the way home?”

  “Mostly writing,” Dad said, a sly smile playing on his face. “We hit it off right from the start. Jane’s going to help me with my writing. She’s a great gal.”

  “Oh?” I said, and caught Gloria’s gaze. She was smiling now, too.

  “What’s going on here?” I said. “It seems like you both know something that I don’t.”

  Just then Jane came out of our bedroom wearing one of Gloria’s dresses. Up until now I’d only seen Jane dressed in her wide-brimmed hat, jeans and a tee-shirt. Well, I’d also seen her with none of the aforementioned garb, but felt no need to share that with anyone else. Jane looked stunning with her hair up high on her head and in one of Gloria’s evening dresses.

  “Hey,” I said. “You clean up pretty good.”

  Jane laughed but Gloria didn’t see the humor in my remark. “Elliott,” she said, “really.”

  Jane waved her off. “That’s okay, Gloria. I guess I looked pretty rough back home.”

  Dad walked up to Jane and looked her up and down and then whistled. “Very nice,” he said, “very nice, indeed.”

  “Why, thank you, Mr. Cooper,” Jane said, turning around to give him the full affect.

  “You know,” Dad said. “I don’t believe any of us has had lunch yet. Why don’t we scrap the dinner idea and all go out for lunch instead?”

  “That sound good to me,” I said. “I am kind of hungry, now that you mention it. And that’ll give us plenty of time for the Hollywood tour afterwards.”

  “What tour is that?” Gloria said.

  “Jane said she’s never been to Hollywood before and wanted to see some of the sights,” I said. “I promised we’d show her the town.”

  “Yeah,” Dad said, “about that tour. Jane and I talked out that on the way back home and you know, Elliott, you really should spend some time alone with Gloria. I told Jane I’d be glad to show her the town.”

  I looked at Gloria and she nodded. “Really, Elliott, I’d rather just stay here with you. Clay said he’d show her around. Let’s let him.”

  I stood next to Gloria and put my arm around her shoulder. “All right,” I said. “I guess I am pretty beat.”

  “And you really should get that bump on your head looked at by a real doctor,” Jane added.

  Dad clapped his hands together once and rubbed them, like a fly appreciating a discarded sugar cube. “It’s settled, then,” Dad said.

  I turned to Gloria and just now realized that she was already dressed to go out. I hadn’t really noticed it when I first walked in. “So this was already arranged ahead of time?” I said.

  Gloria smiled and nodded. “You’d better take your shower and get dressed if we’re going to lunch,” she said. Shall we take your car, Elliott?”

  I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and said, “Very funny.”

  “Oh yeah,” Gloria said. “I forgot. We’ll take my car. Dad, you can ride with us if you like.”

  “Actually,” Dad said. “Jane and I will be going in my car. We’ll meet you at the restaurant and afterwards, you and Elliott can just go home. Jane and I have a tour to take.”

  I knew better than to argue the point and retreated to the bedroom to strip and take my shower. Twenty minutes later I was back in the living room. Everyone else was ready to leave. Gloria and I drove to the restaurant and waited for Dad to pull into the lot behind us. The four of us walked into the restaurant and got a corner booth near the hearth.

  Before we were finished with lunch, every detail of my ordeal had been aired from all four points of view. It was certainly a story to tell our grandchildren, but first we’d have to have a child, and that blessed event was less than a month away. I paid the tab, left the tip and walked out to the parking lot to say good night to Dad and Jane.

  I looked at Dad, pointed a finger in his face and said, “You have her home at a reasonable hour, you hear?”

  “Okay, Dad,” Dad said and left with Jane clinging to his arm.

  Gloria and I drove back home and collapsed on the couch the minute we got inside. I lifted my arm and dropped it around Gloria’s shoulder. She nestled into my chest and sighed. “You think anything will come of Clay and Jane?” she said.

  “Wouldn’t that be something?” I said. We both chuckled at the irony.

  Gloria and I spent the rest of the afternoon just enjoying each o
ther’s company. When bedtime finally rolled around, I looked at Gloria and said, “Should we leave the door unlocked for Jane?”

  “No,” Gloria said. “Clay didn’t want to say anything earlier, but Jane is spending the night as his place. He’ll bring her around in the morning.”

  “Gees, he works fast,” I said.

  “Sometimes you just know when it’s the right person,” Gloria said. “Take us, for example. “I knew from the minute you hired me that one day we’d be involved and look at us now.”

  “You were pretty sure of yourself, weren’t you?” I said.

  “I got you, didn’t I?” Gloria said.

  “We got each other,” I said, and kissed her good night.

  At nine o’clock Thursday morning our door opened and Clay walked in, holding Jane’s hand. He looked at me right away. “Well,” Dad said. “You said to have her in early. This is early.”

  “I guess it is,” I said. “Did you kids have fun last night?”

  I thought I saw Jane blush and decided not to pursue the question. Well then,” I said, gesturing toward Jane. “How about if I drive you down to pick up your car?”

  “All right,” Jane said and turned toward Dad. “Are you coming, Clay?”

  “You bet your sweet petunias I am,” Dad said.

  I’d never heard my father talk like this before. Jane must have made quite an impression on him. And as far as I was concerned, that was a good thing. Dad deserved a little joy in his life.

  I turned to Gloria. “Would you like to join us?”

  She waved me off. “I guess I’ll just stay here and straighten things up a bit.” She turned to Jane and hugged her. “Jane it was such a pleasure to meet you and thank you once more for my husband’s life,” Gloria said. “You’re welcome here any time.”

  “I’m so glad I got a chance to meet you, too, Gloria,” Jane said. “We’ll definitely keep in touch.”

  The three of us left Gloria standing in the kitchen and walked out to Dad’s car. I climbed into the back seat and Jane slid in next to Dad. Dad started to drive toward the office.

  “It’s not there, Dad, remember?” I said.