Liv,
There is no easy way to say this but I’ve rented an apartment across town. Things are spiraling out of control and it would be easier if I just left. I will have Brody be in contact for arrangements with the girls.
Take care.
Jax
Leaning onto the kitchen counter for support, she stared at the note in shock, her knees locking.
He left?
Jax left?
My Jax?
What?
Her arms and legs seizing to move simultaneously, the loud ring inside her ears turned louder by the second, her body feeling as if it was preparing to shut down. Why would he leave her? Why would he just up and leave with nothing but a note? This wasn’t Jax. No. Something wasn’t right. Sure he had seemed tense and withdrawn the last few weeks, but she blamed it on the stress from the contract negotiations that had just ended and the publicity from those ridiculous rumors, having his name and reputation dragged through the mud. She knew she wasn’t herself either. Had been overwhelmed, the nervous breakdown draining her mentally and physically, but it wasn’t for any other reason than she was being pulled in too many directions, but had she been so awful? Bad enough for him to leave his family with nothing more than a lousy note?
Fighting off the urge to run to the bathroom and be sick, she wanted to crawl into a hole and just disappear. This was too much. All of this was just too much. Tears threatening her eyes, she choked on a loud sob. Picking her cell phone up off the counter, she struggled pushing his name on the recent call list. The piercing sound of the ringing burned her ears, dragging on, being sent to voicemail. With every unanswered ring, a piece of her heart perished. Trying four more times, every call rejected faster than the last, his rough voice over his voicemail tortured her, and she knew. Knew that he didn’t want to talk to her. And knew he really was gone.
“Mama?” Hailey’s little voice broke the silence inside the kitchen. Turning around, she struggled to collect herself, quickly wiping away any evidence of distress off her face, seeing her daughters standing in the doorway with their ballet slippers on their small feet.
How am I going to explain this to them?
Noticing Hailey’s increasing anxiety growing all over her pretty little face, Alivia plastered on a fake smile.
“Of course pumpkins! I just missed my girls so much today, that’s all!”
She lied bending down on her knee, waving them over to give her a hug.
Wrapping their small arms around her neck and shoulders, she hugged both girls a little longer and squeezed a little tighter than she should have, wanting nothing more than to hold onto them, making sure they didn’t leave her too.
“Okay, let’s get going, I can’t wait to see your dance routine.” She cleared her throat, reluctantly releasing the girls and jumping up, using every bit of energy she wasn’t even completely convinced she had anymore to grab her keys and rush them all out the door. And because she was a mommy, she would have to just break down and crawl inside that hole a little later.
7
Swiping his key fob, Jax opened the security door to the training complex, immediately assaulted with the familiar scent of iron and sweat. During the season, the facility was his home away from home and in a desperate attempt for something to temporarily take his mind off the mental and emotional torture of his marriage situation, he spent every day inside the four walls conditioning, watching film and working closely with his trainers; but mostly pushing his body to the point of physical pain.
Reaching his coach’s office, he shook his head at the shouting coming from the slightly open door as he quietly slipped inside, his coach’s back to him screaming into the phone. Sliding into a chair across from the disorganized mahogany desk, he sat back to enjoy the show.
“I don’t care what you think the little shit is worth, he was a first round draft pick,” Coach screamed louder, his bald head changing an impressive shade of red.
“I need an exceptional running back on my field this season and I can’t keep him focused if he’s worried about what kind of bullshit contract you want to sign him to.”
Head Coach Michael Griffin was an angry man. A very determined, very smart, but very angry man who was used to getting what he wanted through sheer force. He knew the game better than any other coach Jax had ever played for, but it was his knowhow of the other game; the brutal match between what management felt was right for the franchise and what the coaches knew was best for the team that allowed Griffin to continue to run a well-balanced, well paid, and well accomplished team. He forced his nose in where it probably didn’t belong, but it worked. Jax’s respect for his coach ran deep, not only because he was the toughest son of a bitch he had ever met, but he appreciated Coach for all he had done for him since coming to the Mavs and for being someone he could look up to, like a father figure, like the kind he never had.
“What the hell!” Griffin turned around gripping his chest, his blue pullover fleece bunching under his grasp. “You trying to give me a heart attack, Monaghan?” he hollered as if still on the phone. Crashing down into his leather chair, he scratched his bald head violently.
“Yes,” Jax snickered. “I’m ready for a career change and I want your job and the only way you’ll ever leave here-”
“-is in a body bag,” Griffin finished his infamous adage. The one that Jax and every other member of the Mavs had heard from the head coach since they began with the organization. He loved pushing the man’s buttons to help him calm down before he got so worked up giving himself a real heart attack.
“What do you want?” Griffin complained, digging through the mass of papers littering his desk.
“Just thought I’d come in and look at some film and work on some strategies for minicamp.”
Griffin stopped shuffling his papers. Lifting his head, his tight face softened a bit.
