by Tina Smith
“Shh!” His breath brushed my throat as he thrust me against the tree more firmly. I gasped. His cool breath smelt of coffee.
“This won’t hurt a bit,” he whispered hungrily. “You shouldn’t ’a been in the park by yourself.’ He glanced up into my eyes, and then flicked his gaze back to my throat as he drew the air into his nose. My body was rigid, resisting more as he leant closer.
Suddenly he was thrown from me, so fast it tore my dress. I looked in disbelief as he struggled with another man on the deserted road. Bewildered, I ran for my life. I had almost reached the door of a house across the street, when an arm gripped me. I thrashed and tried to shriek, but his cupped hand muffled my terrified screams.
The coated man grabbed me up as I flailed, hitting him with my arm. Engulfed by fear, I squeezed my wet eye lashes and whimpered pathetically.
With his cold hand pressed to the nape of my neck, thump on my face I began to fade and before I knew it, I gave in, falling into the abyss of unconsciousness.
Chapter 1. Murky
I awoke warm in my bed. Trinity was on her computer. I wondered what had happened in a fog as I tried to think, when a twinge of pain caused me to get up and inspect my ankle. I saw the deep graze and dried blood. As I inspected the wound I noticed the burning ache in my arm. I twisted my forearm to eye the black and purple toned bruising, in the shape of fingers. I cleared my sore throat, taken aback by the realization that I hadn’t just had a bad dream. Trinity was absorbed in her laptop, as usual. I was still wearing my cotton dress and it was torn down the front all the way to my side, revealing my bra.
I turned and looked at her.
“Trinity?” I asked carefully “What happened last night?” My throat was dry.
“Some guy brought you here.” She didn’t look away from her screen.
I tried to absorb the information.
“Who?” I braced myself.
She sighed in exasperation. “I don’t know.” She turned towards me on her chair and gave me a scathing look.
Before I could even ask if he was wearing a black coat, she had clamped her mouth and closed her text book. I watched her as she stacked some notes and grabbed her bag. Before I knew it she had gone as the door closed with a slam.
I sat up further and rubbed my eyes. Trinity and I were assigned a dorm together because we both had suffered trauma. When we first started rooming she was just indifferent but at the moment she was just downright rude. Maybe it was just that trauma was the only thing we had in common. Well, that and her ex-boyfriend, Jack.
He’d made it clear that he and Trinity weren’t ever an item, apart from one night at a first semester frat party. Trinity however didn’t see it that way. She was pissed that Jack and I hung out. I made it clear that we were barely friends and I wasn’t looking for a relationship but her hatred ran deep.
I believe Trinity had requested a new dorm but this late in semester all the student accommodation was full. She was putting up with me but today that tolerance had seemed to have worn thin. I had a dull headache.
I eased out of the warm covers and pulled a dried leaf from my hair. My ankle was sore but I could walk fine; it was a flesh wound. My neck was stiff, my arms tender from the bruising. Feeling a further ache in my ribs I lifted back my soiled dress to reveal more contusions. Grimacing, I grabbed up my bathroom bag and a towel.
There was dirt all over my bare feet. In the empty shower blocks, I rinsed my tender body under the steaming hot water and watched the mud eddy down the drain.
Had I been drinking? The mud swirled over the tiles. No, I had run to the bridge. Had I jumped? I started to recall flashes of the men, running. I shivered.
Wearing my flip flops and sweats on my way back to the dorm, I was resigned to calling the police when I noticed the door was ajar. Unsure, I stilled, cautious of whether to enter. I listened. Perhaps I had left it open? Then I realized Trinity must have left something behind.
As I entered I saw a tall male figure in a black coat was standing in the center of the room. He swiveled to face me. I gave a start as my heart skipped a beat.
“Good morning.”
My alarmed heart thudded erratically as I stopped short. I swallowed. Was it possible he was just Trinity’s friend? I thought to run.
