by Tina Smith
I spent the next few days holed up studying and writing papers. It was a welcome distraction. Trinity was in and out, without so much as a nod. By Saturday I had agreed to go out with Sadie, but only because the bruises had faded enough to be covered by makeup and she was hounding me to meet her new beau.
Some friend of her cousin was having an off-campus bash. When we rocked up I saw that it was a dilapidated building on a vacant lot.
“It’s scheduled for demolition tomorrow,” Henry, Sadie’s new love interest mentioned as he tucked away the keys. As I got out I could see there was a bon fire in the backyard and a lit drum; some people were warming themselves near the flames and spray painting the walls.
Nebraska was cold in the fall but it was a clear night. Sadie agreed we wouldn’t stay long, as I tucked my hands in my pockets.
I had been closed off from all the normal college stuff for a while. I took the beverage offered and drank it down hungrily. Sadie got me dancing and though my world had crashed around me I danced in the rubble, moving harder as I let loose. Jack showed a couple of hours after the sun set with a small group of guys. By then I was in better spirits.
“Hey, you want to dance?” he asked above the bass.
I nodded. I wondered if he knew I was here.
“You look happy.” He smiled a charismatic grin. He was wearing the college jacket, perhaps I blushed as we danced.
I swayed to the music beside Jack in the crowd until I needed to pee. The only toilet had a line. Sadie and I found a quiet street and relieved ourselves, giggling the whole time. On the way back Sadie said she was ready to leave.
We grabbed Henry. Jack spotted me following her out. “You going?” He looked disappointed as he stood amongst the crowd.
I gave a cheeky smirk. “Bye,” I said with a wave. Why did I encourage him? But I was in a good mood.
“Who were you dancing with?” Sadie asked slyly. I could tell by the glassy look in her eyes that she was drunk.
“Nobody.”
“Do you know him?” Sadie said in a high pitched voice to Henry as she wrapped her arm in his. “My legs feel tingly...” she giggled. The effects of the booze taking hold.
Henry thought, “The guy with Farren? He’s on the Lacrosse team or something. Frat guy I believe.” He opened the car, “He hangs out with Hank Rezera, the Lacrosse Captain.”
Flushed from dancing in my coat, we made our way in Henry’s car to a coffee place that was open all hours to sober up. Sadie and Henry walked hand in hand along the foot path.
“Look at you two,” I teased.
“What?” Sadie couldn’t help but smile wide back. She let him go and walked to catch up with me.
“You need to fall in love,” she whispered with a bashful chuckle. “It changes everything.”
We glanced back at Henry.
“What?” Henry didn’t know what we were whispering about. She was smitten. I was smiling as we entered but that smile quickly faded when I saw ‘black coat guy’ seated in a booth facing us as we came in. I stopped. He was like a poltergeist.
“Farren?” Sadie looked back at me concerned. I pretended I was fine and followed her to a booth.
I momentarily pondered if he was the angel of death come for me. My heart was racing but I pretended I was okay.
“Do you know that guy?” Sadie asked straightening up.
The fact that she could see him was a double-edged sword.
“No,” I said too forcibly as I pulled my eyes away from his stone face.
Henry had his arm around Sadie again. “I’ve seen him around,” he mentioned, sliding into the booth beside Sadie.
“Where?” I asked daring to glance in his direction as Sadie wedged herself against Henry, putting her knee over his.
“He’s an undergrad, I’ve seen him with Professor Jones,” Henry picked up the menu.
The cold determined look on the strange guy’s face sent a shiver down my spine.
“What’s he doing here by himself?” Sadie asked squirming as Henry grabbed her playfully. I tried to ignore the guy’s presence across the Diner. He seemed to glare.
I changed the subject. “So are you two an item now?” I rested my chin on my hand, and I smiled easily.
They looked shyly at each other and then Sadie snickered. They were sweet. My smile settled I could feel the strange guy’s caramel eyes boring through me.