“As much as I appreciate your concern and commitment for the upcoming season,” he said, looking Jax square in the eyes. “And believe me I do,” he stressed. “Go home Monaghan. You’re here for hours at a time every single day. Most of the guys are on vacation and spending the last few months left with their families before all of us head out to Spartanburg for training camp,” Griffin said, shaking his head. “And you know all of this already, so please, just go home to that beautiful family of yours.”
Coach didn’t know about him and Liv and he wanted to keep it that way. He was ashamed and fairly certain that Griffin would have kicked his ass if he found out. Coach adored Liv, hell, everyone did, but if he found out that Jax left her and the girls last year, he would have killed him. Plus, it would have just been one more thing for Coach to worry about last season when he had already been a raging lunatic trying all he could do to keep Jax on the Mavs for good.
“One of the perks of being a franchise quarterback is that you don’t need to be here day in and day out during the off-season fighting for your position on the team anymore.” Griffin continued his lecture.
Jax didn’t see it that way though. Yes, it was easier knowing that all the uncertainties of a future contract or possible trades were gone, and he knew that he could keep his family in a city that they all loved, instead of uprooting them. NFL really meant “Not For Long” and he was proud to one day retire as a Mav, but that didn’t mean he could kick back and relax. If anything, he felt the pressure now more than ever to prove to his teammates, the front office, and his fans that he not only belonged on this team, but that he deserved the franchise position.
“Am I going to have to kick you out of here myself?” Griffin scoffed looking bored with the conversation.
Standing up, Jax took his time walking to the door. Was he really getting kicked out of his coach’s office for wanting to work?
“Fine, but don’t come crying to me when these little boys are collapsing all over the field come June,” he said turning to look back at his grumpy mentor.
“Goodbye Monaghan.”
Pushing open the back do
or to the complex Jax walked back out into the resilient afternoon sun. Maybe he should work out again? Or possibly call Trevor to meet for lunch. Or maybe, he should track down his wife and resolve a few things between them like he had originally intended. Taking large strides across the courtyard towards the Keystone Stadium, he released a rush of air to focus his mind. He needed to think of an approach with Liv. He hadn’t expected when he came home that she would be so anxious. Sure, he knew she would be mad, or hell, he’d even give her furious, but not nervous. He figured that if he gave her some space and tried to lighten the mood a bit, she would ease up, but damn if he hadn’t missed the mark on that one.
Passing by the large walls bonded with giant pictures of him and his teammates from big game days and the Super Bowl two years ago, he made his way towards the locker room.
Turning the corner he entered the unmistakably large room, the Mavs’ wave logo in the center of the floor with sixty immaculate lockers lining each wall. The circular room was empty as per usual for this time of year, but as he moved closer stopping in front of his locker, he saw his teammate Shay tying his shoes, getting ready to leave.
“You’re here again?” Shay asked, shaking his head. “Dude you seriously need to get a life!”
SShay Cunningham was a cocky son of a bitch. Being young, rich, and having the potential to be one of the greatest wide receivers in the game would do that to a man. His stats were high, his speed unmatched and as long as he kept his nose clean and followed his coach’s precise instructions, Jax knew the kid would have one hell of a career ahead of him.
“Oh please, I don’t need to take advice about getting a life from a guy who spent most of the off-season on my sofa watching Family Guy reruns.” Jax rolled his eyes reaching into his locker for his headphones.
Chuckling, Shay’s laugh echoed inside the empty room, stretching his long arms over his head, holding the stretch.
“Yeah well, I don’t need those reruns tonight, brotha. Just came to get in a quick pump before my hot date with a very leggy and very needy red head.”
“You forgot to mention, very desperate,” Jax snickered.
His arrogant teammate was what most would consider a playboy, earning him his nickname Casanova. Sitting VIP in clubs and sports bars around the city, he was treated like royalty by fans and business owners, gaining endorsement deals out the ass and having his pick of women. But Jax couldn’t fault him. Shay did what they all had done at one time and Jax was harder on him than his other teammates because although he’d never admit it the arrogant ass, he saw an immense amount of potential in Shay and he wanted to keep the kid as grounded and focused as he possibly could.
“Whoa, sounds like somebody needs to start getting his horn blown,” Shay laughed snatching his gym bag off the bench.
“Yeah, well Matthews has a better chance of getting that right now than I do,” Jax muttered referring to the awkward equipment manager that creeped all the players out.
He hadn’t wanted any of his teammates knowing about his personal business with Liv. He was the captain of the team and respect and boundaries needed to be in place in order to sustain a balanced team, but even though the cocky sucker annoyed the crap out of him, Shay was his friend and just as Liv had drilled into him for years, “friends were family.”
“Dude! Please, tell me that you’re sleeping in the same bed as your smokin’ hot wife and that you’re tapping that,” Shay exaggerated. “Multiple times?”
He didn’t know what bothered him more, the fact that the bastard had just called his wife “smokin’ hot” with that shit-eating grin on his face or that Shay was getting more action than he was.
