He was alone.
Reporters still asked about the Monaghan legacy and he avoided the chatter as best as he could. The fact that he was even linked to the man made his stomach sour.
Taking another swig of his drink, he allowed the liquid to burn down his throat. He would be damned if he was going to destroy Liv that way. When he got the call while on the road that she had collapsed, he had convinced himself it was an isolated circumstance. But when she began suffering routine panic attacks before shutting down and withdrawing from him and the girls, he knew there was a problem. His life was chaotic and as much as he tried to shield his family, Liv was just as involved in the organization and the community as he was. After the ridiculous infidelity rumors broke, he watched her crumble, any strength she had left withering away. His heart ripped out of his chest finding her in the middle of her closet having a nervous breakdown. The tears, the sobs and the hysteria still haunting him. He knew then that he had to leave to protect her and give her the space and calmness that she needed to get better. Away from the expectations, away from the chaos and away from him.
12
Resting against the plush pillows, Alivia stared out the balcony doors at the bright Floridian sun collecting enough oomph to get up after her crying escapade the night before.
Because I was the reason you were falling apart.
With Jax’s admission replaying in her head for over two hours she finally slid out of bed, shedding the dress she still wore from dinner. Stepping into the shower, she scrubbed away the mascara staining her face, soaped up her hair, and wished she could just as easily wash away the sizeable weight resting against her chest. Standing under the water she closed her eyes picturing the agony on his face. Was this real life? Or just an extension of the already miserable nightmare she had been living for the better part of the past year? Glancing at the clock, she had a few minutes before she needed to meet everyone for breakfast, her stomach spinning at the mere thought of having to see Jax again. Sliding on her sandals, she opened the bedroom door, but he was nowhere to be found. The folded blankets and stacked pillows on the couch across the room didn’t even look used.
Had he even slept here?
Arriving downstairs at the pavilion restaurant overlooking the ocean, she spotted Chelsea with Trevor sitting under an umbrella. Of course she knew she was late, but it seemed as though everybody else was too.
“Good morning,” she said, placing her clutch on the table, sitting across from the lovebirds.
“Morning!” They said at the same time, smirking ear to ear.
Could they seriously be any cuter?
Slipping on her sunglasses to shield the warm morning sun, she picked up a menu.
“Where is everybody?”
“Well, Shannon and Charlotte didn’t answer the door when I knocked this morning,” Chelsea explained.
“And the two buttheads didn’t answer theirs either,” Trevor shook his head taking a sip of orange juice.
“Interesting,” Alivia smirked, looking over the plastic covered menu. She wasn’t all that surprised. If Shay’s intoxication was any indication on how the night had went, she assumed they were all up pretty late.
“Where’s Jax?”
Skimming over the menu, she didn’t look up. “I don’t know. I just assumed he was already down here. When I woke up this morning he was already gone.”
“What aren’t you saying?” Chelsea asked.
Leaning into the table, Alivia lifted her sunglasses up on top of her head. “I really don’t want to get into it.”
“Spill it,” Trevor ordered, nearly cutting her off. She knew that Jax had confided in Trevor and now knowing the heavy burden he had placed on himself, she was grateful that he had someone to confide in, even if that person hadn’t been her. And now looking at the two sets of brown eyes staring back her, she knew she wasn’t getting out of this breakfast unscathed.
“Last night after dinner, we went to say goodnight to the girls before they went to bed and everything was fine. We signed off with Magda and headed back to our room,” she paused, allowing the waitress to refill their juices. She didn’t want to mention the “almost kiss” between them. The one that still had her cheeks burning.
“He said that he wanted to talk and I just completely freaked,” she exhaled, stabbing a ripe strawberry with her fork. “Anyway, when I refused to listen to him, we both got angry and he said the most ridiculous thing.”
Wiping the condensation from her water glass, Chelsea’s eyebrows drew. “What did he say?”
“That he was the reason I fell apart and so he had left,” Alivia explained, looking at them both for affirmation at how incredibly ridiculous that statement was. Because it was, in fact, absolutely absurd. “Oh, and that he refused to destroy me the way his father destroyed his mother.”
