The Boyfriend of the Month Club

by Maria Geraci

  “Pride and Prejudice,” Brandon said. “The Colin Firth version.”

  “You didn’t! That’s like a million hours long.”

  “Yeah, but I hear it’s worth it.”

  “Good thing I have lots of popcorn.”

  “So how are things at Florida Charlie’s?” Brandon asked as they settled into the movie.

  “Technically I’m still on probation, but Pop and I are getting along. I’m officially the store manager and he’s assumed the role of on-site owner and constant-meddler, which is fine with me because I need his advice. But he’s letting me open the store one Sunday a month on a trial basis. I think it’s really going to boost revenues.”

  It was the second week in March. Last Saturday, the first Saturday of the month, Grace had stayed late at the store, just in case. About fifty women (who apparently didn’t read the ad Grace had put in the paper) had shown up for a boyfriend club meeting. They’d been disappointed when Grace had told them the club no longer existed.

  “I’m training Marty to take over most of Penny’s duties,” she added.

  Brandon got them a couple of beers from the fridge. “How are the wedding plans going?” He opened one of the beers and handed it to her.

  “Good. Abuela is making all the dresses. Penny is going to look like a princess.”

  They were near the end of the first disc, the part where Colin Firth aka Mr. Darcy proposes to Elizabeth. “I can’t believe your friends actually thought I resembled this guy. Does he really think any woman in her right mind is going to say yes to that messed-up proposal?”

  Grace smiled. “You have to admit, there’s an uncanny resemblance in our relationships. Except for the romance part,” Grace said.

  “Yeah, except for that.”

  “Ellen was one hundred percent positive you were Mr. Darcy. And she was convinced Joe was my Mr. Wickham.”

  “Yeah, I remember all that from the radio.” Brandon turned pensive. “Do you still think of him, Grace? I know it’s only been a few weeks, but you never mention him so—”

  “Yeah, I still think of him.” Like all the time.

  “Maybe you should call him.”

  “Maybe he should call me.”

  “Is that you talking or that Mal Genio person inside of you?”

  “I told you, Mal Genio means Bad-Tempered One, not Stubborn One.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I would feel weird calling him.”

  “I don’t think he would mind.”

  Grace picked up the remote and hit the mute button. “How do you know?”

  “I went out for a beer with him the other day. We talked. He asked about you.”

  “You and Joe had a beer together? I thought he didn’t like you.”

  “We were friends in college. I did something he didn’t like, but now we’re okay again.” Brandon stood and stretched. “I’ll go stick another bag of popcorn in the microwave while you put the second disc in.”

  “So what did he say about me?” Grace yelled, since Brandon was in the kitchen.

  “Call him. Or don’t. That’s your choice. But I’m not going to play messenger boy.”

  Grace bit back a retort. “So you’re going to be my date for Penny’s wedding, right? First Saturday in April. Dress is casual nice.”

  He plopped a fresh bowl of popcorn in her lap. “Is that you asking me or is that you assuming? Sorry, Grace, but no can do. I already have plans for that weekend.”

  “I thought . . . Oh, wow, I’m sorry! I’ve talked about the wedding so much and you’re right, I just assumed you’d go with me. I didn’t think I had to formally ask you. My bad.”

  “Ordinarily I’d love to escort you to this shindig, but it just so happens I have a date that weekend. I’m going to a regatta.” Brandon kept munching on his popcorn and staring straight ahead at the screen.

  “I didn’t know you sailed.”

  “I don’t.”

  When he didn’t say anything else, Grace turned off the TV set. “So who is she? Do I know her?”

  Brandon sighed heavily. “It’s not a she.”

  For the longest time, they sat there not saying anything.

  She covered her face with her hands and tried not to laugh. Not because there was anything funny really. It was just like it had been with Sarah. Staring at her straight in the face. “Am I the most self-centered person in the world? Or just dim-witted and clueless?”