“Kiss my ass, Cunningham,” Jax scoffed, slipping his headphones around his neck before slamming down on the bench. The term sexually frustrated didn’t even begin to scrape the surface of what he was feeling. It had been almost a year without Liv. Without kissing her and running his mouth along her sensitive neck. Hell, he’d just about give his left nut to hold her again. Be with her again.
Laughing, Shay’s hand slapped his back, as he sat next to him. “But seriously dude, you didn’t work things out yet?” he asked, more concerned. Which bothered him. He hated sympathy, especially from a friend, least of all a teammate.
“No.”
Resting his elbows on his legs, he leaned forward. When Liv got ready to leave for brunch on Sunday he tried his best to lighten the mood by the pool and joke around about getting some “suga” as she called it, but it did nothing but piss her off even more. Thinking about that woman and her “suga” had him thinking all kinds of things. But after she rushed off in a huff, any hopes he had of keeping things simple and pleasant had came and went with her. She had suggested the minute she walked in the door when she had got home later that day to go to the park for a picnic and then some shopping at the pier. Of course all of that hadn’t included him. She took the girls and left all day, even staying out past dinnertime. She hadn’t even had the decency to leave Mr. Beans behind; nope, she took the dog too. By the time they all got home, she shuffled the girls upstairs to take a bath and get them into bed, following suit herself. Leaving him with more silence and that damn guest bed that was killing his back.
He wanted nothing more than to apologize, hell, he’d even grovel if he had to, then tell her that he loved her and then spend the rest of the night rolling around in the sheets. But as much as that fantasy tightened his gut, it couldn’t happen. He left for a reason and nothing had changed other than the fact that she had gotten better, only proving him right that without him, she was better off. And he loved her more than enough to keep her happy and healthy.
“Well, what’s the plan, Captain?” Shay asked.
Truth be told he didn’t exactly have a strategy, which was completely mindboggling to him because he always had a plan. He deliberated plays and calculated strategies for a living, yet when it came to Liv, he was coming up empty. Just because he couldn’t be with her anymore didn’t mean he wanted things to be like this. Strained and tense and uncomfortable. But all of that was his fault too. He had come home to make it right between them. Civilized. For the girls. And maybe selfishly because he didn’t want to go another day with her hating him and thinking he didn’t care for her, or worse, didn’t love her. But seeing how withdrawn and anxious she was around him threw him for a loop. Had she been that frightened the entire time he was gone?
“I don’t know, she won’t even stay in a room long enough with me to say a single word,” he said taking off his hat, rubbing his head. “I guess I can’t blame her though.”
He was tired from sleepless nights, confused about just how scared Liv seemed around him and frustrated…both mentally and sexually. He knew things would be tense between them at first, but being so close to her again, the tension was getting to him, more than he originally thought it would. The silence gnawed at him and the fact that he was in such close proximity to her was making it even harder to keep his control. From the moment he woke up in the morning to the minute he finally fell asleep at night, his hands itched to be on her. He wanted nothing more than to be on the receiving end of her incredible smile too. The one that always made him believe that everything would be okay no matter what the problem was and the one that she shared with both of their daughters. The smile that made him fall in love with her over and over again. Watching her go about her normal routine with the girls everyday nearly had him dropping to his knees begging to be a part of that again. To be a part of his family. He was on the outside looking in and he despised it. But he also needed to get used to it.
He and his life nearly destroyed her and he watched as his beautiful, vivacious wife fell apart right in front of him. Too much pressure and too many expectations for one person to fill and so she had collapsed at an event because she pushed herself too far…for him. Instead of taking it as a warning sign and taking it easy afterwards, the demands of her business and the girls and following him around to games and planning events fo
r the Mavs became overwhelming. He helped her as much as he could, but even then it wasn’t enough. The uncertainties of his contract and wondering every day if they were staying in Charleston or moving to another city would have been enough, but when the infidelity rumors hit, throwing him and his family into the throngs of the media before they were proven untrue, the stress of it all triggering her breakdown. He had found her trembling and incoherent before going into hysteria on the floor in the middle of their bedroom closet. The sight of her shrieking sobs and uncontrollable shaking in the midst of shoes and clothes, gasping for air had felt like a knife to his chest. He would have preferred the knife rather than watching his wife in that state. It hit too close to home for him and he refused to be the reason she was unhappy. Refused to allow himself and the demands of his life drive her into a depression or worse. He couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t destroy his wife the way his father destroyed his mother. So he did the only thing he thought would work. He left. For better or worse, he had spent days convincing himself that she and the girls would be better off without him and the turmoil and pressures that followed him. He also knew that if he waited for her to come home from picking up the girls from school that day, he wouldn’t have mustered the courage to do it. To leave his family. She would have given him a long line of excuses as to why it wasn’t his fault and convinced him that she was fine, and like only she had the power to do, she’d have pleaded with him and he would have given in and stayed. He was the one destroying her and so he had left a small, meaningless note that haunted him, every moment of every day.
“I don’t know why you’re torturing yourself,” Shay said, smacking him on his arm to reclaim his attention.
False Start (Mavericks #1) Page 9