Again.
But if Jax wanted a divorce then she wasn’t going to waste another minute of her life, which she realized now, was too short. As it turned out, almost dying forced a person to take a long look at themselves. She loved him too deeply, but he didn’t love her that way, not the way she loved him. And she couldn’t stick around anymore worrying about him abandoning her again. It hurt. More than she imagined her broken ribs would once the medication wore off.
Now wasn’t the time to have that conversation though, but it didn’t stop her from wanting to see him. To hear his voice because she still wanted him. Needed him. Too much. She needed time to get stronger and get off pain pills that clouded her mind. If she was going to walk away from the absolute love of her life, she wanted to remember every last detail because aside from her two daughters, it would be all she had left of him. The thought of the girls cracked her heart. She had always known that if anything ever happened to her, Jax would continue to be the exceptional daddy that he was, but it didn’t help the panic that she could have never seen them again. Thinking of the girls, Jax needed to be home with them when they woke up in the morning. Or was it already morning? She didn’t know, but she had promised them that she would be there in the morning and since that wasn’t going to happen, they would need their daddy.
Shifting her eyes towards the door she saw Ross standing in the doorway utterly and completely freaked out. His hair a rare mess and his face pale despite the spray tan she knew he had sneaked in the day before. He had some stains on his fantastic dress shirt that he had been so excited to wear and she wondered if that was her blood. She had called him on her headset before she darted out the door hoping that he could persuade Vanessa to go back to the party, but everything afterwards happened so fast.
“Hey you,” she whispered through her dry throat, motioning with her hand that held a collection of IV’s attached to it. “Come in.”
Moving through the door slowly, she could tell he was already about to lose it. His eyes glossy.
“Don’t cry,” she said, shaking her head lightly, immediately realizing her mistake. It felt hollow. Her head and heart seemed to have that in common. “I can’t handle you crying,” she whispered, again trying to clear her throat.
“Liv,” he breathed, stopping beside the bed, falling to his knees. Holding her hand, the imminent tears fell as he cried into her palm. “I thought you were dead.”
Unable to recall a time in all their years of friendship that she had seen Ross cry, she felt so guilty. He was the strong one. She was the crazy one. That’s how it was. The last thing she ever meant to do was bring any kind of pain to anybody, especially Ross and least of all Jax.
Moving her arm, she ran her hands through his dark brown hair wishing with all the strength she had left that everything was different. That it was Jax’s wavy hair she was soothing. But it wasn’t.
“I’m fine.”
“No, Liv. You’re not fine.” Ross looked up drying his eyes, his mouth in a tight line. “You almost died.”
Collecting himself he grabbed a chair from beside the door, pulling it to the side of the bed. Staring at her a moment, she fought against the urge to close her eyes. She was tired, but Ross needed to see that she was okay. Looking at each other another few moments, he watched her like she was going to break attempting to push herself up in the bed, failing miserably.
“I’ll be alright,” she insisted, pulling down the heavy layers of covers. “I’ve never been hit by a car before.” She gave him a half smile trying to lighten the mood. “Probably a good life experience,” she snickered, immediately regretting it.
“It’s not funny!” he shot back, his face lighting up in anger, taking her by surprise. “We almost lost you.”
He would never admit it, but just like her, he had control issues. And her getting hit by a car was not something he could control.
“Jax is out there nearly falling apart at the seams.” He hitched his thumb over his shoulder towards the door. “Hell, we were all falling apart.”
Sobering at the thought of Jax, the vision of him nearly crumbling kicked her in the gut. It wasn’t fair of her to shut him out, she knew that, if the situation was reversed she would have been a crazy woman barreling through the hallways making sure he was okay whether he liked it or not, but then again, she wasn’t the one who wanted a divorce.
“Why don’t you want Jax in here with you?” he asked, resting his elbow on his knees. Watching her like a hawk, she knew better than to lie to him. He could cut through any story she conjured up.
“I can’t do it anymore, Ross,” she said honestly, glancing back up at the ceiling avoiding his sensitive eyes. “I can’t sit around wondering if or when he’s going to leave me again.”
The medication seemed to be doing a fine job of masking the pain of her injuries, but there was no amount of drugs strong enough to ease the tightness in her chest. She wanted to see Jax more than anybody. She wanted to feel his deliberate kiss on her dry swollen lips, his shielding arms around her as she fell apart from the fear of it all finally catching up to her. She wanted him to see that she was okay and to let the girls know that their mama was fine. She wanted him to awaken every part of her body just to remind her that she was alive.