  “I really thought you suspected. Honestly, you didn’t? Not even after our big kiss?”

  “Well, now that you mention it, I thought—Oh my God. It’s Joe’s cousin, Phillip. He’s your date!”

  “He’s actually my first . . . well, my first boyfriend. Joe introduced us in college and we hit it off right away. I’d suspected I was gay, but being with Phil confirmed it for me. He was ready to come out, but I was pretty freaked, so I broke it off with him.”

  “And pretended to like girls.”

  “I do like girls. I just like boys better.”

  “That’s why Joe had such a problem with you.”

  “He knew I was nothing but a big fake. I never went out with the same girl more than twice. Everyone thought I was some kind of super stud.” He laughed, then turned serious. “Honestly, Grace? I have you to thank for helping me get my shit together.”

  “Me?”

  “That day at Chez Louis, when I told you walking out on me was the best thing anyone had ever done for me? I wasn’t lying. That night I went home and started thinking about what an ass I was. Here you were, this really nice girl, and I was playing you so that my rep would stay intact. For a while I thought . . . maybe.” He shrugged. “I thought maybe we could be together, but that kiss proved to me that it was impossible.”

  “Brandon, why didn’t you just come out and tell me?”

  “I hoped that you would say something first. It’s not easy, Grace. Even now. Old habits are hard to break.”

  “I guess guys like Doug make it hard, huh?”

  He munched on his popcorn and contemplated her question. “Guys like Doug like to give guys like me a hard time. But it’s their own insecurities that make it a problem.” A twinkle lit up his dark eyes. “Don’t laugh, but I really think Zumba has improved my rugby game. All that extra coordination, you know? I told Doug he should look into signing up.”

  Grace held her breath. “What did he say?”

  “He told me to go fuck myself. And then I beat his ass. On the rugby field, that is.”

  Grace smiled. “So, tell me about Phillip. Have you met his mom yet?”

  “Not yet,” he said, sounding a little nervous. “He makes her sound pretty fierce.”

  “Sarah calls her The Dragon. But don’t worry, she’s absolutely going to love you.”

  “We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks, so don’t make a bigger deal out of it than it is.”

  “Yeah, but you two have a history. No wonder you acted all weird at Chez Louis that night! Was that the first time you’d seen Phillip since college?”

  Brandon nodded. “My heart was thumping so fast I had to leave. But seeing him again was the push I needed. So I mustered up my courage and called him a couple of days later. We went out to dinner and talked and, oh, get this. You’re gonna love it. I told him that he makes me want to be a better man.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “He totally bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. Of course, I do mean it, you know,” he said with a wink.

  Grace started to laugh again, then caught herself. Something suddenly felt very strange. And oddly familiar. “Hey, Brandon,” she said, opening her mouth wide. “Is there a piece of popcorn stuck in my bottom tooth?”

  Brandon inspected her mouth. “No popcorn that I can—Uh oh, I think you chipped your tooth.”

  Grace ran to the bathroom with Brandon behind her. She smiled into the mirror above the sink. There it was. The same tooth she’d chipped four months ago was chipped again.

  36

  Chip
ping Away at the Curse

  Grace tried to ignore the infernal pounding in her chest. She picked up the phone and dialed.

  “Sunshine Smiles, how can I help you?” said a serene, pleasant-sounding woman on the other end. Grace immediately recognized the voice.

  “Is this Tanya?” Grace asked.

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Tanya, it’s Grace O’Bryan.”

  There was a slight pause. “Grace, how are you?”

  “I’m fine. Well, actually, I chipped my tooth again, but it’s not a big deal. Where’s Melanie?”

  “Melanie no longer works here. Joanna is the new receptionist, but she’s got a cold today so I’m filling in for her.”

  Melanie no longer worked at Sunshine Smiles? Good for you, Joe.

  “So I guess that means I talk to you. Kind of like old times, huh? I need to make an appointment, but it’s not an emergency or anything.” Now that she and Joe were no longer dating, there didn’t seem to be a reason that he couldn’t be her dentist.

