Shutting off the lights he crawled into bed, Mr. Beans’ whimpers filling the quiet room as he rubbed his head.
“I know buddy.”
He understood the pup’s pain.
“She will be home soon.”
Reaching for her pillow, one that still smelled like coconut and cotton, the big bed felt empty. Stuffing the pillow under his cheek he drew in the familiar scent, as the bleak realization that it would be the closest he would ever come to her again ripped what was left of his gut, finishing him off. As much as he understood her need to shut him out, keeping as far away from him as she could manage, she did need to know how sorry he was that he failed her. Again. Before getting a chance to strategize exactly how he was going to accomplish just that, his eyes drifted shut, allowing the exhaustion to take over.
25
The past week had been outrageous and after seven restless days in the hospital, Alivia was grateful to finally be home. The swelling of her skull had continued to shrink with each passing day while in the hospital, enough to be released and be put on mandatory bed rest. Her head felt better than it had since the hit, clearer and less hazy; her ribs on the other hand, a completely different story. Sneezing, coughing and hiccups were movements she was quickly becoming to despise, the pain almost intolerable. Of course moving, breathing, and sobbing weren’t all that pleasant either; and there had been a lot of the crying while incapacitated inside the hospital. Tears had fallen from the fear of what had happened, cries from the terror of what could have happened, tears from missing her little girls and plenty of sobs over her broken heart.
Her days had been occupied with tests, visitors, nurses, and doctors alike; in and out all day long, providing welcomed distractions. The nights were long, providing her with plenty of time to think. Which was dangerous. She had never thought in a hundred years she would have been so grateful to have someone walk her to the bathroom in the middle of the night just to provide a moment of peace from the torment of her own mind.
It had been exactly seven days since she last looked into Jax’s green eyes, a sea of emotion splashed across his face. He had seemed anxious, but relieved when they met at the bottom of the staircase inside the Mill Mansion, yet proud and concentrated while giving her speech. She hadn’t known what to make of any of it and the more she mulled it over in her mind over the past week, the less things were making sense. Why had he been so willing to fix everything between them when they had been in Clearwater if he had been planning on leaving the entire time? Why hadn’t he just let her be? Kept his apartment? He went to such great lengths to create “Valentine’s Day in May,” as he had called it, an unforgettable night and one that had been way above the call of duty for just some booty.
And Vanessa. How had she known about the divorce papers?
Groaning, she pushed herself up in bed, cringing against the sharp pain in her side and the numbness from the incision on her leg. Maybe she had just chosen to see what she wanted to see? He had left for a reason and in her attempts to make sense of it all after being left out in the dark for so long, she had practically thrown herself at him, carrying on right where they had left off without another backwards glance.
Checking her iPad for any e-mails, she swallowed down the familiar feeling of nausea forming inside her throat. Clicking the mail button, she scrolled through nothing but junk and spam, certain Ross was intercepting all e-mails and phone calls from work, making sure she was focusing on getting back on her feet. Having nothing but time to overthink and obsess was driving her mad. The countdown to Trevor and Chelsea’s wedding was ticking down quickly and she needed to be finalizing centerpieces and transportation, not laying around watching catty late morning talk shows and wasting away hours browsing Pinterest. But she did love Pinterest. Leaning her head back, she breathed through the queasiness once more. It had been three days in a row that she had woken up with the urge to be sick, which was unusual. But the pain medication was pretty intense.
“I read somewhere when we were in Bali that egg yolks can heal bones?”
Looking over at her bedroom door, her mama, looking every bit of her fifty-eight years, shrugged at the claim carrying a tray with a small plate of eggs, toast, and a white hydrangea she knew had been picked from her own garden out front. Her mama and Edward had taken the first international flight available into Charleston from Morocco where they had been scouring the spice markets over the past four weeks. Not listening to her pleas of continuing on with their trip, her mama had arrived at the hospital two days later. For as much as she hadn’t wanted to put a glitch in her mama’s year of travel, she was relieved that she was here now.
“Thanks Mama.” She adjusted against the stinging pain in her side. “Feels like these things will never heal.”
Picking up a piece of toast, her mouth grew heavy. Even the thought of the texture of the bread in her mouth made her want to be sick. What was wrong with her?
“No appetite again?” she asked, smoothing out Alivia’s messy hair.
“No, I’m sorry,” she said, pushing the plate aside.
Taking the tray across the room, Caroline placed it on the dresser.
“Why don’t we change that bandage on your leg than? Get that out of the way for today.”
Turning down the covers, she pushed Alivia’s loose shorts up her leg to the bandage taking up the better part of her thigh. How she had managed such a large cut in such an odd spot, she would never know, the thought of the deep cut making her queasy.
“I had the best time tucking the girls into bed last night.” Caroline beamed, bringing over the small basket of first aid supplies the hospital had sent home with her. “Those two are just angels,” she smiled, delicately cutting the old bandage off her leg.
“Yes, they sure are.” She grinned, looking the other way to avoid seeing the nasty wound. She hated this part. “They have been great through this entire thing.” She leaned her head back, the air stinging her long cut. “I may have to take them to Disneyland when all of this is over.”