But she couldn’t. It would just make everything more heart wrenching when she was back on her feet and he still wanted to leave. Another nurse interrupted them to check her machines and she used the opportunity to gear the subject away from Jax. Ross filled her in with all the events that followed her being hit. She had told the police what she remembered about the driver and that Vanessa had a hold on her, but she hadn’t pushed her into the car. Maybe she was still a little loopy, but she took the blame for some of that. She provoked Vanessa. Knowing that the woman was unstable, she had still unleashed six years of frustration and anger onto her and Vanessa had snapped. Maybe if hadn’t been in the middle of a self-induced breakdown, she would have had more strength and wits to react to Vanessa’s assault. The police hadn’t wasted any time asking if she wanted to press charges, but she told them she would only do it if the Vanessa refused to get the proper treatment she needed to sort out the issues inside her head. She didn’t feel that putting her on probation or under house arrest would help her any. She had deep rooted emotional inconsistencies and she needed proper care. Although, the permanent restraining order she should have implemented years ago for her, Jax, and the girls, did make her feel a tad bit safer.
Making Ross promise to have Jax go back to the house before the girls woke up, she insisted that Ross go back to the draft party and ensure everything was still okay, relieved that he hadn’t fought her. He didn’t think that many people knew about what happened because everyone was too busy dancing the night away inside. And that’s exactly how she wanted it.
Rolling his eyes, he sighed shaking his head and sliding the chair back against the wall. “You never stop do you?”
She wanted to laugh at his exasperation, but thought better of it.
“You call me if you need anything,” he ordered, placing a kiss gently on her forehead. “I mean it. I’ll be back first thing in the morning.”
Holding her hand a moment, she felt better knowing that he had finally stopped shaking like a leaf.
“I’m glad you didn’t die, bitch,” he grinned, kissing the back of her hand.
Smiling weakly, she waved him off before he broke down like a baby again, feeling the next stream of pain meds start to take over making her sleepy.
“You know,” he said stopping in the doorway. “I was the first person to get angry when you got back with Jax after he hurt you so badly,” he said, swiping his chin against shoulder, a habit she’d come to spot over the years when he was searching for the right thing to say. “But after he explained that he would do whatever he needed to do to protect you, I believed him. I still believe him,” he urged, slipping his hands inside his pockets. “And you should too.”
Looking away, sh
e fixated on the black dots again on the ceiling above taking in a large breath. She didn’t want to listen to anything that would make her decision even harder.
“He loves you Liv, and you need to stop pushing him away because you’re scared. Trust me when I say that you’ll regret it.”
She wanted more than anything to tell Ross to send Jax in, the words hanging off the very tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t do it. It would only complicate things further and just because she was in an accident and almost died, it did not change the fact that he was still leaving. And the sooner she got on with her life the better. For everyone.
Closing her eyes tighter, she looked for some other pain to focus on, but nothing seemed harsher than the ripping inside her chest. Suddenly, she wanted to feel every hit. Every scratch, every crack, anything else to numb her. Quietness fell inside the room as her eyes welled up with tears, painfully aware that the unsightly wounds and swelling in her head would heal over time, but not quite certain that she would ever recover from letting Jax go.
* * *
Early morning light seeped into the living room through the white shades as Jax glanced across the room at the clock. The girls would be awake soon wondering where their mama was. Forced to leave the hospital at four in the morning, he hadn’t wanted to leave. He wanted to stay in hopes that Liv had a change of heart, or better yet, had called for him in the middle of the night.
She hadn’t.
Ross had put his mind at ease that she was awake, tired from the medicine, but alert and talking. But not seeing her with his own two eyes, he was having a hard time convincing himself that she was alright. The visions of her limp body replaying in his mind over and over again like a terrible film he couldn’t turn off, had him painfully aware that he couldn’t close his eyes again without seeing that image. Leaning over Liv’s cold, lifeless body brought him straight back to when he had found his mother. Wiping his face with his hands, he rubbed his burning eyes, the lack of sleep finally catching up. Mentally forcing himself to stay alert in case a call came from the hospital, or better yet, Liv.
Easing himself up from the couch, he dragged his feet slowly towards the row of pictures he’d been staring at for the past three hours on the mantle of the fireplace, stopping in front of the picture of the four of them on the field the night the Mavs had won the Super Bowl. It was one of the greatest nights of his life. He had taken his team to the most prominent game and won, while his incredible wife sat in the stands with his sweet daughters cheering him on. He had felt like the luckiest man in the world that night. Like he could achieve anything. Like he was invincible.
Liv made him feel like that.
His eyes dropped to the picture next to it of her holding the girls for the first time when they were born, nothing but maternal bliss in her blue eyes. He had vowed the moment he had taken that picture that he would always protect all three of his girls.
Every day.
No matter what.
Picking up the third picture, he ran his finger down the glass on top of the black and white wedding photo. Liv gazed up at him as if she was the luckiest girl in the world, but truth be told, it was him that was the lucky one. Always had been. She had committed her entire life to supporting his career, raising their children, making their house a home, all the while running a business to cradle a passion of hers. Where most women would have been satisfied, she had always found time to give more of herself to friends and family. Planning weddings and endless parties and providing holidays for those who never had any place to go. She gave and gave and gave while taking the inescapable sacrifices he had ensued on their marriage.