  There was a few seconds of thorny silence.

  “How’s Joe?” Grace asked.

  “He’s doing well.” There was a crispness in Tanya’s voice that could only mean one thing.

  “Um, Tanya, did you hear about the boyfriend club?”

  “Unfortunately, the whole office heard the Speedway show. It was very embarrassing for Joe. He had to let Melanie go after that, which”—Tanya lowered her voice—“was a big relief to everyone, so I guess some good did come out of it.”

  Grace could feel her palms go damp. She readjusted her grip on the phone. “Tanya, have . . . have any of Joe’s patients said anything about the show?”

  “I won’t lie to you, Grace. We got so many calls asking about the boyfriend club and the Speedway show that we had to send out a letter downplaying the whole incident.”

  “Has . . . has Joe lost patients over this?”

  “Well, some of Dr. Fred’s patients left to go to other dentists when he retired. That was to be expected. But after Speedway’s show we started getting a lot of cancellations, especially from our older patients who were a core part of the practice. I won’t deny that things have been a little rough the past month. That’s when we sent out the letter, giving Joe’s side of the story.”

  Grace felt like she was going to be sick. “I don’t remember getting a letter,” she said.

  “I think it would be very awkward for you to be a patient here after what’s happened. I can recommend several very good dentists who I think you would like.”

  “Thank you, Tanya,” Grace said, trying to keep her voice from wobbling. “I would appreciate that.”

  She opened the kitchen door to her parents’ house to find Abuela hemming Grace’s maid of honor dress.

  “Perfect timing!” Abuela said. “Here.” She handed Grace the gown. “Slip this on.”

  “Where’s Mami and Pop?” Grace placed her bag on the kitchen table and pulled off the Florida Charlie’s T-shirt over her head.

  “They went out to dinner,” Abuela said. “They wanted me to come along, but I had this dress to finish. And I knew you were coming, so I thought we would eat together. I made tostones.”

  “Yum.”

  Grace slipped the dress on. It was a simple cotton A-line halter sundress in lime green that hit just above the knee. For the actual ceremony, they would all go barefoot, since the wedding was taking place directly on the beach, but Grace had a pair of silver three-inch-heel sandals for the party afterward.

  “You’re going to look beautiful in this,” Abuela said. “How are you wearing your hair?”

  “Penny says she doesn’t care, so I thought I’d put it up. Ten minutes on the beach and it’ll be crazy looking if I don’t.”

  “Good idea.” She studied Grace a moment. “What’s wrong?”

  “Abuela, I . . . I need to apologize to someone, but I’m not sure how to do it.”

  “Just say you’re sorry.”

  “I already told him I’m sorry. I need to do something more than just words.”

  “Didn’t we have this same conversation a few months ago? You always make things too complicated! That’s why you’re the Tomato. It’s all those seeds inside you.”

  Abuela laid her hand over Grace’s cheek. It felt warm and firm and, for a second, Grace imagined she was a little girl again and she couldn’t help herself. The tears began to flow. And flow. And flow. She’d cried a lot in the past few weeks, but this was like someone had stuck a stick of dynamite in the dam, and now all the water was rushing out and she couldn’t stop it.

  “Gracielita! What’s wrong?”

  “Abuela, I’m so miserable! Well . . . I’m not totally miserable, because I have my old job back and everything is okay with Pop. And Charlie and Sarah are married, and now Penny and Butch are getting married, and Ellen doesn’t have to hide out in her apartment anymore because Speedway already has the picture of her panites. So everything seems right, only it’s not.”

  Abuela looked confused. “Let me get this right. You’re miserable because you don’t have someone special in your life?”

  Leave it to Abuela to figure it all out.

  “I do have someone special. At least, I did.”

  “Maybe a nice flan will do the trick.”

  “I already made him a flan.”

  Abuela smiled. “Gracielita, he’s the man you’re supposed to end up with.”

