She was quiet a moment before continuing and he wiped the tears off her perfectly pained face.
“I used to feel like I was slipping into this dark place. This place full of anxiety and fear and feeling like the walls were caving in around me. I was losing all control and was grasping for things that were falling apart around me,” she said shaking her head.
“After you left, I knew I lost it all and the dark place seemed okay at first because besides the girls, I had nothing left,” she explained searching his face for a reaction.
Jax’s heart smashed at the thought of the pain she had endured. And the thought that he had almost lost her because of it, scared him to death. He hadn’t known how to help her back then and that scared the shit out of him. But leaving hadn’t been the answer and leaving now was no longer an option, so he would do whatever he needed to do to make sure she was healthy again.
“I understand that I wasn’t a great person to be around and in a way I don’t blame you for leaving-.”
“Liv, stop,” he demanded through his teeth, looking across the room. He couldn’t let her think this was her fault. And because he knew her so well, she would find ways to blame herself for all of this. “You weren’t a terrible person to be around and I didn’t want to leave.” He shook his head focusing on the diagonal seam on the comforter. He couldn’t look her in the eye. He hadn’t earned that right.
“The truth is, I left because I thought that the pressures I brought onto this family between being on the road, the contract negotiations and the media frenzy from that rumor was too much for you, and too much for the girls,” he said concentrating on the wall. “But it wasn’t the only reason.”
He needed to be brutally honest with her. Needed her to know it all. The truth.
“It’s because I refused,” he demanded. “Refuse,” he corrected, “to do to you what my father really did to my mother. I wasn’t going to lose you like that.”
Watching her face soften, he felt guilty as she moved closer beside him. He had told her over the years they had been together how his father destroyed their family and how it had taken a toll on his mother, but she didn’t know the whole truth about his mother’s death. It was a part of his life that was garbage. And he’d be damned if he was going to allow that garbage anywhere near his family. She looked confused, as he knew she would be, watching her try to mentally connect the dots in her mind, but she wouldn’t.
“What do you mean?’ she asked. “Your mom died in her sleep of heart failure. That was nobody’s fault.”
Licking his dry lips, he didn’t want to lie to her anymore and if she was going to forgive him than he finally needed to be honest with her. He owed her that.
“No,” he said, taking in a deep breath and releasing it. He hated talking about this; it was like reliving the moment he had found his sweet mother lifeless in bed all over again. But he would do anything to get Liv’s trust back. Even if it meant feeling a part of his heart rip out of his chest in the process.
“My mother took her own life,” he said flatly, looking Liv straight in the eye. Watching her face change from confusion to shock in a blink of an eye, she covered her mouth with one hand, placing her other on his chest.
“But…” she stuttered, shaking her head.
“I know what I told you, but the truth is that she killed herself and it was because she was depressed.” he explained, leaning his head back on the headboard while staring at the ceiling. He had only cried once in his life. His father made sure of that, teaching him to never show any signs of weakness. And because he wanted to earn his father’s love and attention, he self-taught himself never to cry. He had come close a few times though, the moment he saw Liv walk towards him at their wedding, the day the girls were born safely after the scare, and the day he left his family. But years of skilled resolve stepped in before he had a chance to give in. He did cry once though, that one time, quietly and to himself the day that he had found his mother.
Watching Liv cry enough for the both of them, he pulled her back against his chest, her tears flooding his bare skin.
“My beautiful mother was just an accessory to my father and he had destroyed her,” he said, running his hand down her back. He hated even speaking of his prick of a father, but Liv needed to hear this. “When my mom began drinking and pill popping the pain away, my father didn’t even flinch. As long as she kept up appearances, he hadn’t given a shit. She had been too afraid to leave him and as fucked up as it was, she still loved him. So she stayed until the day I lost her,” he murmured, lifting Liv’s chin up to look at him.
“I saw you becoming depressed and with all the bullshit stories dragging this family through the mud, I refused to let history repeat itself,” he insisted, his eyes locking on her wet baby blues.
She had to believe him on that. He needed her to really understand. “I’m sorry that I left, but you got better, Liv,” he stressed. “And that’s all it was about. You and the girls,” he promised. If she took anything away from his omission, he needed it be that.
She was quiet, wiping her tears away and studying him. Moving on top of him, she straddled him, her legs on either side, taking his face into her hands.
“You listen to me Jax Monaghan. You are not your father.”
Turning away, she grabbed his face harder forcing him to look at her. “You are a good man,” she insisted rubbing the side of his cheek with her thumb. “You’re a wonderful husband and an excellent father.”
No. He wasn’t a wonderful husband or father, he was a coward. He had left his family when they needed him most because he was too scared of losing them for good. They were his heart, his soul and they were the only family he had in this world and he couldn’t lose them.
“I understand more clearly now why you did what you did, but Jax, you could never make me unhappy,” she smiled, kissing his lips softly. “Because you are my happiness.”
He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that until the words left her mouth. Pulling her against him, she rested at the base of his neck, his heart lodged into his throat.
“And I don’t want to waste any more time,” she whispered against his neck.
“I love you, Jax.”