Looking at each other a moment, Trevor cleared his throat resting against the table.
“Liv, he couldn’t be there for you. And I mean truly there for you, and it was rough on him. He also took full responsibility for what that psychotic bitch did, spurring those rumors like that. I wasn’t all that surprised when he told me he thought everything was taking a toll on you. Even less surprised that he was blaming himself.” Trevor reached over patting her hand. “But bottom line, Liv. He loves you. He always has.”
Fairly certain the piece of French toast she had just ate was going to come up, she stared back at Trevor. Did Jax really blame himself? He was the most important person in her life. He wasn’t hurting her. Was it hard dealing with the complicated situation with her father alone, attending his funeral without him holding her and helping her sort out her regrets? Absolutely. Did she want him to stay with her when she felt herself losing control? Of course. Those kind of emotions with the constant expectations she placed on herself had been too much for any sane person to handle and so she had hit rock bottom. But that hadn’t been his doing.
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”
“Because honestly, we all wanted the same thing,” Trevor said narrowing in on her. “For you to get healthy again.”
Knowing that Trevor knew all of this didn’t mean it hurt any less, hating that it had taken her this long to find out that Jax had been blaming himself this entire time.
“Plus, it wasn’t my place to tell you.” He popped a small piece of toast into his mouth. “Jax needed to be the one.”
Snickering across the table, Chelsea crossed her arms with no intention of hiding her irritation.
“Not even your fiancée?”
“Sorry babe, bro code,” he grinned, wrapping his arm around her shoulder despite her aggravation.
“I just figured that once you were back on your feet, you two could just smooth over this little hiccup and resume walking around being nauseatingly in love.”
“Oh like y’all are ones to talk?” she asked, pointing between him and Chelsea.
Grinning, he brought Chelsea closer, kissing her temple.
“I just never expected you both to be so damn stubborn,” he accused.
He was right. She had been stubborn. But it was only because she had the girls to worry about and she was scared out of her mind. She was always in control of her life, one step ahead at all times and when Jax had left she knew she had a choice to either crawl up into a ball and give up or fight back like hell for herself and for her daughters. She had chosen to fight, but in that fight she kept all her emotions and anger and hurt locked away tightly, refusing to acknowledge them.
“You two belong together Liv. All this other bullshit can be worked out,” Trevor ordered, taking a sip of water to clear his throat. “You need to hear him out.”
That’s an understatement.
Getting up from the table, she gave Chelsea a hug, before doing the same with Trevor.
“Thank you,” she said picking up her purse. “Both of you.”
She had been lost and scared without Jax but she should have fought harder. She knew about his mother and his father and
should have known better. Should have connected the dots. He was fiercely protective, always had been, but she never imagined that he’d be protecting her from himself. Stepping out of the restaurant she took out her phone, dialing his number. She needed to find a certain captain and set a few things straight.
* * *
Resting against the warm wooden bench, Jax leaned his head against the hot wall, drawing in the steam filling the sauna. He hadn’t slept a wink because all he could do was think about Liv. There had been so many times he wanted to tell her the truth and last night had seemed like the perfect opportunity. She had been relaxed, comfortable even, in his company, but he had to go and screw it all up by trying to kiss her. As much as he wanted his chance to explain himself and his actions, the urge to touch her had won, ultimately freaking her out. She had been driving him crazy with her body, her smiles and her laughter since she had slammed into him when he moved back into the house, all of it finally catching up with him. He couldn’t stop fantasizing about her full breasts in his hands and her sweet pink lips on his mouth. He wanted her long legs wrapped around his waist as she whispered into his ear in her breathy voice when he knew he was satisfying her.