I sat through donuts and a hot chocolate but then I made my excuses and Sadie grabbed her purse. As we left, I glanced through the door before it closed shut, but to my surprise he was gone.
“C’mon, Farren!” Sadie called happily.
*
Trinity wasn’t in at the dorm. I can’t say that I wasn’t happy about it. I pulled back my covers to see my diary—only it wasn’t where I had left it. It was possible Trinity had touched it, I couldn’t put it past her. Although she could have just had people over who had bumped it. But I did wonder...
When I was a kid it wasn’t mum that had invaded my privacy but my brother and I’d do things that let me know if he’d been reading it.
I placed a hair in the page and closed the notebook.
Chapter 4. Looming Shadows
I slept in. Woken when Trinity came in abruptly, I turned over, still drowsy. After a while I realized she was grabbing stuff. I peeked at her and saw that she appeared to be packing her bags.
“Hey, you going somewhere,” I asked lazily.
“Like you care,” she said on her way past. Trinity and I were far from close, I wouldn’t have even called her a friend. We had known each other a few weeks. I knew her no better in that moment than I did in the first week sharing a room. It wasn’t all me either, I had actually attempted to be nice. She had given me the cold shoulder. The door slammed.
I looked about, still bleary eyed. It seemed I had the room to myself. Strangely I felt good about it. I sank back down into the covers and I actually slept better than I had in months.
Next day in class I found Sadie.
“What’s up, girl?” She had a Twizzler and she handed me one.
“Thanks.” It was strawberry flavored; I stuck the end in my mouth as I sat down and plonked my books on the desk.
“You look better.” Her tone was optimistic. I decided to take the compliment. “Thanks,” but then I remembered the reason for my lifted mood. I took out the Twizzler. “Trin moved out.” I was still registering the fact myself. Sadie and I mirrored each other’s expressions and I took a bite of the chewy candy. The professor was setting up.
“For realz?” Sadie was surprised, but not shocked. She paused, thinking.
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “She took her stuff on Sunday morning and left.”
Sadie sat up as though she had a thought. “Did you argue?”
“No.” I shook my head. The lecture started so I lowered my voice. “Who knows why? It was quite sudden. Maybe she found somewhere better...” I turned my focus to the front of the class.
She whispered, “Well, I guess now you can have that new cute guy over from the party.”
I glanced at her and shook my head. “I’ve known Jack a while...”
“Oh, he’s the guy who is interested in you?” she said fast.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t believe she still hadn’t put two and two together.
She leant in a little more and whispered. “I didn’t realize...” she sat up straighter in thought. “That’s the guy who has been asking you out?” Her expression widened.
“No, there’s a line up...” I caught her eye and gave a sarcastic smile, then turned my attention back to the lecture.
*
On the way out, Jack called out to me. For the first time I was happy to see his face.
“Hi Jack.” I managed an easy slit smile.
“Hi.” He noted my expression with a bashful smile.
I hadn’t time to think as Sadie strode up with a bitter expression. “Oh no, don’t think you can just make it up to her!” Sadie was up in his
face. “You won’t ever hurt her again, you hear me.” Her tone was scathing “Is it because she won’t sleep with you? You disgust me.”
“Take it easy,” Jack backed up.
Oh god, I started to die. I gritted my teeth. “Sadie,” I urged her. But she wasn’t listening. “Sadie!” I tried again, this time tugging on her arm.
“She is off limits,” Sade hissed vehemently. “If I’d have known it was you...”
A little shocked, Jack tried to figure out what was wrong. He glanced at me but all I could offer was a helpless apologetic look. There was no explanation.
I cringed. “Jack…”
“Oh,” he looked between us. “I see.” He gave me a disappointed look then shook his head and walked off.
“That’s right!” she called after him.
She turned to me and noted my expression of bewilderment. “You can’t really be going back for more?”
“Sadie!” I scolded her. She wasn’t getting the message.
“What?” She was interested.
