Better Than This

by Cathy Zane

“So, you saw the doctor and all is good to go?” Robert asked.

  “Yeah. We just need to stop at the pharmacy downstairs and get a prescription.”

  “Do you feel up for lunch? Or would you rather just go home? I promised Lizzy we’d go to Joe’s Diner for a burger and milkshake. It was her choice for a late birthday celebration. But I could take you home first if you’d like.”

  “No!” Lizzy said. “Mommy has to go too. Right Mommy?”

  “Well, I’m still a little queasy,” Sarah said. “But a vanilla milkshake actually sounds good. It might help settle my stomach a bit.” She wasn’t sure if the queasiness was from the medication or the pain or if it was leftover morning sickness. She still couldn’t believe the baby was gone. Tears flooded her eyes.

  “What’s the matter, Mommy?” Lizzy said as she moved closer to Sarah.

  Sarah searched for a reply that would satisfy Lizzy without revealing the truth.

  Robert jumped in to respond. “Mommy’s still hurting some. Remember when you broke your collarbone? Sometimes the hurt doesn’t go away for a while.”

  Lizzy nodded. “I remember. I’m sorry you are hurting, Mommy.”

  “Thanks sweetie. It’s not that bad. I’ll be better soon.” Sarah’s sadness receded as irritation at Robert crept in. He knew damn well that her tears weren’t pain related. Once again, the master of pretense. But of course, she couldn’t confront him with Lizzy here. And he knew that. Sarah was sure he’d continue to use Lizzy as a shield to avoid talking to her. As if lunch at Joe’s was really her idea. What a bunch of bullshit.

  Robert clapped his hands together. “So, let’s get going. I’m starving!”

  Lizzy clapped her hands as well, a perfect mirror of Robert. “Me too!”

  Sarah tousled Lizzy’s hair playfully and pushed up out of her chair. “Okay. Let’s go get that prescription and then get you some food.”

  As they left the room, Lizzy ran ahead to push the elevator button and Robert followed quickly after her, fueling Sarah’s irritation. Was this how the day was going to go? He’d go out of his way to avoid her? To never be alone with her? They needed to talk. Sarah needed to know what all this meant for her and Lizzy. She felt the anxiety seep back in. How was all this going to work? When would Robert tell his parents? What would they say? How would they treat her? And Lizzy? Robert had said she and Lizzy could stay in the house. Did that mean he would pay for it? She couldn’t afford it on her salary. She couldn’t afford much of anything on her salary. Should she get a lawyer? She wasn’t sure she could afford to get a lawyer.

  She stepped into the elevator, thoughts still buzzing. Lizzy was chatting happily about her second sleepover with Emma last night, stoking Sarah’s anger. Robert hadn’t even bothered to keep her with him. Worthless excuse for a father. Sarah suspected Lizzy hadn’t slept much at Kate’s. The upside was that she’d probably crash later this afternoon. She’d be able to talk to Robert then. The elevator came to a stop at the garage level and Sarah followed Lizzy off as Robert held the door.

  With Lizzy safely strapped into her booster chair in the back seat, Sarah voiced her thoughts to Robert. “I think she’s in overdrive from all the excitement of the past couple days, and I imagine a lack of sleep last night. I’m sure she’ll nap later. We can talk more then.”

  “We really don’t have much to talk about right now.” He stared forward, through the windshield. “Besides, I need to get back to LA. I’m booked on the last flight out tonight.”

  “You’re leaving today?” Sarah couldn’t believe it. “Is this some kind of bad joke?”

  “Not at all,” Robert said, giving Sarah an exacting look. “The flight has been booked since last week. We have an early meeting tomorrow that I need to attend.”

  “But I just thought with everything—”

  “I have it all handled. We’ll stop for groceries and anything you might need on our way home. And I talked to Kate when I picked Lizzy up and she said she could help out.”

  “We can’t keep asking so much of her.”

  “She offered. Said she was happy to do it. She’ll sleep over at our house tonight in case you need anything and then take the girls to school so you can sleep in.”