“Please, don’t.” He took a step towards me.
I froze, wondering if he would try to stop me. I dared to stare up at him, seeing the deep grey under his eyes.
“I’m glad to see you’re alright.” He had the face of a stone angel, aggrieved and pale.
I swallowed. “That’s debatable.” The hoarse words fell from my mouth. I knew as soon as I saw him that he was the guy from the park, the one in the coat who had grabbed me from the bridge. I remembered where he had gripped me firmly. The shape of his hand was bruised into my forearm. I dared not move.
“Well, that’s all I came for, so...” He went to leave, his lavender eyelids turned down.
I recalled the things I had seen. “What happened to me?” Tears filled my eyes. I needed answers.
He stopped. “You went to jump, I saved you.” He stared through me with those caramel eyes. I was clear on the fact that I had tried to jump—it was everything else that confused me.
I nodded. I tried not to cry, clasping my own arms and wondered what he and the other guy had done to me. “What is this? Are you trying to shut me up?” I asked low.
He sighed. “No.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I think you’re a little confused.”
Suddenly I was angry as he avoided my eyes. “I’m not confused about these bruises.” I held up my hand but my accusation was tempered by my broken breath.
He glanced at the ceiling. “I just came to see if you were okay.” His brow pinched.
I knew with determination that I was calling the cops the second he left.
He stared straight at me then. “It’s your word against ours.” His angular face was expressionless.
“Get away from me.” My tone was deep, as I backed away steadily.
“You know, for someone so intent on killing yourself, you sure fought hard when your life was threatened.” His tone was smooth, his stone face unreadable.
Adrenalin pooled cold in my veins as my focus sharpened.
“What would you know.” I shot him a scathing look.
He sighed. “I made sure you were safe.” He grabbed the door and before he left he turned and uttered in a hushed tone, “Don’t worry next time you can…jump,” so bitterly that I was taken aback.
He closed the door behind him and I flinched as it thudded.
I stood in shock for moments staring at the closed door before I rushed to lock it. Chilled, I melted onto my bed. Too hurt and confused, I lay weeping in misery, the pieces swirling in my head.
I had already missed my first class for the day. I stayed cocooned in my quilt, feeling sore. Trinity came back and went out again after grabbing her coat. Tucked in bed, I opened my eyes and closed them again when she shut the door.
Chapter 2. Muddled
I was shivering in a turtle neck and large coat on the walk to class the next day. The weather was frigid. Sadie ran up beside me. Her nose was pink and her face pale but she had a lively look in her eyes. No doubt due to a new guy she had started dating.
“Hi.” She seemed in good spirits.
“Hi.” We were both headed to Rosin’s History class. I couldn’t say I was in a talkative mood. I held my books more tightly. Unlike Trinity, Sadie had been nice to me since I arrived. I’d transferred mid semester. I was just here for the classes, not the social aspect.
“Get anywhere with your assignment?” she asked, a plume of steam misted from her lips.
I shook my head. “Um, actually, I picked a topic,” I offered. Be normal, Farren. I squeezed and opened my eyes as I breathed in the crisp air.
We turned to head under the open veranda, lined with columns.
“What happened yesterday?”
“What?” I
asked, looking at the ground. I realized with a glance at her face that she’d noticed my absence. I offered a reason. “Cramps.” It was an excuse people didn’t question.
“I called...”
I looked back down at the pavement “I was probably sleeping...”
Inside, the class was only half full, Sadie took of her coat. By this late in the semester students had dropped a lot of classes. I hoped she wouldn’t try and ask me anything else as I took a seat. I kept my sleeves down as though my fingers were cold but really it was to cover my bruises. There was a blue green ring around my wrist and I had noticed purple marks on my neck.