“And Jax has been pretty great, too,” Caroline added carefully.
“Mhmm,” she agreed, quickly hoping that would be the end of it. But her mama was fishing and with thirty years of experience, she knew well enough that she wouldn’t stop until Alivia accepted the bait.
“When were you going to tell me?”
Well there it is.
“Tell you what exactly?” she asked.
Maybe playing dumb was best until she figured out just how much her mama knew about the fiasco that she called her life. Plus, it wasn’t as if she could run or hide. Not this time. Maybe she could gain some kind of sympathy vote and drop the entire subject?
“That you had a nervous breakdown.”
Crap.
“Or that you were overworking yourself to the point of collapsing?”
Double crap.
“How about that Jax left twelve months ago?”
Why doesn’t the universe love me?!
“Please, Alivia, stop me at any time.”
Studying her mama a moment she saw the hurt in her eyes knowing that there would be no sympathy vote or topic dropped, just a vast amount of explaining to do.
“I wasn’t going to tell you.” She cringed as her mama sprayed her cut with the cool spray. She wasn’t quite sure she wanted to be having this conversation with an irritated woman fixing her wound.
“Alivia Anne!” Caroline scolded as she looked back into a pair of eyes matching her own. Jax had always told her that he knew everything she was feeling, her eyes always giving her away, much like her mama’s. And right now, all she could see was anger.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me any of this?” Caroline asked, shaking her head.
Taking out a cotton ball, she dabbed the cut. She hadn’t wanted her mama to worry about her. She had spent her entire life worrying, she didn’t want to put her through that again. Convinced she could just fix it all on her own.
“I didn’t want you t
o worry.” She shrugged, wincing at the mild burning on her leg, knowing full well her mama wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer. Pausing from fussing over her cut, Caroline looked her square in the eyes.
“We have been through enough together, kid.” She pointed between the two of them. “Surely, you can tell me when you need help.”
Her mama was right. They had been through one heck of an adventure together and maybe she should have told her. If anything, she could have helped her cope with Jax leaving, possibly even helped her sort out her feelings when he had returned home. But then that would have meant that she couldn’t do it all. And not being able to do it all, scared the hell out of her.
“When I,” Alivia paused, searching for the right words. “When I realized that Daddy was never coming back I made a promise to myself that I would always be one step ahead.” She laughed without humor, immediately regretting it. “That if I was one step ahead that nothing bad would ever happen again,” she trailed off, closing her eyes. “That if everything was perfect than nobody would ever leave.”
She knew it was silly, unrealistic, but that hadn’t stopped her from trying.
Feeling the bed dip beside her, Caroline took her hands.
“Liv honey, that is a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on yourself.”
Her mama was right. She had been so busy ensuring that nothing bad would ever happen, that she wouldn’t lose anyone, that somewhere down the road she had forgotten to just enjoy her life. She knew that, a long time ago, and had chosen to ignore it. She had no control over her father coming back into her life and dying just as quickly with a list of unanswered questions; no more than she had any power over Vanessa and her crazy antics to get Jax back. Least of all, she had no decision in Jax freaking out about his past and leaving. She had brought on her nervous breakdown just as she had when she collapsed and just as she had the night of the draft party.
“It’s exhausting, darling, you can’t go through life like that. If you’re running around all the time, trying to do it all and be it all and fix it all, than you’re missing all the good stuff. Liv, you can be anything. You’ve already proved that, but sweetheart, you can’t be everything. And that’s okay.”
The last month she had a big taste of what it was like to enjoy “the good stuff” again. To slow down and appreciate life a little more. To feel all the authentic parts of life that only Jax could ignite again. Things that she could enjoy again if she just allowed herself to stop worrying about everyone leaving her.
“When Daddy came back last year,” her voice cracked, “I had so many questions that weren’t answered. Like why he left us?”
She didn’t want to cry. Not anymore. Didn’t think she had anything left inside of her.
“One day everything was fine and the next,” she trailed off, guilty for bringing up the topic. She didn’t want to upset her mama, but her placid expression wasn’t showing any indication of the shared stress. “The next, it just wasn’t anymore. Then he comes back after all these years to tell me that I have a half-sister somewhere and refuses to tell me who she is while dying on me.”
Taking a deep breath, she begged herself to be strong. To fight the first tear that was ready to escape her eyelashes. Smoothing out her untamed hair, her mama listened quietly.
“Then, the only man that I have ever loved.” She shook her head slowly. “Well, he ups and leaves me too.”
A loud sob escaping her mouth, her body shook against the pain and she knew there was no going back. No matter how badly it hurt. She didn’t think it was possible to cry any more than she already had the last two weeks, thoroughly convinced that there would always be a bottomless amount of tears reserved just for Jax.
“Oh sweetheart.” Her mama moved wiping Alivia’s tears before her own. “Now, I want you to listen to me.” She lifted her chin. “There was nothing you could have done to make your daddy stay. He couldn’t handle the tough times. He didn’t want to fight for us. For you. You cannot allow yourself to think that every person that you love is going to leave you,” she stressed, squeezing Alivia’s hand. “Jax did what he thought was right at the time.”