I lowered my voice “I think I need to talk to you.” My face was drawn. “Please.” She could see in my eyes that I was serious, and she frowned. I tried not to notice the piercing stares. “C’mon.” I led her outside, ignoring the glances from curious students as we excited the building.
I touched my brow. This whole incident was drawing stares. It wasn’t the hugest campus and stuff like this went around like wild fire.
But Sadie still looked pissed, despite her stature she was intimidating.
When we reached an area behind the main building I stopped. “Sadie, it wasn’t, I mean the bruises.” I whispered bruises. “Aren’t from him,” I stressed.
“What?” She frowned. “You said you’ve seen him a few times...Don’t tell me it’s another guy.” The fierce sneer of her lips lingered.
My shoulders were up. “I’m sorry if I let you think that.”
Sadie realized what I was saying. “Shit, you could, you should have...” I was about to breathe when she asked, “Hang on then…”
I froze. “Then who was it?” she tilted her head to look into my eyes, her lash-rimmed dark green eyes narrowing on mine.
I played it off. “It’s a self-harm…” My throat felt dry as I said it. I hoped it was believable.
“Don’t lie to me Farren.” She looked stubborn. You’d have thought I’d known Sadie longer than a month. She was like a mother hen. I knew there was no getting out of it.
I lowered my voice, knowing I had to tell her the truth “If I tell you, you have to promise not to mention it ever, to anyone, ever,” I insisted. I knew even as I said it that one day she would tell someone, if not right away. People weren’t good at keeping secrets. I realized even if she believed the story she may not want to know me anymore. She waited.
“I went into the park at night, by myself.”
“Sounds dangerous?” She wasn’t impressed; I tried to ignore her raised-brow.
“And…” If I didn’t say it now then I wouldn’t, so I spat it out. “Some guy grabbed me and I struggled but I got away.” It sounded so tawdry.
“Yeah.” She narrowed her eyes and looked away, disgusted with my lies as she tapped her foot nervously. She didn’t believe me.
“Look, Jack has probably never even killed a spider, do you really believe it was him? You don’t have to believe me but please don’t think it was him.”
“Then who was it?”
“You know me, there aren’t guys...” I offered, almost cringing.
“So what, how’d you get away?” Though she sounded sarcastic she seemed willing to listen.
Fine. “I was in trouble and some other guy came along and saved me.” I sounded like I didn’t even believe it. In fact I now wondered if that was the case. My brow furrowed.
“Really?” she sounded skeptical still.
“I swear.” I looked at her with my eyes steady.
“Attacked?” She put down her bag and sat on a nearby bench, considering my confession. “And you haven’t told anyone?” She looked at me again as if to make sure.
I gave a shrug.
She was quiet.
“No.” I sat down beside her, and stared despondently ahead.
“You didn’t call the police?” she wondered out loud.
I shook my head. No. “I wasn’t raped…”
“That’s no excuse…look at those bruises! Oh my god!” she exclaimed.
“Yeah.” I scratched the back of my neck.
She looked like she was about to speak and then she paused.
“Can we just go to lunch?” I hoped that we were done with the subject.
Her tone softened, “Farren, what if that guy is still out there?”
I shrugged.
“Are you sure you don’t know who it was?”
“No.” It was true.
“I’m not saying I agree, but Farren, the guy who did this to you could try it again...”
“I just can’t.” It was too much to deal with.
“Have you tried to tell the cops?”
“I didn’t see him. It was dark...” But fine, she had a point. “Tomorrow I’ll tell campus police.”
“I’ll go with you,” Sadie offered.
“Thanks.” I hadn’t realized it but my eyes were a little moist.
She rubbed my back. “Let’s get lunch.” She attempted to lighten the mood with an apologetic smile. I got up and sauntered to the cafeteria.
After a few moments she asked, “Do you know who saved you?”
I paused. “I’m not sure...” I knew it was a bad lie. But she seemed to let it slide. We lined up and filled our trays.
*
Sadie sipped her straw. “You’re a magnet for trouble, you know that?”