  “But—”

  “Sarah, it’s all set. Everything is covered for now. We can figure the rest out later.”

  Sarah quietly fumed the rest of the way to the restaurant. There really wasn’t anything more to say. Robert had said it all. As usual.

  Chapter 15

  Kate had taken the girls to school and was back at Sarah’s, enjoying a cup of freshly brewed coffee and reading the paper. Sarah hadn’t wanted to get up before they’d left and Kate decided to let her rest. She knew she needed it. She was thinking of all that Sarah had been through in the past forty-eight hours when she heard a knock on the front door.

  “Hello-o,” Maggie called out as she opened the door.

  “Hi Maggie. I’m in here,” Kate called back. When Maggie walked in, she got up to greet her with a hug.

  “How’s she doing?” Maggie asked as they both sat at down at the table.

  “Not great. She doesn’t want to eat or get out of bed.”

  “I guess that’s to be expected. She was really excited about the baby.”

  Kate raised her eyebrows. “That’s not the half of it.”

  Maggie frowned. “What else?”

  “Robert left her!”

  “Are you shitting me?”

  Kate shook her head. “I know. Impeccable timing! You want to go up and see her?”

  “I’m not sure she wants to see me. She still seemed mad when she left school on Friday.”

  Kate frowned. “Why was she mad at you?”

  “We had a big fight last Monday. I thought maybe she’d told you about it.”

  “Not a word,” Kate said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Maggie shrugged and played with the corner of the newspaper. Kate decided to just give her a minute. She quietly sipped her coffee and waited.

  Maggie was thinking about the fight with Sarah. She did want to talk to Kate about it. It was nagging at her, and she needed a second opinion. She just wasn’t sure where to start. “Did you know her mother committed suicide?” she finally said.

  “No! I didn’t know. When?”

  “Right after Sarah went away to college.”

  “Wow,” Kate said. “That must have been really hard on her.”

  “I would think so, but she didn’t want to talk about it. And then I made a comment comparing her parents to her and Robert and she just went off on me.” Maggie kept fiddling with the paper; it helped to have something to do with her hands. “Another classic example of my lame social skills.”

  Kate reached over and put her hand on Maggie’s forearm. Maggie looked up at her.

  “You’re her best friend,” Kate said. “With everything that’s going on, you’re probably the safest person to lose it with.”

  Maggie attempted a smile. “Maybe.”

  “I know it would do her good to see you.”

  Maggie hesitated. “Yeah. I guess.” She knew Kate was right, but she dreaded talking to Sarah. She felt so inadequate when it came to things like this. She was the fun, happy one, always good at avoiding tough subjects. But she knew there was no way to avoid this with Sarah.

  “Well, no time like the present,” she said. She took a deep breath, got up, and headed upstairs to Sarah’s room where she knocked lightly on the door before walking in.

  Sarah was curled up in bed with the blinds closed. Maggie walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed with care.

  “I’m really sorry, Sarah,” she said. She reached out and gently touched Sarah’s arm. Sarah slid her hand out without saying anything and Maggie held it in both her hands as she continued her apology. “I’m sorry about the baby. And about Robert. And I’m sorry for what I said last week. It was really stupid. I’m a total bitch.”

  Sarah pulled the covers down from he
r face, looked at Maggie, and shook her head. “No, it wasn’t stupid. You were right. I just didn’t want to see it. You were doing what friends do. Calling me on my stuff.”

  “Another cheer-bully moment?” Maggie said.

  Sarah smiled and nodded, then reached out to Maggie. When Maggie leaned in and hugged her, Sarah started to cry.

  Maggie felt helpless and inadequate. Why was she so bad at handling difficult emotions? Probably something for her to look into, she thought sarcastically, although she knew she’d rather not. She floundered, unable to think of something to say. Nothing seemed right. So she simply continued to hold Sarah while she cried.

  After several minutes, Sarah pulled back and reached for a Kleenex. She wiped the tears from her face, blew her nose, and took a deep breath. Maggie thought she seemed calmer. Maybe this was her opening.