He hadn’t thought it was possible to love this woman any more than he did in that moment, as he brought her up, holding her face inside his hands.
“Promise me you’ll never leave us again,” she whispered, the desperation in her voice shaking his soul.
“I promise.”
16
Wishing she had a pause button, just a small little button to freeze everything while she caught her breath, Alivia pulled into the parking lot of her last destination of the day.
Running around town with Ross making final decisions on everything from linens to liquor for the draft party, volunteering at the girls’ school, and beginning Chelsea and Trevor’s dreaded seating arrangements, all before darting off to a dress fitting, the day had been one for the books; and one fueled by an obscene amount of caffeine. But despite the hectic day, she was happy she still had managed to squeeze in a quick chat with her mama.
Caroline Moore was Alivia’s hero. After her father had left, her mama, who had no skills outside of making a home beautiful and raising a daughter, had pounded the pavement to provide for both of them, giving Alivia the best life that she could. Making sure she always had what she needed and on occasion, had what she wanted, much to her own sacrifice. Years and years had been tied up working overtime and missing holidays and birthdays until Alivia graduated high school and was able to help with the living expenses. Leaving her mama a few years later to start her own business in a new city had been one of the most difficult decisions of her life. But her mama hadn’t thought so, practically pushing her out the door to follow her dreams.
A few years later, she was overjoyed when her mama began enjoying all the beautiful things that life had to offer with her new husband, Edward. It had taken her a long time to find her prince and
she finally had. Edward was a good man who cared so much for her mama, only wanting to give her all the things she had been missing over the years. And a twelve month trip around the world seemed to be the perfect place to start. Despite being millions of miles away, they still never went a week without talking. Their typical conversation of the business, her and Edward’s current destination, Bali, and of course their favorite topic, Hannah & Hailey. In true Caroline fashion, she checked in frequently, ensuring that Alivia was balancing her life. She knew nothing about Jax and her nervous breakdown and she wanted to keep it that way. Her mama was finally happy and she refused to ruin her year long trip with worry. Promising her mama she would video call with the girls over the weekend because she missed them, she ended the call.
Pulling into a parking spot in the front of the Urban Three-Sixty lounge, she flipped down the visor, smoothing down her hair quickly. She looked like a mess after running around all day with Ross; their final stop of the day to scout out an up and coming disc jockey whom Ross heard was getting a lot of buzz around town. They had a list as long as their arm of entertainment companies, most of them calling the office on a daily basis begging to provide the music for the annual party, but she wanted someone different, something fresh to help pull off their biggest party of the year.
Getting out of the car, she saw Shay walking across the short parking lot looking effortlessly adorable. A pair of fitted jeans and a tight green shirt hugged his athletic frame. The tall man screamed nothing but all-American boy, but to those that knew him, the term all-American playboy was a much better fit.
“Hi Nova.”
“Well, well, well if it isn’t my future wife?” he teased, the sides of his mouth lifting. He had always joked that one day she’d come to her senses and leave Jax for the younger, sexier, and more talented version of her husband, relentless to get under Jax’s skin. Giving him a small hug, she smiled back at the man she considered a brother. Not only because they looked like they could pass as siblings, their matching blonde hair, blue eyes and long legs, but because he was one of the most genuine guys she had ever met. But also one of the cockiest. She knew his lifestyle and the parade of women and partying were just a facade covering up a bonafied family man, but she blamed it on him being young.
“What do you say about being my date tonight, beautiful?” he asked, walking into the dark lounge where she immediately spotted Trevor and Ross sitting at a high top table.
“She already has one,” a rough voice came behind them, just loud enough over the music. Her heart still kicked up a notch at the thought of being Jax’s date, even after all this time. Turning around, she took in the sight of her gorgeous husband looking as yummy as ever. His hair a slight mess, standing tall, while he glared at Shay.
“It’s true, Nova,” she said, wrapping her arms around Jax’s waist. “I already have a dance partner tonight.”
Kissing Jax on the lips lightly, he gripped onto her hips assaulting her mouth right there in the front of the entire lounge. Mumbling about them getting a room, Shay started for the bar.
“Mmm,” Jax moaned against her lips, the sound alone making her hot. The man was so delicious she swore he could turn her on just by standing in line at the grocery store. And she could recall a few times when he had done just that.
“I missed you,” she whispered in his ear over the loud music.
“I missed you more,” he whispered back, nipping at her ear. “I’ll show you just how much when we get home,” he winked, tapping his hard length into her pelvis. What had originally began as a night to get out and spend time with friends, suddenly became a roadblock between getting naked in bed.
“Stop making out in a corner like a bunch of teenagers and let’s dance,” she heard a loud voice behind her. Glancing behind them, she found Charlotte dressed to kill in a tight blue bandage dress, Myles’s arm draped around her making her appear tinier than she was. Taking in Charlotte’s multi colored rhinestone pumps, she wasn’t all that surprised by her outfit of choice. Charlotte had fashion running through her veins and she couldn’t recall a time since the Louisiana girl came to work for her that she hadn’t found art sketches of gowns and bathing suits hidden all over the front desk. She and Ross often tried introducing the idea of Charlotte working under Alivia, designing the events which seemed to put her talents to better use, and at times Charlotte did assist. But she loved secretly designing clothes when she thought nobody was watching even more.