I was glancing around as the professor entered when noticed a guy in a black coat who came in at the same moment and sat several rows back in the auditorium. I narrowed my eyes on him. And when he turned to glance at me with a chiseled pale face and caramel brown eyes, I knew without a doubt it was the guy who’d visited my dorm room uninvited yesterday morning. I shifted in my seat seriously considering whether to leave. Sadie nudged me.
“You know him?”
I shook my head. As the lecture started I tried to concentrate, taking notes.
*
As we exited the auditorium Sadie asked me to lunch.
“It’s ‘Ice-cream Tuesday’.” She nudged me—it was how we met a few weeks ago— there was ‘all you can eat’ soft serve on Tuesdays.
“That’s how I gained my freshman two…” She’d laughed when she had seen me with the ice cream piled high, referring to the weight a freshman gains the first year of college.
I smiled at the memory. But then I became distracted as I ate. It was warm inside the cafeteria and I was slurping my hot soup when Sadie gasped.
“Farren, what is that?”
I looked at my wrist, my mouth parted. I quickly let down my spoon and covered it up.
She frowned “How did that happen?”
For a moment I thought I may be able to talk my way around it as I looked at my sleeve.
“Tell me who did that to you?” She sounded outraged but she kept her voice low.
“Sadie, it’s nothing, okay..?” Besides she wouldn’t believe me if I told her.
“Wait, is that why you were off yesterday?” There was no avoiding her glare.
Think Farren. “It doesn’t matter, it’s over.” I tried to shrug it off as I picked up my spoon.
She sank back in her chair. “It’s that guy, isn’t it?” She didn’t even wait for my answer as she stabbed her pasta salad. “BDSM or something?”
“No. Definitely not,” I assured her although, I then realized that only left one other explanation as I poked at the lumps in my soup with the spoon.
“Bondage has gone really mainstream...”
“No, that’s definitely not it.” I knew as she glared that the real explanation was perhaps worse than she was thinking. I had mentioned a guy once to Sadie but I was playing my cards close to my chest. The Jack/Trinity/Farren love triangle was something I did not want to be a part of. Sadie only knew someone was interested. She had not persisted with her curiosity when I started avoiding her.
“Have you slept with him?” she enquired with a cautious turn of her head.
“No.” Dammit, I should have said not yet. Jack and I weren’t an item. As a rule I avoided Jack and the subject of him.
Sadie’s eyes softened. “Farren, are you a virgin?” I avoided her eyes but she craned to see my face. Her brows rose, “I’m your friend. You can tell me.” I knew Sadie had had her suspicions about my virgin status, since we’d met.
“That’s none of your business.”
Her dark green eyes grew wide, “Oh my god, that’s worse.” Her lips parted.
I didn’t want to know what she was thinking. “Sadie, you don’t know, okay…” I knew I wanted to leave the cafeteria before she made a big deal of it, but that would only have made things worse.
I thought a moment and started to gather up my stuff, hastily. I knew that I should have denied it was Jack.
“Please don’t mention it to anyone,” I worried.
She grabbed my hand as I stood to leave and I met her expression. She looked livid. “You can report him to campus police.”
“It was an accident,” I tried to explain. “Really, I have thin blood, I bruise super easy.”
By the look on her face I knew I had made it worse. She wasn’t buying it.
There was a silence, where I hoped she would accept my explanation.
I gave up with a sigh and sat back in the chair. The more I avoided the subject the worse it looked.
After a moment she spoke. “You know guys like him do it again.” She scowled as she forked her salad. “I have a mind to set Henry on him...”
“It wasn’t—” It was hopeless. “You know I don’t need this Sadie.” I grabbed up my bag again. I gave her an apologetic look. “I appreciate your concern; it’s not what you think.” That was true. I started walking off.
“Farren…” She got up and followed me. “Farren?” she urged more loudly.
I slowed. “It’s not like that.” I just wished she’d drop it.
“What’s it like then?” She waited a moment. “Look, my step-dad used to hit my mom, I know what the bruises are...”