  “Kate has a great pot of coffee downstairs. Why don’t we go down and get some?”

  Sarah nodded. “That would be good. Let me just take a quick shower and then I’ll be down.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Maggie said, already up and heading for the door. She felt awful admitting it, but she couldn’t wait to get out of the room.

  “Thanks, Mags,” Sarah called after her.

  Maggie stuck her head back through the door and pasted on a smile. “Sure thing.”

  Sarah spent the next week at home, sleeping her way through most of each day. She managed to get up every morning to take Lizzy to school, but then she would come home and go back to bed until it was time to pick her up again. She felt exhausted. Sadness creeped in from time to time, but mostly she was numb. She couldn’t imagine how she would ever have the energy to go back to work. Simple tasks seemed overwhelming; her confidence was gone. And Robert wasn’t helping; his silence felt unbearable. Still, she refused to call him. He needed to call her. He couldn’t avoid her forever.

  Robert was acutely aware of the need for some kind of action, but he felt paralyzed, unsure of the best next step. There was so much more to discuss with Sarah. And he needed to talk to his parents. But what to say? How much to say? And when? And where? When he’d flown back down to LA Saturday night, Sam had picked him up at the airport. He’d told Sam what had happened, and that he’d told Sarah it was over. That he wanted a divorce. That his life was in LA, and LA was where he wanted to be. All this time, Sam had never judged him or questioned his choice to stay with Sarah, and Robert appreciated that. But he was also equally silent when it came to giving Robert advice—and that was infuriating. He wanted to know Sam’s opinions, thoughts, suggestions. Especially now. He needed help sorting this all out.

  Maggie felt a little lost without Sarah at school and wondered how long she would be out. Physically, she seemed pretty okay now; she was a little bruised up but nothing was broken. But then there was the miscarriage. She wasn’t sure how much recovery time was needed for that. And, of course, the mess with Robert just added a whole other dimension to it. Sarah must be overwhelmed. Maggie didn’t want to ask yet, but she was certain that all the questions that had been running through her head about money and logistics were running through Sarah’s mind as well. She was doing what she could to help—she’d been calling Sarah every day after work, and had brought her food one day—but as upbeat and chatty as she’d tried to be, Sarah hadn’t been in a very talkative mood. She just seemed really down.

  Kate had been checking in with Sarah regularly all week, and it was clear that Sarah was depressed. Understandably so. She was grieving. Kate couldn’t imagine losing a child. And to also find out your husband was in love with another woman and was leaving? Sarah must feel decimated. So she continued to help as much as she could. She brought Sarah and Lizzy food and took the girls out to the park. She even offered to pick Lizzy up from school, but Sarah insisted on doing it herself—said it was good for her to get out of the house. Kate took that as a positive sign. Maybe she wasn’t that depressed after all.

  Sarah tried to tell herself the same thing. Even in her numbness she knew that taking care of Lizzy was important. It was what she had to live for now. She had to be there for her daughter. This was going to be hard on her—it was going to change her life—and she needed someone to provide stability while the ground was pulled out from under her. Sarah needed to be the consistent parent, since Robert clearly wasn’t going to play that part. So she continued to get up every day and get Lizzy to school, hoping that with time she would start to feel better.

  Chapter 16

  Sarah’s alarm crept into her dream, mimicking the sound of a foghorn. It took her a moment to rouse herself; when she finally realized where the beeping was coming from, she reached out clumsily to turn it off before dragging herself out of bed and down the hall to Lizzy’s room.

  Lizzy was still sleeping soundly. Sarah opened the blinds and squinted, raising her hand up in front of her face to block the light. She went to Lizzy’s bedside and gently shook her shoulder.

  “Wake up, Liz. Time for school.”

  Lizzy pulled away from Sarah’s hand. “No. I don’t wanna go.”

  “I’m not gonna fight about this today,” Sarah said as she turned to leave. “Just get dressed.” She couldn’t do this again. Every day this week Lizzy had resisted getting up, and Sarah’s reserves were deeply in the red.