  “But you met Joe at the store and you told me he wasn’t the one!”

  “I did?”

  “Abuela,” Grace said, swiping the tears from her cheeks, “Did you even really have a dream?”

  “Of course I had a dream! I dreamed you were happily in love and got married. And it all began with flowers,” she insisted.

  Grace narrowed her eyes. “When did you have this dream?”

  “When you were a little girl.”

  “So, all those months ago when we were eating dinner and you made it sound like the dream was recent, it wasn’t?”

  Abuela shrugged. “I thought maybe if I told you about the dream it would give you a push. I certainly didn’t think it would hurt.”

  “But . . . that day at the store. Why did you tell me Joe wasn’t the one?”

  “I knew there were two men,” she said with a frown, “only I had no idea who the right one was. The one who sent you the roses, I thought he must be the one because, like I just told you, I saw flowers in my dream.” She shook her head. “But I must have misinterpreted the meaning, because the man you made the flan for, he’s the one you’re supposed to end up with. I know that now.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “I saw the look in your eyes when you made the flan. That’s all I needed to know.”

  Grace started to laugh. It seemed she’d been doing a lot of that lately. Crying one minute, laughing the next. “Abuela, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  “That’s what love does to you,” Abuela sighed.

  “Yeah, but I’ve had this happen before and I’ve always bounced back.”

  Abuela took off her sewing glasses. “Gracielita, how long have you and this man been broken up?”

  “A month.”

  “Practically a lifetime!” She scowled. “A month is nothing. And if you’ve really gotten over your other big love affairs so quickly, then maybe that ought to tell you something.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The St. Valentine’s Day Curse. Bah! What it is really, Gracielita? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s an excuse you’ve made up in that tomato head of yours filled with the seeds.”

  Abuela had been right about more than one thing. Grace had never had her heart broken before. Not like this. It had never occurred to her, but the truth was, she was the one who’d always done the breaking up. Or else, she’d pick some guy like Felix, who, deep down, she knew she could never really love. And if she could never really love him, then he couldn’t really hurt her, could he?
The stripper debacle had wounded Grace’s pride more than anything else.

  But to be truly in love meant to be vulnerable. To give up your power to someone else. Like Sarah had done with Charlie. It was scary, to be sure, but the payoff had been worth it for her.

  “Abuela,” Grace asked, staring at the azabache hanging around Abuela’s neck, “do you even believe in curses?”

  “Only the ones we put on ourselves, mi amor.”

  37

  What Goes Around, Comes Around

  Grace picked up her phone. She dialed Sarah first, then Penny, and told them what she planned to do. They both tried to talk her out of it, but Grace was insistent. Ellen volunteered to come over for moral support and Grace decided to take her up on it.

  “This is the bravest thing you’ve ever done,” Ellen said.

  “You did it.”

  “Yes, but at the time I had no idea. I mean, I knew he was powerful, but I wasn’t expecting what I got,” Ellen said.

  “You make him sound like Darth Vader.”

  “He’ll make you sound like an idiot. He does that to everyone.”

  “I know, but I have to do it, Ellen.” Grace paused. “You met him, right? When you gave him the picture of your panties. What’s he like?”

  “Jerry’s actually kind of cute. That’s Speedway’s real name by the way. Jerry Pike.”

  “Don’t say he’s cute. I like thinking of him as this big hairy tarantula sitting behind a desk with a mic.”

  Ellen giggled. “Think of him naked.”

  “Ew.”

  “That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re on stage and you’re nervous. You look out into the audience and you picture them naked and it gives you a boost of confidence.”

  “Okay, I guess I can try that.” Grace picked up her phone and dialed. “What if he doesn’t take my call?”

  “Oh, he’ll take your call. He gave you an open invitation, right?”

  “Yeah, but that was more than a month ago. The boyfriend club thing has kind of died out.”

  Ellen made a pained face. “Not really, Grace. I get calls on it every day.”