Waiting over two hours unsure if she was alive or dead had sent him over the edge, convinced that he had prayed more in that hospital than he had ever prayed inside a church. He had failed to protect one of his girls, the thought eating a hole from the inside out. Liv must have realized that too because she was pushing him away again. Realized that he had failed her too many times. But maybe it was time to let her. Coming back home because he was too weak to stay away, he had nearly been begging for her forgiveness, so desperate to be close to her, promising her things that he had no business promising. Like never hurting her again. Cursing under his breath he leaned against the mantle.
He had six years of knowing what true happiness was, what a real family felt like and he couldn’t believe that he let it slip through his fingers. Maybe he was never made to be part of a family. To be loved.
Hearing a bedroom door creak open above him, the girls’ footsteps slowly inched across the hallway, and he struggled with the right words to say. He would have thought since he had almost the entire night to prepare, he would have mastered some delicate and reassuring speech to explain what happened to their mama. He couldn’t lie to them, they were too clever, but he didn’t want to scare them either. Hoping that Liv would continue to progress forward and would be home soon enough, left no reason to send their little minds into fear mode. When he had called the nurse’s station an hour ago for an update, they had said she had a peaceful night. The swelling was the same, but it had not gotten worse either which he found momentarily comforting.
“Daddy?” Hannah asked, slipping down the stairs first, rubbing her big eyes, holding her blanket.
“Where’s Mama?” Hailey asked, almost on Hannah’s heels letting out a yawn with her stuffed dog in a choke hold under her arm.
He hadn’t thought it could be possible, but his heart broke for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past week. Looking into his daughters’ eyes he prepped himself, searching for the correct words to explain to two four year-olds that their mama had been badly hurt, but even more thankful that he wasn’t telling them that she was gone.
“Morning, munchkins,” he faked a smile, walking to the steps, picking up each girl in his arms kissing their foreheads. Holding them closer than usual, he sat them down on the couch. Kneeling in front of them he looked back into the two sets of eyes staring back at him.
“Mama had a little accident last night,” he began slowly, deciding in that moment to go with the lighter version of the truth. “She is okay,” he assured, taking each girls’ hand. “She just bumped her head real hard,” he continued, scanning their faces for distress, but saw no signs of impending tears. “She just needs some rest and she will be home soon,” he finished, watching their faces register what he was saying, hoping the simple explanation would cut it.
“Like that time we watched fireworks at Asher’s house and I fell off the swing and bumped my head and needed ice?” Hannah asked, batting her lashes. Smiling, he shook his head.
“Exactly.”
These kids didn’t forget a thing.
“Mama will be fine.” Hannah waved her hand, seemingly unfazed. “My bump was gone in a day.”
“When is she coming home?” Hailey asked nervously, his little worrywart always concerned when things were out of order.
Just like her mama.
“Soon, baby girl.” Jax smoothed her long curls on top of her head. “Soon.”
“Can we have pancakes and make Mama some cards?” Hannah asked, hopping off the couch. Hailey mimicking her sister, a little less enthused.
“Of course,” he said carefully, eyeing each of them waiting for the hundred questions he only assumed would follow. Like just the other day when they had spent the entire drive home from school asking questions about why they were right handed.
“Awesome,” they sang, high-fiving each other running towards the kitchen before arguing over who was going to get the crayons and who was drawing which picture. Classic women, always confusing the hell out of him.
* * *
Closing the door quietly behind him, Jax dragged himself into his bedroom after falling asleep on the girls’ floor reading the fourth book of the night. The past twenty-four hours had finally caught up with him as he stripped off his clothes, stepping into the shower, letting the hot water stream down his worn out bod
y.
He had spent the entire day with the girls, running around the park, getting ice cream cones, playing Barbie’s and even a giant floor puzzle that was still assembled on the kitchen floor. It had been a busy day, but it hadn’t stopped him from worrying about Liv. Much to her nurse’s chagrin, he had called the hospital six times over the course of the day, her status still the same. No improvements, but luckily no regressions, either. He had contemplated showing up at the hospital with the girls just to see her; cheap shot, he knew, but it only proved how desperate he actually was. He didn’t want to upset her and the girls weren’t ready to see her in that condition so he thought better of it and had just sent a text of the girls blowing a kiss instead.
He hadn’t received anything back, figuring she either hadn’t got her phone back or she was still avoiding him. Leaning against the chilled tile in the shower, he allowed the water to take over his body. He should had just shown up at the hospital. Demand her to listen while she had nowhere to go. Refusing to leave until she heard him out, but she didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve anymore pain. Least of all, from him.
His biggest fear had always been losing her. And standing in the middle of his self-inflicted nightmare felt like a knife ripping his chest open. Struggling for the better part of the day, he wrestled with himself to fight harder, push harder, refusing to leave until she spoke to him. Forcing her to understand how much he loved her. That she owned him. Heart, body and soul. But he was the reason she was in that hospital bed. She needed to focus on getting better; although the thought of her sitting around thinking that he wanted a divorce wasn’t resting well with him either.
False Start (Mavericks #1) Page 38