Banging his head against the wall, he refocused on the issue at hand. He needed to stop thinking about sex with her. He had no right to expect that or even want that from her. He couldn’t make her happy and the last thing he needed was complicating things further. Resting his arms on his knees, beads of sweat dripped from his body as the air turned thick, making it harder to breath. He had gone for his morning run and worked out in the weight room before sitting in the sauna to help clear his mind, but even that wasn’t helping. He knew he should have gone to breakfast with everyone and he felt bad about that, but he figured she needed space and he needed to collect himself before deciding what his next move was going to be. He wasn’t giving up on his quest to explain everything to her, of that he knew, but instead of trying to force her to talk to him and pulling bonehead moves like trying to kiss her, he needed to just back off and let her come around in her own time. She wasn’t ready yet, he knew that, yet he had still pushed and it was blowing up in his face.
Making his way out the small door, he sucked in a breath of cold air, grabbing his bag, before heading for the showers. He needed to meet up with the group at the pool by noon. Taking a quick shower, he threw on his swim trunks and a tank top making his way out the side door and around to the resort pool. Outside under the hot sun, he slipped on his Ray-Bans, immediately struck with the loud music and the smell of tanning oil as a young female employee gave him a towel and a large grin. The place was jumping, people lounging on chairs built inside the pool by the swim up bar, the crystal blue water mirroring the same color as the ocean that stood off into the distance. Walking to the cabana, he slapped Trevor on the back throwing down his bag on a lounge chair.
“What’s good?” Jax asked, shaking hands with Myles and Shay.
“Missed you at breakfast today.” Trevor pointed out, handing him a beer and taking a sip of his own.
“Yeah, sorry about that, I got caught up in my workout,” Jax lied. He knew full well Trevor knew he was full of shit.
“Don’t feel too bad, Cap,” Myles chuckled, cupping Trevor on the shoulder. “We all missed breakfast.”
“And why is that?” Jax asked, looking between Shay and Myles. He knew good and well why they had missed breakfast, but he wanted to hear the stories. Anything to get his mind off his own miserable night.
“Dude, it was terrible,” Shay groaned. “All the girl wanted to do was talk!”
Laughing, Jax took a swig of his beer. “But I thought you said we’d be hearing animal noises coming from your room?”
Scoffing, Shay took another sip of his water.
“And why are you smiling?” Jax asked Myles, the big guy trying to hide a dumb ass grin on his face.
“Me?” he asked innocently, turning around to sit on a chair behind them. “No reason, Cap.”
Odd behavior from the man that had mooned them on the trip down here for Christ’s sake.
“Yeah, you never told us how the rest of your night went.” Shay tapped Myles’ shoulder.
“What happened with Charlotte?”
“Charlotte?”
“Charlie?”
He and Trevor both asked looking down at the two-hundred and eighty pound tackle blushing like a damn fool.
“It was fine,” he answered coyly, a grin resting on his face as he took another swig of his Miller Lite; making it good and clear he wasn’t going to mention any more about his night with Liv’s office manager.
“Didn’t see that one coming,” Jax snickered, taking a drink.
Tipping his Heineken across the pool, Trevor smirked. “Speaking of Charlie, here she comes now. Along with her angels.”
Jax hadn’t noticed the other women, his eyes immediately falling on Liv wearing a black bikini. Laughing at something Chelsea said, her breasts bouncing with every step she took. Convinced he was the subject of another sick joke being played on him, he wondered how much more he could take of looking without touching. Dark sunglasses and a black beach hat covering her face, she and the other women arranged their towels and bags down on the lounge chairs. Wrapping her arms around Trevor’s neck, Chelsea brought him down for a kiss, as Charlotte walked past him sitting down next to Myles. Shannon started for Shay before he made an excuse to go find a bathroom and Jax noticed Liv watching him, taking her sunglasses off. Desperate to walk over and claim that mouth while he ran his hands over his own wife, he wrestled with his self-control. And after almost doing just that last night, it was best if he just kept his distance as he placed his beer down, grabbing his duffel bag. Was it always going to be this fucking hard? Was he always going to want to tackle her every time he was in her company?