  “When’s Daddy coming back?”

  Sarah turned back, irritated and discouraged. “I told you yesterday: I don’t know. Now get dressed so we won’t be late.” When she was halfway out the door, Lizzy shouted after her.

  “He left because of you! It’s all your fault!”

  “Lizzy, stop it. I can’t handle this today.”

  “No! I won’t stop! You made him leave!”

  “I did not make him leave,” Sarah said, her voice getting louder and more agitated. “Now quit being such an immature brat and get out of that bed and get ready for school. Right now!”

  “Yes, you did! You did too make him leave. I know you did. It’s all your fault. I don’t want you for my mother. I want to be with Daddy.”

  “Well you can’t be with Daddy! So shut the fuck up and get dressed!”

  Lizzy threw several toys after Sarah as she stormed out of the room, barely missing her head. “I hate you! You’re a horrible mother!”

  Remorse washed over Sarah. She’s right. You don’t deserve to be a mother. Who screams and swears at their kid like that? And you should have been a better wife. You should have done things differently. You should have worked harder to make him happier with you. She’s right. It is your fault that he left. You really are a worthless piece of shit. You can’t do anything right. You never should have been born.

  She dragged herself back to her room. You really have fucked everything up. The world would be better off without you. Lizzy would be better off without you. She slowly pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt. The heaviness in her body felt overwhelming. She couldn’t do this today. She felt too tired to even stand up. She collapsed onto her bed, reached for her cell phone, and dialed Kate.

  “Hey Sarah,” Kate said after the second ring. “How are you doing?”

  “Not great. I just had a big fight with Lizzy, and I feel so drained and tired. Would you mind taking her to school this morning?”

  “Not at all. I should be ready to leave here in about five minutes.”

  “Thanks,” Sarah said quietly. “I really appreciate it.” She set down the phone, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

  Sarah didn’t stir when Kate peeked in twenty minutes later. Kate decided to let her sleep. She wrote her a short note and left it on her nightstand, then went to check on Lizzy’s progress.

  Seeing Emma had hugely improved Lizzy’s mood; she was already dressed and ready to leave.

  “Have you had any breakfast yet?” Kate asked her, scouring the kitchen for something quick.

  “Nope. But I could just eat a bagel in the car.”

  “Great idea!” Kate said. She grabbed a bagel a
nd a juice box from the pantry for Lizzy. “You two go buckle in and I’ll be right there.” As the girls scurried out, she dug her phone out of her purse and called Maggie.

  After several rings, Maggie finally answered. “Hi Kate. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m not sure,” Kate said. “Sarah called me to take Lizzy to school this morning and went right back to bed. She was asleep when I got here.” She hesitated briefly. “I don’t know. It’s been over a week. I guess I’m feeling a little worried.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know what’s normal. I mean, I get that she’s been through a double whammy here with the baby and Robert, but she seems really down. Sick, even.”

  “I agree. I’m worried that she’s really depressed. It would probably be good for her to see a doctor, or even a therapist. I was going to check in with her this morning, but I’m doing a cooking demonstration downtown today so my time is tight to get the girls to school. I opted to just let her sleep.”

  “She probably needs it,” Maggie said. “I could stop by after school and check in on her.”

  “That would be great,” Kate said, relieved. “I left her a note that Will would pick Lizzy up from school. I’ll have him take her home to play with Emma so you can have some time with Sarah.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Thanks Kate.”

  “Absolutely. I just want her to feel better.”

  “I know,” Maggie said. “Me too.”

  Maggie thought about Sarah periodically throughout the day. She wanted to help but wasn’t sure how. She knew better than to say this to Sarah, but she thought she was wallowing too much. It was time to get over it and come back to work. She’d feel better if she would just get back on the horse, so to speak. It couldn’t be good to just be sleeping all the time. Kate mentioned that she might be depressed. Maggie made a mental note to ask her more about that. She’d never known anyone who was depressed, so she wasn’t sure what that would look like. Or how to help. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe Sarah needed a therapist.