Shaking Jax’s hand, Myles slapped him on the back before grinning like a damn fool, his eyes lighting up whenever he looked at Charlotte. Myles was absolutely smitten and she knew that he was just the man to get Charlotte to bring her down guard down, whether she liked it or not.
“Let’s go!” Charlotte took Alivia’s hand, dragging her through the lounge. Jax and Myles following behind them, they stopped at the table Trevor and Ross were occupying, as a noticeably wasted Chelsea danced beside them.
“My best friend is here!” Chelsea cheered, bouncing over and grabbing her into a huge hug. Wincing at her chokehold, Alivia glanced at Trevor as he shook his head, taking another pull of his beer.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Chelsea said wistfully. “Now we can dance,” she sang, whipping her head around, “And we can drink!”
Before she could question Chelsea’s state of sobriety, Jax handed her a martini. Smiling up at him, his free hand rested on her waist. “Are you trying to get me drunk, Captain?”
“Guilty,” he said, the corners of his mouth turning up. Moving closer into his side, the weight of him felt so good.
“You don’t have to get me tipsy,” she said into his ear over the music. “I’d come willingly.”
Pulling back, she grinned devilishly up at him taking a sip of her drink.
“The pun was intended,” she giggled looking up into his amused face.
It felt so good to be in his arms in public. Just thoroughly enjoying one another again. Watching his eyebrows raise past her, she turned around to see Chelsea dancing in the middle of the dance floor as if she was on stripper pole.
What in the world?
“Alright, I’m going to dance,” Charlotte announced, taking a shot of tequila and slamming it back down on the table. “And to go save Chelsea from herself.”
Sliding into the seat next to Ross, Alivia sipped her martini while he checked his email, the light reflecting off his black glasses.
“The guy is good,” she nodded towards the dj rocking a pair of skinny jeans better than she ever had, while admiring the impressive height of his hair. Flawlessly moving around his board taking in the energy of the people on the dance floor, he looked more than capable of handling a large excited crowd.
“Indeed he is,” Ross agreed looking up from his phone. “I think he’s what we need to take the party to the next level.”
Taking a sip of his own martini, they sat in silence. She knew he was mentally mapping out how good Davey would fit into the party, thankful that finding a great disc jockey had been as easy as one trip out to a lounge. Too many times she and Ross traveled near and far to find fresh new talent and she was glad that this was another chunk of planning that could be crossed off their enormous list.
“Cheers,” he finally said, tapping her glass with his, “to the best damn party we’ve ever thrown.”
As the night carried on, Alivia had discovered three things. One, that despite how hard Charlotte tried to try make her relationship with Myles seem casual, her sassy mouth friend was falling for him, and the steamy kiss on the dance floor that left little to the imagination was all the extra proof she had needed. Second, Shay hadn’t seemed like himself, more reserved and not at all into the beautiful brunette rubbing her breasts into his chest on the dance floor. Lastly, something was seriously wrong with Chelsea. She had been drunk before Alivia even showed up, and she watched as Trevor kept an eye on her, giving her space all night.
“So what’s going on with her?” Alivia asked, sliding n
ext to Trevor after a lengthy conversation with Davey, who had jumped at the opportunity to entertain over three hundred players, coaches and staff for a professional team. Leaning against Jax nursing his beer, she watched Trevor pick at the label on the bottle in front of him.
“My mother called today and asked Chels who she was going to have walk her down the aisle since her parents aren’t coming to the wedding. And she completely freaked out.”
Wincing, she closed her eyes. If there was one thing that anyone could have said to send Chelsea into a tailspin, it would be shedding light on the fact that her poppa wouldn’t be at the wedding to give her away.
“It was a stupid question for my mom to ask,” Trevor continued, not taking his eyes off his loaded fiancée dancing like a maniac. “But the way she handled it just makes me think she’s not going to go through with this whole big wedding,” he added, sitting back into his chair, crossing his long arms. In all the years that she had known Trevor, she couldn’t recall a time when she had ever seen him so frustrated outside of the playing field, but with Chelsea being so difficult about the wedding, she could see it was beginning to wear on him.
“I know she’s upset that her parents are not coming to the wedding and that her dad won’t be giving her away,” he trailed off shaking his head. “But I’m tired of forcing something onto her that she clearly doesn’t want. Maybe we should just do the city hall thing,” he resigned downing the last of his beer.
“I just want to marry her,” he said sucking the beer between his teeth. “I don’t care anymore how we do it.”
She wanted to grab Chelsea and start shaking some damn sense into her. Trevor was a good man. A good family man who wanted nothing more than to marry the love of his life in front of all their family and friends. And Chelsea wanted that too. Trevor looked defeated, Chelsea was unraveling and she refused to let Chelsea throw away a beautiful, well-deserved wedding to the man of her dreams. She’d be damned if one family’s stubbornness was going to ruin one of the most important days of her friends’ lives. She needed to fix this.
False Start (Mavericks #1) Page 24