How did her mama know that? Wait, how did her mama know any of what happened twelve months ago? As if reading her mind, she reaffirmed Alivia’s thoughts.
“Jax and I had a nice long talk last night when he dropped the girls off home,” she smiled, her soft face brightening. To say her mama adored Jax was an understatement, the long standing joke that her mama thought he just about hung the moon and the stars.
“Liv, your daddy left because he was selfish and he ran because it was easy. That never had anything to do with you,” Caroline said, rubbing Alivia’s arm. “Hunny, Jax didn’t want to leave you. He struggled every single day with that, but he did it because he thought it was what was best for you.” Her mama wiped another tear hanging from Alivia’s chin. “Because he loves you so much.”
She felt the weight of the world on top of her, like bricks piling up onto her chest and she didn’t know how to stop it. Her mama made it all sound so simple.
“Liv, sweetie, your daddy took away so much from you as a child,” she said, taking her hands inside her own, “Please” she urged. “Please, do not let him take away your future. Don’t be like me Alivia. Don’t waste more than half your life running away from love because you’re too scared,” Caroline stressed, bringing her hands up to her lips and kissing them.
“What do you mean run away? You never ran away from anything.”
Raising her brow, Caroline smirked.
“Oh, there was a lot you didn’t see, baby girl. I was too scared to get involved with any man after your daddy. Fearful that they would just run and leave me in a bigger mess than they had found me.”
Is that what she was doing? Running away because she was too scared? Bolting, just like her father?
“Edward was the only one who had pushed hard enough until I buckled.” Her mama nodded. “Or should I say, unbuckled,” she teased, raising her eyebrows.
“Ewe mom,” she whined, the nausea threatening again.
“You fix this baby girl,” her mama said, narrowing her eyes. “You stop running away and hear what he has to say. You hear me?”
She did. He had insisted on explaining the divorce papers and instead of giving him that courtesy, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. But she was tired of running. Tired of crying and trying to be one step ahead all the time. Tired of pushing herself into the ground and perfecting things. She wanted to be happy again. Happy with Jax.
Promising her mama she would fix things with him, she hoped she wasn’t offering false hope. She had royally screwed up this time, cringing at the thought of how badly she must have hurt him when she refused to let him see her after the accident. She had been scared and only protecting herself, but she had been wrong. She was tired of running away from her happiness. From life.
Picking up her phone, she dialed one of only two people she knew who could help her do just that. To get her happiness back.
26
“Your kid has the hands of receiver,” Jax said, examining Asher’s hands. The kid had impressively long fingers for a one year-old.
“And the body of a lineman,” Chelsea chuckled, joining them in the living room. “He gained eight pounds since his last doctor’s appointment!”
Handing him a bottle of rice puffs, Jax poured some into his hand for Asher to snack on while sitting in his lap. He enjoyed spending time with the little man, little boys were entirely different from little girls and a small part of him had always hoped that one day he would have a son of his own. But the only woman he wanted to do that with seemed to have different plans these days. Sitting on his lap, Chelsea nuzzled into Trevor’s neck, a sly grin crossing her face when he tapped her butt. Man, he needed to find another place to stay. Trevor and Chelsea were getting married in a matter of weeks and he didn’t want to be the one intruding in on their honeymoon phase. Of course the only place he
wanted was back home with his own family. He missed his girls and the chaos of their everyday life. Missed Mr. Beans barking at everyone in the morning as Magda fussed over the girls, Liv running around late to another meeting while he tried to get to practice on time. The memories of his everyday life squeezed his chest tighter, more grateful for those chaotic mornings than he had ever been before.
“Have you heard from her?” Chelsea asked, breaking his intense stare down with a light up toy on the floor. He hated that they were back to this. He had been certain that after the last month he would never see the concerned looks again, the same kind he was getting from his two best friends right now.
Shaking his head, he looked down at Asher picking snacks out of his hand. “She’s completely shut me out.”
His anger building again, he wanted to blame her. To say that she was being impossible, but she wasn’t. He just needed to come to terms with that fact that he had hurt her too much and that even if she did give him the chance to explain the divorce papers, he wasn’t so sure it would matter anymore.
“What if you tried talking to her while she’s holed up in bed with nowhere to go?” Chelsea suggested, as if he hadn’t contemplated that a thousand times. He had been at the house a lot with the girls, in and out multiple times a day, every single time hoping like hell that he could see her again. Just once. He had never gone upstairs though, she needed her space and her time to recover and regardless of his frustrations, she needed to get better. It needed to be her first priority.
“She’s made up her mind.” He bounced Asher on his knee, the thought running through his mind restlessly.
The front door opened, Ross’s voice filling the house.
“Special delivery for the bride-to-be,” he sang, coming into the living room with two oversized shopping bags. “Hope you don’t mind, I let myself in.” He smiled as Asher wiggled off Jax’s knee. Placing down the shopping bags and his coffee, he opened his arms as Asher waddled into them. Scooping him up into a big hug, he kissed Asher’s round cheeks. The man was the child whisperer. He had always been so great with Hannah and Hailey, and Asher was no exception.
False Start (Mavericks #1) Page 39