Fishing out his sunscreen, he squirted some into his hands. Living in Florida most of his life, he was convinced he would die with a suntan, but being Irish blood, he also discerned that he could fry under the strong sun. Rubbing the white lotion on his bicep, he noticed Shannon, a small smile on her face. Taking the sunscreen straight from his hands, she squirted some lotion into her palm. “Here, sweetheart, let me help you.”r. Rubbing the white lotion on his bicep, he noticed Shannon, a small smile on her face. Taking the sunscreen straight from his hands, she squirted some lotion into her palm. “Here, sweetheart, let me help you.”
As if having another woman rub her hands on him wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Shannon resembled Chelsea way too much. It was like having his best friend’s girl rub her hands on him. Ready to extract himself from her, he saw a flash of blonde hair before Liv grabbed the sunblock from Shannon, putting herself in between them.
“I got it from here, darlin’.”
It was impossible to miss the territorial glare in her eyes that he had seen a time or two before, and he gave Shannon no indication that he was going to object to his wife rubbing her soft hands on him. Eyeing the two of them, she walked off as Liv rubbed sunblock into her hands, looking behind him in the direction Shannon had left.
“A little heavy on the southern hospitality, huh?”
She was jealous. And it was cute. She knew women would proposition him because of his profession and as much as he had always reassured her that he would never and could never be with any other woman other than her, it still made him feel good that she got a little possessive. Because whether she wanted to believe it right now or not, he would always be hers. Hesitating a moment, Liv brushed the lotion onto his shoulders and he could feel her breath on his skin despite the hot day. Her hands felt like an angel, as he closed his eyes behind his glasses taking in her touch. How many nights had he dreamed of the same hands on him? Touching him? Certainly he had lost count. Opening his eyes, he looked down at her, but she was already staring up at him.
“Jax, you were right, we do need to talk,” she admitted nervously, moving her hands across his chest and reapplying more sunblock. He had to
admit, her timing was impeccable. With her touching him like this, he would do anything she wanted.
Except for talking.
They had done enough of the heavy during this trip and it had blown up in his face. He wanted her to have fun and at the very least, he wanted to have fun with her. She deserved that much.
“Its fine, Star,” he assured, stopping her hands over his chest. “Let’s just have fun,” he smiled not breaking her stare. “You’ve worked too hard to make this weekend great, I want you to enjoy it.”
He wanted to give her what she wanted. Maybe even a little more, but before he let temptation get in the way again, he scooped her over his shoulder, jumping off the side of the pool. The cool water swallowing them, he grabbed her hips against his, feeling her long legs wrap around his waist, her arms around his neck, before pushing them up back to the surface. Shaking the water out of his eyes, he couldn’t help but laugh at the look on her face. Still holding onto him with one arm, she wiped her face.
“Are you crazy?!” she cried.
“About you.”
And he immediately wanted to kick his own ass. He was playing with fire here, daring an already complicated situation into a full blown disaster. Sensing her breathing pick up, he had a quick vision of placing his lips to her throat, feeling the speed of her pulse under his lips. Unable to ignore her eyes falling to his mouth, the pull between them suffocating, he tightened his grip around her smooth waist, enjoying how fast her heart was beating against his body. Water splashing across their faces, their friends surrounded them, all following their lead and jumping into the water for relief from the intense heat. Pulling away quickly, Liv untangled herself from him, as he silently thanked the good Lord above for salvation from his clear loss of sanity once again.
The rest of the day had been one big, mildly inappropriate celebration of his best friends getting married and he couldn’t remember the last time he had so much fun. Aside from his daughters, he had everyone that really meant something to him all in one place. The guys hung out in the pool challenging each other to rounds of volleyball, while the women relaxed on their chairs inside the pool with their drinks. After a long day in the sun, he and Liv slowly made their way back to their suite laughing the whole way over Myles volunteering to have a group of fifty-something year old women do body shots off the man’s enormous belly. They were both a little buzzed, but mostly they were just having fun. Something he had missed having with her. He had almost forgotten just how witty his sweet little wife was, how she laughed with her entire body and how much she enjoyed a dirty joke.
False Start (Mavericks #1) Page 17