I turned away and walked out of the cafeteria and she didn’t follow. I had Psych that afternoon. I grabbed a coffee off campus and I was walking back when I saw the house that I remembered running to before I was grabbed. If I didn’t know myself better I’d have sworn it was a dream. Maybe I could have convinced myself it was, but unmistakable wounds marked my body. Every place he and the other man had gripped me, I remembered with a chill. There were two men; I was puzzling it over in a distracted way when I thought I saw a man in dark clothing disappear through the trees in the park. I took the long way round, all the way across campus to my next lecture.
In the hall I heard my name and turned to see Jack. He was chatting with a small group of other students. I had hoped to avoid him but he jogged over in an enthusiastic way that despite myself made me want to smile.
“Hey, I was wondering…” He ran a hand over his black hair and flicked it. “I, ah, got you that book you were looking for.”
He placed a book in my hand.
“It’s a little well used,” he apologized.
“No, no it’s really great.” I felt terrible, I had mentioned it in passing.
“If it’s not the—”
“No—it’s the one.” I looked at him. “Thanks.” I didn’t know what to say. A group of the other kids wandered in, so I changed the subject. “We should go in,” I shrugged.
Unfortunately Jack sat by me. I couldn’t help but laugh at one of his jokes which of course would only encourage him.
After class I was thinking I’d say bye and slip away but Jack hurriedly filled his back pack and came up beside me with it slung on his shoulder.
“So, I um,” he smiled, “did you want to get a bite or something?” I could tell he was hopeful. I was going to make an excuse about being tired when I saw the guy in the black coat again through the crowd. Jack was saying something.
“...So, what do think?”
“What?—Jack I’m sorry, I’m not with it today.” That was an understatement.
“...Look, I don’t mean to pressure you or anything, Farren.”
Now he had my full attention. “Jack—” I wanted to stop him but he was insistent.
“—No, I know you are having a rough time still…”
I held up my hand. “Jack, please. It’s fine.” I shook my head urging him not to go there. I tried to smile, thankfully he paused. “Rain check, okay?” I held his gaze until he agreed and backed away.
“Tomorrow?” He smiled, defeated. I watched him walk off. I felt bad but I wasn’t up to it, especially not since suffering Trinity’s passive aggressive wrath this morning. I hoped he wasn’t pissed at me. But I had the feeling, rather than him wearing me down, I had worn him out. I’d cancelled on him a f
ew days ago, but that’s because I had given up, made my decision. I was quite determined that I wouldn’t be there anymore, so it didn’t matter. Even friends like them didn’t change the past. They made the guilt worse.
I thought about what the strange guy had said in my dorm. Why did I fight so hard? I realized it was because I thought they would hurt me. If I’d known they planned to finish the job maybe I would have been more cooperative.
I checked my cell phone, I hadn’t looked at my messages for days. I had three missed calls from friends at Dartmouth, mostly acquaintances I didn’t care to speak with, and the recent calls from Sadie. I needed my space. I couldn’t stand talking to anyone about the accident or avoiding it with small chat. I couldn’t pretend to be happy about the fact that I had survived. ‘Survivors guilt’ was what they called it. At its most extreme the innocuous psychiatric term can kill its victims. I was caught in the dark pull. Sometimes I thought that the blackness around me cast such a shadow, that other dark things were attracted to it. Surviving was a double-edged sword.
My phone beeped, I sighed and checked it. My mother had texted to see if I was alright. What she really meant was that everybody was calling her because they were concerned. She wouldn’t have phoned of her own accord. She wasn’t that way inclined and, besides, her new husband was keeping her busy.
My mother was a ‘Cougar’. She had just married some guy she had known for twelve months who was eleven years her junior; a phenomenon only made possible by social media dating websites.
It was an age gap just close enough as to be socially acceptable and just far enough to completely gross me and my brother out. As a result I was the only student on campus without a Facebook account.
Chapter 3. Dark Clouds