I tried to enjoy the joke. But my face was fighting it.
“I’ll have to apologize to Jack now.” She pressed her lips in annoyance.
I was relieved she at least believed that it wasn’t him. “I tried to tell you.” I forked my pie. “I don’t know if he’s going to talk to me again,” I admitted with a groan. “I should have said something earlier. I didn’t know you were so fierce.” I gave her a reserved smile.
“I was ready to pound his butt!” She laughed in a broken way. “God, what must he think?”
“I’m sure once I explain, if he listens…” If Trinity was still rooming with me I might have left it at that.
“I’m sure he will, I look like the crazy one,” she assured me. Sadie was a nice person. I wanted to make it up to her—it was all my fault.
Chapter 5. Beautiful Strength
The next day I called Jack—no answer. On my way to class I looked out for him. Finally after my last class I spotted him in the cafeteria in line with his tray.
“Jack, can we talk?”
“That depends?”
“On what?”
“Is Sadie going to be upset about it?” He pretended to be more interested in the food on offer.
“No.” I tried to look apologetic. “Look, she had the wrong end of the stick.”
“No shit.”
“Yeah, a bit like Trinity...” I had a point. I noticed his friend eavesdropping. “Can we chat, privately,” I urged.
“Okay.” He passed his tray over to his friend and walked after me.
When we entered the hall I turned to look at him and despite myself I saw that smile he had in his eyes. Maybe this was the attention he had been fishing for. “Jack, I’m so sorry about that.” I realized it would be hard to explain without mentioning the bruises. “I had a bad bruise on my arm, she thought it was from a guy...” I shook my head.
“So she thought it was me?”
“Yeah…I’m sorry.”
He sidled up to me and crossed his arms. “No, I’m actually kind of flattered…does this mean I’m your only male friend right now?” He gave a cheeky grin, which spread.
I knew what he meant by that and I didn’t want to answer.
“Oh,
or is she your girlfriend? I mean it’s fine…” he pouted his lips.
“No,” I assured him.
“There’s nothing wrong with that...”
“No, she is not my lesbian girlfriend.” Jack was surely toying with me now.
He laughed. “Are you sure? She was pretty angry.”
“Is that what they are saying?”
“Hey,” he cooed. “Don’t worry.” He touched my elbow. “Once you agree to a date with me we’ll be good.” His eyes searched mine. “I’ll be the one who turned you straight,” his lips fought a smirk.
I pulled my arm closer to my body. Jack was being a little too intense all of a sudden. His expression softened. “Look I know you’ve had a rough time.” I wondered how much he really knew. He looked slightly frustrated, but then he smiled. “I understand,” he offered more seriously.
I caved, “Okay.” I felt better having smoothed it over. What the hell...Trinity had moved out.
“You’ll eat with me then?” he lips hovered in a smile.
“Yeah, just for lunch.” Why did I feel manipulated all of a sudden? I assured myself that once he saw what a bore I was he would not be so intent on dating me.
Jack’s friend had paid for his tray. I lined up to grab something. I could see them chatting and then he came over and lined up with me.
“The potato bake is good today,” he whispered over my shoulder.
“Thanks for the tip.” I looked over at his friend. “Who’s your frat buddy?”
“That’s Hank Rezera.” He smiled.
“Hank?”
“Yeah.”
“Are we sitting with him?”
“Ah, no. I want you all to myself,” he decided.
“He doesn’t mind?”
“No, we are not as close as Sadie and you.” He was taking a dig. “Not that there is anything wrong with that,” he teased.
“Ha, well maybe I swing both ways, is that a problem?”
“Uh, no.”
“I’m joking, Jack.” I gave a slight smirk. I think he blushed.
We sat at a table alone with interruptions from his friends saying hi, but it was nice. I thought about what it would be like to date him, for a moment it was like before everything changed. My phone beeped, I saw a message from Sadie. She was wondering where I was. Shit! I was meant to meet her at the campus police this afternoon. Dammit.